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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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115 replies

Lemondrizzlegin · 07/08/2021 19:13

How do you cope when your husband has checked out? I am trying so hard to not do the pick me dance, but I'm devastated.

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 09/08/2021 20:09

Good god... He sounds like a fucking asshole.

You are so much better without this absolute prick dragging you down. Chin up lady - today is the start of the rest of your life x

DiscoGlitterBall · 09/08/2021 20:11

Bloody hell he is an almighty head fuck. It’s tough today but you’ll move from devistation to anger in no time. He wants his cake and eat it, or you do all the life admin and he can coast along but not contribute. Fuck that, your life will be so much liter without him. You’ll be the one in control.

I imagine you confidence had been eroded over the years if that’s his outlook. You can move on, get your confidence back, regain your happiness and live your life for you and the kids. I promise there will be a time when you will love life and wonder why you ever felt devastated.

DismantledKing · 09/08/2021 20:13

Fucking hell, he’s horrible.

MrsBobDylan · 09/08/2021 20:35

Wow he is so purposely cruel. He is also thick, as his insults are crudely inconsistent.

His ego is not inline with his value as a human being. He appears to treasure himself.

One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty, is he isn't the 'best thing' that will ever happen to you. He is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.

Alcemeg · 09/08/2021 20:43

@Lemondrizzlegin

Told me he will always love me. But I have never loved him back in the way he needs and I am losing the best thing I would ever have. That when he looks at me he sees my age (he is younger than me) and he was never comfortable being seen out with me.

explains your other post:
Just don't know how I will cope on my own at 40 something. I feel like my life is done.

No wonder you're paranoid!

Ugh, he sounds horrid. Personally, my life only really got started in my mid-40s so it's awful to hear you writing yourself off. Don't let him twist life out of shape for you like this. Good riddance to his poisonous influence! Flowers

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 10/08/2021 13:42

Bad day today. Just want him here. Miss him.

OP posts:
TicTac80 · 10/08/2021 13:52

He sounds vile. Firstly, he says he doesn't love you....then apparently he'll always love you. But he only sees your age and isn't comfortable being seen out with you. Oh but he's the best thing that will happen to you?! He can GTF. What a dick!

Single mum here, 41, 2DC. 2yrs on from splitting with now XH, 5m on from divorce. It gets easier I promise. And your life is definitely not done! I know you won't feel that at the moment. Just take each day as it comes, and make sure you get all the support you need for yourself and the kids. xx

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 10/08/2021 14:42

Thanks tictac80
Feel lonely, no one too talk too. Can't eat. Little one being naughty understandabley

OP posts:
Livandme · 10/08/2021 15:13

Right op. This "man" is not worthy of you.
Dust yourself off, prepare to get ready to ride a tough ride sorting all this out. But know things will be easier in time.
I can't say when, but it will.
I've had a tough 2 years, some really bad days but every day is a day further down the road to peace.

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 10/08/2021 15:29

Just so upset someone else gets his best life and all the nice and I get nothing.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 10/08/2021 15:39

@Lemondrizzlegin

The uncaring person he's just recently shown you is the person he really is. If it wasn't he would have behaved far more respectfully to you.

I'm sure the next woman who comes along will see the person he used to be with you in the beginning, but he will, surely, revert to type.

Because this is who he really is. 🌹

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 10/08/2021 15:46

Thank you for all your kind msgs. I really feel alone as I am isolated from anyone in R.L I have no friends really

OP posts:
JengaCupboard · 10/08/2021 15:56

I know it feels like your world is ending and you'll never feel better. I know it feels like physical pain and rejection and complete destruction of confidence and self esteem. But as somebody who has been through very similar after having been married to a lying, cheating, arrogant narcissistic cockwomble for far longer than recommended, I can categorically assure you that you will be better, probably actually better than you have been for years with this oppressive arse.

I can also guarantee you that he is not the best thing you will ever have; in fact the total opposite. He's offensive and unimaginative with his hurtful remarks. I'm sure he looks like Tom Hardy after all.

Sack this loser off. He doesn't love you, fine, you can't make him. But what he could be was respectful and he can't be arsed with that either. He is showing you who he is, take note.

Re-group, re-build and move on. Every time you feel lonely and sad, think about how lonely and sad and unappreciated and hurt and rejected he has made you feel previously. Focus on the reality and not on the rose tinted version your brain tries to paint for you. One day at a time.

I am nearing 2 years on from where you are now. My life honestly is 1000% better than it had been for the 2-3 years predating our separation. People comment on me being like a 'totally different person'. It's like a weight has been lifted, almost literally. It took me about 6 months to level out initially but it can only get better, and it will.

TicTac80 · 10/08/2021 16:47

I didn’t read properly the bit where you said that he’d left before for someone else. Disgusting vile man. Seriously, he’s doing you such a favour. He’s showing you exactly the type of person he is.

I know I didn’t feel that when XH left (fucked off with OW), but he did me a favour...and within 6months, they’d split and he crawled back to me begging for another chance (I declined). Sure, I loved and missed the person I wanted my XH to be/the guy he had been when we got married, but he’d turned into a different guy.

But now, I’m honestly happy, my home is a peaceful one. Sure it’s hard juggling things as a single parent, but I won’t have it any other way. The final years of us being together were awful. I’d stay single forever than have to live that sort of hell again. No more verbal abuse, lying, gaslighting, going AWOL, no more me being scared etc etc etc. It’s bloody wonderful!

Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to? Any school mums or people you know? keep talking to us here, we are listening xx

layladomino · 10/08/2021 18:16

You deserve so much better than him. You are too good for him. He's had an affair in the past and left you for someone else? He tells you he doesn't love you and you're too old to be seen out with? Then he tells you he'll always love you and he's the best thing you'll ever have? He doesn't even make sense!

You are so much better off without him. You are far from old and if you want another relationship there is plenty of time for that. And believe me, most men are better than that sorry specimen! In the meantime, embrace being single, not having to worry about what he's going to do or say to upset you next. Cuddling up with your DCs in front of the telly. Living life your way.

You will get stronger. It isn't easy but your life will be much better than if you'd stayed with him. Please stay strong and only communciate with him about the DC. Don't get drawn in to anything else. He'll want to see you begging him to come back, and then you'll lose a bit more self respect and he'll feel he was right that he was the best thing ever and you're lucky to have him (!)

Alcemeg · 10/08/2021 19:05

This is not meant as a gloat, just as reassurance. My husband is about 9 centuries younger than me and doesn't give a shit. He'd say any man who is more concerned with age and packaging than the actual content is a fool. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this man spoil your happiness. He didn't "get" you properly, but someone will. And you're not going to find him while moping over this one. Flowers

TicTac80 · 10/08/2021 22:00

I actually think that you’re the best thing that happened to him. Stupid sod just hasn’t realised that yet. Don’t wait around for him to realise that. He’s not worth it and he'll grind you into the floor with all his nonsense and to-ing and fro-ing. you’re worth more than that and bloody well deserve more than that. Xx

Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 11/08/2021 01:45

Have managed 3 hours sleep. Now worrying about puck up of DC at weekend, not that he has contacted me. But he did say he would see the at weekend. Last time he would ignore me for weeks on collection and that really hurt. Or would purposely come all dressed up looking his best.

OP posts:
remainsofthesummer · 11/08/2021 03:17

I have nothing helpful to add but I really hate your husband. You sound so lovely and don’t deserve this. Take your revenge by living your best life and kick him out

Onthedunes · 11/08/2021 03:19

This is a cruel man.

He sounds narcissistic, read up on this op it may help you to understand what motivates his evil streak.
He has ground you down and has no remorse for that, it appears he enjoys it. You have lost sight of who you are, a mother, a wife, someone who should be respected and appreciated. I'm very sorry you had the misfortune to be involved with someone as hateful as this.

It happens, but you must begin to see that he has made you feel less than. Please believe there are many people out there who are not twats.
None of this is your fault, he's a bastard, he truly is, how someone can rub your face in your obvious hurt is beyond me.

I hope you find your anger, it will take time, after being continually kicked in the stomach by him, get a solicitor and try to sort the financials out first.
You sound so tired, so rest first and then slowly make a plan to regain a little bit of control back, that will only happen when you start to make decisions, I think he is purposely keeping you down to avoid you making any moves which will affect him financially.

Has he ever been aggresive? Phone the police if he becomes unreasonable.

Look after yourself op and keep posting.
You have spent too long being abused by this monster.

Flowers
Original poster
Lemondrizzlegin · 11/08/2021 07:41

Feel an overwhelming sense of blame today. That I should have done more to make him happy. He called me the icequeen on a daily basis so maybe I just needed to be more affectionate and it would have been fine

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 11/08/2021 11:42

@Lemondrizzlegin

Just because he called you nasty names, doesn't mean it was ever true !

I'll bet he's spent years putting you down, insulting you and making you think you should feel 'lucky' to have him Hmm

Men who do this already know that if he didn't keep you 'down' and 'on edge' and 'upset' by doing nasty things every bloody day, sometimes 'obviously' and sometimes more 'subtly', but always 'chipping' away at your confidence, you'd have realized long ago that it's you who are far too good for him !

It was always done on 'purpose', and he 'zero'd in' on your 'insecurities' at the very beginning of the relationship, and has continually drip, drip, dripped his poison steadily ever since.

It is always done to deliberately make you lose confidence in your looks, your sense of 'reality' and in your judgement and abilities. None of it was ever true !

Imagine you're hearing your story from a friend.............she's always saying it's her fault that her H 'doesn't love her', it's her fault her H went off shagging another woman, it's her fault he's 'embarrassed' to be 'seen out' with her, it's her fault that her marriage has broken down, it's her fault that she couldn't 'love him how he needed' etc etc

Are you seeing just how impossible that whole scenario is ?? Hmm
How on earth could everything he says or does always be her fault ?? I mean seriously ?

Unless she actually had her hand shoved up his arse like a bloody glove puppet, controlling his every thought, speech and actions, how the actual hell could it be all HER fault ?? It's impossible !

I know you still have feelings for him, but you must put that to one side, because your kids deserve better as well as you So if you're still struggling with a self destructive desire to hang onto this sad and toxic 'relationship', think about how your children deserve a happy home and a happy Mum, and they could never have that with him !

Onthedunes · 11/08/2021 12:41

@updownroundandround

What updown says is so true. This man is poisonous.

TicTac80 · 11/08/2021 16:42

Bloody vile tosser! He got you right where I was. Apparently it my fault that my ex was an addict. Like you, I didn’t do x/y/z. Well guess what? IF I had that much bloody control over another person (I wish!), would I have turned them into an abusive, morally defective, addict and adulterer? Errr no…I would have turned him into a decent, respectful, sober/clean man, who loved his family and cared for them.

You’re as responsible for your STBXHs disgusting behaviour as I was for my XHs behaviour.

Maze76 · 11/08/2021 19:00

My hubs did the same to me. He left after our miscarriage for someone he works with. I did not see it coming. He became a totally different person. Almost two years on, I’m finally starting to feel myself. You can’t see it now, but you will find you again. Yes, you will have days where your body is overcome with grief and you will howl with pain. This is normal and part of the healing process. The best advice I can give is just to take each day as it comes. You have got this!