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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bastard bingo - full house!!

603 replies

helplesshopeless · 16/08/2021 06:59

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running Grin

OP posts:
helplesshopeless · 06/10/2021 04:26

No, she's never met him and has no idea of his existence.

I do think I need to get something officially logged so I am not on the back foot, but then also worried as I know it'll likely escalate matters if he finds out. But I guess he's already escalating anyway!

OP posts:
Callmecordelia · 06/10/2021 05:56

Do you have the number of the police officer you spoke to when he was making threats? They will be aware that leaving is the most dangerous time. Could you speak to them too?

RandomMess · 06/10/2021 07:24

Your local police should have a domestic violence (or similarly named) team, speak to them about it. The threats about not letting DD leave with you despite having nam agree contact schedule, inspecting her for bruises and accusations.

Alcemeg · 06/10/2021 10:08

I'm a complete ignoramus about this side of things, but I wonder if this thread itself has any kind of historical value? As a blow-by-blow record of how things unfolded over the past few months. I'd imagine it can't be a reliable document, since it could be a great work of fiction, but if you can substantiate it with evidence from the real world it might still be useful as a kind of timeline. Good luck OP, blimey. He is such a weirdo I would be anxious about letting DD spend time alone with him, but you're the best judge of that, obviously. Flowers

Cavagirl · 06/10/2021 10:56

@RandomMess

He is not liking losing control of you is he?

Please get a non-mol. Leaving is the most dangerous time and I'm beginning to worry he may lose it as you stand up to him.

Absolutely this.

I'm so sorry, he's such an arsehole.

Just remember that you cannot manage his behaviour, you can only manage your response to it. So doing or not doing things in the hope of appeasing him is a fool's errand I'm afraid.

In the end, for him, this all comes down to control. And he's lashing about with his rage because he is increasingly unable to control you.

Is he aware next Thursday is your planned date to move out?

helplesshopeless · 06/10/2021 11:08

I'm waiting to hear back from the solicitor but am desperate to talk to her now! He'd already threatened to not allow me to take my daughter with me if he has not received my latest solicitor's response confirming agreement to the discussed arrangements for her (ie because he thinks I'm going to try and back out of what we've agreed - takes one to know one!).

He's also warned me that my response better not contain any further 'outrageous crap' (ie asking him to stop abusing me, especially in front of my daughter) or he will 'absolutely lose his shit.' This is after the nonsense he's put in his own letter!

He also said the other day that I had to give him my new address immediately otherwise he would not allow me to leave the current house again with my daughter until I provided it (turns out he left for work shortly after so that threat was a hollow one!). He also said if I didnt provide it he would 'do what he wanted' with regards to the agreed childcare pattern. When I pointed out that would mean going to court, he said that was fine as that would take months to sort in court and he would keep her in the meantime. He said I couldn't do anything about it and he would win as he is cleverer than me.

I ended up giving him the address anyway that day as he needed it to transfer the car into my name. So he now has the address before I've even moved in!

OP posts:
helplesshopeless · 06/10/2021 11:09

@Cavagirl yes he knows next Thursday is the day. It coincides with when we're agreed to split our finances and so he can't do anything about that, and luckily for me it's fallen on my weekend with her so I have every right to take her with me.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 06/10/2021 12:03

Make sure you have bloody good security set up ASAP. And please speak to the police today.

Mix56 · 06/10/2021 14:00

I agree, you need to report his manipulations to the "domestic violence" police. You can't just hope he wont act as he wishes, its pure spite.
What if he doesn't return her after a w/e, & uses an odd bruise as justification ?simply to hurt you, screw up your work routine & upset you further?
He is already "losing his shit", you need a paper trail, to prove he is already putting in place machinations, threatening on withholding her, wanting to force entry into your new home...

Mix56 · 06/10/2021 14:01

Can you ask your landlord if you can get a safety chain put on the door?

helplesshopeless · 06/10/2021 14:16

@Mix56 I've already had a chain put on Wink

I'm speaking to the solicitor at 3 so will hopefully have some good guidance on next steps then.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 07/10/2021 01:48

A chain isn’t enough. It can easily be kicked open.

Justilou1 · 07/10/2021 01:50

Sorry, bumped it. You need video recording his behaviour and recording his words and would be the best possible evidence. (Also if he behaves terribly in front of your child as he is wont to do). Knowing that he is being recorded “may” deter crap behaviour, but we all doubt it.

Mix56 · 07/10/2021 21:13

What did solicitor say?

helplesshopeless · 07/10/2021 21:50

Ah, thanks for checking in Thanks

Nothing particularly groundbreaking to be honest! She just kept saying we need to focus on my daughter's best interests in the response and not get sucked into all of his noise of trying to scare/control me. She advised against preemptively going to social services as in her opinion he was just trying to scare me, and if he had actual welfare concerns he would have done something about them. In any event if he tried to raise a bruise with them, they'd basically ignore him.

She said to update the police on the death threats and let them know that I would be moving out next week, so that they are aware of the situation if I need help.

She has addressed his threats to not allow me to take her with me, in her draft response to his last letter, and has said he has absolutely no right to assess my home. She's advised that if he does not let me take her, then I don't leave the home without her (it's still legally mine too until transfer goes through). She's put this in the letter too. And then if I feel unsafe as a result, to call the police.

He seems to have cooled down over the assertion that he needs to inspect my home and hasn't mentioned the bruise again (I've just had the usual abuse of scumbag whore, he can't wait for me to die a painful death and he'll be there laughing, etc.).

Moving out day is now Friday rather than Thursday. He felt that her moving out Thursday, and then staying away with me until the following Tuesday (which would be the agreed pattern for that week), was not acceptable in the first week of moving out as it's too long before she'd see him again 🙄 but he's agreed I will take her home with me after nursery on Friday. So I guess he's backed down on that front, for now anyway...

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 07/10/2021 22:33

Why are you constantly giving in to him? You absolutely have to take back your power and give get him accustomed to the word “No”.

helplesshopeless · 07/10/2021 22:39

Habit of a lifetime 🙈 I guess I am just trying to get what I need without rocking the boat any further, and there's no point in insisting on Thursday versus Friday if it brings more issues and aggression. We'll spend the day at the rental on Thursday anyway so it'll just be one more night (and actually my only remaining night in the same house as him as he's away tonight and this coming sunday/Monday night woop!)

OP posts:
SpringCrocus · 07/10/2021 22:41

Death threats??? Wtf??? Have you told the police???

helplesshopeless · 07/10/2021 22:46

I have logged it yes, will be speaking with them on it soon. It's just more of him spouting off at me and trying to scare me. He doesn't mean it, I'm sure he'd love me to die (in a horrible accident, or some other painful death, and he tells me this regularly) but he'd never actually do anything. Wouldn't want to risk prison and leaving our daughter behind for starters!! I know this sounds naive but I know he's all talk in that respect.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 07/10/2021 23:11

Are you still thinking that you are responsible for his behaviour, and that you should have given him more of a chance and that he is being like this because you drove him to it?

Or are you now understanding that his true colours are shining through? This is who he is, no matter what you've done. There is no reasonable excuse. His reactions and behaviour are really extreme in their abusive nature, no matter what the circumstances.

Hopefully your lawyer knows what she's doing.

Justilou1 · 07/10/2021 23:27

Where will he be on the weekend? Will he have DD? Does she have a passport?

helplesshopeless · 08/10/2021 07:34

@Justilou1 she's at home with him this weekend. She does have a passport but he wouldn't take her anywhere as I'm sure he realises that would reflect badly on him. Also he has a very busy and stressful job and wouldn't be able to get away.

@FantasticButtocks yes I do see that, and that's one of the things that pushed me the make the jump. Unfortunately though I still feel like I've brought this out of him as he's so upset with my affair and me breaking up the family and ruining things for our daughter. He's never ever behaved this badly before.

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 08/10/2021 07:52

He's never ever behaved this badly before.

Indeed. If you could have seen this 5 months ago, would you have believed it? Would you have believed him capable of everything he's done?

This is why PP are exorting you to really consider your own safety and that of DD - take the death threats seriously, think about a plan (and talk through with your solicitor) what you would do if he takes DD and refuses to return her, consistently involve the police and get a non-molestation order. Rather than minimising it because "he'd never do that". Because you would have said, he'd never do this, wouldn't you?

Sorry OP. I'm genuinely quite worried for you as you leave.

helplesshopeless · 08/10/2021 08:02

@Cavagirl I totally understand what you're saying. I did ask the solicitor about a non molestation order but she said there's not much point as the circumstances will be changing soon and when the court look at it they'd see it as a side effect of us living together (which will cease shortly). She said if it continued once I've moved out then it would be appropriate to consider it...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/10/2021 08:09

Thank goodness you can go to your new house this weekend and get away from his poison.

Thanks