Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

Hi all ❤️

Sorry I've been so so useless!! I keep finding a few mins to write a post but then feel like I want to properly address some of your thoughtful and helpful posts that I received a few weeks back; but then I don't have enough time to do it just or get half way writing through then lose it, etc etc.! I figured I'd just come on now and do one of my brain dumps, and apologies in advance that I'm not responding individually to all of your really thoughtful comments. Thank you all so much though for continuing to think of me and checking up on me.

I do just want to mention my parents very quickly - @Cavagirl you wrote such an extensive and helpful post around my struggles to characterise the situation as anything other than my fault and a huge failing on my side. I do dismiss any suggestion that my feeling of failure is down to my parents and upbringing, but only because they're wonderful in pretty much every way and have only ever been supportive of every path I've been down in life. Never had a whiff of judgement from them on anything, towards me or anyone else. I was only reluctant to tell them because, I suppose partly because I didn't want to worry them before I had a firm resolution, but also because I guess I just find it hard to talk about?! I dunno. But they have continued to be wonderfully supportive throughout this period, both to me and my daughter ☺️

I am generally doing ok, the abusive text messages have reduced hugely and things are ticking along. He hasn't thrown any more jumpers at me on his doorstep! 🙈 It was our wedding anniversary yesterday and that did dredge up some uncomfortable feelings of guilt and dread about how complicated life has become and will be in the future. As anticipated he sent me a sarcastic text about celebrating 6 years since the worst mistake of his life and how he can't wait to have a divorce anniversary to celebrate 🙄 I didn't bother replying.

I do struggle with how black and white everything has become in my head on the surface level. I think as my defence mechanism now I just keep repeating to myself that he was abusive, I was never going to be happy, I had to end it because of that, and so on. In reality of course it was a lot more nuanced. He was a normal flawed person a lot/most of the time. When he found out about my affair he did desperately want to save the marriage. He had anger management therapy, he was anxious all the time about losing me, he struggled to remain calm as a result. The truth is I didn't give it much time. I was in fight or flight mode and eventually just had to escape and get away from the situation. So I have all of that 'bigger picture' knowledge of him, his decent side, how much he wanted to stay together, but I am also trying to accept the fact that the abuse isn't acceptable no matter what I've done..then also I keep remembering that I used to have flashes of complete distaste for him, i got nothing from him emotionally, I couldn't think of much I actually liked about him at times, so of course I couldn't stay with someone like that, even if I hadn't had an affair...and then I remember some happier times and think I've done him a complete injustice in characterising him how I have, and the cycle continues. Gah! This internal monologue is in my mind, either at the forefront or the back, constantly.

What if it's just 'I did a terrible thing, something i never ever thought I would do, and I need to accept that fact in order to grieve, process and move on from it'?

The less exposure I have to his rudeness, the more I forget how unpleasant he's been the last few months. In keeping with our general dynamic I'm always quick to forgive/forget and keen to move back into niceness (the 'safe zone') and so even now when there's a glimpse of a normal conversation between us (in text, discussing daughter's arrangements) I think 'ah, he's actually a nice person, this is pleasant, why did I give up so quickly, I've destroyed our worlds for nothing' 🤦‍♀️

When I have her with me and I see how happy she is, I feel like everything is ok. But when I think about navigating the broader picture in the future it just fills me with panic. Nothing is ever going to be easy again is it? Not if I have to battle him over every holiday, trip, festive season...I'm ridiculously now obsessing over how I'll ever manage to have another baby, it shouldn't be something im even thinking about right now but im 35 and there's just not enough time left to have a decent period of adjustment before introducing her to a new partner, and then moving in, getting pregnant...and I don't even want to do that for her. If she was with me all the time it would be fine I think, but I hate the idea of me staying at home with a new baby and her being carted out to her dad's house for her designated daddy time. She's asking me almost daily at the moment if I can have a baby for her 🙈 I also feel like she's got so much easier recently, yes she has tantrums and struggles to share and whatever else is normal for her age, but she is just a joy to be around. She's genuinely so sweet, so hilarious and clever (of course, not biased in the slightest...). Which makes her absence when she is at his even more stark.

Meanwhile, I'm busy planning her 4th bday party that exh kindly promised her. Panicking hugely as I invited everyone she's ever played with, assuming that max 60% would accept, given it'll be a weekend in December when surely people will be busy. But no, it's a constant stream of joyful acceptances! 😂 I think I'm at capacity for the hall I've booked now (and still waiting on some responses) so the children will have to dance on their allocated spots and their parents will have to take turns standing inside on a rotation basis 😆 Nevermind how I'm going to make 30+ sets of packed lunches for them all...it will be an interesting first toe dip into the world of children's parties for sure!

Annnnnd breathe. Well done for anyone that read those rambles 😆 sorry again it was such a brain dump. Wishing you all a peaceful night

Woah, that was long!! I'm sorry, I know a lot of it is old ground that we've been over again and again, so it's probably going to be a frustrating read 🙈

I think you would benefit from some therapy to work out why you have been so quick to forgive and forget such awful treatment from him tbh. Get out of this loop in your head and see him as the flawed person he is that doesn't know how to truly love.

I am unsurprised DD is happy and thriving she is no longer living in a war zone!

Keep on keeping on

I Hope you haven't invited Xh to the party ?
Dd sounds so much happier, because she is safe away from his atmosphere of hate of you.

great to hear from you HH ,things will get better .They really will .

HH your attitude reminds me so much of myself .I didn't leave my partner ,far too cowardly and now in my 70s I'm still with him .But had I been brave enough to do so I'm sure I would have been in the same turmoil you find yourself .

He's in no way a bad man but is emotionally unavailable and very focused on himself .He has loads of very tiring traits but I've come to realise that even without them ,I wouldn't have affection or love for him .

We have a son in his late 20s who lives at home .He has never had a relationship ,works ,loves being at home . I wonder all the time what role models we have presented him with .

I have looked elsewhere for affection and the lies and guilt taint everything and destroy my sense of worth .

I feel it's too late to leave now ,not least because doing so would inevitably burden our son with propping up his father .
And then there is the truth that living this lie has meant that my partner has not had love,affection or respect from me .The respect is the biggest factor for me .

So ,the above is a cautionary tale .There is no abuse from my partner but living with someone when so much is missing from the relationship is not a viable option for me ,and ,I expect for many .

And please ,there is no need to respond to this post .

Thank you @agoldenautumnday. I know what you mean about the deceit destroying your sense of self worth. I hope you find some peace with yourself 

@Mix56 yep he'll be at the party, along with many other children and parents! I wouldn't dream of not allowing him to come, we're hosting it jointly (just with me doing all the work!) - at least it means I can get him to pay for half of it 😉

Yes you're right random, therapy is definitely needed. I don't know if it's just my nature to not have the energy to hold grudges or keep up walls, or maybe something around needing to be liked, who knows! It is definitely a habit with him though to quickly move on from unpleasantness (without any admission or apology from him), which is partly I think why this gradually built up over time and ended up with me doing what I did.

The worst bit for me is having to share my daughter. I know she's his as well and she has a right to both of us, and I will always facilitate their relationship, but I just feel so much like she is mine and he doesn't deserve to reap the rewards of her after all the years of effort I've put in almost single handedly!

Ah OP I really understand your constant fretting. I think it's just part of your nature. It was mine, too. I kept being told that once I felt angry, the anger would carry me through. But I never felt angry! Just sorry for him, really, when he wasn't actually upsetting me.

Easier said than done, but I think you just have to make a simple statement in your head that you repeat to yourself, as you would to a fretting child. Something like "I just wasn't happy, and that's no way to live." Don't go down rabbit-holes of trying to make more detailed sense of the situation.

Over time, this will fade, I promise. And not just because it will become more of a distant memory. The proof is in the pudding, and you will find that your life without him is actually much easier and nicer. You'll start to wonder why you haven't missed him company yet. At the moment you are still wrapped up in the headspace your adopted to survive living with him: the one where he is centrally important and you make allowances for him in every possible way. Eventually, you'll get the hang of the fact that you don't need to do that any more. You'll relax. You'll even look back, one day, and wonder how you managed to put up with such a strange home life.

I don't think it's any coincidence that your daughter is more of a joy to be around nowadays. See, it's done her good already!

P.S. Of course, something like "I just wasn't happy" is a massive understatement, but I think it might be easier for you to adopt than simplified descriptions of what actually went on, which at this point you would be inclined to dismiss as "dramatic" (still seeing yourself through his eyes).

Try not to panic. The very idea that you'd carelessly make such a major life upheaval, selfishly and without thought, is very much a mental image that HE has placed in your psyche. It doesn't reflect your true reality, which is that this is enormously difficult for you. You'd have done anything to avoid it, and indeed you tried!

Your true reality will gradually surface and take solid shape around you, and at that point you will realise what a lucky escape you've had. (Except that it wasn't luck. It was courage and intelligence on your part, for your sake and your daughter's.) Give it time...

Just realised that what I'm trying to say is:

You've got into the habit of minimising your feelings, because he did, so that's the only way things made sense in your relationship.

You don't need to do that any more, but old habits die hard.

In the meantime you are bound to worry. How dare you act on your own featherweight feelings that don't matter at all, silly little woman!

It will take a long time to heal from this distorted worldview. Try to be patient and kind to yourself in the process.

I was thinking you don't need to get angry etc but you absolutely need to realise that your feelings are valid and you were not heard or listened to or cared for in your marriage. That is why you need therapy, why did you allow your feelings and needs to be ignored to the point where you still don't think they matter or are valid?

Thank you @Alcemeg, you always set out such insightful comments in such a jolly manner 😆 you're totally right that I'm still in the headset of making allowances for him constantly. I hope you're right that things will gradually take shape.

I realised earlier that I did something at the weekend (had a friend over to my house with her husband and two boys) which probably wouldn't have happened so easily with him - there'd be huffing or moans if I'd planned it previously (I don't even think I would have planned it) and if he'd reluctantly joined us then he'd have annoyed me by being sat scrolling through his phone instead of being sociable. So it's nice to have some freedom in that respect! And my daughter absolutely loved having the boys over to play!

@RandomMess Yes I see what you mean. I think what I'm now feeling so sad about, now I've made the leap, is I don't know what's worse - being with him and having to squash down my feelings, or my situation now when I am away from him but separated from my daughter but I suppose that's something I'll get used to with time and as I begin to build our new life.

Just remember you're in the really really early stages! It's all new and shocking. You're like a plant in shock at having been transplanted.

But as your weekend shows, the way you spend your time is already expanding. These subtle changes in what you do are almost imperceptibly creating a whole new root system. You're no longer trying to grow in the shade of a mighty tree that sucks all the nutrients out of the soil (sorry, I am really pushing my luck with this metaphor but hey ho!).

This microscopic root system will spread and strengthen until your life is full of supportive relationships you couldn't even imagine when your whole focus was on managing your husband's neuroses.

Assuming you're human, you'll also have some odd relationships too, along the way... but trust me, it gets easier disposing of energy parasites. 😉

@helplesshopeless ^what @Alcemeg said, she’s very wise ^

Hi OP, glad to see you back and you're still pushing through. Really nice to hear how your parents are supporting you too.

Re. the birthday party - that wouldn't be this birthday party, would it?
Meanwhile he says he is organising her birthday party and 'will let me know the details in due course'. He is apparently inviting all of his friends who hate me and think I'm a whore (as he put it), but I'm not allowed to invite any of mine (who actually have children who are friends with her) because apparently they are 'enablers' in encouraging me to leave him.

How strange, that you've ended up doing it all....

Re. the mental loop - do you ever read back any of your old posts on here, in the sense of a diary, to remind yourself of the reality?

I don't know what's worse - being with him and having to squash down my feelings, or my situation now when I am away from him but separated from my daughter You need to add and demonstrating to my DD that this is how a healthy relationship and marriage is, this is how husbands treat wives because even if you could sacrifice yourself to get 100% of your time with her, ultimately that's not in her best interests, to live in a house where her mother is in a box (and ultimately she will be too).

How is he managing with the 6/14? How is your DD doing with it?

Haha, yes @cavagirl it is that birthday party!! He told me in the end that I'd have to handle it and report back to him on progress as he was too busy with work 😆I'm sure he talks to me in this commanding tone just to try and irritate me now.

To be honest, I don't really fancy reading back over old threads as that was a period of such anxiety, both in terms of his behaviour but also over facing up to my own actions. My weight had plummeted and I was barely sleeping and reading over it again just brings all those awful feelings back! Also, I still feel like everything I'm talking about happening in those earlier threads are my fault, because of what I'd done 🙈

Re how he's managing with 6/14, absolutely fine I think. It's only nursery pick up, snack and bed twice a working week, and then every other weekend, so I don't think he could find it too difficult. I know he hates not seeing her for 5 sleeps when I have her for my weekend. Im worried this pattern is going to go against me actually, as he's going to be keen to re-juggle things as soon as she starts school to avoid such a long gap on my weekends, as we won't be so restricted by her being with me on my non- workdays. I'd rather he was struggling a bit with the reality of it all!! Hopefully he'll realise that when she starts school, he'll have a lot more to deal with on the two nights a work week that he has her, as he'll need to pick her up a lot earlier than from nursery, and he'll need to cook a healthy dinner for her after school too.

But, the main thing is that my daughter seems absolutely fine. She happily chats to me about things at daddy's house, seems happy to FaceTime him now and then and no issues in saying goodbye when she does (I suggest it more for his benefit than hers, she's not that interested😆) and looks forward to seeing him when I send her off to nursery for him to pick up. Hopefully she is the same when she is at his. She's adjusted beautifully. I wish she hadn't had to adjust, and I wish she could have us together, but given it's happened I think it's gone as well as it possibly could have done (so far!). It makes my heart ache thinking about it though and wishing that things were simpler for her (not even hyperbole, it is physically aching right now!)

@Alcemeg maybe by the time spring comes along I'll be ready for some little flowers to begin to bloom 😉

Of course you do realize if he had organized the party he wouldn't have allowed you to be there.
He orchestrated it perfectly, you do all the work, & he will reap benefit.
I know you now are feeling guilt for separating & being malleable to pay penance. But hopefully little by little you will awaken to the fact that you are still punishing yourself for having an EA. But the base if it all was his miserable spiteful, controlling treatment of you even before your Emotional affair & former to the EA you were already miserable. Thats no way to live for your entire life. a toxic environment for Dd.
Ar some point you would have left him, or forfeited your life

@helplesshopeless

I wish she hadn't had to adjust, and I wish she could have us together, but given it's happened I think it's gone as well as it possibly could have done (so far!). It makes my heart ache thinking about it though and wishing that things were simpler for her

Things would not be simpler for her if she had to live with you both together! Because your relationship is toxic and extremely unhealthy, growing up with that atmosphere at home is certainly of no benefit to her. You have done the right thing.

Can you reframe it in your mind, that you have actually saved her from having to grow up in an unhealthy and harmful environment?

Urgh, feeling really low this morning. We got an email from nursery saying there's a sickness bug going round. She was at his last night and is tonight. He texted me saying 'oh no, sickness bug at nursery, should she stay at yours tonight?' - of course I said yes, I'll happily take her. Was getting really excited to see her and he then replied that he was joking and she'd be staying at his. For some reason it's really impacted me and I can't stop crying now

@helplesshopeless yet again he's manipulating you and you're falling for it. Whenever he emails stuff like this you reply we best stick to the routine.
I know it's hard but for your own mental health and your daughters routine, stand firm. I hope he sent all those reply's on email, so keep in a folder to show people how nasty and manipulative he is.

You need to grey rock him. You don't need to respond to anything urgently unless it's a serious medical matter.

Let him speak to the black void.

Please get yourself some therapy. Your ex is not a nice person how much more abusive does he need to be for you to realise this?

Agree with above.

You badly need to prioritise counselling.

You accepted being treated so badly for so long.

You need to learn why and help you heal from tge reasons you did.

He has treated you so badly.

Re the party, I strongly suggest that you do not do joint parties going forward.

It is perfectly reasonable for you both to have separate ones.

He is not a good man and his nastiness towards you is not something to allow him to give vent to in public.

Keep your time as separate from him as possible.

Well actually when/if she is throwing up & crying for you, I hope he really really doesn't say you need to take her. The answer is NO. He gets to parent...
You should never have said Yes.

@helplesshopeless

Urgh, feeling really low this morning. We got an email from nursery saying there's a sickness bug going round. She was at his last night and is tonight. He texted me saying 'oh no, sickness bug at nursery, should she stay at yours tonight?' - of course I said yes, I'll happily take her. Was getting really excited to see her and he then replied that he was joking and she'd be staying at his. For some reason it's really impacted me and I can't stop crying now

Might be worth trying to work out what it is that's upset you so much. Is it not feeling needed (by her, by him)? Wanting to be super-helpful, to show him you are not an evil bitch after all? There are a multitude of odd little ways you can self-sabotage when there's no need. If you can bring to light what they might be and fully examine them, it might be less easy for him to manipulate your emotions.

Such.. a… PRICK!!!

BTW, this is also abusive. Please make note.