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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

277 replies

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 20:14

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 13/08/2021 22:45

I would definitely text HIM back and say it’s completely inappropriate as you work for them and it’s very unprofessional let alone he is married and you have a boyfriend.

Original poster

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 22:46

I think this thread is making me more anxious about it. It's a 50/50 split of contradicting advice. I don't think either option is ideal.

I don't usually put myself first, I'm a bit of a martyr, get it from my mother. I think this time I will though. I'll let her know my uni workload has increased and I'm no longer available for babysitting, it coincides with the new academic year starting so makes sense.

If he spreads some kind of rumour, I doubt he would, I have the compromising texts, then so be it. There are other families. Plus I've got a decade of 5 star reviews online, along with references I can give from other families. I'll be ok.

I really appreciate the support. And sorry for those disappointed I won't be showing the bastard whose boss and ruining his family and career. Well, it wouldn't ruin his career at all would it, it never does.

OP posts:

Gwlondon · 13/08/2021 22:46

It depends how you word it, because if the mum thinks - “why did you take each other’s numbers?” she might be not be happy from the beginning.

Maybe be vague and say that her husband said something inappropriate and you would rather not be around him. Maybe apologise for swapping phone numbers? I can’t decide about that.

Or, you could ask her as other people have mentioned, “do you have trouble keeping babysitters?”. If she does then maybe suggest that her husband is the problem.

Don’t ask her for references. Just focus on other people to baby sit for.

Crikeyalmighty · 13/08/2021 22:46

I think you should forward the text trail OP to the mum— — she may fully know he’s an arse and be looking for proof so she can take him to the cleaners — if she has no idea, then at least she knows now to be looking out for herself —I would most certainly want to know in that position and I think she will ask you— especially if she finds out you are still sitting for other families— I know I would .

Gwlondon · 13/08/2021 22:47

Good luck! Sorry didn’t see your update.

Amandasummers · 13/08/2021 22:47

I’m in the “I’d want to know” camp.

Completely get that you don’t want the drama and are worried it could effect your reputation etc. But I wouldn’t be able to stop myself, I would be mortified if my husband did this

Nevermakeit · 13/08/2021 22:47

I wouldn't actually tell the wife, at this stage, as I think it could turn against you. He will definitely tell her some story about how you initiated this in some way, and even if she doesn't believe it, she will hate you.

I would tell the wife if it was a friend, but this isn't the case, and I think this is their problem to deal with.

I would text him back and tell him in no uncertain terms that this is totally uncalled for and unacceptable, and if he does anything like it again then you will not babysit for him anymore and will have to explain to his wife why not. I reckon that should stop it...

Crikeyalmighty · 13/08/2021 22:49

And can I say I’m so sorry that this arse put you in this position. If his wife does seek you out though for a chat- I do think you should be honest if she's as lovely as you say— you may well be doing her a big favour longer term

thequeenoftarts · 13/08/2021 22:49

@babysittingNC

I think this thread is making me more anxious about it. It's a 50/50 split of contradicting advice. I don't think either option is ideal.

I'm not at all disappointed with your choice if it is in reply to my post, it is your choice but it is how I would deal with it. But I am older and less tolerant these days of fuckwits and chancers. PS he is the one ruining his family and career not you ...This is all down to him, not you

Cherryana · 13/08/2021 22:50

My friend was a nanny for affluent blue blooded types and unfortunately this sort of behaviour was commonplace according to her. She had to leave her job because of what you describe.

Branleuse · 13/08/2021 22:51

Ugh, just dont get involved. Id just say hi, sorry but i dont feel able to babysit for your family anymore.

I wouldnt say anything else unless the woman specifically asked, and then id say that he sent you some inappropriate texts and then propositioned you, and you dont want any drama or to be involved in anyone elses marital games, and that you wish her all the best. Then block

Original poster

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 22:51

I know what you mean about me having his number, but I actually have a lot of the kids dads numbers. Just incase of emergency really. I don't think I've ever had to use them, communication always happens through the mum.

OP posts:

AlmostSummer21 · 13/08/2021 22:52

@SpaceshiptoMars

Show the messages to your father, and ask him to handle it. Men don't mess with women when there's an angry Dad about.

She's 25, not 15. 🙄🙄🙄

Gwlondon · 13/08/2021 22:53

Also -Overall I don’t think you owe her. Only tell her if you want to. If she doesn’t respond in the way you hope she will, you might be disappointed. You could just be really vague but say that something inappropriate has happened.

Original poster

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 22:55

@Queenoftheashes no not aimed at you at all! Just in general.

OP posts:

Gwlondon · 13/08/2021 22:55

I liked what @Branleuse said.

Gwlondon · 13/08/2021 22:56

I am so sorry! I just don’t want you to feel bad about it.

Original poster

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 22:58

@Gwlondon thank you

OP posts:

Pantsomime · 13/08/2021 22:59

Don’t over think it, just block him, tell his wife your circumstances have changed & you can’t babysit anymore. Keep his texts just incase you feel you need to show her, but for now don’t get involved, his morals are not yours to share/ solve just step away from it all

Fiddliestofsticks · 13/08/2021 23:00

@SpaceshiptoMars

Do you not watch the news? A father was stabbed to death for confronting men harassing his daughter outside their home.

What an absolutely nuts comment. Even without that story being in the news this week, it is still totally insane. Are women not capable of telling a sex pest to go fuck himself? You need your dad to look after you, do you?

Way to help women's rights. Hey everyone, women cant do things for themselves. They need an angry dad or boyfriend or brother to help them. Jesus. I thought I had seen the worst of mumsnet... then you post that tripe.

bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 23:01

What a lowlife.

I’d probably make my excuses as well if I’m honest, but it doesn’t feel fair does it.

This is sexual harassment, so sorry OP.

I feel sorry for the next poor babysitter.

thequeenoftarts · 13/08/2021 23:01

[quote babysittingNC]@Queenoftheashes no not aimed at you at all! Just in general.

I think if I was replying to this post I'd also say the wife deserves to know. But when you're actually in the position to tell a woman her husbands done something unforgivable (imo) it feels very different.
[/quote]
I know it is easy for me to say what I would do, can you imagine me kicking him hard in the balls so..payback lol ..Hugs stay safe and be okay xxxx

AlmostSummer21 · 13/08/2021 23:04

@babysittingNC

Perfectly normal to have both parents phone numbers.

I would tell the mum, not just because she deserves to know, but because it might stop her using a younger, more vulnerable babysitter. If she doesn't know her DH is doing this she might trust him to drive them
Home or whatever.

Carboncheque · 13/08/2021 23:05

’Ugh, just dont get involved’

This. You don’t need the drama or your reputation trashing when he (inevitably) makes shit up to defend himself. You’ve got a lot going on and you have to cut back on your babysitting hours.

Original poster

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 23:07

@Queenoftheashes virtual kick in the balls! Hope he feels it

OP posts:

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