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Original poster

Am I being a high maintenance nightmare?

104 replies

Finchala · 07/08/2021 20:33

Together a year. See each other 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s never been massively big on contact when apart, pretty short texts. Sometimes we have a phone call and that lasts a while. We do that maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

But some days he seems to drop off the radar. He has a busy job where he often doesn’t have his phone with him, especially when he’s out and driving. I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact. I was reluctant to say this as I don’t really want contact from anyone where it’s not freely given, but it wasn’t great to have random days where I didn’t hear from him and left me wondering if something horrible had happened.

He’s been a bit better at this lately but today again I’ve heard nothing. I called him just now when driving back from my friends, no answer. I guess he will call back when he’s free and he might have put in a last minute shit but he point is I don’t know? I find this weird after a year together. We weren’t seeing each other today as I had other plans earlier on today. Which he knew about as I told him.

Am I being high maintenance here? I don’t really know why it irritates me so much but I fed like on these days I just don’t have a partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Finchala · 07/08/2021 20:34

*feel like

OP posts:
wishing3 · 07/08/2021 20:34

I would feel exactly the same as you.

cansu · 07/08/2021 20:37

You are being ridiculous. I would find this very irritating if you were my dp. Calling for the sake of it is really odd. You sound needy and controlling.

Original poster
Finchala · 07/08/2021 20:39

@cansu I was calling for a chat while driving back, not to check up on him!

Point taken though, it’s interesting to hear other views as I feel so strongly that after a year you’d be in touch daily unless of some extreme circumstances. He may have the same view as you.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 07/08/2021 20:39

I dont think you are being high maintenance. I think you are being controlling and using anxiety as an excuse for its

FAQs · 07/08/2021 20:40

I would feel suffocated.

SisforSarah · 07/08/2021 20:41

Honestly it just doesn’t sound like you are on the same page. I would feel like you do, but it’s obviously from your OP that this isnt important to your boyfriend. You are unlikely to change him, so you either accept it or move on. Neither of you ABU, you are just approaching this differently.

Original poster
Finchala · 07/08/2021 20:41

@JulesCobb yep could be right. I don’t feel anxiety necessarily towards the lack of contact but I do have anxiety in other areas of my life so can’t rule it out. Think I need to reflect on this before taking with him about it and charging in with my opinion!

OP posts:
cansu · 07/08/2021 20:42

I think calling for a chat is fine. Asking him to call every day to reassure you is not.

TreeDice · 07/08/2021 20:42

One year is still pretty early. It sounds like you want to know where he is all the time, that wouldn't work for me personally.

Do you have a lot going on in your life? Work? Hobbies etc?

JulesCobb · 07/08/2021 20:44

[quote Finchala]@JulesCobb yep could be right. I don’t feel anxiety necessarily towards the lack of contact but I do have anxiety in other areas of my life so can’t rule it out. Think I need to reflect on this before taking with him about it and charging in with my opinion![/quote]
BUT! If you dont feel like a priority in his life, at this early stage I wouldnt stay.

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2021 20:44

You would be high maintenance to me and if I were in a relationship with someone with those expectations I would feel suffocated.

Some couples both have the same expectations as you and lots of contact works for them. They wouldn't find it high maintenance or controlling.

It seems like you and him are on different pages and that's unlikely to last long term unless you find a middle ground you're both happy with.

MushMonster · 07/08/2021 20:44

Not high maintenance at all.
You are right to want to know that he is ok.
I would suggest a good night text, and a good morning.
Quick, easy, and re-assuring.
If he is busy, and he is not the type to text or call, it is normal that he does not text in the day. Also normal that you want to hear of him. But just at the end and beginning, it is easy, simple and fils in that gap.

MacmillanMO · 07/08/2021 20:47

Hmm. Honestly, I would hate this. People who need constant contact give me hives.

It could be he’s busy, or driving. Or after a year together he just doesn’t see the need to be constantly in touch (sensible man in my view).

Or it could be he’s just not that into you.

Whatever it is, I don’t think making a fuss about it is likely to be productive?

ZealAndArdour · 07/08/2021 20:48

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or high maintenance.

After a year together I would expect some contact, however small every day, unless they’d explained that they were gonna be off the radar for some reason.

litterbird · 07/08/2021 20:48

It doesn’t matter what people think, you need a man to be in contact daily with no breaks of over 24 hours. That’s how you would like to be treated. Your partner obviously does not need the daily contact to feel he is in a relationship. No one is wrong but you aren’t getting your needs met and it’s causing you anxiety and resentment. Both of those are bad for a relationship. Chat to him again and tell him what you need and why. Personally I would find it claustrophobic if I was busy, in a steady relationship and had to contact every day to allay someone’s anxieties, but if that’s what my partner needed for them to feel wanted in a relationship then I would do my best to contact every day.

RantyAunty · 07/08/2021 20:50

If he's coming over for sex and a meal and somewhat distant the rest of the time and not moving the relationship forward, you have your answer.

fluffi · 07/08/2021 20:51

If you are only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week then expecting to hear from him everyday seems a bit much to me, doesn't really matter you've been together 3 months or 3 years.

If you were living together and he was away for a few nights then that would be different and would expect a bit more contact.

As others have said, you both have different expectations, neither of you are right or wrong. If he's always been light on contact then seems unlikely to increase with duration of the relationship.

Ideasplease322 · 07/08/2021 20:54

I would find this suffocating. Someone has suggested a text at bedtime and one in the morning. That would really irritate me.

I have a high pressure job, work long hours, I couldn’t bear to be with someone who was that needy.

Perhaps you aren’t a good match with this man? It’s always a red gflagwhen you try and force someone to be what they aren’t.

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 20:56

Personally, after a year, I wouldn't need daily contact and would feel a bit cross at being told to check in with someone every day. It would fee a bit like my mum telling me she worries about me. I'd probably do it if it was that important to my partner, but I'd be thinking "really?".

ttcforthesecondtime · 07/08/2021 20:56

Wtf?? People saying daily contact from someone she's been seeing a year is controlling?
You people are insane. She's been with the guy FOR TWELVE MONTHS. Not a couple of weeks, not a month or two. Twelve months is a relationship

Ideasplease322 · 07/08/2021 21:01

@ttcforthesecondtime

Wtf?? People saying daily contact from someone she's been seeing a year is controlling? You people are insane. She's been with the guy FOR TWELVE MONTHS. Not a couple of weeks, not a month or two. Twelve months is a relationship
But he doesn’t want this level of contact?

As I said p, they are probably not a good match.

I would freak out if I had to text someone every night and every morning. I text people when I think about hem, when I feel a burst of love. Not on a schedule.

But we are all different,

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 21:03

Yes we are all different. Daily contact is absolutely fine if that's what both partners want - and may would. But it is a little bit controlling IMO to demand daily contact when that wouldn't be the other person's choice.

Apeirogon · 07/08/2021 21:04

Many not may

mildlymiffed · 07/08/2021 21:07

Just to set this in context- I've been in a relationship for about the same amount of time. Because of lockdown we've spent a greater amount of time actually together then relationships I've had in the past. However when we're not together we tend to message at some point in the morning, and then we chat at 10pm even if it's a quick "I'm shattered, but I wanted to see your face and say goodnight". Obviously if one of us is out with mates this doesn't happen. But this is what I like, and I think he likes too! There was one day when I didn't hear from him at all, and I must admit it put my nose a bit out of joint. Don't care if that's unreasonable or irrational. But, not surprisingly, I like him, and I like hearing from him!

So in response to your post... don't be embarrassed to say that you like hearing from him, and would like a daily text if that's what you want! It's been a year, you're established. You're not asking a ONS for contact! This is your partner!!!