Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

Perhaps suggest your solicitor writes it into your divorce settlement that he has to wait a year before introducing her to DD 😂 he's such a cliché

Why is he messaging you about champagne in his fridge?!?

I would definitely trade it. Check the calendar for your birthday, dds birthday, Mother’s Day, easter, and anything else that comes to mind! Then say (in writing) sure we can do that but only if I can still have weekends x & y. If he’s already finding all his precious time with his child restricting his social life he will prob agree?
Re first day don’t stress about it too much. Have a note to slip into her pocket, buy a school hair clip in case he’s forgotten if they have that kind of thing. Try and remember many of us ie me don’t do our boys hair any mornings I’m hoping he lets me insist on brushing it occasionally come high school and more strict uniform standards!

Also if the first day is on his, I’d not be too precious about all the admin prep. I’d say casually have you bought her uniform? And see what he says… you will need to decide if uniform goes between houses etc.

And I really hope you drank his champagne! I hope his very new relationship is very short and he feels very silly having rearranged contact for it as obviously you will be building up a log and now have entries 1 and 2 complete

1. Complete contact swap requested to facilitate new relationship of approx 3 weeks standing. Date x, I agreed.
2. Child staying at grandparents overnight to facilitate dating new relationships as of approx 3 weeks on contact weekend.
3. Swap requested for x agreed
4. Swap requested for y agreed
5. Swap requested for something that didn’t suit you denied and message sent about consistency would be better for your child…

Swap requested

@Cavagirl the thought had crossed my mind re waiting a year 🤣 the champagne he was looking for was a bottle or two leftover from our wedding that we'd never got round to drinking. He was obviously looking for it so he could pop it open with this new woman! However, I'd already packed it off to a friend's garage when I was slowly moving out 😆 (I did leave several bottles behind, just took my share!)

@timeisnotaline good idea thank you!

I messaged him last night to discuss this. As suggested by you all I looked over the year to see if I would be inadvertently screwed over by switching the dates. It turns out that how the weekends fall currently I would be getting lucky with our daughter with how her birthday falls for the next 4 years!! So I said to him, I've noticed this in the current pattern, if I switch weekends to facilitate your new relationship then I want assurances that you will be flexible around her birthday weekends so I see her (as I would have of course been for him).

Funnily enough, after a few days of being pleasant with me in the run up to making this request, as soon as I sent the above message he lost his cool and said this was the least I could agree to after what I'd done, and that we could either do this the easy way or the hard way.

He managed to rein himself in though and he basically said 'you can have the f*cking birthday weekends' if I do swap. So maybe a win?!

I spent the night in turmoil imagining my daughter being stuck living with a boy half her time that she isn't related to, and she potentially won't get on with 🙈 I just hope exh takes things slow and keeps her centred in all of this...

Honestly this new relationship of his is unlikely to survive!

Absolutely have it all in writing that the switch means you get 3 weekends in a row around her birthday - literally but it in black and white on some sort of calendar. He could have the day before/after her birthday (daytime only) as you think would suit you best.

Once he's agreed to that then agree to the swap.

No doubt a different woman will turn up in the future and he'll want to swap around again and you can bargain some more!

Have you checked how mother and Father's Day fall as well as your birthday?

Yes, it actually works out well for me on Mother's Day and my birthday :) we've already agreed though that the other person can always have her on their birthday and parent's day so that was less of a concern.

I almost hope that this relationship does last for a little while...long enough for him to be occupied enough that he doesn't try to get more time with her once she starts school 😁

Well with this swap he's already just lost another 3 nights per year or similar! What a shame.

Yes big win!!!!!
And not really about the dates. Look at how you managed this:
He wanted something
You were happy to agree and negotiated something you wanted as a result
He agreed

Ignoring his crap and abuse the went alongside, that's what happened. Well done because this is huge progress even if you don't see it. 2 months ago you'd have agreed this was the least I could agree to after what I'd done.

Keep on keeping on OP.

Gah, I'm starting to feel like I miss him 😫is this normal? I think it's because he's being pleasant at the moment (no doubt because he's happy with this new lady plus needs to keep me sweet to switch the weekends). I just miss the chit chat about our daughter, he's the only one who loves her as much as I do and actually appreciates all the funny little things she does in the same way I do.

Urgh, it's hard this divorcing malarkey.

A lot of your identity was tied up in being HIS wife and the mother of HIS kid. Just remember that you were also HIS victim. There a lonely times as a single parent, but nothing is lonelier than suffering in silence in a cruel, empty relationship. If you went back, he’d squash you like a big.

*bug

Never forget that he will use your precious DD as weapon against you when it suits him. Men like him never change, it will always be his needs, his wants, his desires that have to be met first above all others, including his child.
You miss the ideal, the notion of what you thought he was and who you would have like him to be.
That wasn't him.
The real him is the nasty, manipulative, whisper in you ear all manner of cruel words, man. Never, ever forget that.

Also, when DD starts to oppose him he will use you against HER as well.

Ahhhh OP

We didn't have kids -- I got the cat 🥰 and I couldn't cuddle her without thinking of how I was depriving my ex-DH of her, etc etc. I can't imagine what it would be like being tied by a child. You are right, it's hard.

He knows what buttons to push with you and I wouldn't be surprised if he is playing the "Look what you're missing" game as his last card. You only have his word for it (?) that there's another woman, for example...

Don't be hard on yourself. Next time you miss him, do a mental experiment. Give yourself permission to go back to him and admit you made a terrible mistake. Then review, in your mind and heart and soul, how things would develop from there over the next few days/weeks/months/years...

@helplesshopeless

Gah, I'm starting to feel like I miss him 😫is this normal?

Perhaps this was the effect he was hoping for when he told you he had a new woman he's already wanting to arrange his and dd's life around? And your life too. What better way to reel you back in? Replace you in the house. The house he made sure he kept.

Thanks ladies

 I guess I am still in shock over everything as I think alcemeg mentioned a while ago, so I'm up and down. I was remembering earlier about how excited he was to propose to me, and it made me feel so sad for him. How did we get to this?!

I do kind of feel like I'm blocking out memories of lovely moments with him to help myself cope and justify what I've done, but then also I'm definitely not imagining the horrible moments that also happened! And hopefully with time I'll be better at not brushing those under the carpet and immediately accepting him back once he's being nice to me.

Anyway, amidst those thoughts, he helped me out this morning by sending over a bag of 'my things' with my daughter which basically was a load of rubbish (eg empty tampon boxes, old unused pregnancy tests, anusol cream!!! 😂) - so the dickish-ness helped level me out a bit!

Hes still a nasty piece of shit, he was vaguely pleasant to get what he wanted, (free w/es with the new woman)
Now he's emptying out the bathroom to move her things in. It would have been easier to tip the things in the trash, but he thought he'd do it this way to twist the knife.

So, he's sent me an email very graciously thanking me for agreeing to adapt her schedule and made a proposal as to how to facilitate the switch which basically involves her being with him for 4 days/3 nights between Christmas and new year (normally it would be two nights).

I'm clearly not going to be happy with this as I already made the point via our solicitors that I'm not happy for her to spend more than two nights in a row away from me while she's so young (partly because I was always her primary carer and partly because I know he runs out of patience for her after a while so I'd rather cap it at two nights so he can keep his energy levels up for her).

I can't shake the feeling that his new lady has encouraged him to suggest this, I know her son is with his dad for 3 nights in a row over his weekend and so it's probably made exh feel empowered to push for it. And he's sounding so reasonable in his email that if I reply with anything but mirrored graciousness I feel like that will reflect badly on me/make me look controlling if we end up in court later.

Any ideas on how to word my response?!

Well you need to figure out how you would like to facilitate the switch of schedules and go back with, I'm afraid this does not work for me as we already have plans on "x" date (whichever evening/day his third night falls on). I have no issue with having her for the extra time so we can start the new schedule on x.
Or you state as I have agreed to change the schedule for your convenience then I feel it is not inappropriate that DD spends the extra time with me until we can shift into your new schedule requirements.
Don't let him think he can push for more right now.

I have recently rescheduled my plans to fit in with your desire to enjoy your new gf.
The rest of my plans as per X will need to remain in place as already organized

So he's back to being nice when he wants something
No surprises there

Oh & please please take DD to see father Xmas, while he is shagging new bird

Just be factual.

"Plans have already been made so contact will have to switched as per your request as following. We agreed that DD would only be with you 2 consecutive nights, w expulsion review this in 3/4/5/6 months once she is more used to your new living arrangements"

Would be interested to know if he is planning on introducing new woman straight away or it's just he wants more child free weekend time to shag away.

Remember he was very harsh and insistent on agreeing to the current contact schedule and now he not only wants to switch weekends but also change the pattern.

You could be factual that the current schedule as only been in place for x weeks so you don't think it's in DDs best arrangements to change things so soon as she misses you and asks to FaceTime when she is with him 2 consecutive overnights which means she clearly she isn't ready for that to be stretched to 3 so soon.

Good way of documenting that he is denying her request for FT with you.

Excellent advice above.

Any pleasantries are purely self interest.

Do not agree to anything that suits him.

He has shown repeatedly that he will act against your daughter's best interests.

Do not be distracted nor swayed by momentary politeness.

Definitely bring her to Santa on your own.

I like @Mix56 response, I'd also add that as this is a further change for dd, it's important that any remaining plans stay in place, and this is not the time or place for her to be away from you for 4 days in a row. so not to disrupt her further.

If he starts to kick off have 'I think we should leave the schedule in place as it is, so not to further upset dd' in your back pocket