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Original poster

Shall I have a baby with him?

105 replies

Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 11:39

I'm in my mid 30s, desparate for a family, but can't help feeling like my relationship has run it's course. Lovely guy, treats me well, good job, we have enough in common and I think we could have a good life together. I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. Sex is ok, and could probably improve in time. What would you do? Would you settle? I think I'd always regret breaking it of in order to find my soul mate and then ending up alone... Is the grass greener at this age?

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 17/08/2021 12:30

To answer your question, No the Grass is Definitely Not Greener. I've been single from age 35 - 41 and it's definitely slim pickings.

Original poster
Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 12:30

I also think it would be better for a child to have a father on the scene.

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 17/08/2021 12:32

Absolutely, if you have a good man who will make a good father then you are in very fortunate position. Being a parent adds so much to life that a steady dependable partner is worth it's weight on gold. As long as you don't actively dislike the person of course.

idontknowwhyibother · 17/08/2021 12:34

The fact you need to ask random strangers about such a massive life decision should show you that it's a clear no.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 12:37

@Lovethatjourney

I also think it would be better for a child to have a father on the scene.
Yes, quite possibly, if he and the child's Mum were in a fulfilling relationship. But you're not. You're already questioning, before you've even started the family. You're already not fulfilled, otherwise you wouldn't be posting.
RatherBeRiding · 17/08/2021 12:40

Someone up thread said - you can marry the love of your life and it still goes wrong!

You can settle - and have the family you both want but later on one of meets "the one", falls madly in love, and you split up.

There are absolutely no guarantees with any relationship and as time is not on your side, honestly I'd settle, have a family and just see how it pans out. A good guy who is going to make a good partner, father, co-parent is worth a lot.

RestingStitchFace · 17/08/2021 12:41

I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in partnering with a good man and working hard to make the commitment a successful one.

The whole being 'in love' bit is a form of insanity. I have seen so many good women tolerate absolute bollocks for the sake of being 'in love'. And I have been 'in love' with some incredibly unsuitable people before. Being in love is a chemical reaction and it makes you nuts. I'd pick stability, decency, kindness, friendship and respect over being 'in love' any day.

Original poster
Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 12:41

What would everyone in my situation do? Go it alone? Accept the fact I might not meet the one in time to have a family?

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 17/08/2021 12:41

My ex SIL settled for my brother and ended up divorcing him. A mutual friend blabbed. She arrived with a suitcase and took most of the house that he bought years before meeting her. If you do decide to settle don't do that.
I know I'll get rounded on for saying that but it hurts when it's your family member.
That said I still advise women to retain their earnings and not be a SAHM unless married. I've also told my sons not to marry unless on an equal footing Grin. Anyway I've digressed.
The sex won't improve.

Keepitonthedownlow · 17/08/2021 12:44

What to you mean by 'The One'?

WTF475878237NC · 17/08/2021 12:44

I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. Sex is ok, and could probably improve in time.

There is no reason to think this OP. This, how your relationship is now, is likely to be it. Children are only going to make things more tricky!

Keepitonthedownlow · 17/08/2021 12:45

There's no way of saying what 'everyone' would do. Everyone would so something different.
The fact that you're not able to make a decision is an action in itself, because you're procrastinating.

sunnyzweibrucken · 17/08/2021 12:50

Sex never improves over time ESPECIALLY if you don’t have that emotional connection like you mentioned. I’ve been there twice and it didn’t work.

I’d rather be alone than settle with someone I can’t connect to just to have children. And eventually your children will notice and you will grow to be either bored, dissatisfied, irritated, or resentful of him over time. I know because again I’ve been there.

Some people like my ex are very logical in picking a partner. But I need to be emotionally connected to someone not with them just because they would be a good father and financial support.

GettingItOutThere · 17/08/2021 12:50

no. never ever settle.

I did and it was not a good ending. I have my kids out of it but it is what it is

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 12:51

@Keepitonthedownlow

There's no way of saying what 'everyone' would do. Everyone would so something different. The fact that you're not able to make a decision is an action in itself, because you're procrastinating.
This. Do you want the same relationship as everyone else? Because what everyone else does will have a different bearing on them than it would on you because a) they're a different person, with different wants and needs and b) they have a different partner.

Even if 97% of people do a certain thing in their relationship, you have no way of knowing if it would work in yours.

You're looking for an external locus of evaluation, and their isn't one. If we all say 'go!' and you go, and it's wrong, whose responsibility is that? Yours.

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 12:54

*there isn't one.

Sakurami · 17/08/2021 12:55

There is nothing worse than being with a person you don't want to be with. It affects everything in your life.

You're mid 30s so still a good chance of meeting someone and starting a family and i would rather chance that and then go it alone of it didn't materialise than end up with the wrong person.

However, I'm in my 50s now and although I had my children with the wrong person, I am happier having had them and splitting up with their father than be childless.

And once you have kids, you appreciate kindness and helpfulness in a partner more than passion imo.

Appleofmyeye05 · 17/08/2021 12:55

I was in this situation with my ex however I was a little bit younger. I was desperate at the time and I thought the same do I stay and have a baby which I wanted so badly or so I move on and potentially end up childless.

I opted to leave but found I was pregnant a few weeks later so got back together for the sake of our baby. Needless to say we ended up splitting up later on.

You’re still young at 30 but I know the feelings you are feeling and the feeling of time is running out.

I’ll probably get some stick for this but if you are desperate for a baby and you think you can co parent amicably then I say do it

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 12:56

@Lovethatjourney

What would everyone in my situation do? Go it alone? Accept the fact I might not meet the one in time to have a family?
There are many ways you can create a family in life. Personally, I dont get why you would want to have babies with someone unless you were in love, married and trusted them 100%. I wouldn't even be thinking about kids before then. If it happens for me then it happens and if not, I hope I will have done many other things in life that were adventures. Kids are not an entitlement. Nor should they be some sort of end goal for your life. Why not put a pin in it for now and look inwards to see why on earth you are even considering using someone else as a baby maker as opposed to just living your life with people you love who love you and no alternative agendas.
Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 12:59

Sorry, I am aware that that sounds harsh btw. But I'm just suggesting that you put a pin in things for now and concentrate on living your life for what it us rather than what it could be.

dontblamemee · 17/08/2021 13:03

Love is a feeling AND also a choice. You can absolutely choose to be in a relationship and make a family with this man. But you should only make this choice if you can wholeheartedly commit to being with him and creating your family without always thinking what 'if'. If you're half thinking something better will come along it will never work but if both of you make a decision to create a strong family unit then absolutely it will work if you want it too. Love grows if you nurture it. Maybe this love at first sight soul mate doesn't happen for everyone.

garlicandsapphires · 17/08/2021 13:05

I am another who says go for it on condition that you like, respect and care for this man, he'd be a good dad and you could co-parent amicably if you split. The thought of starting again on the dating scene, feeling desperate for a child, makes me shudder, and I don't think it's worth throwing away a 'good enough' relationship for the possibility of finding someone better. Be prepared to work hard at the relationship though as it will surely be harder than if there was a natural spark.

Zilla1 · 17/08/2021 13:08

Accept the fact I might not meet the one in time to have a family?

If your way of thinking is looking for 'the one' as in your PP then I think you might not achieve that.

Only you can evaluate your relationship but this does not mean it would be best to have a child with a man with whom you feel little or no connection.

How much stress do you think pregnancy and babies bring to relationships and do you really understand what that means beyond the words?

Good luck.

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 13:10

@Lovethatjourney

What would everyone in my situation do? Go it alone? Accept the fact I might not meet the one in time to have a family?
To be fair, you say you'd probably both admit you're not perfect together but you both want a family. If you'd consider going it alone anyway, but would prefer your child/ren grew up with a father, have that conversation with him.

It's not fair to commit to having a family without him knowing your true feelings, but if you both feel like you could co-parent well if things didn't work out, it'd not be much different to going it alone.

The only thing would be that eventually you might have to explain to your children why you're not together and why you chose to bring them into a 'family' like this could end up being.

RogersVideo · 17/08/2021 13:10

I will say having children really changed my and DHs relationship, it feels much more utilitarian rather than romantic now! Once kids come along it becomes all about them. Having a responsible, respectful, responsible partner is so important and it sounds like you do have that.

In general, having now had kids I advise people not to have them unless they really really want them, because it is so so hard. But if you're sure that you do, and your clock is running out, I would consider it in your situation, yes.