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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm the babysitter, the dads been massively inappropriate

277 replies

babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 20:14

Have NC for this just incase it gets picked up.
This is long so I'll summarise incase you're in a rush. The short story is:
I babysit for an affluent family, the dad tried to get me to meet him at a hotel. Wtf do I do?

The long story:
I started to babysit for a new family about 3/4 months ago, since things started to open back up. The mum is lovely and so are the kids, it's a really easy sit and I charge them extra because they're far from me and I'm qualified and experienced and they can afford it. Basically it's a nice little job for me around uni. I tend to communicate with the mum, she'll text me to arrange dates and times etc.

The last time I was here the dad gave me his number and asked that I call him so he has my number just incase I can't get hold of the mum for any reason. Makes total sense, I've done the same with other families too, better to be safe etc.

Then this last time I was there, I arrived on time but the mum was still getting ready and the children were already in bed so I was sat just waiting for them to leave really . The dad came and sat down and was chatting with me, initially it felt normal we were just small talking about the place they were going etc. Then he started to ask more personal questions about me, about my work, study, boyfriend, home etc. It wasn't that weird on paper, but I got weird vibes. It felt odd that he cared so much to ask, if you understand?

Anyway, I did the sit and they came home, the mum was drunk and went straight upstairs and I told the dad that the children had been fine, bla bla all normal stuff. Then he went to hand me the cash, but when I went to take it and say thanks he kept hold of it and gave me a LOOK. A really intense look. It's like he thought this was an intense sexual moment like he was on a film or something? I looked at him like 'eh?' And he laughed and handed the money. It was awkward and strange. I left and he said he'd be in touch. Also weird, because only the mum texts me to arrange sits.

Anyway. Next day I get a text from him in the evening saying 'hiya, you ok?' So immediately I show my boyfriend and told him about the weird feeling I got the night before and he laughed and said omg this is the beginning of a porn film!!! He thinks it's funny! So I replied professionally saying 'hi (name), yes I'm well thank you. Is everything ok?' And he responds just casually as if we're friends chatting. I didn't really reply properly, but I didn't ignore him because I babysit for them! I don't want to be rude or make it weird because I need the money. After about 10 messages getting increasingly flirty he outright asked me to meet him at a hotel about 45 mins away. I've just ignored it. I feel sick.

She is such a lovely mummy, she's beautiful, they have gorgeous (young!) children, a lovely home. He's locally quite well known because of his job, if people found out about this it wouldn't only hurt his family but also his career.

Should I just block his number and tell her I'm not available for babysitting anymore? (Think this is my preferred option)

I obviously can't continue to babysit for them.
Do I tell her? I feel like I'll ruin her life and don't really want to be responsible for that. I also don't need the drama.

OP posts:
GameofPhones · 13/08/2021 21:31

This is definitely sexual harassment which will cause you to lose income. If you have the energy and the time to start a case, I wonder if a solicitor could help? No win no fee basis, of course.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 13/08/2021 21:31

It’s up to you if you want to get involved or not. You don’t owe the Mum or the Sisterhood anything. You didn’t ask for this.
Often situations like this end up getting twisted round and I can understand not wanting drama or any negative repercussions. I’d keep the messages as PP have suggested incase he make any accusations.

TooHotToHoot · 13/08/2021 21:33

@AndAllOurYesterdays

I think you need to control the narrative as much as possible. If you leave without saying why, she will talk to him about it, and he will fill in the blanks, and could say anything about you which could get back to other clients.
This.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/08/2021 21:35

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?
Presumably by gaining qualifications as an adult learner. Plenty of people do so.
Original poster
babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 21:36

Thanks for the kind responses, I initially thought I'd be flamed but I've just re read my own OP and don't see why. I think I was just panicking about it all.

I don't think they've had a string of babysitters, but could me wrong. They've moved here for his job, away from her family who used to help a lot. She told me I was the first childcare they'd had since they moved.

I want to be careful not to say too much but they're now in an area where lots of his friends in the same job live. Men who do this job are notorious for cheating and getting caught with girls. Now he's in a place where all of his mates are are doing it while their wives and girlfriends often stay in their home countries/towns, so he must think he can do the same? Horrible.

I've got screenshots of the messages just in case I need them. I'd only ever show them to her though.

OP posts:
orangejuicer · 13/08/2021 21:37

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?
What a ridiculous question.
Caramellatteplease · 13/08/2021 21:39

Hes clearly a git but did you at any point in the stream of 10 incoming messages suggest that as he is a client you prefer to keep messages purely professional and limited to the needs of the children?

Show the wife by all means, she deserves to know hes a git. But unless that request in sent in the first 3 messages you sent, its doubtful that nattering with her husband is going to seem very professional.

I'd chalk this up to experience.

Fiddliestofsticks · 13/08/2021 21:39

This is really bad. And totally unfair.

I think that if someone has been a regular, long term babysitter for a family and then has to give that role up due to sexual harassment, they should be entitled to claim compensation from the sex pest. It's totally unfair that you lose this income.

I would absolutely tell the wife.

FOJN · 13/08/2021 21:39

I share MushMonster's anger that there are never consequences for sleazy men like this.

I also think you should forward the message to the wife to protect your reputation against any claims he may make if you suddenly stop sitting for them. I would forward the messages, tell her you won't sit for them again and that you will be blocking both numbers after you have sent the message.

You are not obliged to become involved in their drama and it will not be your actions which hurt the wife but her husband's. You do not have to sacrifice income and potentially your reputation because you are sensitive enough to know the truth will cause her pain, that is not your burden to bear.

Zhampagne · 13/08/2021 21:40

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?
www.accesstohe.ac.uk/

Don’t be that person.

over2021 · 13/08/2021 21:40

Is he a footballer?

SunShinesBrightly · 13/08/2021 21:41

Just tell her you are unavailable indefinitely when she next asks.

Original poster
babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 21:42

@VodkaSlimline

How did you get a degree after leaving school at 15?
Left school in year 11 like everyone, my birthdays in the Summer so I turned 16 after I left. Went to college for 2 years, babysitting on the side, then went to uni for 3 years, working part time and babysitting as well, then graduated and worked full time for a few years, still kept up with my regular babysitting families, now I've gone back to uni to do something a bit different and have started babysitting a bit more as I need the money.

I can see why you might be suspicious, but please just report rather than questioning minor details.

OP posts:
Jerima · 13/08/2021 21:44

I'm also concerned that your boyfriend thinks it's funny that you have been sexually harassed at work

MaverickDanger · 13/08/2021 21:44

Just about to ask that @over2021.

I think the previous suggestion of a screenshot with an apology to the wife as to you sending it, but she needs to talk to her husband about why you are no longer available to babysit.

OldScrappyAndHungry · 13/08/2021 21:45

She left school to go to 6th form college like thousands of students do. They do let us into uni after that you know Hmm.

Mischance · 13/08/2021 21:46

I am sorry to hear that you have been the victim of this sleazy git - why do some men think they are irresistible?

I would send the text to the wife along with the message that you will not be babysitting for them in future. Block his number.

MazDazzle · 13/08/2021 21:47

Lots of women on this thread saying they want to know if they were the wife and they’d LTB, but as we see on MN all too often the women rarely kick them out and always give these sneeze balls another chance. Often the more successful/wealthy the man, the less likely the woman is to leave. Marriage is sometimes seen as a status symbol. If his profession allows/encourages cheating then maybe she turns a blind eye.

Don’t get dragged into their marital problems.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2021 21:47

What an arrogant bastard he is. He clearly thought you'd agree, otherwise he wouldn't have put it in writing.

I agree you should tell her. For all you know he's on his last warning with her.

MaverickDanger · 13/08/2021 21:49

God forbid anyone have an August birthday Hmm

2bazookas · 13/08/2021 21:51

Tell her why you won't be babysitting any more, because her husband has propositioned you to meet him in a hotel

Abi86 · 13/08/2021 21:52

I believe you. You did nothing wrong. He acted totally inappropriately.

He deserves consequences. She deserves to know.

Original poster
babysittingNC · 13/08/2021 21:53

My DP is lovely, I think he just found the way I described him handing over the money quite amusing.

He was much less enthused about the subsequent messages that came. He's actually quite angry about it and wants me to do 'something' about it.

To the pp telling me to tell my dad! I'm 25 and my dad is quite old, I'd be absolutely mortified!

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 13/08/2021 21:54

I think people are taking the wrong tack here. This is a woman harassed at a place of work and people are telling her to keep schtum and just leave without explanation.

I think she absolutely needs to forward the screenshots to the wife. Men who are scorned can be vindictive and if OP keeps her powder dry until he's already concocted his web of lies it will just look like she's used computer trickery to fabricate the messages.

And let's face it, odds are the guy will tell his wife that OP came onto him so he'd told her she wouldn't be able to continue to work for them. No doubt OP begged him not to tell his wife so she could just quit and he initially agreed but then couldn't stand the lying...

No, get in there first, OP.

Mandalay246 · 13/08/2021 21:54

I would say I am no longer available to babysit for them and block his number. I wouldn't tell the wife but maybe keep the texts just in case they are needed at some stage.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP.

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