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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bastard bingo - full house!!

603 replies

helplesshopeless · 16/08/2021 06:59

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running Grin

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 17/11/2021 14:17

What a cruel cruel thing to do...

Maybe in future if he asks something and you want to say yes. Simply respond with 'yes'.

sometimes we think we need to say more to be polite, we are programmed to. So instead of 'of course, I'd love to have her, can't wait to see her, hope she's not too poorly' what you should say is 'yes that's fine' (3 words instead of 17)

When he pulls his cruel stunt, reply with 'ok' or 👍

I used to okay a game with myself when responding to my ex. I'd say to myself 'respond with the least amount of words possible' so he'd sent a 'war and peace' rant to me about how shit I am blah blah, never actually asking me a question so I'd not respond, if the rant had a question, then an 'ok' was usually suitable. You'd be surprised how many questions can be responded to with 'k' or a 👍

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 17/11/2021 15:06

@Alcemeg I think it was just because I had buckled down for getting through the usual two nights away from her, and was in that 'ploughing on' mode, and then when I thought I was going to see her I let that fall away a bit. So it hit me harder than it otherwise might have when the opportunity to see her was whisked away again after I let my guard down! I know it sounds daft, and I'm sure I'll get used to it, it's just a big adjustment after being with her every day and night since she was born.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent that sounds like a good plan. I do too easily get sucked into DD related chit chat with him. Literally 5 minutes after he'd played that 'joke' he was texting me asking about a birthday cake for her and I just replied as normal 🙄

@Mix56 surely if she's sick and crying for me I will go to her. It's for her not him, and he'd probably be hating admitting defeat and that she needs me...

But yes, working on the grey rock🪨🪨🪨

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/11/2021 15:11

You need to look at why you struggle to be away from her so much (more than just missing her), I suspect she filled a lot of your unmet emotional needs. That says an awful lot about your marriage.

Cavagirl · 17/11/2021 15:41

He's a knob. I'm sorry.
However, imagine he was being genuine, why would he have suggested you take her? Because she's ill? I agree with mix, if he wants 50/50 or close enough, he's going to have to manage this himself and you are doing no one any favours (least of all yourself) if you're leaping in. If it's going to be this split of time then DD needs to get used to being comforted by him (which she will). It can't be that it's 50/50 (or close enough) but you do all the hard stuff like looking after her when she's not well, organising her birthday parties, dealing with school etc etc.
she seems happy to FaceTime him now and then and no issues in saying goodbye when she does (I suggest it more for his benefit than hers, she's not that interested)
Does he facetime you, when she's with him?

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 17/11/2021 16:06

@RandomMess yes, fair point. I don't feel terrible most of the time, this morning just hit me extra hard for some reason.

@Cavagirl he very rarely FaceTimes. She's said to me several times when I pick her up from his that she's asked to FaceTime me and daddy wouldn't do it 💔 usually when I challenge him on this he denies it but then will reluctantly FaceTime next time he has her. Whenever I do raise it with him (after she's mentioned her request being ignored) he makes a dig about me being 'busy' (insert lewd remarks) with the OM and not wanting to disturb us 🙄

OP posts:
SpringCrocus · 17/11/2021 16:26

oh he is SO vile. Does he make those lewd remarks in DD hearing?

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 17/11/2021 16:35

Not anymore Smile this is all via text

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/11/2021 16:41

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

What a cruel cruel thing to do...

Maybe in future if he asks something and you want to say yes. Simply respond with 'yes'.

sometimes we think we need to say more to be polite, we are programmed to. So instead of 'of course, I'd love to have her, can't wait to see her, hope she's not too poorly' what you should say is 'yes that's fine' (3 words instead of 17)

When he pulls his cruel stunt, reply with 'ok' or 👍

I used to okay a game with myself when responding to my ex. I'd say to myself 'respond with the least amount of words possible' so he'd sent a 'war and peace' rant to me about how shit I am blah blah, never actually asking me a question so I'd not respond, if the rant had a question, then an 'ok' was usually suitable. You'd be surprised how many questions can be responded to with 'k' or a 👍

This is an excellent suggestion.

OP, perhaps start texting when she comes home a very PA "X mentioned that she asked to FaceTime me again but you didn't. Could you please do this"?

Have a record of her emotional needs NOT being met.
Flowers

billy1966 · 17/11/2021 16:43

Those texts are proof that he is hurting her to punish you.

What an ugly, ugly man he is.

FantasticButtocks · 17/11/2021 20:42

@helplesshopeless

(I suggest it more for his benefit than hers, she's not that interested)

You don't need to do things for his benefit.

You only need to do what's in the best interests of your daughter.

You are not together anymore and you don't need to (and actually can't) please him. Whatever you do for him, you will not change his attitude or personality.

He won't be doing anything for your benefit. You can count on that.

Your only responsibilities are to yourself and your daughter. He is going to spend the rest of his life stewing in his own toxic juices.

Mix56 · 18/11/2021 10:50

I know its hard, you obviously want to get her back if she is ill.
But you need to look at the bigger picture. If its his watch, he will have to leave work & collect if shes sick in school soon, why should you have to take time off to look after her?
He wants this split, he needs to take the good with the bad.

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 19/11/2021 10:07

OP, perhaps start texting when she comes home a very PA "X mentioned that she asked to FaceTime me again but you didn't. Could you please do this"?

Yes, I definitely will do that. I like that wording as well, matter of fact and no emotive language, which I struggle with!

@FantasticButtocks I know you're right- I suppose I'm just used to operating in this way and hopefully in time that will become less of a habit. I do want her to feel that she can FaceTime him at mine though, for her own benefit, so will keep offering it at now and then opportune moments.

@Mix56 argh, I really struggle with the idea of not looking after her when she's sick. I know he'd take decent care of her, but who doesn't want their mummy when they're ill! Again, I suppose this is another thing that I will adjust to with time.

The good news is that there was no sickness bug from her so phew! We had a gorgeous day together yesterday- being separated from her really does make me appreciate every minute when I have her, which I suppose is a plus side (previously I'd sometimes be counting down to bedtime for some peace, which is awful to think back to now!). She's at his this weekend but I am off to a friend's tonight for a dinner party then will spend this weekend getting a head start with her bday and Christmas presents Smile

Wishing you all a happy Friday and lovely weekend! Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
helplesshopeless · 19/11/2021 10:26

Wow, just stumbled across this song by a new artist (someone shared on fb) - amazing. Really spoke to me!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?fbclid=IwAR21rn8JNkqE4qCyoEpH-ooXLs7WGVPmxsi6mOLy-XFYJWSR1GtQcaExr9Y&v=Bls5afuaOEg&feature=youtu.be

Sorry for the rubbish link Grin

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 19/11/2021 10:30

I can’t add to the excellent advice others have given you re keeping texts and using less emotive language. I’m so pleased you are away from your nasty, spiteful ex.

But I just wanted to say your last post is very heartening. See the positives in catching up with your DD, relish the time you have with her and enjoy your social time alone and see the benefits of shopping without a small child. What you are describing is so healthy and encouraging. 💐

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 19/11/2021 10:32

Thank you @KatherineSiena, that's such a lovely message Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/11/2021 13:31

Hmm, he's asking me if we can switch our weekends around as he's met someone with a child who has her child on the other weekend to the one he has her daughter. Didn't take long for him to change his tune, a few weeks ago he was telling me that his main focus would always be our daughter while I was going to be 'busy making a new vile family of goblin babies' with the OM!

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 21/11/2021 13:53

Look ahead and see if there is any advantage/disadvantage for you before you agree (ie Mothers Day, birthdays, bank holidays, etc)

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/11/2021 14:03

I agree, look ahead, if it suits you, then go for it, if there's anything you'd like from him now, that you've not asked, as you knew he'd hold it against you, now is the time to do this.

'Yes, happy to swap the weekends starting on x weekend, however I need you to have dc on x week' that's sort of thing.

I hate asking my ex to swap or do me a 'favour' as he will hold it against me, however he's also got a different woman on the go, so frequently asks to swap contact, when he asks I use this as a lever to get what I want too. Always keep it in your back pocket, if he refuses simply go back with 'oh sorry I now can't do x, my mistake' they soon get the picture

peridito · 21/11/2021 14:11

he's met someone with a child ...as in met someone /going out with someone !!! Surely not ?

Could he be making this up to hurt you HH ? Which I imagine it might ,despite breaking up you have a shared life with him and some happy memories .

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/11/2021 14:30

Good points, I'm not against it in principle though as it would align me with another single mum friend's schedule which would be handy!

The only thing I'm anxious to make sure that happens is that I'm with her on the morning of her first day at school next year. Don't really think I can use that as a bargaining tool for this request though 🙈 and I don't want to show my hand on that as if her first day at school falls on a day where she's at his he will use that as a power play leading up to it.

@peridito he's on tinder, I know he's been going on dates so it's perfectly feasible I suppose. It really doesn't hurt or upset me imagining him with someone else (a good sign I suppose!) although ridiculously I don't like the idea of her maybe living in our old family home (and benefitting from all of his money that I no longer have access to 🤣🤣). I don't like the idea of our daughter having to live with a step-sibling if it comes to it either. But I suppose these are the realities I've chosen to potentially be faced with further down the line!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 21/11/2021 15:06

Wow, No flies on him then.
Say you don't mind changing. He will however have to forfeit the week in order to swop over.
Its good, lets him move on, the sooner he will leave you alone & hopefully stop his remarks about any male friends you may have

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/11/2021 17:30

Re the first day of school, if it lands with him, wait for her the school gate and walk her in together, or wait in the playground. There's no rules on this, you have as much right to be around for her first day of school, don't for one minute think you 'can't because ex won't be impressed' Sod it if he gets arsey, that's his problem not yours - it comes back to being 'trained' to appease him. You don't to anymore

Original poster
helplesshopeless · 21/11/2021 18:04

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow yes absolutely, I just want to be able to get her ready and do her hair etc 💔 you don't imagine not being able to do that for your child when they're born.

It gets better, turns out he had her stay at his parents on Friday night - he was asking me earlier that day where the champagne was from his drinks fridge, so presumably it was for a hot date with this lady that he now wants to rearrange the time with our daughter for 🙄 after all his blustering about his time with her being precious and needing more of it!

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 21/11/2021 18:09

Wow, that was fast. You basically just moved out and he already has a lady friend.

RandomMess · 21/11/2021 20:51

Probably already had her lined up ready!