Am I being a high maintenance nightmare?

[Finchala]

Together a year. See each other 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s never been massively big on contact when apart, pretty short texts. Sometimes we have a phone call and that lasts a while. We do that maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

But some days he seems to drop off the radar. He has a busy job where he often doesn’t have his phone with him, especially when he’s out and driving. I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact. I was reluctant to say this as I don’t really want contact from anyone where it’s not freely given, but it wasn’t great to have random days where I didn’t hear from him and left me wondering if something horrible had happened.

He’s been a bit better at this lately but today again I’ve heard nothing. I called him just now when driving back from my friends, no answer. I guess he will call back when he’s free and he might have put in a last minute shit but he point is I don’t know? I find this weird after a year together. We weren’t seeing each other today as I had other plans earlier on today. Which he knew about as I told him.

Am I being high maintenance here? I don’t really know why it irritates me so much but I fed like on these days I just don’t have a partner.

Wtf?? People saying daily contact from someone she's been seeing a year is controlling?
You people are insane. She's been with the guy FOR TWELVE MONTHS. Not a couple of weeks, not a month or two. Twelve months is a relationship

Everyone is different though.
Some people thrive on lots of contact, goodnight texts, daily phonecalls, and others enjoy their space when they're in a relationship but not cohabiting.

It's not that one is right and one is wrong, but both people need to be on the same page. Demanding someone calls in or checks in daily and being irritated when they don't is a little controlling.

This isn’t high maintenance btw, just insecurity. After a year you should really know each other well enough to feel grounded. And tbh you can’t expect anyone to answer the phone or text whilst they’re driving.

Do you think you're feeling anxious because you don't know where this relationship is going, if anywhere?

It's a normal thing to me to have daily contact in a relationship, don't see it as high maintenance at all, without daily contact I wouldn't want to be in the relationship as I wouldn't see it as one.

I have been with my husband for about 20 years. If we're apart, we usually do contact each other but I wouldn't be bothered if it went 24 hours.

Hey OP I don’t think you’re being needy or high maintenance at all. You should read He’s Not That Into You for great relationship advice about what is reasonable to expect in a relationship. It doesn’t sound like he’s 100% invested and you deserve so much more. I hope you find happiness

I’d hate this, especially the bit where you say this - ‘I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact. I was reluctant to say this as I don’t really want contact from anyone where it’s not freely given, but it wasn’t great to have random days where I didn’t hear from him and left me wondering if something horrible had happened.’

To me this is acting like you’d worry he wasn’t ok and that’s so infantilising! He managed just fine to be ok driving or whatever else he does before he met you. It would annoy me no end if a man i was seeing said he essentially didn’t trust i can take care of myself and needed me to check in with him like he’s my father or something each day just to say i’m all good and have managed not to harm myself in some way during the general business of living.

However! If you want daily contact - NOT to ensure he is fine, but to connect - that’s your prerogative. Lots of people do, no shame in it. Just don’t frame it like you’re all concerned for him!

You like regular contact, he doesn't. You aren't compatible.

you want one kind of life, he wants another. Neither are wrong but I don't see it ending happily

‘ If you are only seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week then expecting to hear from him everyday seems a bit much to me, doesn't really matter you've been together 3 months or 3 years.’

^^

I find comments like this really odd. If you’re in a relationship with someone you want them to take an interest in you and the same back. If you’re so uninterested you’re not even arsed about asking if someone is ok or how their day was, it will never be a solid working relationship.

I wouldn’t bother with it op.

Are we all ignoring the ‘last minute shit’ comment 😂

@GameSetMatch

Are we all ignoring the ‘last minute shit’ comment 😂

That's really needy if the poor bloke can't even poo in peace.

You’re on a different page. Me and my now DH contacted each other every day (and saw each other most days) after a few weeks into our relationship as we were just so into each other. I’ve never been like that with anyone else and agree it sounds “needy” on paper but we were madly in love. There are no rules, but after a year if you’re not keen to spend most of your time together, where’s the relationship going?

And don’t interrupt him when he’s doing a last minute shit, that’s too much for any relationship.

Hmm. Phone calls 2-3 times a week would do my head in, but I hate phone calls.

DH and I have been together 11 years but were in an LTR for the first 2yrs where we'd only be able to see each other twice a month. We text at least every other day at that point.

But I'd hate phone calls for no reason.

Are you sure you're not unwittingly the OW and he is already in a permanent relationship? That's what crossed my mind.

I don’t think you’re being entirely unreasonable because what you’re saying is that he barely contacts you when you’re not together and as a pp said he’s basically just seeing you a few times a week for sex and not interested the rest of the time, which would bother me.

I don’t consider myself high maintenance and don’t think i’ve been in any long relationships (1 year is a long enough time) to not be in contact every day, but it was because we wanted to be, not because it was ever discussed.

If you feel like you don’t have a partner because he doesn’t want to speak to you more than half the days in the week, I think that’s fair enough. You want different things out of a relationship and I would either accept that and stay or move on.

It's a normal thing to me to have daily contact in a relationship, don't see it as high maintenance at all, without daily contact I wouldn't want to be in the relationship as I wouldn't see it as one

I agree, maybe a generational thing or just personal preference but I would expect contact every day after a year! I’ve never been a relationship without daily contact and would worry they weren’t that into me otherwise. People have busy lives but it’s not hard to text someone a message to let them know you’re thinking of them, keeps the spark/ongoing connection. However,as this thread proves, everyone’s different. Definitely not high maintenance IMO.

I had a boyfriend who phoned me every evening wanting to know what Id done and who Id seen (pre smartphone). If I didnt answer the phone he would let it ring until I did. After 4 weeks I dumped him. Too controlling.

doesnt sound like you’re compatible. As you said in your post, it shouldn’t be forced, as him texting you is pointless if it’s just done because it’s been demanded of him. You can safely assume that there is a 99.9% probability that he’s absolutely fine, and no harm will have come to him within the 24 hours you spoke to him last.

I don’t think your being high maintenance or controlling to ask for a quick message once a day. Even if it’s not your Dp’s thing it’s not asking a lot to make you feel loved and special to him.
I’m more like your DP myself and have happily gone days without contact from my husband when he’s been working abroad of away for the weekend. I trust him, I know if there was a problem I’d know. I don’t need constant contact to feel secure. But if it was important to him I’d make the effort. And he’d always get back to me if I needed him.

Depends on how you both see your future together. Not having daily contact isn't a big issue IMHO. But if it is for you then it is important.

@SilverRoe

I’d hate this, especially the bit where you say this - ‘I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact. I was reluctant to say this as I don’t really want contact from anyone where it’s not freely given, but it wasn’t great to have random days where I didn’t hear from him and left me wondering if something horrible had happened.’

To me this is acting like you’d worry he wasn’t ok and that’s so infantilising! He managed just fine to be ok driving or whatever else he does before he met you. It would annoy me no end if a man i was seeing said he essentially didn’t trust i can take care of myself and needed me to check in with him like he’s my father or something each day just to say i’m all good and have managed not to harm myself in some way during the general business of living.

I agree with this poster. This insinuation that he’s not safe and there’s something wrong if you haven’t heard from him is ridiculous, and putting it on him to quell your anxiety about it is either too draining or a front for controlling behaviour. I’d be totally suffocated by this demand and as for the suggestion of a check in text every morning and evening- I’d run a mile from it. He’s a grown man. The likelihood is he’s absolutely fine even if you haven’t heard from him and if there is something wrong such as a car crash, you’ll hear soon enough anyway.

It sounds like you expect him to manage your anxiety for you by reassuring you he’s fine every day even when there’s no reason for him not to be fine

Have you had professional help for your anxiety?

I think you’re pretending that your desire for contact is related to ‘wanting to make sure he’s safe’ to give it a veneer that is more readily understandable. When in reality it’s because you need that contact to feel loved and secure in the relationship. If it truly was because you’d worry he had had a crash or something then I’d advise getting some help for your anxiety as that’s not a helpful level of anxiety to be dealing with. You should be able to go to bed and trust that he has gotten home safe and gone to sleep rather than the tiny chance of some harm coming to him occurring.

Having got that out of the way, you’re not wrong here and neither is he. I must admit though I’ve had quite a few relationships last past the year mark and in absolutely none of them have we gone a day without contact since it became ‘official’. I find it very strange the idea that in an entire day you wouldn’t once want to see how your partner is doing, tell them something about your day or hear their voice. When I met my ex I was working 80hr weeks yet we still spoke multiple times per day via text or call and saw each other frequently. You make time when it’s something you want to do.

Personally I’d be taking this to mean he’s a bit lukewarm towards me and that wouldn’t be something I’d stick around to experience.

I often see the term high maintenance used as if it’s a bad thing to have needs and wishes you expect to be met by a partner. It isn’t. By a few months in I would expect to be ‘official’, to have met some friends of one another, to be seeing each other a few times per week for planned ahead dates or sleepovers, to be speaking daily. I’ve never not had those very basic expectations met. When you’re crazy about someone it shows and he doesn’t seem that delighted about you, though I only have a snapshot.

MN is full of competitive blasé ness about relationships, oh I couldn’t possibly handle messaging every couple of days I’d feel so suffocated, but when you’re into someone you WANT to get in touch.

I don’t think he’ll change anyways, this is who he is right now, whether he’s different with someone else is for the birds to know. I’d probably toss this one back and go find someone who’s really into you.

What are your ages and future plans btw? At a year I’d expect you to have an idea about stuff like moving in, whether you want marriage or kids eventually.