Dating - are my expectations too old fashioned?

[alexa677]

So went for a first date on Wednesday night. Had a nice time, no massive initial sparks but he seemed nice and we had loads in common so I thought it would be nice to get to know him.

He text me later that afternoon to say he had a nice time and then later that night asked me out again. I said yes and he asked when suited me so we're going out on Sunday.

I thought him texting the same day after the date and arranging a date the same day for the first day I was free was a good sign but arranging it has been like drawing teeth!

This is the bit I don't know if it's old fashioned....I'm very independent, been single mum a while, got a good career, very self sufficient but when it comes to dating I like the guy to take charge but in my recent experience guys seem to be leaving it more and more to me. I'm not sure if it's lack of interest, laziness, or them trying to make sure they're doing something we want to do......

Today's conversation:

Him: so what do you fancy doing on Sunday?
Me: the weather doesn't look great and I need to be back for DD but we could go for lunch?
Him: sure, where do you fancy?
Me: I don't mind, do you want to stay local (we live very close to each other) or go into the city?
Him: I honestly dont mind
Me: okay, well if we go local xx is nice, or we could make a day of it and go into the city
Him: oh I've heard that place is nice but they don't take bookings
Me: okay, let's go into city. What kind of food do you like?
Him: anything

🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I totally understand I'm not being decisive either but is it wrong in 2021 for a guy to say. I'd like to take you out to xx is that ok? Ok, ive booked a table for x time

A bit more context. He's early 40s & split from ex wife a year ago after 18 years so don't think he has much dating experience and seemed a bit nervous!

His response appears to be an utter transfer of responsibility. Don't go with it. Tell him 'City it is, the only food I don't like is X, I need to be back by X and can join you at X time. Go on and surprise me with your booking and choice.'

He's trying to be considerate and let you lead? HE also did start the conversation by asking what do you want to do and you completely deflected the question! I wouldn't be writing him off as a nob just yet, maybe be more decisive yourself?

are you also ‘old fashioned’ re paying for dates? As in, do you expect him to pay for you every time? Did he pay last time?

Maybe he’s being noncommittal because he’s hoping you’ll step up and get this one?

Just a thought.

You’re both being indecisive really

Thanks both!

I actually don't think he's a nob at all, he actually seems really nice.

It's just made me realise that there seems to have been a pattern recently in men seeming to want the woman to take the lead. I can see the argument of being considerate but there's something I like about a man take control of these things and knowing what he wants! Now

I'm wondering if that's an old fashioned view/preference I have (especially given how independent I am) or if this would frustrate other people too?

@ShitShop

are you also ‘old fashioned’ re paying for dates? As in, do you expect him to pay for you every time? Did he pay last time?

Maybe he’s being noncommittal because he’s hoping you’ll step up and get this one?

Just a thought.

Lol do not listen to this

The man is not a princess

I’d hate this. Most dates I’ve been on they just suggest a few places half way and then I would pick one. Agree with @myrtlehuckingfuge respond something like that

Sounds like two ppl who both can't make a decision

@ShitShop

are you also ‘old fashioned’ re paying for dates? As in, do you expect him to pay for you every time? Did he pay last time?

Maybe he’s being noncommittal because he’s hoping you’ll step up and get this one?

Just a thought.

I full expect to pay the full bill this time. The first time I offered to split and he insisted on paying so I let him. Usually if that happens when I start dating someone I'll pay the next time (or at least very strongly offer to)

If you put yourself in a blokes shoes we love slagging them off for dictating everything or dragging us to terrible places, I rarely hear Men complaining about the venue of a date because they don't seem to care quite as much.

'Surprise me' must be terrifying words to hear for a bloke who doesn't know you yet, it sounds like a test!

If you tolerate men who are nonplussed, unengaged and not worried about impressing you….and expecting you to take the lead- you might get a relationship out of it…

But it will be the type of relationship where you have to remind him about Valentine’s Day, harass him about anniversaries and plan every holiday and ‘date night’.

Men who are interested in a woman will want to court her.

Keep your standards high OP

The whole conversation is drab to be honest - both as bad as each other. When he asked the first question, you could just say “let’s go for lunch in the city. I’ll be free from X time. Let me know when and where.” Done.

@essentialhealing

Sounds like two ppl who both can't make a decision

I understand I'm being like this! It's not like me in other aspects of my life and if I was meeting friends or family I'd be happy to suggest somewhere.

There's just something about dating that makes me feel like the man should be taking charge! That's why I was wondering if it's me being old fashioned or if other women would feel the same

How about you arrange this one and if there is another, tell him you're happy for him to organise something.

Did he ‘take charge’ on the first date? If so I would be happy to make the suggestions this time. If he was the same for the first date you need to decide if you can put up with this in future.

I think he’s just trying to be accommodating at this stage. You need to work out if his ‘I don’t mind’ means he genuinely doesn’t mind, or if he’s saying that but does have preferences, in which case that would be very annoying. But at this stage I’d assume he’s being nice and letting you choose, which I suppose some people might view as more ‘gentlemanly’ or old-fashioned?

He might genuinely not mind.

I don’t mind someone suggesting somewhere and seeing what I think but I don’t like a man to ‘take charge’ when we’ve only just met and thinking about it, yes it’s a bit old fashioned.

Yes you are being old fashioned.

@alexa677 I feel exactly the same as you. I don’t make concessions for or pamper men I don’t know. (Well, I didn’t, when I was single)

I’m busy. My time is precious. Why would I want to run around after someone who has lost interest in impressing me or planning nice activities for us after one date?

Hmm I wouldn’t see anything wrong with what he said! He’s trying to please you. He wants you to choose. I don’t see what’s wrong with that?

You’re as bad as him.

Thanks everyone! Even the responses on this are so split and that's my dilemma!

I'll suggest and book something this time. He's not really dated in almost 20 years so I guess he deserves some slack!

Yes I think you are being old fashioned, and I’m old.

I think he is try be accommodating for 2nd date, and trying to ensure it’s something you will like and not just picking something at random.

I think you're being as indecisive as he is. There's no reason that he should take control. Why should he? From this conversation, he's entitled to think "why won't she just suggest somewhere" too.

But if you're looking for the kind of man who would just be more decisive, then maybe you need someone with a different kind of personality.