Shall I have a baby with him?

[Lovethatjourney]

I'm in my mid 30s, desparate for a family, but can't help feeling like my relationship has run it's course. Lovely guy, treats me well, good job, we have enough in common and I think we could have a good life together. I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. Sex is ok, and could probably improve in time. What would you do? Would you settle? I think I'd always regret breaking it of in order to find my soul mate and then ending up alone... Is the grass greener at this age?

No.

Decent men you "settle" for can treat you as badly as men you adore. Especially if they're settling for you as well.

My best friend settled for a steady, reliable man in her mid 30s. They struggled to conceive but eventually had 2 D.C. he turned out to be the worst husband and father, and she's only just managed to leave him, 18 years on.

Give him up and throw yourself into dating. Do it like a job. Read every dating manual (especially the really strict ones like The Rules), ditch people at the first sign of shite (to avoid wasting time) and don't settle.

I would rather than risk not having children as he is keen to be a father. Thats my honest opinion.

Ask yourself 3 essential questions before you decide:

1. Are there any unresolved mummy/parent issues on either side and do you like his mum/does she like you?
2. Do you have shared values around education, being a sahp/wfhp, who does the day to day grunt work etc?
3. Do you honestly have the same vision of where you'll all be in 18 years' time?

If after discussing these questionswith him, you are both happy with what you hear, then go for it.

Give him up and throw yourself into dating. Do it like a job. Read every dating manual (especially the really strict ones like The Rules), ditch people at the first sign of shite (to avoid wasting time) and don't settle

Yes, @AlbertBridge, brilliant advice. OP, start interviewing them. Stop wasting time on MN!

I don’t think there is a soul mate , relationship is what you make it. Even the relationships which are all fireworks at the begging often fizzle out and you’re then faced with the basics of what that person got to offer i.e respect, financial support, emotional support, company etc. So if he has the basics of what you’re looking for you might find the relationship will evolve and you may even fall deeply in love with him if he’s an incredible father to your child.

I settled at the age of 37, 30 years ago. I was desperate for a child and had one straight away. DH and I are still together, we have a strong marriage, love each other and look after each other, we have a good life.
We did not have much in common at first but we grew together and became closer over the years. It is entirely doable and you do not have to sign up for life.

No don't do it. I settled for a decent man. I have three lovely DCs and a very unhappy marriage. I think constantly about separating. My kids love their dad but they're been brought up in a very tense joyless house. .

*being

To those who say to go ahead - it doesn't have to be forever. Separating is very hard to do when you are financially entwined/dependent and families/kids are involved. A lot of hearts can be broken

The start is usually the exciting part and shows you how good it can be, to keep up to that level takes lots of hard work.

Things are just 'meh' now in your relationship. I think you will grow to resent each other when things are harder with a screaming demanding newborn. Babies are drudgery personified.

No don't.
There are no such things as soul mates, they are fairy tales.

@RestingStitchFace

I don't believe in soul mates. I believe in partnering with a good man and working hard to make the commitment a successful one.

The whole being 'in love' bit is a form of insanity. I have seen so many good women tolerate absolute bollocks for the sake of being 'in love'. And I have been 'in love' with some incredibly unsuitable people before. Being in love is a chemical reaction and it makes you nuts. I'd pick stability, decency, kindness, friendship and respect over being 'in love' any day.

I agree with this. I love my DH very much but not in the wild in love way I loved my ex. However my ex was awful for me and my DH is fab.

I am committed to my marriage. In all likelihood there is someone else out there who be a better match for me but I don't care.

If I was in your situation i’d try and have an honest chat with my partner and maybe not raise the concept of ‘settling’ per se, but the idea of having a child together, how strong your relationship is, what he sees for himself in the future and so on.

Why would any woman prioritise wanting a baby over everything else? Thread after thread after thread of women settling for unsatisfying relationships in order to have a child. Imo it's plain ridiculous. Develop yourself and your own life, leave this unsatisfying relationship and do something worthwhile with your life.

If you need to come onto a forum and ask a bunch of internet strangers if you should be with someone and make a future with them the answer is pretty much always no.

Do you definitely want kids to the extent that you'd break up with him if he didn't?

If it's a yes, I'd say to him you want kids and want to know if he wants them too, and whether he feels your relationship has legs. If it's wobbly, you'll probably break up to be honest. But maybe you'd both be happy giving it a shot and separating and co-parenting if need be?

@Lovethatjourney how would you feel if you married this man and you couldn't have kids due to an issue with him (children are not a guarantee for anyone). Only marry him if you'd be happy to stay with him childless n such a scenario otherwise you're just using him which would be unacceptable and unfair.

I recommend the book by Loro Gottlieb , "Mr Good Enough " which discusses exactly your problem and gives practical advice from someone who's in your position. People are mentioning about sex but bear in mind a lot of women's desire for sex decreases after kids.

There are posters saying just leave him but we don't Iive in an ideal world where there are good men queuing up. The numbers of good men from mid 30s onwards is VERY low. That does not mean yo should stay with him of course. For all you know you could be fortunate to meet someone else appropriate. Certainly do not mary him if you already envisage divorcing him in the future and breaking up your child's family as that won't be fair on him or your potential future child.

*Lori

@joystir59

Why would any woman prioritise wanting a baby over everything else? Thread after thread after thread of women settling for unsatisfying relationships in order to have a child. Imo it's plain ridiculous. Develop yourself and your own life, leave this unsatisfying relationship and do something worthwhile with your life.

er it's obvious why...most women really want kids and there's nothing wrong with that at all. In fact it's a perfectly natural desire.

@joystir59

Why would any woman prioritise wanting a baby over everything else? Thread after thread after thread of women settling for unsatisfying relationships in order to have a child. Imo it's plain ridiculous. Develop yourself and your own life, leave this unsatisfying relationship and do something worthwhile with your life.

Absolutely this. It's so disheartening to see so many women base their life value on whether or not they will have children someday. I mean I'm not suggesting its the only thing this op aspires to. But for many women it seems to be. You'd think it was the 1900s the way some people talk about just settling for partners in order to pop out kids.

@poorbuthappy

If you have to ask then the answer is always no.

When I saw your title this was my first thought. There are options if you don't find a partner to have a child if you so wish. Staying means you have a child with dp and then separate only to have the child 50% of the time because this would most likely be the outcome longterm.

It all depends what kind of person you are. If you are practical and don't have many emotional needs and are fairly emotionally self-sufficient.....then I don't think you would be posting on her to be honest. You would have already decided that this was the man for you and that it was worth it in order to have a stable life and children.

Go ahead if you want, but you need to be prepared that you will not find spending time with him emotionally satisfying, that your life will look perfect from the outside but will feel hollow or fake on the inside. How's that going to work when you're on days out trying to enjoy spending time as a family?

It sounds like you are afraid of being honest with him in case you lose him. Maybe you both need to sit down and be honest with each other. If you're both settling in order to have a life partner, at least then you're on the same page. If you do end up settling, are you both in a position to separate but still co-parent well?

Don't settle. It's not fair on yourself, it's not fair on him and it's not fair on any hypothetical children.

Can entering into a more transactional arrangement for the sake of a family work out? I guess, but be under no illusions that it's the easy way. Think about everything settling will entail.

You'll have your relationship tested by sleeplessness, conflicts over who's pulling how much weight, different parenting styles and negotiating in-laws. That's a grenade for most loving relationships. You won't have that foundation to fall back on.

As the kids get older you'll find yourself more and more lonely. You'll have less romance in your life and less companionship. You'll end up living with someone whose presence you tolerate at best, resent at worst.

The sex will definitely, 100% not get better.

One or both of you will probably meet someone in your 40s who gives you everything your partner doesn't - care, attention for who you are. One or both of you will probably have an affair.

You'll either divorce or somehow survive it and end up as one of those old couples who clearly can't stand each other any more but are too lazy to cut the cord.

Here's the important thing, you won't get to complain about any of the above because you know right now you're settling.

In fact, I'd say that if you were to settle you'd have to commit to a path of radical honesty with each other, and it's fucking hard work. You need to go through all of the potential pitfalls above, and probably a whole lot more, and sort them out in advance. How do you feel about an open relationship, for instance? What happens if you commit to this but one of you catches feelings? And if you're to do this you need to start right now by telling him you're settling, and hope to god he feels the same way.

To settle for someone who thinks you're committing to them because you really love them is disgusting behaviour. Could you tell your partner everything you've told us?

There's no such thing as "the one" and no guarantees of anything if you leave him. So no, you might not get your family. I would encourage you to start believing that even if you don't have children, you can still have a full life and contribute to society.

Do you know why you don’t love him? If he’s as nice a guy as you say I’d be tempted to settle. Worst case scenario how would you feel about co-parenting with him?

To everyone asking why I want a baby so much... surely its a pretty normal desire to want a family?

I think we'd co-parent well if we broke up, but equally think if we had kids we'd do everything we could to stay together.

@Seasonschange maybe I love him but I'm not in love with him? Ideally I'd be with someone with a bit more drive. Feel like I'm always the one organising and planning things and driving big decisions around house buying, holidays etc.