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[Lemondrizzlegin]

How do you cope when your husband has checked out? I am trying so hard to not do the pick me dance, but I'm devastated.

Sounds like u had a tough tough time TicTac80, but you have such strength I admire you.
He messaged today saying he would have kids at weekend as I probably needed time to settle myself and my head and had I considered getting signed off work if I wasn't coping

Wow Maze that is awful, how on earth do you get over that? Do you still have to see him? This is my main concern at the moment. As last time he rubbed his best life in my face

Think of a really strong woman who you admire. Who have you said "OMG I wish I was that brave" about? It can be a real person or a fictional one. (I usually go for Brienne of Tarth but with Sandi Toksvig as a backup!) Now ask yourself "In this position, what would X do?"

Just re-posting this from a pp as I think it’s exactly what you need to do before seeing him at the weekend. Also, he asked if you had considered getting signed off work? What a patronising prick! Does he want to think you’re not coping without him or is this leading to a way of trying to get full/more custody of the DC?

The more I read about your STBXH, the more I hate him. And yes, it was a bloody hard, horrible time for me. But things are a lot better now. He got so abusive/nasty/scary that I ended up involving the police and having to go to court for a PSO (awesome judge also ordered a CAO be done at same time, yay!). He started behaving a LOT better after that and now we do actually get on ok. But back then, I had to make very clear boundaries on what I would and wouldn’t stand for. He never thought I’d stand up to him, and not take him back etc….and he thought he’d be able to be forgiven for all his shit (because that’s what I used to do).

This isn’t going to be easy for you (old habits are hard to shift), but try and grey rock him. So keep things very polite, to the point and just on practical things e.g. to do with the kids. Keep stuff to text or email, and use it as a paper trail so to speak. Pretend that whatever you/he writes, a judge might one day read the messages. So polite, to the point etc. If nothing else, it will bug him as you’re not taking the bait. He’s got no right knowing your business anymore.

Whilst he’s not living there, get hold of financial info, copies of important paperwork etc, for your records. Will be handy when you see a solicitor. Don’t let him know that you’re doing that.

Re: kids. Don’t let him take the piss. Make sure you give specific pick up/drop off times and days etc.

Oh and I was a right bloody mess in the early days. Lost a ton of weight, couldn’t eat/sleep etc. Crying all the time (well when the kids weren’t about). Then I found my anger. Now I pity him, as I know he’s burned bridges with so many people and it’s all down to his shitty behaviour (and not just how he was with me). I always think the first 6m to a year are the hardest. But as time gets on, you start to find yourself more

Wish you were here in real life tictac80!!!

Awake at 2am.. now worrying about it being his bday next week and what to do. If I ignore it it will be another thing to blame me for.

So what if he blames you, OP? it genuinely doesn't matter. The people who love you don't blame you, they are the ones that matter - actually no, the main thing that matters is that you know that you didn't cause any of this, you are a good person, a kind person, and he's behaved appallingly. It totally doesn't matter if he blames you for every bad thing that has happened since the beginning of time - he's talking shite to make himself feel better and because he's a permanent victim.

@Lemondrizzlegin

Sounds like u had a tough tough time TicTac80, but you have such strength I admire you. He messaged today saying he would have kids at weekend as I probably needed time to settle myself and my head and had I considered getting signed off work if I wasn't coping

Wow he's enjoying imagining you in pieces, unable to cope with life because Prince Charming here fucked off.

He really is a nasty, big headed twat. You'll see this in time, and wonder what you were doing fawning after him for so long.

Op, I have been in your situation. Do NOTHING for his birthday. He has controlled and manipulated you to the point you believe yourself at fault. You're NOT! I can categorically tell you you are better off without him and indifference is your best way forward. HE IS NOT worthy of you.

These first early days are going to be overwhelming. But I promise you, you'll find courage you didn't know you had.
You'll soon be looking back wondering why the hell you didn't get shot of this cruel man sooner.
At the moment you're in shock. And that's understandable.
But I bet you'll do what PP said, and find your anger. Then there'll be no stopping you.
Cry, let it all out - not in front of him - then start working out what YOU need.
Don't commit/agree to anything with him till you have your head straight and know where you stand legally and financially.
Post as much as you want here for support and advice. There are heaps of really kind, wise women on here who'll be happy to just listen or signpost you to practical help if necessary.
You are going to be ok. I promise.

Let the kids give him a card. You give him nothing.

Had an OK afternoon. Been to the park with the kids. Mornings and late in the evening seem to be worse for me. Have managed to eat today as well.
Everyone here has been amazing. And have given me some great advice. I am still dreading Saturday pick up. Do you think it would be OK to send the kids to the door themselves? So I don't have to talk to him

@Lemondrizzlegin

God op, we can all see how he is manipulating you, you are thinking about the menutia of the situation ie: his birthday, worrying about his pick up, you are in the thick of it.

His birthday doesn't matter, it is of no consequense to you now, this is a man who has told you he does not love you.

The joke is op that he does not love anyone, he is not capable of love ..........infatuation, lust, greed, selfishness and egotism is his game.

He is holding you on a string, he may come back if things don't work out, he may not but he will let you know this is not in your control. His concern for you going through a mental breakdown is entirely to keep you pining for this man night and day.

You must look at the bigger picture, he is an evil cunt, @TicTac80 understands this, you either be compliant and stfu in the background of his life or you willfully grey rock and go NC for real.
@TicTac80 did this and found herself in full view of the real man whose mask had completely fallen, God knows what hell he inflicted on her, for her deciding to end his abuse towards her.

She realised then the true abuse started and I'm in awe that she found her strength to go to court and not back down. She is an inspiration.

Op you cannot see how vile this particular human being is, many have not been through it but I can see this man is not to be trusted in anyway, he is cruel, vindictive and very dangerous.

Don't get to the point where you see his true reveal, it is under there waiting to come out and I honestly fear for you.

Please try to cut the cord and move away as quietly as possible from this narcisistic man.

He has already put you through so much but believe me it can become far worse to the point where you may be in danger.
It's a trap, some men when they loose control of you, the family, children, finances, the things which normal men understand have to be sorted after divorce do not take kindly to giving up anything, just because they have decided to discard you and move on, they wan't it all.

Keep posting, you are deeply in love with this man I know, but he is not who you think he is.
I am pleased you are listening to other posters, arm yourself with knowledge.

x

What stands out for me op is his ease of telling you he is humiliated in going out in public with you and then after, offering support to help you cope with his dicard of you. He is rubbing it in that he is not affected by this separation and he is twisting the knife in, he is revelling in your weakness.

He is psychologically twisted, psychological abusive and I would not trust this man not to become pysically abusive.

You have been conditioned and that is going to take time to undo, I wish there were de-conditioing centres for women who have had such abuse.

Advice needed ladies.. he messaged last night with a maintenance proposal.. however he has 2 jobs and I think he has only calculated the amount on his main job. How do I make sure I get the right deal.for the kids

Go to the child maintenance service. Let them do it all

Good morning. Just read all your post. How awful for you, he sounds abusive.
I highly recommend a good solicitor, and keep communication with him to a minimum.

@Lemondrizzlegin

Advice needed ladies.. he messaged last night with a maintenance proposal.. however he has 2 jobs and I think he has only calculated the amount on his main job. How do I make sure I get the right deal.for the kids

You get professional advice from someone who sorts this stuff out day in, day out. You don't engage in any attempt from him to do this informally, because that's how you get a crap deal. You communicate formally, iin writing.

Sorry, but if you engage in any informal discussions with him about this he will take advantage of your desire to be amicable. You need someone who can be tough on your behalf when you don't feel up to it.

Exhausted today. Just feel lonely and empty. Dreading the collection tomorrow, remember how it was last time, he was either nice or nasty I never knew which. I remember one time he was nice paid me a compliment then rang as soon as he left to say I had purposely made myself look nice to play with head and that he shouldn't have said anything nice to me

Go via the cms for child maint and tell them he has two incomes.

As for hand over, don't talk to him unless it's about the dc. If he pays you a compliment ignore it. If he rings and says something similar to last time, respond with 'do you have anything lying tell me about the dc? No. Ok bye'

He sounds nuts!

He is an emotional abuser. I'm not surprised you are struggling and don't know which way is up he has been playing you for years

Life will get better.

Ask the DC to make him a homemade card for his birthday you don't need to do more

Aw honey, I'm just reading this thread. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Your husband has been very cruel, manipulative and Gaslights you (which is a form of abuse too)...
I know you feel low and lost just now, but try talking to yourself the way you would advise or comfort a friend. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you would show a friend compassion and kindness and that's what you deserve. Also consider what a fantastic example you are showing your children, it is not OK for a partner to treat their partner the way your husband treated you. You have given him plenty of chances and he did horrible things, you went above and beyond. I truly believe in 20 years time if your child was going through something similar your would tell them that even though it's really hard, it will be difficult for some time, however the best thing is to separate.
I would also suggest setting up a Google calendar(or similar) - to put in drop off times and pick up days times, school events etc and who is taking the kid to the dentist or activities etc... Make sure this is separate from your own calandar-dont let him have any power or knowledge on your whereabouts.
I think if your kids are primary school age , having them fully ready, coats on, bag packed. Say your goodbyes and hugs behind the closed door and when he arrives they can meet him at the car or open the door and let them go to him, a polite hi and bye is more than enough - avoid talking. Only allow texts regarding the kids. And dont reply if it's anything like you looked good today, or any mean stuff. If he is stupid enough to email, text mean stuff take screenshots (never reply and never tell him that) if he ever says anything that intimidates you contact the police. That is a crime. Also screenshot it and never give him anything to use against you.
You said you don't have any friends, but you have friends here. School will be back soon, consider inviting other mums round for a play date and wine. If there isn't a WhatsApp parent group you could try to reach out to a few mums you may know and start a chat. Even if it's just to say I'm taking my kids to the park today, anyone free to join.... I swear the not having friends in real life is so common. Us mums seem to put everyones else life ahead of our own. I have a couple of friends I see every now and again, but also going through a tough time in my marriage and have kids... I recently forced myself to do coffee/play date with them. It was only surface chat but was so good to laugh, chat and not deal with the heavy stuff.... If your not up to face to face things, consider an online book club or look up event bright (think that's what's its called) it has so many groups, clubs, talks online - there is also ones that lawyers put on to help you understand the separation process and how to co-parent effectively (I signed up for that).... Also there are loads more due to covid... Most are free.
Most of all look after yourself, be kind to yourself, if his mean words pop into your head bat them away because He is wrong, not you. Have a cry when you need to, sleep, eat (what you can), stay hydrated. You will have good moments again.
Love and strength to you and your kids x

You’re not left with nothing, he is. You’ve already got the best of him in your children.

Good riddance. he sounds like a complete knob! Tell him to jog on...

@Thestruggleisreal21

Lovely post.