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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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115 replies

Lemondrizzlegin · 07/08/2021 19:13

How do you cope when your husband has checked out? I am trying so hard to not do the pick me dance, but I'm devastated.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2021 19:17

Do you mean he's having an affair or just emotionally absent?

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 07/08/2021 19:36

Hes told me today he doesn't love me. But it's easier if he stays as he doesn't want to deal with the practical stuff

OP posts:
TheBestCandidateByFar · 07/08/2021 19:37

No idea but that sounds really really hard Thanks

WunWun · 07/08/2021 19:37

Eww Hmm He doesn't really get to make that decision though does he? To stay? I wouldn't let someone stay out of pity.

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 08/08/2021 00:49

Thank you for the replies. It's all a mess. I am devastated. But am now in the wrong for being upset. He's just carrying on as though it's OK for him to say those things. He has done this before and then left for someone else. I literally have no strength to tell him to go

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 08/08/2021 06:19

You are not in the wrong for being upset.
This is entirely his doing.
You shouldn't have got back together.
You should try and turn devastation into practical anger.

If he won't leave then work out how you separate,both go your separate ways, because if nothing else this marriage seems very unbalanced.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 08/08/2021 09:13

Tell him he needs to leave then. You need to take control of your life. You cant be second best til someone else comes along and be happy.

MoiraNotRuby · 08/08/2021 09:16

Splitting up will be hard.
Staying in a bad relationship will be hard.

You need to decide which hard you are going for. I send you strength. I know that feeling of no energy.

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 08/08/2021 09:17

Thank you. You are all so right. It's just so hard. He has worn my emotions out. It's almost like he wants me to tell him to go then he can blame me and keep his Mr perfect character that everyone else sees. This is what happened last time.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 08/08/2021 09:43

If he's said he doesn't love you anymore he can't expect to continue to live together because 'it's easier'! Tell him to leave and take a bit if control back

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/08/2021 13:09

it's easier if he stays as he doesn't want to deal with the practical stuff

Wow. That's fucking cold.

I know you're hurting right now but you need to find your anger. Because dancing around trying to get him to stay will destroy your self esteem (and I'm guessing it's pretty low already? Sounds like his behaviour has ground you down over years.)

Think of a really strong woman who you admire. Who have you said "OMG I wish I was that brave" about? It can be a real person or a fictional one. (I usually go for Brienne of Tarth but with Sandi Toksvig as a backup!) Now ask yourself "In this position, what would X do?" spoiler alert brienne would probably challenge him to a duel then cut his head off

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 08/08/2021 16:24

Smile chopping his head off sounds good!
So I have told him.this afternoon he can't stay because he has no where else to go. Apparently I am now the cause of all of this and I make.him miserable and I am.forcing him to lose everything by forcing him to go

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 08/08/2021 16:25

He has also asked if he goes for me to be thee one to tell the kids

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/08/2021 16:35

Don’t let him come back this time

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 08/08/2021 17:20

Not an option. He has said its divorce this time

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 08/08/2021 20:09

it's easier if he stays as he doesn't want to deal with the practical stuff

You have some agency here. You can big stop him checking out but you can stop him having the easy bits and just not doing the hard stuff. Give him a deadline to move out and claim your life back.

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 08/08/2021 21:09

Just don't know how I will cope on my own at 40 something. I feel like my life is done.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 09/08/2021 04:15

@Lemondrizzlegin

Just don't know how I will cope on my own at 40 something. I feel like my life is done.
It will take some getting used to and you will probably feel overwhelmed for a bit, especially supporting your children through the mental upheaval, but you will be surprised at how many positives you will, eventually, find in your life once he is no longer a weight on your shoulders.

Don't shut yourself away from other people or experiences though. Actively plan things you'd like to do which might have been a problem before and enjoy the feeling. Write down the things you need to accomplish each day and enjoy the, even small, positive of ticking that off each day. Write a list of the pros and cons of the relationship you had/have with him and see how your life and that of your children can change for the better in the future.

Before that, get even more practical by sorting out the legalities (find a good solicitor, maybe through recommendation or via The Law Society's "find a solicitor" option on their website, get a valuation on the house, work out your finances both yours and his - including pensions and take that information with you to your first legal consultation. Check child maintenance he'll need to give you through the CMS website. Knowing your legal and financial position and taking practical steps will help, some way, in dealing with the emotional situations you will go through. Talk to people you trust and who love you - lean on them when you need to. And don't rely on him always being passive or acquiescent- at the end of the day he's not your friend - as he's already begun to show you.

You'll get there, OP, if you ask for help and take good advice and, if necessary, go somewhere quiet and remote and have a good scream to get the adrenaline out!! You can do this!! 🌹

updownroundandround · 09/08/2021 15:07

@Lemondrizzlegin

Yeah, the cutting his 'head' off sounds lovely, doesn't it ? Grin

Be brave. He's the one who has 'ruined' everything, not you !

And 'people' are not stupid, they know it's because he's a cheat that you've 'thrown him out' ffs ! No-one will think it's your fault ! (In fact you'll probably be surprised by just how many 'people' can't stand him, but haven't said so because they didn't want to hurt you Hmm)

Has he physically left the house ? With his crap packed ?

Yes- Bloody excellent ! Today is the beginning of a better life without the prick sabotaging you at every turn !

No- WTF are you waiting for ? Pack him a black bag of his shit and throw it out the bloody door ! The sooner he's left, the quicker you'll feel better ! Him staying after he's cut you to the core emotionally on purpose, just because it's fucking ''easier'' for him ?? No, he leaves now, regardless of how ''inconvenient'' it is for him!

Next, you tell the kids whatever is age appropriate, but don't lie. If they ask for a reason, then tell them ''Sadly, Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore, so he wants to see other ladies.'' Only give them information they ask for, because using DC as pawns destroys them, but lying to them will destroy their trust in you, and they need to be able to trust you.

updownroundandround · 09/08/2021 15:19

OP your life is far from over.

I'd venture to say that once you get over the shock and are more used to it being just you and your DC, you will wonder why the hell you put up with his shit for so long !

Yes, it's a huge shift from what you've become used to , but you have actually become to used to being abused emotionally, that you've forgotten how it feels to feel good about yourself !

You have always been you, but he's kept you beneath his shadow with his wants/needs for so long, it's going to take a few weeks for you to realize that actually, without him, life is bloody good !

You'll be able to do what you want, see who you want, eat what/when you want, wear what you want, watch what you want, bathe when you want, go to bed when you want, get up when you want, take the kids where you want, get home again when you want..............Grin

You'll never need to listen to his smug, self righteous tripe again, never have to squeeze down your feelings because he's hurt you again, never have to clean/cook/wash/iron etc for him again !

There's a whole world of peace/calm/happiness out there for you and your DC to enjoy, without him sucking all the joy from your life !

You will be happy again, and a LOT sooner than you think !

HollowTalk · 09/08/2021 15:19

What an absolute prick he is. There's no point to him being there at all.

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 09/08/2021 15:26

Thank you so much!! Reading all this really helps. He has gone and I'm wrecked. Told me he will always love me. But I have never loved him back in the way he needs and I am losing the best thing I would ever have. That when he looks at me he sees my age (he is younger than me) and he was never comfortable being seen out with me..

Am currently in my pjs watching Disney plus with the kids, trying not to crumble

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/08/2021 17:24

He sounds horrible
You’re much better without him

reader12 · 09/08/2021 19:55

Horrible man! You will be so much happier and feel so much lighter when he’s gone and everything is sorted.

PostmanSplat · 09/08/2021 20:00

He is not the best thing you will ever have. You won’t be able to see it yet, but there is a positive and amazing future ahead of you once you are rid of this millstone around your neck

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