Bastard bingo - full house!!

[helplesshopeless]

Hi everyone, just creating a new thread for those interested as my second is nearly full now! I'll link back to the old one once mumsnet's browser is back up and running

I hope you enjoyed your 1st w/e with DD & that your dick STBXH did not bombard you with demands for facetime or other demanding updates.
I hope you aren't too unsettled tomorrow when she is with him ? (Is it tomorrow?)
anyway. KOKO

Had a lovely weekend with my daughter 💕💕 she seems so settled in our new home already and it's in a lovely location so we enjoyed exploring our new surroundings!

I dropped her at nursery this morning and exh has her tonight and tomorrow night (she's at nursery tomorrow as well). She asked me this morning why daddy couldn't just drop her back at my house once he'd picked her up 💔 I miss her so much already but only two sleeps before I get to go and pick her up again!

Oh I meant to thank you for all of your well wishes!! You've all been so supportive

I'm not surprised that she considers you home. DC are very astute!!

He isn't a kind wonderful Daddy far from it and she knows this.

Glad you had a good weekend. Seems your daughter has his number. Hopefully he will tire very quickly of actual parenting and you can have her with you.

So glad itvwent well and she like the house.

This calm environment with be a huge security blanket around her that she can rely on.

He text me last night saying 'she drew a picture for me at nursery of mummy and daddy holding hands walking unto a forest with flowers and love hearts; at least you're happy with your new life you cock sucking pig'

Im not a child psychologist but im desperately hoping that her drawing that picture is a sign of her feeling happy and secure in our love for her, rather than her wishing we were still together...she tells me all her thoughts and she's not expressed anything like that before. Gah 💔

I think maybe you're reading too much into it, if there is even a picture. Maybe you could speak to nursery or school and find out if they could recommend or provide some counselling for your dc if you're worried. My dd's primary school provided someone for my dd to speak to when I divorced my ex.

As for your ex's parting shot, just ignore it... he really is something!

I would take ANYTHING he says with a huge pinch of salt OP.

Checking in with nursery would be a good idea.

Keep his text, a perfect example of his ugliness.

Whatever he says, your daughter will be far better off with you in your calm lovely home than exposed to the constant volatility of your former home.

She will quickly learn her home with you is her safe place.

Well done.
Chin up.

Oh and I would expect these texts from him when he has her, as a deliberate attempt to upset you.

Don't be manipulated by him.

I would want to show that text to her nursery key worker. No doubt he is hamming up the role of brave, sad, abandoned dad to the staff there.

Probably not the right thing to do but hey, you're under no obligation to prop up his outward persona anymore.

Oh I saw her doing the picture in a photo on the nursery app, so it definitely exists! That's the only thing that bothers me, the meaning behind it, I don't care about his vitriol as that's pretty standard now

On the plus side, I checked in at nursery yesterday morning and they said she's her normal happy self and seems completely unphased, so fingers crossed...

Dd seems fine, I would focus on that..
He can drown in his own cess pit of rancour & delusion.
Not your problem, unless he uses it on her.
Keep checking with the nursery.
& I would ask them to relay anything she says that indicates his poisoned words are heard or affecting her.
& definitely indicate to them that he is is very angry & blaming & name calling.

Im not a child psychologist but im desperately hoping that her drawing that picture is a sign of her feeling happy and secure in our love for her, rather than her wishing we were still together

Absolutely.

She's three (four now?) She doesn't understand the concept of an adult relationship. She doesn't understand the concept that you were in a romantic relationship with exH (love hearts), and that's now over, but she wishes it wasn't, and therefore she's representing her longing in artform!!! All of those concepts are far far beyond the cognitive ability of a small child! I think your assessment is right.

But he absolutely knows how to push your buttons doesn't he. Something to consider, if he's continuing with this, is to get a new phone and keep the old number just for him, so you can control when and how you're exposed to his vitriol.

Did the finance deadline go smoothly?

@helplesshopeless

He text me last night saying 'she drew a picture for me at nursery of mummy and daddy holding hands walking unto a forest with flowers and love hearts; at least you're happy with your new life you cock sucking pig'

Im not a child psychologist but im desperately hoping that her drawing that picture is a sign of her feeling happy and secure in our love for her, rather than her wishing we were still together...she tells me all her thoughts and she's not expressed anything like that before. Gah 💔

What a nasty little shit he is.

Screenshot the message.

Email him attaching that screenshot and saying that in the interest of harmonious co-parenting for the sake of dd it would be better if he could stop sending messages like this. Or get your solicitor to do this.

He doesn't like it when he thinks you're keeping a paper trail of his abusive messages, and it might make him stop and think before he sends another one.

Thanks ladies, you've made me feel better. I think because of my guilt over everything and because I know how he operates (he lashes out when he is angry/hurt/upset, and I've caused his upset), I'm just quietly accepting his constant abuse and getting on with it, rather than seeing it for how awful it is.

Re finances @Cavagirl that's all fine, we've officially split financially now and are just finalising the consent order etc. Just hoping the transfer goes through this side of Christmas so I get my lump sum in time to complete on my new house in feb/March!

She doesn't understand the concept of an adult relationship. She doesn't understand the concept that you were in a romantic relationship with exH (love hearts), and that's now over, but she wishes it wasn't, and therefore she's representing her longing in artform!!! All of those concepts are far far beyond the cognitive ability of a small child

Yes, this is what I think too. She's asked a few times why we have two houses now and I've just said that mummy and daddy wanted a house each, and she's accepted that without any further questions.

@FantasticButtocks I have so many screenshots 😂 I intentionally iMessage him now instead of using WhatsApp, as he can delete WhatsApp messages but I don't think he's realised that you can't delete evidence in normal messages...

Yes, this is what I think too. She's asked a few times why we have two houses now and I've just said that mummy and daddy wanted a house each, and she's accepted that without any further questions.

Perfect!

Honestly, you're doing so well, you sound like such a brilliant mum, don't ever let him make you feel like you're not

Thank you so much

I think you should definitely speak to the nursery about his aggressive behaviour with you and ask that they ensure that DD really is okay after being with him, as you have genuine concerns about his stability. Now that you have physically moved out, you are unable to manage what DD sees and hears and you don’t trust that he is either capable or willing to hold back on her behalf.

Just caught up. I'm so pleased you have had a good weekend. I think you've said exactly the right things to your daughter, and as you say, she's happy with secure attachments to you both.

If he chooses to squander that work by being an arse, and the odds are that he will, you can't change that. You can only pick up the pieces.

Incidentally, him being an arse is why you're not with him. The OM is a side show really. That text is appalling.

@Justilou1

I think you should definitely speak to the nursery about his aggressive behaviour with you and ask that they ensure that DD really is okay after being with him, as you have genuine concerns about his stability. Now that you have physically moved out, you are unable to manage what DD sees and hears and you don’t trust that he is either capable or willing to hold back on her behalf.

I agree.

I would show the manager what he sent you and explain that your sole focus is her contentment.

I agree also with @Cavagirl, she is so young and her perspective is very narrow.

As long as you remain as calm as possible in your dealings with him and she only associates anger with Daddy, I think you are onto a winner.

Keep going, you have this.

Just read all three threads and my heart breaks for all the awfulness you've had to fight with while also being really proud of you for making that difficult jump to actually get out!
It's been so clear all the way through that his top priority has been to control you, all these nasty texts are just a toddler tantrum that you're no longer 100% under his foot.

Something I didn't see in the earlier messages about the financial settlement is his pension which if you're married is also part of the "marital assets" and if he's a high earner can be a huge part of it - I've seen many post where the pension value is actually equal to the house value so make sure any financial agreement includes a split of everything you're entitled to for the sake of providing a stable future setup for your daughter if nothing else.

His abuse is unacceptable. Honestly, I know you want a quiet life, but really it is unacceptable. Did you ever get anywhere with reporting his behaviour to the police? I am wondering if there is any comeback at all on sustained verbal abuse. I agree with FantasticButtocks that he should in some way be pulled up on it. Just to be clear, his abuse is awful and unacceptable.