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Original poster

I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

277 replies

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 20:14

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

OP posts:
Nyfluff · 13/08/2021 23:13

"I would tell the mum, not just because she deserves to know, but because it might stop her using a younger, more vulnerable babysitter. If she doesn't know her DH is doing this she might trust him to drive them
Home or whatever."

What this PP said ^. I was the younger teen babysitter for an affluent dad and it was scary. If an older person had known and could've said something it could've helped.

hyperbole001 · 13/08/2021 23:14

I'd message the wife, why not? She needs to know the reason the why you no longer wish to babysit. And she needs to know her husband is a dirty perv

JedEye · 13/08/2021 23:14

What is wrong with these arsehole men? Angry Can they not just be happy with what they have.

annacondom · 13/08/2021 23:15

I completely understand where you're coming from, OP. But I also don't like to think of some other young woman, the next babysitter, being subjected to this. So I would be texting him (not her) - telling him that his behaviour was inappropriate and you won't be babysitting for them any more, and that if you hear the slightest whisper from any other babysitters of such unprofessional texts from him then you will be informing his wife and sending her the proof. Hold your head up - you sound very professional.

annacondom · 13/08/2021 23:16

@Nyfluff

"I would tell the mum, not just because she deserves to know, but because it might stop her using a younger, more vulnerable babysitter. If she doesn't know her DH is doing this she might trust him to drive them Home or whatever."

What this PP said ^. I was the younger teen babysitter for an affluent dad and it was scary. If an older person had known and could've said something it could've helped.

Actually, that is a good point.
Itsbeen84yearss · 13/08/2021 23:22

Not sure why you engaged in 9/10 text message chat with him. That wasn’t wise but he’s the problem here.
I would just say you’re focussing more on your studies and you can only accept work closer to home. Then block. I couldn’t be arsed with the drama. But you wouldn’t be wrong if you informed the wife as well. I just wouldn’t personally

bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 23:26

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. Sleep on it and make a decision in the morning.

Ginger1982 · 13/08/2021 23:31

Easy enough to say you're too busy to babysit but if you then start taking jobs for his friends families, won't that look odd?

Couchbettato · 13/08/2021 23:36

The issue with not telling her is that if she were to find out eventually she'd think you have something to hide.

I would tell her.

And I'd be frank and upfront about it. That was any slander he throws your way is protected by hard evidence.

I would not hide away in this instance. Stand up and fight against workplace sexual harassment.

Overdon · 13/08/2021 23:59

Interesting that your bf wants to know what your going to do about it? I’d be tempted to get him to play the protective bf and for him to tell the wife that you will not be working for them anymore and why. Send evidence, block and move on.
If she knows you’ve been open with bf about the situation it is less likely that the sleaze bag husband can say you were instigating.

Opentooffers · 13/08/2021 23:59

I think it's up to them. I'd of replied simply to the meet at hotel suggestion "no thanks, as that is inappropriate and I'm certainly not Interested".
Then I'd hand my notice in, or just quit. It's tricky as their mother will ask why, some will say you could state " ask your husband" but he could, and will likely make up some bollocks where you come off looking worse.
I get it, reputation is everything, and why should you potentially be dragged into their shit - you shouldn't. So, better to get in first that you have other obligations blah,blah whatever excuse, then leave them to it, it's not your problem to fix.

Eatenpig · 14/08/2021 00:02

@category12

I'd stop sitting for them.

Keep the texts tho,

I wouldn't put it past a guy like this pre-emptively claiming you came onto him and you might end up with the wife having a go at you out of nowhere.

Keep the texts.

This. Big time
a1poshpaws · 14/08/2021 00:04

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?
She probably got it the same way I, another 15 year old school leaver, did - by going to college as an adult for the qualifications needed, then progessing to Uni. I think your implied disbelieve was really hateful.
a1poshpaws · 14/08/2021 00:05
  • Disbelief" not disbelieve.
me4real · 14/08/2021 00:13

The wife should know what she's married to @babysittingNC xx Sad to say, you're presumably not special. He's probably tried it on with other women too at some point.

Do you have a flat or anything, or are you in a shared house?

If you have a space you think suitable, you could show/tell the mum what he's done and then say you're happy to sit them at yours.

a1poshpaws · 14/08/2021 00:14

If I was the Mum, I'd be grateful that you showed me the texts and I wasn't the last one to know, which would be soooo humiliating. If it breaks up her marriage, that gives her a chance to go forwards and hopefully in the future meet somebody who truly cares about and respects her.

Also, as many previous posters have said, you need to protect your reputation - it's not only "a woman scorned" who sets out to destroy the person who rejected them. This guy sounds just the type of pond life who'd try to do just that.

Original poster
babysittingNC · 14/08/2021 00:21

@me4real yes I own my own home but I certainly don't want her here! I can't think of anything worse for her or for me.

I really just want to be done with it now, the easiest way for that to happen is as I stated below.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysittingNC · 14/08/2021 00:23

@me4real I apologise I totally misread your reply. I read it as being the mum to my house and tell all!!

That being said I don't want my house full of kids either Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
babysittingNC · 14/08/2021 00:24

Bring! Not being!

That's it I'm calling it a night, I think I'm losing brain function!

OP posts:
SamiReed1 · 14/08/2021 00:28

You should tell her. What you should do, is print out the messages he has sent to you (with his phone number), and go visit her and say that you can no longer babysit and the reason why is in the note/letter however you present the print-out. Then LEAVE immediately.

Block her and his phone number from your phone before you visit her, that way she nor he can contact you afterwards. That way, she learns the truth, and you don't have to cope with any drama. So your conscience is cleared, and neither can contact you to engage you in drama.

Doublestar · 14/08/2021 00:56

Absolutely tell the wife. If it was me I'd want to know.

Italiangreyhound · 14/08/2021 01:40

This is horrible. Not your fault at all.

Personally, I would tell her.

But my own babysitting experience many years ago was not great with one person, the boss of the lady who came on to me. I didn't tell the mum, but I was quite young (16).

Good luck for the future.

Homebird8 · 14/08/2021 01:49

As a teenager I babysat for a new family to my village with a gorgeous mum, delightful little girl, and very personable dad.

The dad insisted on driving me home a few times (after their night in the village pub once a week). He didn’t do it every time and usually I just walked the 300 yards on my own. In those days it was safe and if my parents had been worried they would have walked up to accompany me. It was hard to say no to the dad even though I was very independent as a 16year old. I did see his wife’s face though and it troubled me as she was so lovely.

Then the babysitting dried up and I wondered for years what I had done wrong (nothing untoward with the dad). Then I heard that they had divorced - villages are like that, you hear things. The story was that when they lived in another country they’d had a babysitter who had been such a part of the family that she had gone on holiday with them. The dad groomed an inappropriate relationship with her and the mum had hoped that the change of country would be a new start.

I always had the feeling that the dad thought he’d make a new start - with me. I wasn’t having any of it but was incredibly vulnerable in hindsight.

I do understand why you want to walk away and put it behind you OP. I just worry, in the light of my own near miss, about someone more vulnerable than you following in your footsteps. I know it’s not women’s responsibility to police men. I feel strongly about that and I’d be torn too. Telling the wife though might be worth more thought. I don’t envy your decision.

SureBorisKnowsWhatHesDoingNOT · 14/08/2021 02:11

The Dad is a class A sleazy arsehole. He's sexually harassed you and lost you a job/income. The consequences for him are zero.
I have to say OP, I think you are wrong to do nothing.

The reason for this is that this is a situation where you could stand up for yourself and any of his potential future victims with relatively little impact on yourself. This isn't like reporting a rape, subjecting yourself to intrusive procedures and going to trial where you have to relive the events giving evidence. In this scenario you can call out his disgusting behaviour, alert his wife to his actions and then quickly remove yourself from the situation by letting the wife know that you will be blocking their numbers afterwards and don't wish to be contacted further. You protect your reputation (from his concocted version of events and also from her perceiving and telling others your are unreliable or unavailable).

Men like him will persist in sexually harassing whilst they get away with it consequence free. You sound like a strong woman, you have identified that is purely his disgusting entitled attitude that has cause this and that you are entirely blameless, you've got the support of your partner, you are in the perfect position to do something and then walk away. A vulnerable younger woman may not be able to do the same and may end up in a terrible situation as a result.

I fully understand your reluctance to incite drama and you are not responsible for his behaviour but the way you are choosing to deal with it means he walks away with no regrets, no consequences and no reason at all not to persist in sexually harassing the next person to fill the role.

I don't know if I'm not supporting the sisterhood with this post. I know you are the victim here and for that I am dreadfully sorry, you should NOT have to put up with this behaviour. If you feel strong enough, please, please do the sisterhood a favour and show him that this casual sexual harassment is not ok, will not be tolerated and will have an impact on him. Send screenshots and a short message to the wife, explain that you have already blocked him and just to draw the incident to a conclusion you will be blocking her number after sending the message.

Wishing you luck whatever you decide.

KingofQueens · 14/08/2021 02:27

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?
This was your main take away from this thread?! Hmm I left school at 15, as did my husband, and quite a few of my friends. I have a degree and 2 Masters.

It's very normal to leave school at 15 if you were born in July or August. Then go on to 6th form college.