Ghosted by friend/colleague

[pascheretloire]

I've been friends with a woman at work for about four years. Good friends, or so I thought. She is funny, kind, just lovely.

A couple of months ago she said she was moving to a city about an hour from where we both live, to live with her boyfriend. I've only met her boyfriend a couple of times, and he seemed very nice. I was happy for her, albeit a little sad at losing a friend and ally at work. She handed in her notice, we went for drinks and a meal for her leaving do, and a month ago, she moved.

We usually text quite a lot, but I didn't think anything of it when she hadn't at first, as I know how busy and stressful moving house is. However, when I hadn't heard from her for over a fortnight, I rang her. Only to find that her number is not in use. Strange, I think, so try messaging her on Facebook, but she appears to have deleted her account (not blocked, I checked). Her Instagram is also gone. I then started to worry, and checked out the new address she's given me, and it doesn't exist.

I'm really worried. It's just so unlike her to do something like this. And I have no way at all of contacting her. I've actually cried at the thought of losing a friend like this, but also worrying that she is maybe being controlled by her boyfriend. She has an unusual name, but absolutely nothing is showing up on anywhere like LinkedIn, it's as if she's vanished off the face of the earth, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, or have any advice?

Work-originated friendships often end when people no longer work together. It's normal, even if you became outside of work friends.

Let her be. It almost sounds like you are stalking her. If she wanted to reach out to you, she would.

Goodness, that sounds very very odd.

Do you have any mutual friends that you can contact?

@Sadiecow a few via work, and I knew the first names of some of her friends and boyfriend, but don't know their last names. It is very odd.

@pascheretloire I'm not sure it's ghosting you, she seems to have "disappeared". If it was you, surely she'd just block you on stuff?

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders I don't think it's stalking to be worried. She'd talked about meeting up in her new city when she got settled - there was absolutely no indication that she didn't intend to continue the friendship. It just seems so brutal and out of character.

@Sadiecow yes, I would be hurt if she'd blocked me, but I'd accept it. This seems more like a disappearance.

@pascheretloire can you contact other mutual friends, to do a sort of welfare check?

I'm going to do that this week. I was closest to her out of my work colleagues, but I know some of them were Facebook friends with her too.

Do you know where her new job is?

@PragmaticWench

Do you know where her new job is?

Good idea!

That seems a little strange, not usual ghosting behaviour unless she was actually just tolerating you and then has blocked you on everything.... seems unlikely though!

Can you ask around at work in a non-committal way and see if anyone else has spoken to her?

@Sadiecow also, she left without having a new job to go to. She mentioned possibly doing a university course, but was planning to take a couple of months off to consider her next steps. Neither of us are youngsters, she's in her late 30s (no kids by choice) and I'm in my early 40s.

It sounds nothing like you’re stalking her - she’s your friend and you’re trying to make contact with her. I’d second trying to find out about her from a friend. I guess if she has cut herself off from you there may be nothing you can do, but it sounds like she’s worth a bit of effort.

@cricketmum84 I suppose that is possible, but she was a bloody good actor if so! She's one of those few people that I just clicked with instantly. Which is why it's so baffling.

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Work-originated friendships often end when people no longer work together. It's normal, even if you became outside of work friends.

Let her be. It almost sounds like you are stalking her. If she wanted to reach out to you, she would.

Did you read the Op? This is hardly the typical friend moves away scenario!

The key here is that she gave you an address that doesn't exist. To me that showed she has intentionally (for whatever reason) decided to cut her ties.

I'd leave this be.

@pasadeda it does seem deliberate. I'm wracking my brains to try and think of anything unusual in her behaviour before she left, but she was just happy to be moving in with her boyfriend, and looking forward to me visiting her in her new home in her new city. It's very unsettling to think that this was all a lie.

This is odd! Had her behaviour changed when she met her boyfriend?

@sunnydays78 I don't think so - they've been living in different places for the duration of their relationship (about 18 months), but she seemed happy with him.

She could have been given that address and not realised it didn't exist.

This is so strange that I would ask the police to do a welfare check. She could have been trafficked.

What does her boyfriend do. Does he have family in an area you know of?

@hehehhehe He runs his own business. Heavily into motorcycles.

If he runs his own business, are there records online for his real residence? I'm glad he has a presence so he's traceable even if she's not. That would allow a welfare check.

@hehehhehe Unfortunately I can't remember his surname. I'm not sure I ever knew it actually!

Having just read a John le Carre spy novel (the night manager) I think she is a spy, setting up a trail of fake lives. I could be wrong. Hope she’s ok, it is odd.