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Original poster

Ghosted by friend/colleague

147 replies

pascheretloire · 08/08/2021 16:01

I've been friends with a woman at work for about four years. Good friends, or so I thought. She is funny, kind, just lovely.

A couple of months ago she said she was moving to a city about an hour from where we both live, to live with her boyfriend. I've only met her boyfriend a couple of times, and he seemed very nice. I was happy for her, albeit a little sad at losing a friend and ally at work. She handed in her notice, we went for drinks and a meal for her leaving do, and a month ago, she moved.

We usually text quite a lot, but I didn't think anything of it when she hadn't at first, as I know how busy and stressful moving house is. However, when I hadn't heard from her for over a fortnight, I rang her. Only to find that her number is not in use. Strange, I think, so try messaging her on Facebook, but she appears to have deleted her account (not blocked, I checked). Her Instagram is also gone. I then started to worry, and checked out the new address she's given me, and it doesn't exist.

I'm really worried. It's just so unlike her to do something like this. And I have no way at all of contacting her. I've actually cried at the thought of losing a friend like this, but also worrying that she is maybe being controlled by her boyfriend. She has an unusual name, but absolutely nothing is showing up on anywhere like LinkedIn, it's as if she's vanished off the face of the earth, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, or have any advice?

OP posts:
Chilldonaldchill · 08/08/2021 23:17

30 years ago a group of us were friends with someone - we were genuinely good friends. She moved cities and (this was before mobile phones etc) would occasionally pop down to see us all (some people would write letters to him but she was never a letter writer herself). Long story short, gradually we lost touch. About 4 years later the person who had been closest to her got a call from her brother asking if they were real. It turned out that every single thing she had ever told us (other than the city in which she had grown up) was a lie - including the city she had moved on to, the job she had gone to get... Everything.
She had moved from place to place when her lies seemed to be able to catch up with her.
Tragically she had told her family lots of lies too and when they found out she killed herself.
We were young and naive but, even with that, there were relatively few red flags to see at the time. She was a genuinely nice person day to day but clearly had a lot of issues that we had no idea about.
I wonder if your friend could be similar?

Original poster
pascheretloire · 08/08/2021 23:17

@Haffiana I'm tempted to say that's really insensitive, but writing the whole situation down, and people's suggestions of spies, witness protection and undercover operations have reminded me of books by authors such as Shari Lapena, Rachel Abbott and Mark Edwards. The whole situation is so bizarre that if I read it in a book, I'd find it a bit far fetched.

OP posts:
Original poster
pascheretloire · 08/08/2021 23:25

@Haffiana Actually, calling this distressing situation "amazing" is staggeringly insensitive. My life and that of my friend are not some sensational fiction plot.

OP posts:
UnsolicitedDickPic · 08/08/2021 23:26

I had a uni friend that I was really very close to, and when she travelled to the States after graduation I stayed in touch, despite it being quite difficult - mobile phones were a thing but we didn't own one, we wrote quite a few times, talked on the landline. Then 9/11 happened and she just disappeared. I did speak to her once or twice in the immediate aftermath (she wasn't in one of the directly affected areas) so I know she was alive and well. But she just stopped being in contact.

A few years ago a member of our friendship group bumped into her, quite by chance, in a bar in a major city in the U.K. By all accounts they had a great evening, they exchanged mobile numbers and she promised to stay in touch. Turns out the mobile number she gave was fake - and once again, she disappeared.

I've often wondered what happened to her; whether she experienced some horrible trauma, or whether being in the States during 9/11 triggered a mental health crisis. Sometimes a member of our group will say "I wonder what happened to X?" But we've got no idea, and almost certainly never will.

Original poster
pascheretloire · 08/08/2021 23:27

@Chilldonaldchill That is so sad. For her family, and you, her former friends.

OP posts:
yellowsofa · 08/08/2021 23:31

She has probably arranged for her mail from the house she has just sold to be forwarded to her. Write to her at that address and hopefully they'll be some response
Or maybe the new buyers have a forwarding address?
Estate agents? Removals company?

Clearthinking · 08/08/2021 23:32

Very odd but might have just cut ties with everything and everyone from her old city/job/life. Had a really good mate from work but we just sent the odd like on facebook after she left and that was it. Bloody loved her. Mums mates did the same thing when she retired, send the odd card but they never missed a birthday or anything in her little group but none of them do anything now. So sad its a little heart breaking x

yellowsofa · 08/08/2021 23:34

And I want to add how sad this is.
You are obviously good friends.
I hope you find her, I'd be so concerned if this happened to a friend.

Original poster
pascheretloire · 08/08/2021 23:41

@yellowsofa thank you.

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 08/08/2021 23:51

I think I'd ask colleagues and then I'd probably go to the police. There's just no way she'd find it necessary to give you a fake address in advance of leaving surely? She'd say I'm going to send change of address cards or I'll let you know my address once I've moved etc.

WolfFleeceSpotter · 08/08/2021 23:57

Sorry to read this op, how baffling.

Surely WP needs to be done quickly, without any leaving dos?

I don’t think you’re over reacting to go to the police to request a welfare check.

Hoping you get some resolution and all is well.

Original poster
pascheretloire · 09/08/2021 00:00

@WolfFleeceSpotter What's WP?

OP posts:
WolfFleeceSpotter · 09/08/2021 00:04

WP = Witness Protection. If there was a genuine threat that she qualified, there wouldn’t be a leaving do.

sunnymoo · 09/08/2021 00:08

as someone said a few posts back, sending a card to her old address is a really good idea, it may be forwarded to her new address

Firstbaby2022 · 09/08/2021 00:19

Wow this story is crazy.
Also the replies on here are crazy too as it appears they haven’t read your post. She hasn’t ghosted you, she’s not blocked you, she’s not ended your friendship, she has vanished like you say.
You probably are humming and harring about ringing the police as she probably is ok. But there’s a chance she isn’t, so just do it anyway, I’d want someone to do that for me. I’m sorry this has happened to you, it’s a sad story!

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 09/08/2021 00:27

What did her Mother say? Is she concerned?

MumofSpud · 09/08/2021 00:33

I had a work colleague who I also used to give a lift to and from work so 08:30-6.00 Monday to Friday I would be sitting next to her.
For 1 year she talked to me - ALL day - there wasn't a single bit of her life that I didn't know about.
Then lockdown happened, WFH then furlough and ultimately redundancy for me.
And that was that - no contact from her.
Some people are v good at compartmentalising their lives and when something like a job finishes they also end all work relationships ??

SaharaFlower · 09/08/2021 00:57

@pascheretloire: My mum isn't alive now, that is why this subject worries me.

Original poster
pascheretloire · 09/08/2021 01:01

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders I have no way of contacting her mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
pascheretloire · 09/08/2021 01:02

@SaharaFlower I'm sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
SaharaFlower · 09/08/2021 01:20

@pascheretloire: Thank you for the concern. It is worrying, it's unlikely though.

tartantroosers · 09/08/2021 01:48

Maybe giving you the fake address was some kind of silent tip off?

cherieamore · 09/08/2021 01:49

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through this, it all sounds so strange and unsettling.

One thing I wanted to ask, you mentioned that you previously had her on FB and that she had quite an unusual name. I know you said that her mother/family live abroad, did she ever tag any of them in her posts or refer to them on social media at all? If you could remember any names you could look them up? If she never tagged any relatives or close friends or referred to them online it makes the whole thing seem even stranger IMO.
Hope you are able to track her down and everything turns out to be okay, I think she’s lucky to have a lovely friend looking out for her like you are.

IdblowJonSnow · 09/08/2021 02:08

I'd call the police too for a welfare check - I do have a very active imagination though... Blush

Hope you get an answer. If she has ditched you like this then it's very cruel.

ForeverInADay · 09/08/2021 02:28

Did she offer her new address or did you ask?

I think that is quite important

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