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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is an ass!

109 replies

TheWatersFine · 08/08/2021 14:38

My husband is usually caring and considerate, I am 17 weeks pregnant and last night he annoyed me so much!!!
He went out to the pub in the afternoon with his friend to watch sport. He usually gets the last train home when he goes out drinking, so arrives around 12:30am.
I went to bed at 10pm and text to say I had set the house alarm, but left the chain off the door. He read it (2 blue ticks) and didn’t reply. I didn’t think anything of it, cos he was out having fun.
Until I woke up at 1am with no sign of him, so I just sent a text asking any idea of his ETA? Again, this was read and ignored.
I woke up again at 2, with him still not home and started to really worry. So I rang him twice and he didn’t answer and text him, which he again read but didn’t reply.
This is so out of character, but I knew he was alive - as he was looking at his phone, so I decided to put the chain on the door, as I had no idea of when he would arrive home and was starting to get quite angry at this point.
He eventually knocked the door down at 3:30am. I left him outside for a bit - spiteful I know, but I was angry and upset that he had chosen to ignore my messages. Then when I let him in he called me a bitch and we had a big argument - mainly led by me as he was too drunk to even string a sentence together.
He has never done anything like this before, he usually texts to say he’s on his way home and if he’d said he was staying out and when to expect him, I wouldn’t have been so worried.
I know I sound pretty needy, but we do live in a city with high knife crime and very recently a family friend went out into the city drinking, was stabbed and died.
I have come out shopping for some space today, but I really feel like he needs to be ready to apologise when I get home.
He is always saying how he calculates the risk of Covid and possibly bringing it home to me, but I feel like I was the last thing he was thinking of last night. He came in, got right into our bed and lay right on my pregnancy pillow - full of germs- so I went and slept alone in the spare room.
I am really upset and angry with his behaviour, which is so out of character and hope this isn’t a sign of his personality changing with me being pregnant/the responsibility of becoming a parent.

OP posts:

Elisemum · 08/08/2021 17:03

You’re clearly a man! She had every right to lock him out of the house! It’s her house too and if he doesn’t care enough to take 5 seconds to send a txt then he deserves to be locked out of his house. I’m surprised you let him in at all, I wouldn’t

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/08/2021 17:06

Yeah. Whereas ignoring a message is so much less likely to result in a pissed off wife moaning at him.

It takes a few seconds to text and say you don't know what time you'll be back. Ignoring texts just means getting more and more of them and phone calls and a massive row.
Who on earth would be less pissed off at being ignored than at being told don't wait up?

LesLavandes · 08/08/2021 17:19

You are being silly.

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 17:34

@Elisemum

You'd be breaking the law then! What on Earth gives you that right?

IfIHadAHeart · 08/08/2021 17:44

OP you are being ridiculously unreasonable. Why is your husband not allowed a night out and to enjoy himself? I appreciate you might be frustrated that he didn’t reply to your message, but you have massively overreacted. If DH locked me out of the house he would quickly be finding himself somewhere to live.

If a husband had done this to his wife everyone would be saying it’s abuse. You need to take a long hard look at why you have behaved in this way and sort yourself out before the baby arrives.

And apologise.

CakeandGo · 08/08/2021 17:46

Putting the chain on and leaving him outside out of spite (your words) to punish him for not replying to your messages is pretty revolting behaviour.

Pissinthepottyplease · 08/08/2021 17:54

He should have been polite and replied to your message. You definitely shouldn’t have locked him out of the house, not only is that ridiculous it also punishes you as you have to get up and let him in. I think you need to look very carefully at your own behaviour here.

wewereliars · 08/08/2021 17:54

OP I am usually on hyper alert to men acting like entitled twats but you were totally unreasonable to lock him out.

You should have gone to sleep and not been texting him every 5 minutes too, you're not this mother.

Comtesse · 08/08/2021 18:05

He was rude not to let you know what tine he was coming back but I do think putting the chain on was too much sorry.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/08/2021 18:16

I’m all for people having a night out and fun but with a 17 weeks pregnant wife i think a quick reply if post 12.30 am would be polite and I know I personally wouldn’t have appreciated husband arriving back totally drunk after 2.00am when I was pregnant — it’s not like you are saying they can’t go out-

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 18:19

@Crikeyalmighty

Why does it make a difference if she's pregnant?

I could understand if she was 39 weeks potentially, as she'd know he wasn't contactable if she went into labour, but 17 weeks?

xoJellyBean · 08/08/2021 18:32

I agree with OP. I would've reacted the same way, especially if my OH was READING my messages and not replying! He 100% knew she would be freaking out at home.

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 18:35

@xoJellyBean

I agree with OP. I would've reacted the same way, especially if my OH was READING my messages and not replying! He 100% knew she would be freaking out at home.

She wasn't freaking out, she was spitefully chaining the door and then making him wait

She said that she knew he was ok as he was reading messages.

She wasn't ringing round hospitals to see if he'd been admitted.

xoJellyBean · 08/08/2021 18:42

@Sadiecow awk as if you've never been spiteful in your entire life... stop being a martyr 🙄

uktrippin · 08/08/2021 18:44

You were worried he'd get stabbed so you locked him out? Great plan

It was presumably the first game after a long shitty time, you didn't need an ETA, could've just gone back to sleep.

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 18:44

[quote xoJellyBean]@Sadiecow awk as if you've never been spiteful in your entire life... stop being a martyr 🙄[/quote]
I'm no martyr, nor am I a needy controlling person!

Locking someone out of their own house through spite? You think that's ok?

I notice OP hasn't come back.......

xoJellyBean · 08/08/2021 18:52

@Sadiecow if you read back she waited until the early hours & then used the chain. She didn't say she locked the door specifically out of spite... (she let him wait out of spite) perhaps she was afraid and felt safer with the chain on.

I guess you're the perfect wife/partner then 😉

Original poster

TheWatersFine · 08/08/2021 19:00

Sorry, I haven’t disappeared, I have just been busy this afternoon.
I realise that my behaviour wasn’t right, but I was angry and upset that he ignored me - which is not how we usually work as a couple.
It seems like dejavu from my own dad, who once I was born became a high functioning alcoholic who would disappear on benders for weeks on end and my mum always put up with it, which is something I will not be doing.
I’m regards to the germs comments, I am quite Covid-phobic and he is always saying how he tries to minimise the risks of bringing it into the house, but it seemed like last night was a Covid free zone in his mind.
He has already lied to me about where he went, at first he said he stayed in one bar and then said they walked into town for a taxi and then changed his story that he went to a club. Not that I asked, I just asked what made him not want to reply to my message?
He also wasn’t outside for long, as I have a 10YO DD from a previous relationship, who I didn’t want woken up, I thought he would find the door locked and retreat to his friend’s, he did also have a back door key, so could have got in the back door, but didn’t think of that in his state, but neither of those things happened, so I let him in.
We are both wrong and will obviously get over it, but it is something I’ll be keeping an eye on.

OP posts:

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 19:02

[quote xoJellyBean]@Sadiecow if you read back she waited until the early hours & then used the chain. She didn't say she locked the door specifically out of spite... (she let him wait out of spite) perhaps she was afraid and felt safer with the chain on.

I guess you're the perfect wife/partner then 😉 [/quote]
Nope not perfect, but I'm not controlling, don't throw tantrums if my DH has gone out, don't lock him out of his own house (only violence would make me do that)!

So you're saying that OP wasn't perfect and right to have her tantrum and let him stay outside out of spite? She was wrong, but we all do things that are wrong?

So why are you then backing her up?

Very very odd!

willithappen · 08/08/2021 19:03

Careful OP, I had a similar thread and got absolutely ripped to shreds with people assuming everything about us

I'm in a very similar position to you, currently 18 weeks pregnant and partner went out last night also, stayed out well passed pub closing time and wasn't home/didn't call or text to say he'd been staying out late so I was in pure panic mode.
I was also worrying as he didn't have his keys and we have had people trying all our doors on our street this week so I had doors locked but tried staying up to make sure I could let him in when he got back and yeah, just panic.
Alcohol doesn't help either so you just assume the worst sometimes.

I completely understand how you feel

Sadiecow · 08/08/2021 19:03

@TheWatersFine

Sorry, I haven’t disappeared, I have just been busy this afternoon. I realise that my behaviour wasn’t right, but I was angry and upset that he ignored me - which is not how we usually work as a couple. It seems like dejavu from my own dad, who once I was born became a high functioning alcoholic who would disappear on benders for weeks on end and my mum always put up with it, which is something I will not be doing. I’m regards to the germs comments, I am quite Covid-phobic and he is always saying how he tries to minimise the risks of bringing it into the house, but it seemed like last night was a Covid free zone in his mind. He has already lied to me about where he went, at first he said he stayed in one bar and then said they walked into town for a taxi and then changed his story that he went to a club. Not that I asked, I just asked what made him not want to reply to my message? He also wasn’t outside for long, as I have a 10YO DD from a previous relationship, who I didn’t want woken up, I thought he would find the door locked and retreat to his friend’s, he did also have a back door key, so could have got in the back door, but didn’t think of that in his state, but neither of those things happened, so I let him in. We are both wrong and will obviously get over it, but it is something I’ll be keeping an eye on.

And he needs to keep a close eye on you, locking him out is not acceptable.

wewereliars · 08/08/2021 19:09

Before we had kids my ex used to text me non stop if I went out with work, I should have seen that for the controllig shit it was and left him.

Locking him out in the middle of the night is totally out of order, and if the sexes were reversed no one would argue that this is not a red flag for controlling behavior.

OP he should have replied and told you what he was doing, but he's probably sick of you being on his back.

willithappen · 08/08/2021 19:09

If OP is home alone, feeling vulnerable and it's getting late at night with no response from partner then she's perfectly entitled to lock the door so she can feel safe going to sleep.

OP is also entitled to feel more vulnerable from Covid right now. Just because things are open doesn't mean it's gone away. It's a pretty scary time being pregnant right now

wewereliars · 08/08/2021 19:11

She locked the door to spite him

willithappen · 08/08/2021 19:18

Actually she left him outside longer to spite him, original post says she locked door because it was getting late.

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