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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is an ass!

109 replies

TheWatersFine · 08/08/2021 14:38

My husband is usually caring and considerate, I am 17 weeks pregnant and last night he annoyed me so much!!!
He went out to the pub in the afternoon with his friend to watch sport. He usually gets the last train home when he goes out drinking, so arrives around 12:30am.
I went to bed at 10pm and text to say I had set the house alarm, but left the chain off the door. He read it (2 blue ticks) and didn’t reply. I didn’t think anything of it, cos he was out having fun.
Until I woke up at 1am with no sign of him, so I just sent a text asking any idea of his ETA? Again, this was read and ignored.
I woke up again at 2, with him still not home and started to really worry. So I rang him twice and he didn’t answer and text him, which he again read but didn’t reply.
This is so out of character, but I knew he was alive - as he was looking at his phone, so I decided to put the chain on the door, as I had no idea of when he would arrive home and was starting to get quite angry at this point.
He eventually knocked the door down at 3:30am. I left him outside for a bit - spiteful I know, but I was angry and upset that he had chosen to ignore my messages. Then when I let him in he called me a bitch and we had a big argument - mainly led by me as he was too drunk to even string a sentence together.
He has never done anything like this before, he usually texts to say he’s on his way home and if he’d said he was staying out and when to expect him, I wouldn’t have been so worried.
I know I sound pretty needy, but we do live in a city with high knife crime and very recently a family friend went out into the city drinking, was stabbed and died.
I have come out shopping for some space today, but I really feel like he needs to be ready to apologise when I get home.
He is always saying how he calculates the risk of Covid and possibly bringing it home to me, but I feel like I was the last thing he was thinking of last night. He came in, got right into our bed and lay right on my pregnancy pillow - full of germs- so I went and slept alone in the spare room.
I am really upset and angry with his behaviour, which is so out of character and hope this isn’t a sign of his personality changing with me being pregnant/the responsibility of becoming a parent.

OP posts:

judgejudyrocks · 08/08/2021 15:06

Why can't he have a night out, without you texting and calling him? It sounds very claustrophobic. He is a grown man, and can surely have a night out with friends without you taking on a "Mum" role and checking on him? I also don't understand why you put the chain on? You locked him out - why? Punishment? What has he got to apologise for? For going out and concentrating on the people he is with - instead of texting you? Why do you think he is "full of germs"? If my DH goes out, I make sure the back gate bolt is off, and that the back door key is not sitting in the lock (meaning that he can get in), and I have a nice night on my own, and then I go to bed. I don't text him for updates on his ETA - who cares?

litterbird · 08/08/2021 15:15

I am sorry you are feeling so upset and having someone stabbed and died that you knew can only add to your anxiety. I dont think this is a sign of a personality change I just think this was a huge blow out by him due to the stress of everything everyone has been through. Add the impending birth which is a very frightening thing for some men and women (I was terrified nearer I got to the birth). However, being called a bitch, not texting you back and ignoring calls is something you both calmly have to deal with and set boundaries when he next goes out. Is this really just a one off as you have said or are there other incidences that are similar?

Original poster

TheWatersFine · 08/08/2021 15:17

It’s just something we have always done. A quick text to say whoever is out is on our way back.
I don’t know whether I’m just hormonal and that’s why I’ve taken it so thick.
He was definitely full of germs getting into bed fully dressed after a 14 hour trip to the pub. He is double jabbed, but I have only had 1, I’ll be getting my second soon and we are usually both very careful about washing hands and getting changed when we get in from outside.
I know putting the chain on was a bad move, I should have just let him in and sent him right to the spare room.

OP posts:

Dozer · 08/08/2021 15:18

He was U but you shouldn’t have put on the chain!

Original poster

TheWatersFine · 08/08/2021 15:19

@litterbird it is the first time he’s done something like this, I don’t hound him while he’s out, but just would have expected a text to say he was staying out/was on his way home, which is our usual way of working.

OP posts:

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 15:36

Can you imagine if a man done this to his wife! Locked her out of her own home, because he decided she was too late home.

Is the home in just your name?

mynameisbrian · 08/08/2021 15:44

You got cross that your DH didn’t respond to messages and calls so put the chain on locking him out. I would have lost the plot if my DH did that to me. However i am not an ass and I know if he is out I just leave him to it. Sometime he is back early and sometimes not. Same with me. I wouldn’t be responding to texts or calls if I was out with friends unless it was an emergency.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 08/08/2021 15:45

He was full of germs? Are you for real?

Silvergreen · 08/08/2021 15:47

You're worried about local knife crime so you locked him out of the house 😂

Dillydollydingdong · 08/08/2021 15:49

It's a bit OTT, surely? I would have just gone to sleep and left him to it. He's a grown up. He can cope.

icedcoffees · 08/08/2021 15:51

If a woman came on here and said she'd stayed out later than expected and arrived home to find herself locked out, people would be telling her her partner was abusive.

Bopahula · 08/08/2021 15:52

You had a tantrum because he didn't reply and locked him out. You were completely and utterly unreasonable. He's an adult and allowed an evening out without regular texts asking him when he's coming home. He didn't have a curfew, you just invented one because you were annoyed.
You need to be apologising to him for this one.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 15:54

Being pregnant doesn't give you a get out clause. You don't get to lock someone out of their own house because they didn't text you back.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 08/08/2021 15:57

I’m with @Bopahula

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 16:03

And you left him outside for a bit...............how long?

What was his punishment time?

Was he knocking and disturbing the neighbours?

And he laid on your "pregnancy pillow", you sound extremely precious!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 08/08/2021 16:04

Wow, you should be apologising to him for locking him out of his own home. What germs?! Why is he full of germs? He is allowed a night out, hes an adult. You sound very needy

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/08/2021 16:06

There's no excuse for reading your message and not replying.
A simple "having a late one, don't wait up" takes 2 seconds.

Elisemum · 08/08/2021 16:07

I would do exactly what you have done, only id locked him out for much longer! And I’ve done so in the past! If my husband is out with friends and has the time to be checking his phone then I’d expect him to surely have the extra 20 seconds to send me a quick txt!!! You are absolutely not unreasonable!!

SpnBaby1967 · 08/08/2021 16:11

I'd like a rough ETA from DH and had your DH said he'd be home at 12.30am and then didnt come home, I would be really worried like you were.........except your DH didnt tell you a time you just assumed. So he didnt do anything wrong there.

However, it was rude for him to read the messages and not reply.

You shouldn't have put the chain on, and I dont even understand your weird germs comment about the pillow? That one sounds like grasping at straws to find something to be mad about.

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 16:13

@Elisemum

I'd call the police to arrange for me to get back into my own home if you did that.

You don't decide that you can just lock someone out of their own home.

Can you imagine if a man did that to a woman and she was left knocking on the door at 3 in the morning.

And OP is so worried about knife crime, she leaves him on the doorstep.

Again, imagine a man saying to his wife, I was worried about you being out late, that you'd get raped. So I locked you out, to teach you a lesson.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 16:13

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

There's no excuse for reading your message and not replying. A simple "having a late one, don't wait up" takes 2 seconds.

Have you never been mid-way through reading a message then got distracted? Especially on a night out.

Judging by her actions, id assume she also regularly messages too so id probably have ignored her as well.

icedcoffees · 08/08/2021 16:15

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

There's no excuse for reading your message and not replying. A simple "having a late one, don't wait up" takes 2 seconds.

Maybe he was enjoying himself with his mates and didn't want to have to deal with his pissed off wife moaning at him?

layladomino · 08/08/2021 16:27

It was out of order to lock him out of the house - especially when you say you're worred about knife crime in the area! You had no right to do that.

That said, it was rude and thoughtless of him not to send a quick response message when you'd contacted him. It would have taken seconds.

But no, I don't think otherwise he was being unreasable if this was a one-off.

DancesWithTortoises · 08/08/2021 16:32

If he can't hold his drink then he shouldn't drink to oblivion. He's a prick.

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2021 16:32

You’re in the wrong here
Next time he goes out then just go to bed, don’t wait up; don’t put the chain on- really a dick move

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