Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

Hello @helplesshopeless I too have continued to check in every week or so and have also felt genuinely very concerned for you and your daughter so to read you are out, she loves her new home (of course she does, it has you in it) I am utterly delighted for you.
Now comes your shift in perspective of what you have to allow and accept from him - nothing. You deserve respect as the mother of his daughter.
The relationship didn't work / ran it's course and that is that. You owe him nothing other than respect as your daughter's father assuming he has and acts on her best interests not his wounded pride or free fall at losing the control he had and wielded over you.
I wish you so well, I hope every day and week you take steps towards re-building your self esteem and letting your light shine now you are free of his mood swings, emotional instability and violence. You are clearly a wonderful mother and the best thing you can do for her is role model genuine happiness, self esteem and confidence in your self. Well done, you navigated a really horrible, stressful period and now you are free to be happy on your terms.

How has your week been ?
Is Dd with XH this w/e? It will be testing to be away from her.
You must keep busy, get the house sorted, go out, get a hair cut, see friends.... Try & think about you, not her.

Hello lovely ladies. Firstly thank you as always for your such kind messages of support, @AMSA your message was so lovely. I'm so touched that so many of you think of mel, it's a funny world on the internet with anonymous faceless posters and so to think there's people out there wishing me well is really lovely

@Mix56 thank you for checking in, yes you're right she is with him this weekend, which is really tough 💔 the second week is always going to suck as he has her tues/weds then I pick her up Thursday morning, and then she has her back after nursery on Friday for another two nights 😫 but the following week I get 5 nights in a row over the weekend which is wonderful.

It's just a horrible feeling knowing that I can't be there for her when she's with him. He's a decent father, he cares for her and loves her and will do fun things with her, but he doesn't 'get' her... he's not a natural child clicking person if that makes sense. He's not as nurturing as I would like and I hate that she misses out on that side when I'm not there.

I know everyone has different parenting styles and that's fine but I worry for her that we're going to have complete inconsistency because he's so unwilling to work with me, he's on some sort of power trip in demonstrating his control now I can't see or influence what's happening. For example he texted me saying she will no longer sleep in nappies, she'll have a mat on her bed instead and will learn to get up on the night for the toilet. I was trying to suggest that maybe now, while she's in the middle of such a big change, isn't the time to introduce something else, and perhaps he could leave it a bit then think about how to gently move towards that. But no, he's decided it's happening so now I have no choice in also following that so she's got consistency. There's going to be so many instances like this and I'm really worried about the impact on her of having two parents who can't work together for her sake.

But, I digress! My sister is visiting this weekend which is lovely :) and I am still in bed! I think the last time I slept this late was over 4 years ago!

@KatySun i actually spoke to the police yesterday as they were following up on the reports I made about him telling me he'd kill me and OM. They wanted to arrest him but I just couldn't go through with it, i know youll all disagree with that but I know it would make everything so so so much more difficult between us. So we've compromised and they've reported me as a vulnerable person and the social services and domestic violence team (or something similar) will be in touch with me to discuss the situation and any necessary action around non molestation. So I will mention the continued abuse then and see what they think. I just wish he'd at least pretend to be normal in front of my daughter, when I picked her up on Thursday he called me a moron and threw her jumper in my face, which is know is mild but she watches and listens and as a result she didn't want to hug him goodbye (he probably didn't make the connection but I know her and he made her uneasy again with those small things).

@StormTreader thanks for your suggestions on the pension. The finances are all agreed now and the consent order has been filed with the courts. His pension pot isn't actually much higher than mine, partly because he's only become such a high earner in the last 5 years or so and partly because his employer is US owned, so the pension offering isn't as good as other companies. I'm half hoping the court will say 'no, give her more money you arsehole!' 🤣 but it's very unlikely, I've got a decent lump sum coming my way which is funding a house deposit plus will give me some savings for a 'fighting fund' if I need it for court in future.

One more sleep until I get my daughter back ❤️

Wishing you all a lovely weekend!

OP,

He is doing her harm with his behaviour towards you, don't think for a second he isn't.

I would be noting everything ugly that he does because if it could be used to reduce his contact with her, it would be good.

I would be concerned about what he is saying to her.

Be very honest with the DV team.

he's decided it's happening so now I have no choice in also following that so she's got consistency

They wanted to arrest him but I just couldn't go through with it, i know youll all disagree with that but I know it would make everything so so so much more difficult between us

I'm not going to tell you that either of these decisions are wrong. But I think it would be helpful perhaps to recognise for yourself where you are continuing to protect him from the negative consequences of his own actions, to avoid rocking the boat.

There is going to come a point, I'm guessing quite soon, where you will find this very difficult to do, and you will have a choice between living with "things being very difficult" or squashing yourself and your daughter into such a tiny box to accommodate him that if starts to feel unbearable.

At that point you will have to risk his wrath anyway. Because - as he always was going to - he's using your DD as a tool to punish you with now.

I just wish he'd at least pretend to be normal in front of my daughter, when I picked her up on Thursday he called me a moron and threw her jumper in my face

He's never going to be able to pretend things are normal in front of her unfortunately, not until he grows up (or has the fabled personality transplant), because he won't ever be able to put anyone else first, ahead of his own need to let out his rage and emotions.

You need to mention all of this, especially the elements involving your DD, to the DV team.

I forgot, have either of you actually filed for divorce yet?

I really hope you have a lovely weekend with your sister and can put the arsehole out of your mind for a bit.

On the bed wetting thing PE let him do it his.

Being dry at night is hormonal not a choice. I would actually speak to social services about this as he abusing DD to control you.

Please wake up and smell the coffee. He is not a good Dad at all and he gives not one shiny shit about abusing her emotionally.

I'd find the NHS links about DC being dry at night. Email him with them and state categorically you will not go along with something that is against medical advice.

@RandomMess I can't find anything categorical unfortunately, she is almost four so I suppose it's normal to try night time training at this age? I just don't think she's ready, her nappies are always hugely wet when she wakes in the morning so it makes no sense to plough into it yet. I've just messaged him saying this and suggesting we make some slower steps towards it (eg cutting out bedtime milk, making sure she drinks and wees lots in the day and then seeing if her nighttime nappy becomes lighter over time as a first step) so will see what he says. Unfortunately he's already told her about being a big girl means not having nappies at night so she's keen to ditch it.

@Cavagirl I know I probably was being daft over the arrest point, I just was in utter panic imagining them knocking on his door and taking him away in a police car, in front of all the neighbours etc...but I am pleased that I'm being referred to SS and the domestic team, as they can advise more fully on next steps without him needing to be aware yet of what's happening. But yes I am very conscious of constantly trying to manage his moods and reactions (still!) and it's almost always pointless.

Yep, divorce was filed for back in July so it will all be finalised soon!

Ah I must have missed that! Did you file against him for unreasonable behaviour in the end?

@Cavagirl in keeping with the general theme (😂) I stepped back and allowed him to file against me for my unreasonable behaviour, on the understanding that he wouldn't apply for an order for costs. And of course, despite that, he did include costs in his filing, so I have to pay for it now. it's £500 - a small price to pay for freedom I suppose. If I'll ever be free...🙈

He's just replied to my message about the night training:

'Cool story. She actually had a dry nappy this morning. We all know you desperately want to keep her a baby as it helps with your whole control and conditioning agenda. She's ready soon to try not wearing them'

Urgh he's such an idiot.

Nearly 4 isn't that old at all for night training.

You can say to DD - yes when you get dry nappies and my house overnight you can stop wearing them.

Fine to have different rules.

Seriously stop trying to manage his moods, stop engaging with all these discussions around DD. It's all about keeping you reeled in thinking about him, worrying about him and filling your headspace.

You cannot co-parent with an abusive controlling bully. You have physically escaped and mentally moved nowhere.

You need help and fast, Freedom Programme and a therapist that is experienced in dealing with women leaving abusive relationships where they continue to use the DC to control them.

😬😬😬 Well I did wonder....following the theme 🙈
Look as you say you're free so who cares.
But indeed - following the theme - yet another example of where he promises a Hypothetical Future Something as part of a negotiation, you want to believe it so you agree, and he gets what he wants but then never delivers his part.
You can't trust him an inch.
Maybe one day he'll change, but not for a long long time. Please treat him accordingly.

He will lie about anything and everything tbh.

He will probably lie about DD being dry at his so you are endlessly washing sheets. I've known that one happen before.

God, if I got a message like that then I would make sure that every message I ever sent him from now on discussing anything included the phrase "we all know that you..."

He can 110% fuck off with that kind of bullshit.

OP,
@Cavagirl and @RandomMess are writing sense.

He doesn't care about your daughter despite what you say.

When you really care about your child, you would no more hurt them, use them, nor behave in a way that creates insecurity in them.

He does that without a second thought.

He is a shit father to his core and you repeating that he is a good father will never change that.

Only a shit father would hurt a child the way he does.

He is ugly to his core.

Stop trying to engage with him as a reasonable co-parent. You have tried to co-ordinate the steps towards night dry-ness, he has thrown it back in your face. So 🤷🏻‍♀️ No further communication necessary on that matter. You can parallel parent - he does his thing, you do yours. The impact on her will be less than if she has two parents arguing and you are anxious and stressed about his moods and reactions. Okay, at daddy’s she has a bed mat, at yours she uses pull ups of whatever. I genuinely cannot remember when either of mine were dry at night or how I managed it. It really is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. The less communication you have with this man the better. All communication is a way for him to keep a hold over you and put you down or an opportunity for him to abuse you.

Good that the police are taking your reports seriously and are going to put you in touch with the DV team and social services. Hopefully this tells you that this is NOT you and NOT your fault. So you can ditch the guilt and concentrate on you and DD’s safety. The police are not minimising it, neither should you.

Finally, my experience of social services was that they actually investigated me, to determine if I was a suitable parent protecting my child (I know this because I made a subject access request for the files). They decided obviously that I was but of course protecting my child led to fairly horrendous legal bills. So whatever social services say, the question is what support they are going to give you. Not that they say you need to limit contact and protect your child and then leave you at the sharp (and expensive) end of actually doing this.

Oh what a jerk... yes obviously he is using the nappy thing over the w/e when you don't have her, to keep you glued to your phone & worrying about her.
He probably hasn't even tried the going without, she probably did have a nappy & it was probably wet...
He has done this bore, He LIES, to wind you up & it works.
STOP responding, stop looking at his bullshit messages...
You Grey Rock, in this instance you could say.
Perfect timing, good luck with that
Then report all this to the SS & DV team.

He has done this BEFORE

I think that you need to work with the police, as they are obviously taking this seriously. I say this kindly, but it does seem that you are under reacting to his abuse of you and your daughter. I would note down every incident (throwing a jumper at you is not on and even worse that he did this in front of your daughter).

As @Mix56 says, he lies and his actions are to ensure that your focus is on him.

@helplesshopeless - my DD1 was almost 5 by the time she was dry at night. She was a very heavy sleeper. (Still is, tbh.) We would pick her up and put her on the loo before we went to bed, and she would still wet the bed.
I don’t believe for one second that DD had a dry night. Not with all the changes going on. Not with HIM. He is an abusive, controlling prick. I suspect that you believe his treatment of her is not abusive because it is not as blatant as his abuse of you. The moment this little girl starts expressing opinions of her own or wanting to do things that he doesn’t, it’s all going to go tits up and nobody’s going to be there to see it. What’s more, he’ll make her believe that it’s all her fault. You need to report him.

Urgh, I keep looking at videos of my daughter pre-affair, pre-split etc, and thinking how simple her little life was back then. She loved having us all together. Not sure if this guilt is ever going to get any easier In the meantime though, ive self referred for some nhs 'talking therapy' to tide me over until my finances are more settled, and am looking at doing that freedom programme.

It's good that you're thinking of therapy ,hopefully it's a recognition that the guilt you feel is not something you should be feeling and not your "punishment" for taking solace from someone else when you were in a horrible marriage .

You have extracted your daughter from a situation that would have damaged her ,you have rescued her .There's a reason why children are described as resilient ,she has you ,she will be fine .Truly .

Have you read about Parallel Parenting? Yes, consistency is good for children but it's not the be all and end all to their wellbeing. It's going to be very damaging to your daughter if you go along with letting your STBX control every aspect of raising her in order not to "set him off".

She loved having us all together.

Are you 100% sure you're not projecting onto her your own feelings of a "broken home" being somehow inadequate?

I'm sure she much prefers having a safe home with you! x