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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shall I have a baby with him?

105 replies

Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 11:39

I'm in my mid 30s, desparate for a family, but can't help feeling like my relationship has run it's course. Lovely guy, treats me well, good job, we have enough in common and I think we could have a good life together. I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. Sex is ok, and could probably improve in time. What would you do? Would you settle? I think I'd always regret breaking it of in order to find my soul mate and then ending up alone... Is the grass greener at this age?

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 17/08/2021 11:40

No, please don’t.

poorbuthappy · 17/08/2021 11:44

If you have to ask then the answer is always no.

garlicandsapphires · 17/08/2021 11:46

I'm in a similar situation (very good decent man but not the love of my life) and think that actually there sometimes in an argument for settling.

Yankeescot · 17/08/2021 11:50

He sounds lovely. From a 55 yo, I look back at some foolish ass decisions I made when I was your age. I used to believe we had a soul mate. Now older, I believe it to be some fallacy we're sold on as young girls and the fairy tales we read as children.

A comfortable, drama free, trusting & consistent relationship with an available man is the most desirable situation when you get middle age. And of course good sex :-)! So many of us chased the excitement and drama when younger. And all you end up with is a lot of drama that turns out to be not so exciting.

There are so many messers about, a good one you can trust is very difficult to find. Would it be possible to leave on a mini break by yourself for a week? Check how you feel when you're away. Would you miss him?Or would you be open to a little holiday romance? If you miss him, I'd stick with him. I wish you well in your decision.

parietal · 17/08/2021 11:51

does he want a baby with you?

you say 'sex is ok & could improve' - no, it is likely to get worse. could you live with that?

if you settle, have a baby & then divorce in 5 yrs & become a single parent, would you be happy with that?

Balonzette · 17/08/2021 11:54

As soon as I read the title, I thought "If you need to ask this question, the answer is probably no."

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 12:01

Don't have a baby with someone who you have to ask strangers on the internet about.

SilverRoe · 17/08/2021 12:07

On a purely transactional basis you’d need to consider things like would he be a good father, would you be financially stable, can you sacrifice that desire for ‘more’ for a good 18 year or so, can you imagine raising a child in a relationship that’s just ok? (especially as having a baby tends to exacerbate existing problems and irritations).

Bringing emotions into it - can you feel ok with starting a family with a man who you’ve settled for? Is he settling for you? If not, is it fair on him to deny him a chance to meet someone who considers him incredible, not just ‘you’ll do’?

Original poster

Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 12:07

For everyone saying not to settle, do you already have kids? I'm fairly certain I'd be happier with him with kids than to end up on my own and miss the boat in terms of having a family. I do care about him.

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 12:11

Do you really want to be in a situation where you have a baby with a man you're not sure about because some people on a forum said it was a good idea? This is your child's other parent you're choosing; do you really want to be saying in 10 years 'I'm sorry your Dad's a bit rubbish, darling. Mumsnet said it would all work out ok.'

Take better care of your future child. Do you want to be setting the example for them that it's ok to accept a relationship that doesn't really float your boat, but is kind of alright? Would you want your child to follow that example?

essentialhealing · 17/08/2021 12:11

@girlmom21

Don't have a baby with someone who you have to ask strangers on the internet about.

This

MissBPotter · 17/08/2021 12:12

I mean it sounds bad to say you’re settling but if you like him, respect him and think he’ll be a good father (really important) then maybe go ahead. It’s preferable in my book to going it alone (sperm donor type route I mean) as you won’t have any financial or emotional and physical support in that scenario. I think you need to weigh up the alternatives carefully. I suppose the only ok sex could be a worry but maybe you could discuss more carefully what you like/want him to do!

Original poster

Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 12:15

He's not rubbish. He wants a family and would be a great dad. He probably is settling for me a bit yes. We get on well for the most part and do have fun together but we're quite different people and I think deep down we'd probably both admit we don't have enough of a connection.

OP posts:

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 17/08/2021 12:15

Don't settle, you'll be tied to them for the rest of your life and if you have to ask yourself (and others) whether you should have a baby with him, the answer is probably no.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 17/08/2021 12:16

Caring about someone is absolutely not enough with regards to having a child with them. It’s also not fair on him to ‘settle’ just because you want a baby. I’m a firm believer that everyone should be with someone who loves them unconditionally. Of course I know that sometimes doesn’t happen, but to start off saying that you care about someone sounds rather hollow.
So it’s a no from me

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 12:18

@Lovethatjourney

I'd be happier living in a cardboard box in the street than without a cardboard box in the street, but it doesn't mean I'm going to accept either as a housing option. The key is understanding that other things are available.

You don't work out what you want according to which makes you the least unhappy. The key to not ending up alone isn't to settle with someone you're not into. It's recognising that being alone doesn't prevent you from doing things, and that what you want is out there if you look properly.

I'd imagine from your mindset that you've probably got a few relationships that you view as 'failures' behind you. Get your head sorted out; you're looking for someone with whom you can set a good example of 'relationship' with, to your child. It's not him. Look harder, or set the example that 'alone can be great'.

SilverRoe · 17/08/2021 12:19

Tbh I think being good co-parents doesn’t always have to mean having kids with the love of your life. There’s lots of practical things to consider like how you’d manage both of you on a day to day basis, are your values similar and would your parenting ideas match up for example?

Plenty of people have children with a partner who they bloody adore - and it still doesn’t work out. Which is why i think it should be a decision based on logic as well as emotions.

SilverRoe · 17/08/2021 12:20

I ALSO think once the reality of parenting kicks in and years go by the sense of dissatisfaction with a less than ideal relationship only grows.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 12:21

@Lovethatjourney

Then he's rubbish for you. I'm sure he's a lovely bloke, but do you really think that any old lovely bloke will do, to father your child?

You need full compatibility, and if you're having to post on a forum about him, you don't have that. If you did have that, you'd be going directly to him to talk about your relationship, and MN's opinion would be a total irrelevance.

YoungWerther · 17/08/2021 12:21

Of course not.

Take better care of your future child.

This is bang on. More care before the point of conception would solve a lot of problems.

crazyotter · 17/08/2021 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 12:26

Think how creepy this would be if it was a man asking. 'Oh yeah, I don't think I like her enough to stay with but I'm mad broody atm and need babies so maybe I'll just hang about and use them for that'.

Keepitonthedownlow · 17/08/2021 12:28

You might not meet the love your your life until you are 45+, or ever. If you split you need to accept that your chance of a family are much, much narrower.

Henrytheehoover · 17/08/2021 12:29

It's difficult, because on one hand I do think a lot of people do settle to some extent in even the most perfect of relationships. No one person is going to tick all of the boxes in terms of the perfect partner. You have to decide which boxes are the most important ones to you. I do think there is a lot to be said for a reliable man, who is willing to put the needs of his kids first and who does the housework without being asked.

On the other hand, having kids is like a grenade going off in your relationship and can test even the seemingly strongest relationships.

I suppose you need to identify what the problems are and if they are things that BOTH of you are willing to work on to improve. Does the good outweigh the bad? If he annoys you now, he will annoy the fuck out of you when your sleep deprived with a baby screaming down your ear.

Original poster

Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 12:29

I do appreciate everyones advise and see where your coming from. The biological clock is just very scary! I don't want to leave things too late and equally think I'd be happier having a baby with him than doing it via a sperm donor and having no emotional, practical or financial support.

OP posts:

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