Dating - are my expectations too old fashioned?

[alexa677]

So went for a first date on Wednesday night. Had a nice time, no massive initial sparks but he seemed nice and we had loads in common so I thought it would be nice to get to know him.

He text me later that afternoon to say he had a nice time and then later that night asked me out again. I said yes and he asked when suited me so we're going out on Sunday.

I thought him texting the same day after the date and arranging a date the same day for the first day I was free was a good sign but arranging it has been like drawing teeth!

This is the bit I don't know if it's old fashioned....I'm very independent, been single mum a while, got a good career, very self sufficient but when it comes to dating I like the guy to take charge but in my recent experience guys seem to be leaving it more and more to me. I'm not sure if it's lack of interest, laziness, or them trying to make sure they're doing something we want to do......

Today's conversation:

Him: so what do you fancy doing on Sunday?
Me: the weather doesn't look great and I need to be back for DD but we could go for lunch?
Him: sure, where do you fancy?
Me: I don't mind, do you want to stay local (we live very close to each other) or go into the city?
Him: I honestly dont mind
Me: okay, well if we go local xx is nice, or we could make a day of it and go into the city
Him: oh I've heard that place is nice but they don't take bookings
Me: okay, let's go into city. What kind of food do you like?
Him: anything

🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I totally understand I'm not being decisive either but is it wrong in 2021 for a guy to say. I'd like to take you out to xx is that ok? Ok, ive booked a table for x time

This wouldn’t work for me. ‘I don’t mind’ basically suggests someone who can’t be bothered to make a decision and deal with the consequences, so lies low and bleats ‘I don’t mind, I honestly don’t mind’ and thinks they’re flying under the radar. In my experience it leads to unhappy lives on someone else’s terms (they go along with anything because ‘I don’t mind’), followed by resentment (‘Having children was your idea!’) a d spectacularly messy break-ups.

So I've just suggested somewhere and he's replied straight away offered to pick me up (I know it's only a second date but cos we live in a small town we know a few of the same people so it feels safe!)

Maybe he was just being considerate. I guess my views are a bit dated but in the past it's usually been a sign of interest of a man was keen to organise something

Doesn't sound odd to me tbh.

My husband always said 'don't mind' as his parents had always taught him it was rude to be too definite about your wishes and that the woman should choose once you'd asked her. I informed him loudly that in my family it was considered rude to put the work all on the other person and i preferred him to say 'well I don't mind but X is nice' if he wanted to date me.

On the positive side, if he genuinely doesn't mind, you get to choose. See how he reacts. At least he's not insisting he will only eat Burger King or whatever.

My conversations with H are all a bit like this - sounds normal to me, especially if he’s out of dating practice

@alexa677

So I've just suggested somewhere and he's replied straight away offered to pick me up (I know it's only a second date but cos we live in a small town we know a few of the same people so it feels safe!)

Maybe he was just being considerate. I guess my views are a bit dated but in the past it's usually been a sign of interest of a man was keen to organise something

It is a sign of interest, and the fact that he listens to your hobbies/has read your profile. Please don’t let pp’s lack of expectations deter you from that.

I have had restaurants booked for me without suggesting it because they have listened to me enjoying that cuisine, jazz club tickets bought because on my OLD profile it says I like live music, botanical gardens walk planned because on our 1st date I showed I like plants by gushing over a particularly beautiful bouquet that was on the table…etc.

Keep an eye, I’m aware I am harsher than most, but if you do like him, hopefully this is just him having an off day and he isn’t completely passive.

@myrtlehuckingfuge

His response appears to be an utter transfer of responsibility. Don't go with it. Tell him 'City it is, the only food I don't like is X, I need to be back by X and can join you at X time. Go on and surprise me with your booking and choice.'

Perfect response. Put it back on him.

Hopefully he pays 😁

See if someone said to me what @myrtlehuckingfuge suggested - as in “I need to be back by xxx, I like xxxxx, surprise me” I’d find that very pushy and off putting. I guess this thread shows how different we all are!

@Littlemissnc

Hopefully he pays 😁

He paid for the 1st date so I'm happy to pay this time. To me it's more about interest/effort.

I think I was being too harsh tho. Since I've suggested somewhere he's called and booked a table and offered to pick me up. If we go out again I'll say it's his turn to decide!

I think he sounds good! Seems to me he just wanted to ensure it was a date you wanted to do. I think yea say to him next time he chooses and take it from there. Have fun!

@Bagelsandbrie

See if someone said to me what *@myrtlehuckingfuge* suggested - as in “I need to be back by xxx, I like xxxxx, surprise me” I’d find that very pushy and off putting. I guess this thread shows how different we all are!

Absolutely. The “surprise me” command would really grate on me and I would probably decline to meet again.

I don't think it matters how you label it; you're being you, and you're wanting what you want.

If you want a happy relationship, learn to say what you want:

Him: so what do you fancy doing on Sunday?
Me: the weather doesn't look great and I need to be back for DD but we could go for lunch?
Him: sure, where do you fancy?
Me: I'd like you to choose somewhere, to be honest! But I don't like x/y/z sort of food/ x/y/z area/ anywhere too expensive etc.

Offer to pay but he might pay if he’s a gent. I think if someone likes you it makes them feel good paying for first few dates. I always start paying equally after about date 3.

I think it’s very promising he’s booked a table and is driving you too , he’s keen 🥰

@sammylady37

But men and women don’t date the same. If a man said ‘surprise me’ to me, I’d block him too.

A bloke who is interested in, and attracted to a woman, will not be put off by a coy “surprise me” . He’ll want to.

If a man finds that flirty “surprise me” pushy, you can guarantee that he won’t send you flowers on Valentine’s Day or arrange dinner reservation on your anniversary. He’ll probably think expectations of that are “demanding.”

To be honest you do sound quite old-fashioned but I'm glad to see that it is sorted now. Best of luck with it all op.

[quote Suprima]@sammylady37

But men and women don’t date the same. If a man said ‘surprise me’ to me, I’d block him too.

A bloke who is interested in, and attracted to a woman, will not be put off by a coy “surprise me” . He’ll want to.

If a man finds that flirty “surprise me” pushy, you can guarantee that he won’t send you flowers on Valentine’s Day or arrange dinner reservation on your anniversary. He’ll probably think expectations of that are “demanding.”[/quote]
You sound like something out of the 1950s Suprima.

I hate to date someone who takes control and picks everything, I’d much rather be asked for my preferences then I don’t end up somewhere I don’t like or don’t enjoy the food at. Both people’s views should count, not just one.

He doesn't really know you so I suspect he doesn't want to surprise you with something you hate. Perhaps once he knows more about you he'll be more ready to surprise.

And why is that?

I am a twenty something radical feminist. I have a completely equal share of labour at home, despite the fact that due to my chosen career path I will always earn 20% of what he does. My opinion is valued, I am an equal partner, I put my hand in my pocket where is equitable and fair. But I have treats and dates and I feel so very loved too. This was the relationship I wanted. If I didn’t have near-perfection, I would rather be single with cats and lots of books

But I believe women should be absolutely treasured when dating and men should show their interest and intent. Online dating is riskier for women, the expectations higher, the amount of scumbags trying to con women into situationships or overstep their boundaries. Our time is precious, many women have children, caring responsibilities, demanding jobs- and we are so much more ‘in demand’ than men when online dating.

Why on earth shouldn’t they have high expectations? And weed out the absolutely best men who value them and care for them and romance them and enhance their lives?

There is nothing wrong or backwards about having high standards.

It’s patriarchy who wants you to think that you are demanding or pushy or an entitled bitch if you don’t accept low effort men.

[quote Suprima]@sammylady37

But men and women don’t date the same. If a man said ‘surprise me’ to me, I’d block him too.

A bloke who is interested in, and attracted to a woman, will not be put off by a coy “surprise me” . He’ll want to.

If a man finds that flirty “surprise me” pushy, you can guarantee that he won’t send you flowers on Valentine’s Day or arrange dinner reservation on your anniversary. He’ll probably think expectations of that are “demanding.”[/quote]
Crikey. I disagree that this wouldn’t put off otherwise interested men. A man may not consider it coy. He may well view it as highly irritating, a sign of someone who won’t make a decision and will simper such inanities while putting all the decision-making responsibility on him, or a sign of someone who is a princess and thinks he should treat her as such.

@sammylady37

I’m not asking for him to whisk her to Sardinia on their 2nd date and plan a candlelit dinner on the beach and a flashmob

It’s simply listening to when she said ‘I like Korean food’ or ‘I studied history at university’, and booking some bloody museum tickets or taking her out for Korean fried chicken and karaoke.

It’s about interest - not demanding a man puts you on a pedestal and treats you like a princess! What a strange way to read into it!

And if a man likes a woman- he will WANT to surprise her with a nice date. And man who would be put off by that is not a man worth spending time on. There are better ones out there.

I think men shoud take the lead. Note, not control. As in...I know this quirky Italian that serves amazing x...fancy that? And then we can go for a walk along [insert cute walk]....

Fuck I'm old fashioned aren't I? Soz 😊

I would love this as I'd get to choose exactly where I wanted!
Just get him to choose next time? Maybe if it's your turn to pay he doesn't want to pick somewhere expensive?
Have fun op.

I honestly think hes just trying to ensure he takes you somewhere you like and are comfortable with. Relax and enjoy

Well if the assumption is that you’ll be paying since he got the last one, then maybe he wanted you to choose so it’s at a price point that you’re comfortable with; I think that’s considerate. It’s a bit cheeky fuckerish to dictate plans if someone else is paying (& if it was me, I absolutely would expect the other person to pay if I picked up the bill on the last one).

Obviously he’s interested as he’s been proactive by asking you out again & then taking the lead by booking the table / arranging to pick you up.