Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

Thanks all!! I've cobbled something together incorporating all of your suggestions and have replied - will see what he says. I mean really, he has to agree with me to get what he wants doesn't he!

Exactly, he can push the point and insist on 4 days between Xmas and new year, and you can then suddenly remember something very important that means you can't swap weekends after all.

We compromised in the end and agreed on her coming back to mine in time for dinner after the second night away, so he gets 3 full days and two nights. In return he's agreed to let me take her to a panto on the first weekend that would have otherwise been mine, as I couldn't get tickets for any other day in the end. I was so close to just saying 'ok, by the way I was going to take her to the panto on your new weekend, why don't you take her instead' but my friend pushed me to bargain it so I could still take her, so I'm really pleased he agreed to it!

Great news op... well done for pushing.

I do kind of feel like I'm blocking out memories of lovely moments with him to help myself cope and justify what I've done
You're not though, are you?! You're beating yourself up by blocking out how nasty he often was, and tormenting yourself with memories of happy/optimistic moments like his proposal (when, one would imagine, he was on his very best behaviour!).

This is all quite natural, because he spent years belittling and infantilising your feelings. So, having acted on your feelings, it's inevitable that you will now feel silly and unjustified, and be doubting yourself constantly.

Hang in there OP, you'll eventually learn to trust your own judgement... in the meantime, be prepared to feel uncomfortable. There's no easy way round this unfortunately, you just have to go through it.

You need to stop discussing what you choose to do with DD in your time. It’s none of his business. I’m guessing he’s not feeling you out for what happens during his contact time.

I agree, you really need to stop showing your cards, & work on your armor.
You say I have plans.
Then do whatever you plan
You do not need to share constantly.
You can bet he doesnt, & will only tell you what suits him or is valuable as ammunition to hurt you.

Did he tell you Dd was sleeping at Granny's before the event ?

OOOH finally refound the thread after being off MN for a bit. Hi! Hi @helplesshopeless. How are things?

You do sound very accommodating of his needless changes to the agreed schedule! Not that there's anything wrong with being flexible but you can bet your left buttcheek that he'd refuse anything similar if you asked. I'm a little worried this will set an expectation with him that he can just chop and change.

Be very, very glad about the new woman. It took my ex five years and then his controlling, demanding attitude changed almost overnight. He didn’t tell me, but I knew from that switch in behaviour. I think he might be onto his second girlfriend now, not sure. He has still not actually told me, although DS has met her and mentioned that he met [female name] and [female name] is there now.

I do kind of get what you mean about almost missing him. He is back to being more normal and no pressure now, because his life is now sorted how he wants it. But then I just remember why I left and the awfulness of the years afterwards. It was traumatising, so I snap out of it in 0.000000002 seconds.

HH, another week gone by, how is the Xmas countdown going ?
Any Xmas party happening ? !!

My daughter is 4 today! 🥳

I've just got back from exh's house, we had a lovely birthday breakfast with her all together, then I dropped her at nursery. He's taking her out for dinner tonight with his parents; then I have her from tomorrow for my weekend and we have her birthday party on Saturday. It was really lovely to spend her birthday morning together, I really hope it can be a tradition in future. While I was there I had an awful sinking feeling about how lovely it was to be together and how I'd thrown that all away (bearing in mind he was on his best behaviour for her bday), but now I'm back at home I feel more at peace and just thankful for the lovely bday morning. She was so happy and excited and it was so precious to see 🥰

He is still with this new woman, he dumped our daughter at his parents house again overnight last Saturday while it was his weekend. I get it's nice for her to have sleepovers at her grandparents but it's pretty rich that he's doing that for this new woman whilst at the same time lecturing me on how precious his time is with her and that's why he'd never be flexible for me!! It's always on his terms. Obviously, he's now back to sending me nasty guilt trip messages now we've agreed that schedule swap and he's got what he needed from me.

I'm still in this awful place of now only remembering good happy times and thinking I jumped ship too soon, but also trying to remind myself that I didn't love him anymore, and that was the case even when he was going through good pleasant phases. I couldn't have pretended forever just to 'keep the family together' - he keeps telling me he would have done anything to keep the family together but I abandoned it to go and be a whore instead

Anyway, the consent order was approved last week and the decree absolute has been issued! It's all happened so quickly but I'm glad it's all sorted now, am just waiting for the financial settlement from the house.

Hope you're all doing well and thank you for checking in on me still, 9 months into this saga!!

Gals the breakfast went well.

You know if you go to court to get a CO then you can have a condition called "first refusal" built in which means if he isn't having your DD then he has to offer you first refusal for you to have her instead. Just a thought!! Then yes sure sometimes it's nice for her to have a sleepover with grandparents but not when you would like to have more time with DD.

Ooooh interesting @RandomMess - I hadn't heard of that before. What happens if, for example, his parents invited her over for a sleepover (as opposed to him using them for babysitting services) - surely he could just claim that's what's happening and I wouldn't be able to force him to offer the time to me first?!

I guess it would be up to you to agree it or not.

Happy Birthday @helplesshopeless DD well done for putting you little girl first through all of this.

Try not to react to his insults and accusations, the less you respond the sooner he will realise he's not getting to you and knows it's pointless.

he keeps telling me he would have done anything to keep the family together but I abandoned it to go and be a whore instead

But that is simply not true is it ?
He wouldn't give you space, he wouldn't let you breath, he wouldn't move out temporarily, he snatched your phone from you hands, he hounded you 24/24 with berating monologues & insults, he snooped on your work computer, he pushed you off the pavement & threatened to throw you down the stairs, & pestered you for sex you didn't want, he made threats by text while you recorded him being "nice", he made false statements about nursery school & having filed for divorce....
You have a very short memory

If that was doing "anything to keep the family together"... Bravo

Happy birthday HH! I am so happy for you, you have no idea. I know it is hard, as I am going through the same process right now, but you are doing so well. Day after day, you will be feeling less and less guilty and bad and more and more happy and content. You will start noticing how well you feel, how little you are anxious, how much more you enjoy life then you used to, now that you have only yourself to answer to. You will notice how much easier life is when you can make your own decisions, do what you want and when you want within your own means, of course.

Do not worry about anything, relax and be kind to yourself. Like I said so many times before, you seem to be an amazing human being and you deserve the best that life can give you. Take care.

Happy Christmas HH, I hope you & DD are with your parents, & that life is improving

Happy Christmas dear HH, hope you and DD have a lovely time

Great advice from @RandomMess as usual.

I think you would be very very wise to look at first refusal.

Keep a note of EVERY date that she is at her grandparents.

He is an awful man.

@helplesshopeless I hope you are having a peaceful Christmas. Wishing you and DD all the best for 2022.

Wishing you all a good Christmas

Merry Christmas lovely ladies!!! I hope you all have a peaceful and happy Christmas Day. I am just finishing up putting all of the presents under the tree and awaiting my daughters arrival from exh's house in the next 30mins ❤️

I can't thank you enough for all of your support this year, you're all amazing!!

Merry Christmas 🎄 to you too lovely @helplesshopeless! I hope your day was relaxing and you’re having a very different (good different) christmas time this year. Has it been ok?

Happy (belated) Xmas, OP! I hope you had a lovely time with your daughter. I'm so glad that life is calmer for you. You deserve every happiness!

To everyone on this thread, I hope the year ahead brings you all good things, and for anyone dreading another year of life with their partner, wishing you the strength and energy to make some positive changes. x