Am I being a high maintenance nightmare?

[Finchala]

Together a year. See each other 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s never been massively big on contact when apart, pretty short texts. Sometimes we have a phone call and that lasts a while. We do that maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

But some days he seems to drop off the radar. He has a busy job where he often doesn’t have his phone with him, especially when he’s out and driving. I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact. I was reluctant to say this as I don’t really want contact from anyone where it’s not freely given, but it wasn’t great to have random days where I didn’t hear from him and left me wondering if something horrible had happened.

He’s been a bit better at this lately but today again I’ve heard nothing. I called him just now when driving back from my friends, no answer. I guess he will call back when he’s free and he might have put in a last minute shit but he point is I don’t know? I find this weird after a year together. We weren’t seeing each other today as I had other plans earlier on today. Which he knew about as I told him.

Am I being high maintenance here? I don’t really know why it irritates me so much but I fed like on these days I just don’t have a partner.

PP is right OP.
You will not find the answer here.
Only that 50% MN is not compatible with you regarding contact. And that the other 50% is.
The question is whether you and him are? So you have been fine till mow. But you are no more. And you do right to say so. You cannot demand from him. But you must tell him how you feel. Which you have done. Then, he can accomodate your (very valid) feelings, and you carry on. Or it could be too much for him. Only he knows.
Be true to yourself OP. Voice what you want. Always word it politely, and do not demand from the other.
It is not needy, or controlling, or anything like this.
Controlling would be if you were calling him demanding to know where he is or such. Needy would be if you could not function without his call.
You are only asking for a daily contact, to know he is there, ok, and cares on the days he is too busy to see you or call. It is not much at all. Just shows that you like him, and want to be closer to him.
Give him some time to respond to you.
But if continues to bother you, it will not change, as sadly as it is.

Is the issue that he’s not in love, or he is madly in love but just doesn’t want to text every night

It doesn't really matter. If he's not meeting OP's needs, he needs to be in love enough to send a text each evening. If he's not willing to do that, they are incompatible because the relationship makes OP feel anxious. How 'in love' either of them is really isn't the point. Being in love isn't enough. You have to be in love and compatible.

Stop being so needy. It's off putting and suffocating. If a man was behaving like you I would say it's a red flag for abusive possessive behaviour. Stop it, you are not connected by an umbilical cord

I don’t really know why it irritates me so much but I fed like on these days I just don’t have a partner

You don’t. You have a boyfriend. You see each other 2-3 times a week. He behaves like a boyfriend - dates etc. Not a partner.

left me wondering if something horrible had happened
If this is true, you are catastrophising to an unhealthy degree. It’s not normal to assume the worst when you haven’t heard from them for a day.

However, if, as others suggest, it’s the excuse you give yourself for wanting more contact, it might be worth a chat (face to face) to see if you both see your relationship in the same way.

He doesn't want to chat to you every day. He's not that bothered. Find someone else who's bothered.

@TreadLightly3

Hey OP I don’t think you’re being needy or high maintenance at all. You should read He’s Not That Into You for great relationship advice about what is reasonable to expect in a relationship. It doesn’t sound like he’s 100% invested and you deserve so much more. I hope you find happiness

But everyone's relationship needs are different.

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We see each other once, maybe twice, a week; one phone call a week; occasional texts throughout the week. We regularly go 24 hours without contact - rarely more than 48. That's perfect for me.

Texts everyday just to 'check in' or say good morning/good night are unnecessary and a bit irritating and point to insecurity to me - they reek of someone needing reassurance that they haven't been forgotten about. I found it quite refreshing that he didn't want that.

I have a friend who calls me every day and sometimes I don't answer the phone because I'm busy or just don't feel like talking.

If I were seeing someone 2 or 3 nights a week, I really wouldn't want to be speaking to them every day too.

And we certainly don't start worrying that something has happened to each other!

Or do you mean 'something horrible' as in he's cheating on you?

@Disneycharacter

Stop being so needy. It's off putting and suffocating. If a man was behaving like you I would say it's a red flag for abusive possessive behaviour. Stop it, you are not connected by an umbilical cord

Wow. Where are the rules for this? I thought that everybody was allowed to have different levels of need, and that that would be valid?

How come you know what we're all meant to be doing, and lots of us don't?

And what about my friends, who text throughout the day every day, and are very happy together? Are they doing it wrong, then?

A few years ago, I dated someone who wanted 'more' contact.

I ended it eventually because neither of us was happy and it just caused resentment on both sides.

I would see him three nights a week (which was more than I would normally see someone) but it still wasn't enough for him. He wanted me to be available for ad hoc contact throughout the day. I'm a teacher so this simply wasn't possible. Then he wanted to text throughout night on the evenings I wasn't with him. It felt like he was demanding all of my physical and emotional time. It interrupted time with my children, hobbies and friends.

I know that another woman would have loved this but it felt intrusive and 'too much' for me. We split up, not because we didn't love each other, but because our relationships needs were so different.

I would never mock or criticise someone for wanting a different sort of relationship or a different level of contact but it doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of interest or care if someone has a lower need for contact.

Do you speak daily on the phone OP? I would expect a daily chat tbh!

Long term OP you need to have a chat about what he wants and what you want... I suspect your wants don't match each other.

YABU I would find the need for daily contact a bit frustrating especially if I was at work.
Not everyone can drop their work responsibilities for a casual "hey how are you?" chat.
I think your expectations are a bit needy and are different to your partners. It depends really if you're trying to alienate him or attract him.

@SimonJT

I would find that a red flag, in my experience someone who needs to know you’re ‘okay’ everyday is actually interested in where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing.

Yes this is my experience too. It’s a way to checkup on the person. Obviously maybe the op does have mental health issues and really does think he will have had a horrible accident and is worried for his welfare. But her “irritation”, late night calls indicate this is about her getting reassurance he’s not with someone else

It’s not healthy for your boyfriend or girlfriend to have to text you every single night when you’ve only been dating a couple of times a week for a year, that sort of communication is usually for people who live together and are in much more committed relationships. It’s fine if two people want that level of interaction earlier on, but it’s not ok to force it on someone and dress it up as anxiety over horrible events

And what about my friends, who text throughout the day every day, and are very happy together? Are they doing it wrong, then?

Wow you seem really defensive, clearly that’s a different situation as both parties want that level of contact, the poster is clearly referring to the ops situation where one side does not.

@saleorbouy

YABU I would find the need for daily contact a bit frustrating especially if I was at work. Not everyone can drop their work responsibilities for a casual "hey how are you?" chat. I think your expectations are a bit needy and are different to your partners. It depends really if you're trying to alienate him or attract him.

But surely that's not being unreasonable, that's just having different levels of need? If OP is the only one expected to compromise in order to stay attractive to this guy, then surely it's an uneven relationship?

What is the 'right' level of neediness, and how do you know? You might find OP a bit much, but does that make you reasonable and OP not? Couldn't it equally be that you were being unreasonable and OP had the 'right' level of neediness?

@FirstCupOfTeaOfTheDayIsBliss— totally agree with you— I’ve experienced this too— it’s often meant in good faith but essentially it’s neediness in the sense of people who can’t feel ‘whole’ or engaged unless they are texting, calling , meeting up or taking up other people’s time. I’ve known several people like this, Male and female — it’s fine if it’s two people who are both like this but it really isn’t if it’s one way- you just end up annoying the other person.

If OP is the only one expected to compromise in order to stay attractive to this guy, then surely it's an uneven relationship?

How’s she compromising though? It’s him whose being expected to compromise and start checking in with her daily. Good for him not playing the game,

In reality she’s probably insecure, so it’s making her behave in a controlling manner, she wants him to communicate daily like a prisoner on parole. And she’s irritated he won’t do as he’s told

I was responding to the person saying OP was BU, @Bluntness100

The expectation of daily communication isn't right or wrong. As the thread evidences, some people think it's fine and some don't. My point was that OP is being no more or less unreasonable than her partner, so she shouldn't be the one who is expected to change. They either need to find a compromise that they both feel is right, or accept their incompatibility. Pointing the finger isn't helpful.

@TheFoundations But OP is being very unreasonable as her DP doesn't want this level of control in his life. She is asking if she is being high maintainance (aka) needy, and she is for most people.

Wanting daily communication is controlling if its not what the other person wants. After a whole year together you really don't need constant contact. If she can't cope with her partner being 100% available to her then she needs to end it and look for someone who feels as she does. If it was a man demanding daily communication everyone would say run for the hills

He’s not bothered

Find someone who is

Scheduled contact fine if you both agree, suffocating for someone who feels trapped into it.

[quote Disneycharacter]@TheFoundations But OP is being very unreasonable as her DP doesn't want this level of control in his life. She is asking if she is being high maintainance (aka) needy, and she is for most people.

Wanting daily communication is controlling if its not what the other person wants. After a whole year together you really don't need constant contact. If she can't cope with her partner being 100% available to her then she needs to end it and look for someone who feels as she does. If it was a man demanding daily communication everyone would say run for the hills[/quote]
Wanting something that your partner doesn't want isn't being unreasonable. Needing something that your partner doesn't need isn't being needy.

If either of these things become overwhelming, then the couple have to look at incompatibility. Neither of them is doing anything wrong. They can't be; there are no rules.

@Apeirogon

Personally, after a year, I wouldn't need daily contact and would feel a bit cross at being told to check in with someone every day. It would fee a bit like my mum telling me she worries about me. I'd probably do it if it was that important to my partner, but I'd be thinking "really?".

I would also feel like this. So yes I think the OP is being high maintenance and suffocating.

@Suprima

He’s not bothered

Find someone who is

I totally disagree. You (for that read 'I') can be very bothered indeed/interested/in love/whatever and still not feel the need for daily contact.

I totally disagree. You (for that read 'I') can be very bothered indeed/interested/in love/whatever and still not feel the need for daily contact.

Absolutely.

Tbh, inwouldnt want to he with someone who had the time and the desire to speak to me.every day.

I want someone who has more going on in their life than just me!

@SisforSarah

Honestly it just doesn’t sound like you are on the same page. I would feel like you do, but it’s obviously from your OP that this isnt important to your boyfriend. You are unlikely to change him, so you either accept it or move on. Neither of you ABU, you are just approaching this differently.

This. I would absolutely want to have a quick check-in every day or most days with a partner I’d been with for that long. But that’s me. A lot of people on MN though nobody I’ve met in real life seem to think it makes you needy or clingy to expect anything from a relationship but in my book a strong independent woman knows what she wants and asks for it. If your partner isn’t on board maybe you should find a man who is a better match and let him get together with one of the many mythical “cool” MNers who pride themselves on low expectations from a relationship.