Ghosted by friend/colleague

[pascheretloire]

I've been friends with a woman at work for about four years. Good friends, or so I thought. She is funny, kind, just lovely.

A couple of months ago she said she was moving to a city about an hour from where we both live, to live with her boyfriend. I've only met her boyfriend a couple of times, and he seemed very nice. I was happy for her, albeit a little sad at losing a friend and ally at work. She handed in her notice, we went for drinks and a meal for her leaving do, and a month ago, she moved.

We usually text quite a lot, but I didn't think anything of it when she hadn't at first, as I know how busy and stressful moving house is. However, when I hadn't heard from her for over a fortnight, I rang her. Only to find that her number is not in use. Strange, I think, so try messaging her on Facebook, but she appears to have deleted her account (not blocked, I checked). Her Instagram is also gone. I then started to worry, and checked out the new address she's given me, and it doesn't exist.

I'm really worried. It's just so unlike her to do something like this. And I have no way at all of contacting her. I've actually cried at the thought of losing a friend like this, but also worrying that she is maybe being controlled by her boyfriend. She has an unusual name, but absolutely nothing is showing up on anywhere like LinkedIn, it's as if she's vanished off the face of the earth, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this, or have any advice?

I don’t think this is normal ghosting behaviour, very mysterious. The boyfriends business sounds like the best lead. It’s like she has run away.

One thought occurred to me, the extreme cutting of all ties, it’s like she wants to be untraceable, could she have been seriously in debt? Although my initial thought was controlling bf.
I understand it must be upsetting, did she ever strike you as being duplicitous towards others? Or were there occasions/ situations that she was secretive about?

@Overdon I don't think she was in debt. She is very unmaterialistic, but I gather she comes from a wealthy family. (Her mother and stepfather live abroad, and she had a rather distant relationship with her father). I do know she inherited quite a substantial amount from her grandparents, which was part of the reason she could afford to leave her job without having anything else definite lined up.

What about her family or her past? Didn’t you ever talk about those things?

Sounds like she was a spy of some kind!

Aha cross posts.. The family being abroad and wealthy grandparents backstory would definitely support the idea of her being some sort of spy or witness protection perhaps.

@Cockenspiel She did talk about her family a bit - she grew up in quite a small community, (miles away from here or her new city) but her parents no longer live there.

Sounds like she's done a bunk. I wouldn't take it personally, she probably has her reasons.

Maybe she is in a dv situation. The boyfriend may not know where she is. She may be in a witness protection thing?

Could she have inherited an absolutely huge amount of money and not want to tell anybody? It does sound as if she wants to make a totally fresh start.

Wow this is really weird. Why go to the bother of providing a fake address if she wanted to disappear? You’d just avoid giving it/say you’ve not got anywhere permanent or whatever surely? I’d be worried, really worried, and I don’t think your actions are stalkerish at all! I’d be doing the same to be honest!! X

Could she have split with the boyfriend and had to change her number and leave social media as he was scaring her???

@ScribblingPixie the inheritance wasn't recent - her grandparents died about 20 years ago.

People do choose to disappear for very good reasons.

Witness protection

Obvious I know but have you tried making a fake account in a different name on Facebook to search for her? If she suddenly shows up it looks like she's blocked you, but definitely check with her other Facebook contacts.

My mind is working overtime now - imagining all sorts, like the plot of a psychological thriller! I'm wondering if I should enquire with the police?

As strange as the circumstances are you may need to accept that she doesn’t want contact with you.

It may also be possible that she didnt value your friendship as much as you.

If she was not the friend you thought she was, I think your work colleagues would probably know. I wonder if there's a way you can find out if (unlikely) they knew she was bearing with you, rather than enjoying the friendship. I think they'd put you off worrying about it if that was the case.

The inheritance story seems quite romanticised, a bit like a story that someone who periodically re-invented themselves (and probably had a personality disorder) would tell. If she's cut you off, it seems highly likely that it's all about her and not about you. Perhaps she just can't stand sustained periods of closeness and perhaps she has her own demons.

However, in today's world, I would put all that to one side and establish whether she has been trafficked. It's a real concern. The police don't have to tell you where she is, just that she is ok. You can't just let this go.

@pascheretloire

My mind is working overtime now - imagining all sorts, like the plot of a psychological thriller! I'm wondering if I should enquire with the police?

No, you should not.

If she's ghosted you, it's because she wants to.

If she's done a bunk, it's because she needs to.

Let it be.

@Notnowkate I've already done that. The account is definitely gone, not blocked.

@hehehhehe Colleagues have actually remarked how much we'll miss each other. It really was such an easy friendship, which is why this is such a shock.

Can you check the electoral roll? May throw something up. I would be worried about her too. It is not a normal thing to do.

And you sound very sensible, not at all stalkerish. I'm sure you will accept it gracefully if the police tell you she is well but doesn't want to be 'found'.

Anyone telling you to shrug your shoulders is a little naïve about what can happen to women, especially isolated women. When she gave you that address, had she known it was fake, she would have known you could find that out on Google maps before she vanished. For someone who has apparently put effort into a surprise disappearance, that would be sloppy. Which makes me wonder if she was given the address and trustingly accepted it for herself and for giving out to friends. Why didn't she Google it herself, if she hadn't been there before? Well you or I would but a 'good' trafficking victim can be naïve and doesn't necessarily do what you would expect it they're very trusting, IMO.

That's not to say that anyone can't be trafficked because they can.

@hehehhehe Yes, I would accept it. I have a friend whose brother was missing for some time, and although he has now been found safe and well, the police told the family that he didn't want them to know where he was (a background of serious mental health problems, and a history of going missing), so I know that these things happen and those left behind have no option other than to accept it.

This is so strange.