How many here are single, open to meeting someone but not doing OLD?

[TossaCoinToYerWitcher]

Just wondered. As a single bloke, it often seems that if you're not doing OLD you're missing out on meeting the right person, as that'll be where any single person looking for a relationship will be. But maybe that's not the case?

[quote 66babe]@ChloeAndRadcliffe of course it is ! There's nothing I would like more than to find my soulmate but I'm realistic enough to appreciate it may never happen .. however I'm not going to start knitting in my cardie whilst my 28 cats rub along my tartan slippers , I'm going to try and make the most of myself ... and if I ever lock eyes with someone " interesting " over a frozen fish finger aisle .. I'll see if he has a brother for you? ☺️[/quote]
Fair enough! I'm definitely not sitting at home on my own, but it would be nice to at least have the option of somebody else joining me on my days out, so do send any frozen food aficionados' brothers my way if you encounter any.

[quote Hedgesfullofbirds]@earlynightforme - may I jump in and answer your question from my male perspective please? And I am not a parent either, for context.

The reason I hang out on Mumsnet is yes, exactly that - the conversation is usually much more intelligent, reasoned, less littered with unneccessary expletives, I am unlikely to be addressed as 'bud', 'mate' or, even worse, 'm8' as is often the case on male dominated forums, topics are much more interesting and I can post threads or contribute to those which interest me,(usually gardening, rural living, creative writing or history), without even needing to reveal my sex (or gender, not sure which these days), as it is of no relevance.

And it allows me to have vicarious, virtual friendships with likeminded people, all anonymously.

Sorry, not really pertinent to the topic under discussion😳[/quote]
@Hedgesfullofbirds Yes you may! Thanks for answering - can you answer Magenta's post too? if the women here want to meet emotionally literate, emotionally mature men who want a real life relationship with the opposite sex, where do they go?!

My theory is get out to activities you enjoy, and where you are likely to get to talk to other people? And being clear about what you are looking for in terms of character, as well as attraction.

How many men are out there looking for real relationship, I wonder.

How do you feel about the type casting of all men in some areas of mumsnet?

@ChloeAndRadcliffe 🤣 will do please return the favour
I'd like him to be 52-58 , not a knob and smell nice 😂

No fish fingers will be harmed in this venture

I'd love to be approached in real life but that hasn't happened for years! To be honest I think the sort of men you want to approach don't and the sort you don't want to approach do.

@Roblox01 thanks for replying. I used to love running. Maybe I will take it up again once I can escape the house more easily in the evenings.

On your other point, perhaps I phrased it wrongly but striking up a conversation with a woman you find superficially attractive to get to know them a bit, do you think that is very forward and something men are reluctant to do? I don't understand why you say the type of man I described would not do this, maybe that is the problem. If someone interests you surely it's natural to talk to them, find out more about them and see if a spark develops?

[quote 66babe]@ChloeAndRadcliffe 🤣 will do please return the favour
I'd like him to be 52-58 , not a knob and smell nice 😂

No fish fingers will be harmed in this venture [/quote]
Might be a tall order judging by what I've seen on OLD (the "not being a knob" part is the sticking point) but I'll see what I can do. I'd have to have the younger brother, as my range is 38-48...

[quote MagentaPolkadots]@Roblox01 thanks for replying. I used to love running. Maybe I will take it up again once I can escape the house more easily in the evenings.

On your other point, perhaps I phrased it wrongly but striking up a conversation with a woman you find superficially attractive to get to know them a bit, do you think that is very forward and something men are reluctant to do? I don't understand why you say the type of man I described would not do this, maybe that is the problem. If someone interests you surely it's natural to talk to them, find out more about them and see if a spark develops? [/quote]
It's hard to generalise so I wouldn't worry about it that much, it's probably more specific to myself and others that are more introverted (the quiet guys as we're often told).

I think my observation would be that the kind of man that is respectful and has his life in order (or as much as you can with kids post separation, work, own place etc) is likely to be more self conscious in nature. Hence he's going to weigh up whether that nice chat is someone being friendly or possibly more. There can be a fallout from getting that wrong.
For all its faults the OLD world at least strips out that part.

I think that what @Roblox01 says applies to women who are in a similar situation/introverted too. The stakes are higher if you have dc as you don't want them affected by fallout, and I think (I might be wrong) that most people would want to get to know someone before inviting romance, finding someone attractive doesn't really tell you anything other than the fact that you find them attractive. I'd prefer to get to know someone casually over a period of weeks before considering anything else, so that would mean seeing someone regularly outside work.

I read an article recently, I think in psychologytoday, about how it is important to see people with other people, and with their friends, to get a decent judgement about what they are really like, before falling for them, and I thought that was good advice.

The problem with OLD is that it is really hard to get any sense of all that just from a profile, and you are also potentially laying yourself open to not great experiences, it is a risk.

I might be talking tosh though. There are some success stories out there.

That's so true, about seeing people with other people. So it's far from tosh imo!

If I'd met my xbf online I would have thought he was a bit gruff to be honest but having worked with him for over a year before we got together, I knew that he never, ever said anything sexist, and he was always helpful no matter how busy he was, to everybody. I knew he never blew smoke up anybody's ass but everybody thought well of him. (We grew apart during covid, we're not together.)

But how could you ever know what somebody was really like just by the way they treat you. They either want to sleep with you or impress you or keep you on the bench while they keep an eye out elsewhere... The way they treat you is linked to what they want from you. They way they treat acquaintances is more of the picture.

Can I join in? I'm 34, and terminally single. I have 4 DC, 2 of which have a wide variety of additional needs.

I'm fully aware that the choices I've made in life have led me to this point but it doesn't mean I don't wish I could have a small wiff of something meaningful.

I've just had a crap OLD experience

Within 3 weeks the seemingly nice normal man told me he was in love with me.

As soon as I looked at him like this - he went cold.

I'm mid 40's. I'm slim blond and pretty and brainy.

Contrary to what may be popular opinion, men don't like this combination. I get hardly any likes OLD and those I like never like me back.

My theory is the single men my age and of the same level of attractiveness and intelligence have already had a relationship with a woman like me (their ex wife) and now they are playing kid in a candy shop chasing women 10 years younger. And having a lot of sex easily.

I don't want that. I don't get picked. I do get 20 somethings trying it on and also men of a very very different level of attractiveness (without meaning to sound boastful, much lower) are the only ones who like me which I don't understand either.

I only bother once a year in the summer. That's me done now for another year.

Oh and I tried Elite. There aren't enough people on there don't bother.

@grandmashotdoodlebugs

I've just had a crap OLD experience

Within 3 weeks the seemingly nice normal man told me he was in love with me.

As soon as I looked at him like this - he went cold.

I'm mid 40's. I'm slim blond and pretty and brainy.

Contrary to what may be popular opinion, men don't like this combination. I get hardly any likes OLD and those I like never like me back.

My theory is the single men my age and of the same level of attractiveness and intelligence have already had a relationship with a woman like me (their ex wife) and now they are playing kid in a candy shop chasing women 10 years younger. And having a lot of sex easily.

I don't want that. I don't get picked. I do get 20 somethings trying it on and also men of a very very different level of attractiveness (without meaning to sound boastful, much lower) are the only ones who like me which I don't understand either.

I only bother once a year in the summer. That's me done now for another year.

Oh and I tried Elite. There aren't enough people on there don't bother.

This is sadly so true. Lots of men do not like intelligent women, even more so if you also happen to be successful and attractive. It's really sad that they want to be in relationships with a weird power dynamic rather than with someone who is their equal.

@earlynightforme

I think that what *@Roblox01* says applies to women who are in a similar situation/introverted too. The stakes are higher if you have dc as you don't want them affected by fallout, and I think (I might be wrong) that most people would want to get to know someone before inviting romance, finding someone attractive doesn't really tell you anything other than the fact that you find them attractive. I'd prefer to get to know someone casually over a period of weeks before considering anything else, so that would mean seeing someone regularly outside work.

I read an article recently, I think in psychologytoday, about how it is important to see people with other people, and with their friends, to get a decent judgement about what they are really like, before falling for them, and I thought that was good advice.

The problem with OLD is that it is really hard to get any sense of all that just from a profile, and you are also potentially laying yourself open to not great experiences, it is a risk.

I might be talking tosh though. There are some success stories out there.

There's so much truth in this as well. But men don't seem to make an effort to speak to women IRL so that this process of getting to know someone and seeing if an attraction develops can even begin.

Sorry for the thread derailment but can I ask for a female perspective.

I dated someone for 6 months or so over covid. Difficult with various lockdowns etc. We decided to go our own ways earlier in year. Completely amicably and due to us not being sure if it would work (we want similar things but in different timeframes).

Anyway we were chatting other day. Neither of us have a current interest. She has a friend that's interested but from what I can tell that isn't going anywhere.

She's invited me to a day out later in year (just two of us). At face value I think she's being friendly but at the same time I'm pretty she wouldn't be asking If I was dating someone.

Any thoughts?

Eight years single. Wouldn’t do OLD. Not overly fussed about meeting anyone though.

@Roblox01

I would say she's been friendly and just planned a nice day out with a friend

You are correct if you were seeing someone it would be less appropriate even if only friendship based

Or

She could still be holding a torch and maintaining the contact to see if you can match up those timelines

[quote 66babe]@Roblox01

I would say she's been friendly and just planned a nice day out with a friend

You are correct if you were seeing someone it would be less appropriate even if only friendship based

Or

She could still be holding a torch and maintaining the contact to see if you can match up those timelines

[/quote]
Thanks. My female friend said the same pretty much

I've been reading this thread for a bit as I'm separated (will kick divorce off in Sept as 2 years) and at some point might like to meet someone else......

I just really CBA with the whole OLD thing as I've seen what friends experiences have been and none of it seems appealing 😫

My job is in a very male dominated environment and yet I've still never met anyone at work that I think I'd have any interest in at all. So maybe I'm destined to be single.

Also I don't think I have time for it - a full on FT job, 2 DC, a dog (plus 2 cats and 2 Guineas pigs but they're no bother) and lots of friends. But equally I don't think I want to be a lonely spinster when the DC leave home........

So I'll stay here for a bit and read peoples thoughts and perceptions!!!

Stbxh has had three mini relationships since we've separated (all from OLD) although were still living together 🤨. I do think women are from Venus and men are from Mars as I couldn't even contemplate this.

@Roblox01

Sorry for the thread derailment but can I ask for a female perspective.

I dated someone for 6 months or so over covid. Difficult with various lockdowns etc. We decided to go our own ways earlier in year. Completely amicably and due to us not being sure if it would work (we want similar things but in different timeframes).

Anyway we were chatting other day. Neither of us have a current interest. She has a friend that's interested but from what I can tell that isn't going anywhere.

She's invited me to a day out later in year (just two of us). At face value I think she's being friendly but at the same time I'm pretty she wouldn't be asking If I was dating someone.

Any thoughts?

As it's later in the year I'd say it's just as friends

@Roblox01

Sorry for the thread derailment but can I ask for a female perspective.

I dated someone for 6 months or so over covid. Difficult with various lockdowns etc. We decided to go our own ways earlier in year. Completely amicably and due to us not being sure if it would work (we want similar things but in different timeframes).

Anyway we were chatting other day. Neither of us have a current interest. She has a friend that's interested but from what I can tell that isn't going anywhere.

She's invited me to a day out later in year (just two of us). At face value I think she's being friendly but at the same time I'm pretty she wouldn't be asking If I was dating someone.

Any thoughts?

Are you interested still, do you think you could marry up timeframes a bit with her? Because if you are I think that the only way you will know is to ask her?! I know we are all brought up to second guess or play games or hop around on one foot with a hand behind our back when it comes to relationships, but it seems to me that the only enduring successful relationships which you read about on here are those where two people are not only on the same page, but also the same paragraph, word and letter

Of course you might not be interested..in which case just ignore me going off on one (too much lemonade...)...

It could be either on her part, for sure.

Nope, OLD is something I have yet to master! Single for 5yrs and as mentioned by others being a sole lone parent is tough. I get as far as describe yourself or the sort of person you'd like and I give up! I'm just not very good at that sort of thing or my heart just isn't in it🤷‍♀️

Very interesting thread, I’m 51, single, good job etc, but since lockdown I been a WFH person, in pretty much a full male work environment, my hobbies are pretty much male as my friends are, so my normal daily chances of meeting any suitable dates in daily life are pretty much zero, if I did even meet anyone, I think I’d be pretty reticent at starting up any kind of conversation in case it would seemed as inappropriate or unwanted interaction, so OLD is has too be, at least in that environment I can safely begin an interaction.
I contacted a few, some ignored me, some instantly blocked me, one sent a reply saying she didn’t like my profile and wasn’t sure if she wanted to reply or not ! (How odd as that was a reply), all around my age and educational level,
Anyhow have kinda met someone and she seems nice so far…

@SummerSazz

I've been reading this thread for a bit as I'm separated (will kick divorce off in Sept as 2 years) and at some point might like to meet someone else......

I just really CBA with the whole OLD thing as I've seen what friends experiences have been and none of it seems appealing 😫

My job is in a very male dominated environment and yet I've still never met anyone at work that I think I'd have any interest in at all. So maybe I'm destined to be single.

Also I don't think I have time for it - a full on FT job, 2 DC, a dog (plus 2 cats and 2 Guineas pigs but they're no bother) and lots of friends. But equally I don't think I want to be a lonely spinster when the DC leave home........

So I'll stay here for a bit and read peoples thoughts and perceptions!!!

Stbxh has had three mini relationships since we've separated (all from OLD) although were still living together 🤨. I do think women are from Venus and men are from Mars as I couldn't even contemplate this.

Whaaat? He started dating people while still living in the family home?! That is grim. What a shithead.

Has anyone done speed dating? Maybe it's old fashioned now - I just don't know but maybe it gets the initial meetings over and you have more choice? I definitely can't face revisiting OLD which I did before I met my last partner years ago. I've just seen an event locally but just don't think I can face it. Maybe it would be less bad with a friend but most of my friends are married. I am at the bottom/top of the age brackets given, just past 50, so guess I would get a glut of old men if I go to the older one but couldn't face unpicking the other one as I look younger than I am and wouldn't want to have to watch faces drop if I subsequently went on a date only to find they were horrified or I was in fact with someone just too young etc. I could see myself walking in to an event and just exiting straight away!!

Great thread! I'm still pretty fresh out of my relationship, not yet divorced, not interested in OLD but open to meeting someone but have plenty of work to do on myself so not rushing it. I did like someone and there was definitely a spark of interest but I am coming to realise it was a unavailable/fallback girl dynamic so I'm stepping away and having a good think about that!

My question regarding this thread is, I no longer drink alcohol (at all) and all my previous relationships started in a boozy place.

Anyone else 'sober' and find that daunting? Not having the bravery of a drink and also do you find it puts people off a bit? I guess you could say that it's a blessing it does but I guess I'm aware that some people are just a bit funny around non-drinkers, think we're watching and judging all the time! (We're not).