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Original poster

Shall I have a baby with him?

105 replies

Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 11:39

I'm in my mid 30s, desparate for a family, but can't help feeling like my relationship has run it's course. Lovely guy, treats me well, good job, we have enough in common and I think we could have a good life together. I'm just not sure I'm in love with him. Sex is ok, and could probably improve in time. What would you do? Would you settle? I think I'd always regret breaking it of in order to find my soul mate and then ending up alone... Is the grass greener at this age?

OP posts:
gannett · 17/08/2021 15:10

Ideally I'd be with someone with a bit more drive. Feel like I'm always the one organising and planning things and driving big decisions around house buying, holidays etc.

Oh wow. If this is a bone of contention now it is going to be something that drives you insane if you bring children into the mix.

Do NOT have a family with this man.

I think we'd co-parent well if we broke up, but equally think if we had kids we'd do everything we could to stay together.

You also sound a little too blase about the prospect of splitting up.

NotaCoolMum · 17/08/2021 15:36

This has disaster written all over it.

sloutside · 17/08/2021 15:53

Feel like I'm always the one organising and planning things and driving big decisions around house buying, holidays etc

This is going to drive you crazy in no time at all.

Do not have a baby with him. Leave him and find someone more compatible.

Forstarters · 17/08/2021 15:55

If you’re desperate for a family and think he’ll make a good dad even if you’re not together I’d go for it. Whilst you may meet someone else and have kids in a few years the odds are likely against this

Forstarters · 17/08/2021 15:59

My ex and I both ‘settled’ and had kids when probably the relationship was fizzling out. We split but have a wonderful co-parent relationship and are all very happy! (Yes, including the kids)

Opentooffers · 17/08/2021 16:04

Depends where you are at in life. If your career is organised, and you've seen enough of life, done the travel you want, had some fun, and are at the point of accepting the restrictions that having a DC and a permanent partner bring ( especially if you were to end up as a single parent) then I don't see too big an issue. Plenty of people have DC with hopeless father's, that they were in love with initially but the lack of support killed it. So, if he'd be a good support, and in fact you can support yourself, why not if he's willing?

garlicandsapphires · 17/08/2021 16:17

Feel like I'm always the one organising and planning things and driving big decisions around house buying, holidays etc

Have you spoken to him about this? are you both willing to change, work on yourselves and compromise? are you good at communicating?

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 16:40

Feel like I'm always the one organising and planning things and driving big decisions around house buying, holidays etc

Are you aware of just how many more of these things there would be if you had a baby? And unless he changes, it will all fall to you.

You've heard all the advice about having a relationship with somebody you need to change, haven't you?

Mayhemmumma · 17/08/2021 17:23

My view is at some point you might regret your marriage/relationship but you'll never regret your children.

(I know not everyone will agree)

pinkyredrose · 17/08/2021 17:27

You're planning to use him for his sperm like a reverse Handmaid's Tale?

What contraception are you using at the moment?

TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 17:32

@Mayhemmumma

My view is at some point you might regret your marriage/relationship but you'll never regret your children.

(I know not everyone will agree)

But you might regret putting those children through your divorce.
ravenmum · 17/08/2021 17:33

You want a baby, but do you want his baby?

This baby will have its dad's eyes, wonky teeth, accent, arrogance, anxiety, taste in music, hatred of spiders or annoying laugh. Looking at this baby, you will see him, even/especially as the baby turns into an adult. Can you imagine how heartwarming that would feel if those traits you saw in the baby reminded you of the person you loved?

This baby will be a young person saying that they wished their dad had more drive and organised things with them, or telling people that their parents don't have much of a connection so their home life seems a bit superficial. This young person will come to you asking for advice on choosing a mate and ask what made you choose their dad. If this person gets married, he will give a speech at their wedding. You'll be tied to him until one of you dies.

And would he know that you were settling for him? Would he be aware that you already had a Plan B in the back of your mind for being a single parent? What would he think if you split up when the baby was 4 and he realised you'd mainly chosen him because of your biological clock? Could you involve him fairly in this decision and say "Neither of us seems to be that keen, but would you take the risk and be prepared to have the baby 50:50 if we break up?" Or would you let him think you were keen?

Pinkbonbon · 17/08/2021 17:42

A baby is not a tool to simply create a family for you though op, its another living person. I dont know what your family situation is atm (brothers, sisters, pets, partners, close friends ect...) but family can be created in multiple ways without actually having to bring new life into the world. If you're going to do the later then it should be under the right circumstances. Not just because you feel something is missing from your life and think a baby will fix this but because you in turn can offer that child a happy life. And into a life where its mother and father love eachother instead of an environment where there is incompatibility and will likely be festoring resentment.

AlbertBridge · 17/08/2021 18:00

@ravenmum That's so true. My DS1 is eerily like his dad, in looks but also personality. His dad is my ex so DS1 has spent a LOT more time with me than his dad growing up, but his personality is like they spent every waking moment together.

I love that he looks like his father, as that man was undeniably handsome. But the personality? Not to attractive!

Guineapigbridge · 17/08/2021 18:07

Do this thought experiment: if we were locked in a hotel room for two weeks together, would we have an okay time? Would it be a bit fun? Or would it be awful?
If deep down you know it'd be awful, don't do it!!! Parenting is in many ways like being locked in a room together.

Guineapigbridge · 17/08/2021 18:09

By the way I was a bit uncertain about my dh as a dad when we first started thinking about our future together many moons ago, but he is the most amazing father. The best gift you can give your kids is a great dad.

herewegoagain202106 · 17/08/2021 18:20

@Lovethatjourney

What would everyone in my situation do? Go it alone? Accept the fact I might not meet the one in time to have a family?
I would settle and have a family with him . You might even fall back in love with him when you see how great of a father he is . It is hard to find who are good fathers but not impossible. The dating world is getting less appealing with time . Go for it and good luck
Original poster
Lovethatjourney · 17/08/2021 19:20

Thanks for all your advise! Lots of mixed opinions. @pinkyredrose I have no intention of tricking him into a baby! I'm on the pill, but he's happy for me to come of it. He knows things have been rocky recently, I'm not duping him into anything under false pretenses.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 17/08/2021 19:26

@Lovethatjourney

Thanks for all your advise! Lots of mixed opinions. *@pinkyredrose* I have no intention of tricking him into a baby! I'm on the pill, but he's happy for me to come of it. He knows things have been rocky recently, I'm not duping him into anything under false pretenses.
Then have this conversation with him, not MN. Are you intending to? If you're not, you're duping him.
pinkyredrose · 17/08/2021 19:31

He knows things have been rocky but he's happy for you to come off the pill?

Ok well good luck. You'll have a baby so even if you split I guess you'll be happy.

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 17/08/2021 19:41

@Lovethatjourney

What would everyone in my situation do? Go it alone? Accept the fact I might not meet the one in time to have a family?
I would stick with your good man and have a baby with him. Time isn't on your side. I would have rather had a child and then later got divorced, than never had a child at all.
Onelifeonly · 17/08/2021 19:43

I think many people marry and have kids when they reach that stage of life where it seems right. Their partner at the time may not be the absolute love of their life BUT, in my view, it has to feel like the right thing to do. You can't just choose someone who seems like parent material in an objective way.

Sometimes I think it's what I did as I can't recall being crazy over my DH for long but OTOH I can remember thinking I didn't want anyone else. In the past few years boredom, stress of having tricky teens, loss of family members etc have made me question my marriage, but I was happy for years and never considered leaving.

My feeling is if you have to ask, you are considering the wrong man. Many people will have been in a similar situation and not questioned it at all.

poppymaewrite · 17/08/2021 19:57

Would you consider adopting, or even having a baby through him but not being together? Although if he wanted access to that child, then he would probably be entitled to it.

gannett · 17/08/2021 20:14

I would stick with your good man and have a baby with him. Time isn't on your side. I would have rather had a child and then later got divorced, than never had a child at all.

Does what the child would have rather had matter?

I don't believe divorce is necessarily bad for children in all cases but it's not something to be aimed for before you have them FFS.

Really, the harsh truth should be that no one is entitled to have children no matter how desperate you are for them. You either find a person you're committed to raising them with and enter into that relationship with love or at least honesty - or you commit to getting an actual sperm donor, not an unwitting one, and doing it alone.

SarahDarah · 17/08/2021 22:10

Also adoption is an option if you find a man when you're past your fertile years. Having a biological baby isn't the only way to have a family and if this man is causing you concern during what should be the honeymoon period, you're most likely better off waiting to find a guy you're better suited to and adopt together if you're unable to conceive. Chances are you'll be much happier. Remember you're choosing a life partner, not a (willing) sperm donor.

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