Am I being a high maintenance nightmare?

[Finchala]

Together a year. See each other 2 or 3 nights a week. He’s never been massively big on contact when apart, pretty short texts. Sometimes we have a phone call and that lasts a while. We do that maybe 2 or 3 times a week.

But some days he seems to drop off the radar. He has a busy job where he often doesn’t have his phone with him, especially when he’s out and driving. I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact. I was reluctant to say this as I don’t really want contact from anyone where it’s not freely given, but it wasn’t great to have random days where I didn’t hear from him and left me wondering if something horrible had happened.

He’s been a bit better at this lately but today again I’ve heard nothing. I called him just now when driving back from my friends, no answer. I guess he will call back when he’s free and he might have put in a last minute shit but he point is I don’t know? I find this weird after a year together. We weren’t seeing each other today as I had other plans earlier on today. Which he knew about as I told him.

Am I being high maintenance here? I don’t really know why it irritates me so much but I fed like on these days I just don’t have a partner.

If you already see eachother 2 or 3 nights a week why the daily phone calls? It would be understandable if in a LDR but in as you see eachother I think you are being needy.

Definitely too much for me.

I don't think I had daily contact with DP when we'd been going out a year. Even after a decade, if we're not under the same roof we don't have daily contact!

I'm not that big on messaging (even less on phone calls) and like PP only send them when I actually have something to say. Not on schedule.

You already know he's not a big messager. You already know he has logistical reasons as well. Being forced to alter your natural communication style feels very suffocating.

In fact, being required to message daily would be a huge red flag to me if I was dating. I message when I please and would be looking for someone who didn't place undue importance on constant messaging.

I think you are being a bit needy . I have been been DH 16 years. We live apart Monday to Friday.We usually speak/ text every day but if we are busy we don’t. There is no need to check in...

My DPs Mum does this to him. It's weird

I’ve said I would like to hear from him at the end of the day just to know all is well, doesn’t need to be a conversation just some form of contact.

Are you saying he generally doesn’t reply when you message him at the end of the day, or have you told him to instigate the contact? Both quite different.

Not sure either of you is right or wrong.

However, I do think you aren't being honest. And that's not helpful. I think you need contact to feel like he cares about you. But you don't want to admit that, because it sounds more needy than 'I have anxiety'.

Its better to be honest with yourself about that. Because when you are looking for a relationship, you are looking for someone who also feels the same or is willing to do the things you need, every day to make your feel cared about

In all honesty, I am like him. Dp is more like you, if I am travelling for work he likes some contact. I am usually exhausted and really don't want to start a converstation. So we compromise. I contact him a bit more than I would choose to, he accepts that some days there's little/no contact I couldn't be with someone who insisted on it every day, regardless of circumstances.
But it was important to dp, so I contact him more than my preference. But he also accepts, when I don't it doesn't mean I love him less.

The other thing that jumped out was that, you said you told him what you needed. He did compromise and contacted you more. Then one day he didn't and you are calling him and bothered that this one day, he has failed to meet your needs.

I think that's a bit off. Where's the compromise for what he needs, in relation to this issue?

Personally, I don't think you are compatible in this area. You have told him what you wanted he improved, but the minute its not as you want it, you are very unhappy.

You are both adults with lives outside the relationships as it should be. There is no need for contact daily just for the sake of it. You're being needy and controlling.

It’s a bit like having to check in with mum. And using the excuse you’re anxious to check he’s not had an accident isn’t very pleasant.

You do want contact that’s not freely given. You’ve already told him once you want that contact and you are gearing up to do it again.

Look, you’re both grown ups, you are not his parent,he doesn’t need to text you or call you before bed every night to tell you he’s ok.

Before we moved in together my DH and I wouldn’t text every single day. It doesn’t mean we weren’t into each other, just that some days we were busy and there wasn’t anything we wanted to say.

I don’t think you’re ‘wrong’ OP. It’s just that different people see this differently. It depends whether you can overlook it or not. I don’t think it is a red flag unless there is more to it or other problems in the relationship.

I think if this post was from a woman saying her boyfriend wanted daily contact the MN jury would definitely say controlling.
Personally I think until you start living together you don’t necessarily need daily contact. It seems very controlling to me and could end up in a situation where the other person has to justify where and what they are doing at all times . In my opinion a red flag and the start of an abusive relationship.

It sounds needy and overbearing. He must be very patient

You want to talk every day to your boyfriend. He can’t be busy or one night a week? That sounds controlling.

I would find that a red flag, in my experience someone who needs to know you’re ‘okay’ everyday is actually interested in where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing.

You call him a partner but he doesn’t live with you and only sees you 2-3 times per week. He is a boy/man friend. You need to think about what you want in a relationship and talk about where the relationship is going. It doesn’t sound like you want the same things. It is not high maintenance to want communication daily if you are married or living with someone. If it is a more casual thing then perhaps the intrusion into his life will feel too much.

MN is full of competitive blasé ness about relationships, oh I couldn’t possibly handle messaging every couple of days I’d feel so suffocated, but when you’re into someone you WANT to get in touch
Why is doing things differently competitively blasé?

It's hardly surprising that throughout the general population different people will have different boundaries and different preferences and different love languages.
The fact you think people describing their feelings about their relationships is competitively blasé is a bit silly IMO and similar to when posters object to another woman's preferences in relationships by calling them 'cool wives' rather than 'woman who does things differently to me'.

@Shoxfordian

It sounds like you expect him to manage your anxiety for you by reassuring you he’s fine every day even when there’s no reason for him not to be fine

Have you had professional help for your anxiety?

Ha! Gold star for trotting out the old Mumsnet cliche. Really don't think that the op having expectations of hearing from her partner daily warrants professional help! Maybe it warrants her reassessing whether he is on the same page than that, but actual professional help?!! 😂

@mildlymiffed I don't think that's what that poster is saying.

But if you anxiety that you constantly assume a loved one has been hurt if you don't hear from them, seeking some help isn't a bad idea

@mildlymiffed

Tbf I think that’s a fair point, and it’s in relation to OP saying she needs to hear from him or she’ll be worried something has happened to him.

Personally I don’t believe that’s the real reason she wants to hear from him, it just gives it a more ‘reasonable’ sheen rather than owning that she actually wants that daily contact because she feels more secure in the relationship with it. If she genuinely is up worrying though that he’s had a crash or something if she doesn’t hear from him then as I’ve said upthread I believe that does warrant some professional help: that’s not usual or helpful to have such intense worries.

It’s not that she ‘needs therapy’ for wanting to hear from her boyfriend daily. It’s the comment about wondering if something horrible has happened.

I can see both sides of this. As others have said I don't think either side is wrong.
I didn't get that the op is asking for constant contact, as pp have suggested when using words such as controlling and needy so I don't necessarily think this is a fair judgement, however it does seem clear that the op would like more contact and he is happy with days passing without contact.
I don't think either is wrong, just very different so yes ok one of your options it to acknowledge the difference in expectations and end it, as others have advised.
Although this seems like a relatively easy fix. Op would like more contact but at least daily. Ops dp seems to be happy without daily contact and no increase in the current level of contact at all. Could the days he doesn't want to talk/text just involve a quick 'busy day, chat tomorrow ' text at the end of the day. Isn't that what relationships are about, compromise. It would literally take 5 seconds to write and would stop the op worrying, I think it's a completely reasonable solution no matter how busy he is.

Really don't think that the op having expectations of hearing from her partner daily warrants professional help! Maybe it warrants her reassessing whether he is on the same page than that, but actual professional help?!!

Why not @mildlymiffed?

She says in her OP that when he doesn't get in touch she panics that he's been in an accident - that's not normal.

I say that as someone who has badly uncontrolled anxiety in the past (diagnosed anxiety for which I ended up medicated). I used to get in panics like that and would worry that no text meant they'd been hurt or injured or something.

Now I'm mentally healthy again, my brain says "if something bad happened, you would find out somehow". Which is completely accurate.

It's not healthy to need a partner to text you daily because you think if he doesn't, he's been in a car accident. It's not other people's job to soothe your irrational fears.

That said, there's nothing wrong with wanting daily contact in a relationship but that only works if both partners want it. In this case OP's partner doesn't but that doesn't mean he's wrong - just different.

OP, anybody saying that you're right or he is right, or him judging you as being wrong: What rule book are they reading from?

It's their opinion. Their judgment of you. So, another person might think you're a nightmare because you drive a car and it's against their opinion that we should minimise fossil fuel use. Another person might think you're a nightmare because you lie in every morning, and they like to get up and out at 6am. Another person might think you're a nightmare because you shop at Morrisons and they have terrible ethics.

The question here really is, if someone is of the opinion that you are x, why do you believe them, rather than your opinion of whether you are x?

This thread is out of control.

She wants a lot more contact than he does. She has anxiety and needs him to regularly reassure her he’s not dead or seriously injured. He doesn’t want to.

They aren’t on the same page at all.

This relationship will always be uneven - she will always want more than he is willing to give. They will become resentful.

She need to reconsider the relationship, and think about whether her anxiety is influencing her too much.

And people are different - there is no right or wrong level of contact.

The problem her is there is a mismatch in expectations.

Best to have an honest chat now. Is the issue that he’s not in love, or he is madly in love but just doesn’t want to text every night?

I dumped my ex as he was like this, he was a lovely guy but I hated it. You could have an honest chat about it and see how it unfolds and then it may very well end.

People can love each other as much as they like but it doesn’t mean they are compatible.