BF comment has really upset me AIBU?

[newguyissue]

I don't know if I'm being ridiculous, but I've been seeing a guy for 7 weeks and something he said has upset me so much but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous.
First relationship after 30 year marriage.
He's been really sweet as I've been cautious. Says he loves me but without lovebombing me. He's stayed over twice but we haven't had full sex - very close though.
Last time he gave me a vibrator, which surprised me. He said he couldn't wait to talk about it this week, which I didn't do - said I would when I saw him. He lives 70 miles away.
Tonight, in a fun exchange of normal conversation, he asked about a video show tonight. He didn't specify, but I assumed he meant with the vibrator.
This has really upset me. I kind of feel objectified and dehumanized as an object to him. He now says he meant video call but I can't see how that got autospelled to show. My ex was coersive so I might be overreacting, but it's made me feel really crap and question his sincerity of loving me as a person.

He could video that without you knowing and then post it all over the internet. I couldn't feel positively towards someone who suggested I do something that could have that outcome when I hardly knew them.

Op, abusive, sleazy men aren't always obvious...otherwise they wouldn't get a date. By 50 they have perfected the art of grooming.

Please read up on Shark cage theory. He is using well known tactics.. lovebombing (charm, vulnerability, flowers, love yous) alongside boundary breaking..the touching, the vibrator and now request for video show. He will back off a little since you have pushed back but I think that's temporary. If you don't want to be treated like this then dump him.

It all seems a bit early for him to be saying he loves you.

And unless a relationship starts on that footing, maybe a bit early for a vibrator video show. Esp if you haven't got comfortable in a sexual relationship with him yet.

I would back off.

a bit fecking early to be sending you a vibrator too

Well if you are new to dating and you have been in a very long term relationship you have quite a big learning curve.

I don't want to be scary but there are many men who really like women with your profile. Women are way too hopeful and trusting. And so many men are primarily sexually focused and simply do not see a full person, but they sure know how to pull you in.

I like men, I know many many wonderful guys in real life, but in my extensive dating experience, as an older woman, I have never met so many rats and morbidly sexually focused and controlling individuals.

I would say you've met a guy who has perhaps a voyeur/performance thing and prefers distanced sex. He's priming you to get the sex he wants.

A big rule for me is never under any circs photograph yourself naked or semi - naked or allow yourself to be filmed or 'perform' on screen. Never. I gotta say I have had many requests and never relented and my god I am so pleased. Once you make it a hard and fast rule it's easy.

OP,
Glad you are joining the dots and seeing the picture.

He is a deeply creepy, sleeze.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

OP telling someone you love them after 7 weeks is not normal. I think I'd rethink that 'not lovebombing' idea. Be ause it sounds distinctly lovebomby to me.

He's an untrustworthy creep.
I would dump him like a shot and never look back.

Thanks everyone. I've ended it. He's astounded that I think sexual touching when asleep is wrong. He was upset and I'm upset as there was a lot to like about him. But the fact he thinks it's ok and that my thinking is warped because of my marriage (where touching while asleep never occurred), proves it's not going to work. I obviously need to work on expressing myself more quickly to stop this sort of thing happening again.

Well done OP.

Tbf op you were asleep. You cant express yourself when you're sleeping. He had no right to be touching you. You also did tell him it was not ok and he started to repeat similar behaviour later on.

All that 'to like about him' : it's called grooming.

He knows what he did was wrong. He just doesnt want you to know that he knows.

Well done for giving the creepy bastard the elbow.

So glad you've ended this ...

it gets worse that he refuses to acknowledge.. touching you sexually in your sleep .. is wrong ..

Good for you OP.. 🌸

Well done OP. If, even when you talk about it, he can't see that playing with you while you sleep is weird (even if you had an active sex life together, which you don't) shows how skewed his ideas are. You are well out of that one. Hope you are OK and can take time to remember that none of this is a reflection on you, coming into the orbit of a undesirable person, and ejecting yourself out of it again is a positive on you, thankfully the relationship was fairly short-lived. He has done you a favour in a way, leaving you better able to recognise someone better when they come along. Good Luck.

I'd find that very creepy

@PieceOfString Thanks, I feel ok about it as I was wary, so I wasn't sucked in emotionally, though I liked him. I saw it as very early days still and enjoyed his company, but not those particular behaviours. I am better placed to keep myself safe now at least. I will definitely be more immediately vocal if anything I'm uncomfortable with happens in another relationship.

@newguyissue Hope you are experiencing a new sense (higher level) of self-worth, which will serve you well as you meet other new people. Wishing you well and very happy, ultimately x

Well done💐
What a silly man - if he doesn't know how unacceptable these things are at 50, he never will.

@WallaceinAnderland

He lives 70 miles away and says he loves you after just 7 weeks. How? You barely know each other.

And bought you a vibrator without knowing you well!!!!