Hey there, just checking in!! Believe me, I'm no hero, and I wouldn't have got through it without my mates and siblings.
I tried to pretend that I was addressing a petulant child rather than my XH, and that helped (so no shouting/screaming/swearing and no getting into stupid arguments). I refused to take the bait from him on anything that might descend into an argument. Any text messages were polite and to the point. I didn't engage in anything to do with divorce/finances etc with him, and always said that I would be guided by my solicitor (or that I would consider it and take advice). In short, I wanted to look and stay whiter than white and be completely polite and reasonable (think when you see a toddler on the floor having a screaming tantrum....whilst you stand there looking at them quietly until they calm down - bit of a weird analogy, but it worked for me). I also pretended that any email or text message might one day be read by my solicitor or a Judge. So I didn't want to start effing and blinding (even though I did feel like it), and I never slagged him off in front of the kids (I defo did with my mates though!!)....they twigged his attitude fast enough.
A positive thing about this was that it bugged the crap out of XH. I refused to engage in or carry on conversations if he started shouting, swearing, being threatening etc....or if it wasn't something pertinent to the children. I even would hang up on him (after a polite warning to stop shouting or swearing down the phone at me) - he never expected that.
You're going to do just great. Wear whatever the hell you like!! If he dares comment on what you look like just ignore it. Keep conversation to children and the weather. That's it.
Has he got with someone already (you mentioned "her")?! Ahhh, that will make sense of all his shitty behaviour. It's why he's all of a sudden re-writing history and blaming you for all the issues in the marriage (rather than just him). It's weird isn't it? He knew your age, what you looked like etc when he met you, and certainly when he married you. Well, I'm assuming that's the case, and you didn't kidnap him, keep him blindfolded and under lock and key for years, then force him under gunpoint to marry you....oh and force him to have kids with you. Yet all of a sudden it's suddenly suuuuch an issue to him, and he's suffered all these years and it's sooooo uncomfortable for him...boohoo. MN folk are often right with the phrase "cherchez la femme". What a cockwomble.
I think these scummy guys all follow a script. Honestly, you should do a lotto thing with your mates on it: what dickish crap will he come out with/do next (I did this with my mates):
-he fucks off citing all these problems/his suffering for years with you (weirdly, never mentioned any of this shit before).
-PA-CHING!!! OW pops up out of the undergrowth.
-you forced him to live this awful life pre-OW, never let him do anything etc. (I didn't know I had the power to control other people - apparently I did. Wow, who knew?! If that was the case, I made a somewhat piss poor show of controlling him - weird how I forced him to take drugs and drink on the sly, be abusive towards me, not work, do fuck all about the house, fuck off on whims, make him end up getting nicked, trash the house, crash my car, drink drive when driving my children etc etc. But yeah, anyway, I magically made him do all that).
-OW understands him better than anyone and it's true love blah blah blah. [But Readers(!), would you believe that OW had similar powers to me (he magically continued the behaviours when he was with her!!!!)]
-you're the evil devil incarnate who never let him do x/y/z, live his best life etc.
-you're trying to screw him for money (this was hilarious - I was the breadwinner).
-you're trying to take his kids away/turn them against him (errr no, your alcohol/drugs and abuse kinda did that one).
DING DING, FULL HOUSE!!
Anyway, please know that we are here for you. We are listening. When the kids go, stick on some awesome music and belt out some awesome songs. Dance about the house, pamper yourself, watch cool movies (esp ones he hated but you loved), maybe meet a mate for a coffee....or get a filthy takeout lunch for yourself. Don't you ever let him put you down. He's pond scum and you will come through this. xxxx