How many here are single, open to meeting someone but not doing OLD?

[TossaCoinToYerWitcher]

Just wondered. As a single bloke, it often seems that if you're not doing OLD you're missing out on meeting the right person, as that'll be where any single person looking for a relationship will be. But maybe that's not the case?

Are you a man though? I was replying that to a man

The man that started the thread I mean, not the person I quoted and replied the first bit to, in my first reply. Unless I got it wrong and it wasn't a man that started the thread? Oh gosh I'm going to shut up now before I confuse anyone else.

[quote TossaCoinToYerWitcher]@TheBullfinch:

Yes but it's always 'separated' men or men with children (I dont have any), or those of no fixed abode or those 'between employment.' In other words, men with an agenda other than romance.

Umm... Hello?!

I'm a single dad. I thought I was doing OLD because, y'know, I wanted to meet someone to fall in l've with. Thanks for telling me I got it wrong and actually it's all an agenda on my part!

Sorry, but being serious, I don't have an "agenda", as you put it. My kids have a mum and we're amicable. I'm not looking for a replacement.[/quote]
I'd be very happy to meet a single Dad who was a good person, didn't have any notion of "blending families", and jusy wanted to spend some of the free time we both have together when it overlaps.

@AmberIsACertainty wow I don't think it's that at all! I think the whole OLD environment is toxic. I'm mid-30s, earn six figures, am slim, tall, have my own house. Yes I have two small kids who I am raising, but I find OLD totally toxic. I don't think it's about how you look, it's that the whole setup encourages very shitty behaviour from people: treating people as objects. The opposite of what I'm teaching my children so I won't engage in it. It isn't about looks, I think too many people there treat all people on there as objects so nobody who is averse to that wants to be part of it. So we disengage and become single forever.

MagentaGreen That could work. If all the non-objectifying types who are interested in people (and not what they can get from a person) come off OLD, then all the knobs of both sexes can have OLD to engage in their shitty behaviour and all the best people can go back to dating IRL? So now all that needs to happen is for people to get off their phones when they're out and talk to each other. Including all the short people and shy people and single parents and old people and fugly people and anyone else I've missed who's just a person without an agenda other than finding love. And anyone who gives you a death stare for speaking to them normally (if you leer at them, sit too close and say room for a little one, you deserve a death stare) clearly should have stayed home on the internet swiping at strangers and doesn't belong in the real world. They're probably not even human.... Right, now I've fixed the world I'm off to bed .

Ha! Awesome. I am super shy and will never speak to someone until they speak to me (in a friendly, not shouting insults at you from a building site kinnd of way). I live in hope that your new regime makes life better for all of us introverts. I'd be open to a normal guy talking to me, but they never do.

@MagentaGreen

Met a few really great people on apps - but definitely coming towards your opinion overall!

On a break and will review whether I want to use them again (has anyone tried EliteSingles?)

Even though I'd say I've "done ok" on them and could have pinned down a boyfriend if I wasn't moving myself soon, I think the culture encourages quite awful/shallow behaviour?

So even if I've met a few attractive/nice guys and have had some great dates, I've had to wade through so many "creeps and degenerates" to get there (to use someone else's firm but fair phrase!) that it's the virtual equivalent of walking naked through a bar full of Donald Trump types for one nice chat.

Traumatic.

And (not that it should matter) I'm fairly geeky/outdoorsy and like similar, I don't tend to go for the "tallest hottest bloke with their shirts off on a yacht" look - and still the hypersexed and entitled creepy behaviour is there.

I'm not anti-sex, if the chemistry is there I crave physical contact, quite happy to instigate.

But the whole shitty "I'm only interested in meeting if you say you'll have sex with me" vibe is a complete turn-off.

I agree with @AmberIsACertainty as well - I feel I get the "initial sizing up" and as I tick the "looks box" I'll get "a LITTLE bit of respect

But it's still assumed I want to/have to "put out" early on" to keep attention.

It's toxic and dehumanising.

@AmberIsACertainty

MagentaGreen That could work. If all the non-objectifying types who are interested in people (and not what they can get from a person) come off OLD, then all the knobs of both sexes can have OLD to engage in their shitty behaviour and all the best people can go back to dating IRL? So now all that needs to happen is for people to get off their phones when they're out and talk to each other. Including all the short people and shy people and single parents and old people and fugly people and anyone else I've missed who's just a person without an agenda other than finding love. And anyone who gives you a death stare for speaking to them normally (if you leer at them, sit too close and say room for a little one, you deserve a death stare) clearly should have stayed home on the internet swiping at strangers and doesn't belong in the real world. They're probably not even human.... Right, now I've fixed the world I'm off to bed .

If only there was a place that such people could go to meet each other? It used to be called a bar. But apparently that isn't how it's done, anymore.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@MagentaGreen

Met a few really great people on apps - but definitely coming towards your opinion overall!

On a break and will review whether I want to use them again (has anyone tried EliteSingles?)

Even though I'd say I've "done ok" on them and could have pinned down a boyfriend if I wasn't moving myself soon, I think the culture encourages quite awful/shallow behaviour?

So even if I've met a few attractive/nice guys and have had some great dates, I've had to wade through so many "creeps and degenerates" to get there (to use someone else's firm but fair phrase!) that it's the virtual equivalent of walking naked through a bar full of Donald Trump types for one nice chat.

Traumatic.

And (not that it should matter) I'm fairly geeky/outdoorsy and like similar, I don't tend to go for the "tallest hottest bloke with their shirts off on a yacht" look - and still the hypersexed and entitled creepy behaviour is there.

I'm not anti-sex, if the chemistry is there I crave physical contact, quite happy to instigate.

But the whole shitty "I'm only interested in meeting if you say you'll have sex with me" vibe is a complete turn-off.

I agree with @AmberIsACertainty as well - I feel I get the "initial sizing up" and as I tick the "looks box" I'll get "a LITTLE bit of respect

But it's still assumed I want to/have to "put out" early on" to keep attention.

It's toxic and dehumanising.[/quote]
Exactly. I am very "pro sex". 😂 but with people I know and who I know I can trust, not randoms I've just met.

How anyone thinks they will ever get decent sex from pursuing one night stands is baffling.

The way OLD has been changed into mostly hookup sites means it is pointless for anybody who is happy single and only wants to meet someone worthwhile of a relationship. Honestly as a woman in my mid-30s with my own house and a six figure income and two wonderful kids I'm very happy as I am. It would take much more than a dick pick to impress me. That kind of behaviour or objectifying women etc just screams "loser". When did men forget how to treat women, how to be charming?

OLD is to dating what twitter is to reasoned discussion... Have to agree with @MagentaGreen. Lack of social consequences brings out the worst and worst in folks.

Ha ha that's about the size of it.

I'm glad I was brave enough to try it because now I know it's awful and not the answer but I think if I'd never done it I'd be sitting here wondering if i could meet somebody lovely if only I were brave enough. And I know that that's not true. Nobody's brave enough for OLD!

The comments about it working for 20% of women/men are interesting and explain a lot. Unless you're in that top 20%, either sex, you're going to need to spend time around somebody to get to know them and be drawn to them to be won over.

So it just doesn't work for 80% of us, the rest of us.

Back in the day( before OLD) there used to be Singles clubs where single people could meet socially for a drink, chat etc and get to know each other in a safe, relaxed setting. I'm sure that must have been a better way to meet others who were looking for a genuine relationship, rather than navigating the tide of anonymous, unsuitable types that are on dating sites.

I find that most men now have bought into the idea that they need to be constantly running marathons/up a mountain somewhere/windsurfing in Bali in order to be interesting. All it makes me think is that I'm going to be too boring for them because I prefer looking around a museum to going to the gym.

@PearlFriday

Ha ha that's about the size of it.

I'm glad I was brave enough to try it because now I know it's awful and not the answer but I think if I'd never done it I'd be sitting here wondering if i could meet somebody lovely if only I were brave enough. And I know that that's not true. Nobody's brave enough for OLD!

The comments about it working for 20% of women/men are interesting and explain a lot. Unless you're in that top 20%, either sex, you're going to need to spend time around somebody to get to know them and be drawn to them to be won over.

So it just doesn't work for 80% of us, the rest of us.

It's actually just the too percentile of men that it works for. The top 20% of women just get lots of offers of sex and that's about it.

Has anyone tried speed dating? I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to do it but it does sound potentially quite an efficient way of going about things.

Efficient and they say romance is dead...

Oh yes, the top 20% of men can get whatever they want. Sex or a relationship.

It is quite depressing to have to give up on love and a relationship at 51, and I gave up at 49. I still feel young and healthy and stylish. But I push it out of my head and I get on with it. Join book clubs, ha ha. Female incels just prop up the local economy.

I feel under massive pressure to do OLD but I hate it!

@coronaway I did try speed dating once. The demographics were very similar to those on OLD, I thought - out of 10 men, there was one who was attractive and intelligent, and all the women were pretty much competing for him. You could see he knew he had the power and was absolutely loving it 🤮.

[quote ChloeAndRadcliffe]@coronaway I did try speed dating once. The demographics were very similar to those on OLD, I thought - out of 10 men, there was one who was attractive and intelligent, and all the women were pretty much competing for him. You could see he knew he had the power and was absolutely loving it 🤮.[/quote]
I feared as much. I was hoping there might be that spark with someone who I may have not gone for had they been on the other side of a phone.

It's so depressing!

@Roblox01if you're on the dreaded Facebook there is a Running over 40 group on there that has a singles page. I'm not single so I've no idea what it's like but overall the group is very friendly and supportive, not matter what level of runner you are.

@Toddlerteaplease

I feel under massive pressure to do OLD but I hate it!

Don't do it then. I wouldn't touch it with someone else's bargepole.

People need to talk more and better engage with the world. I'm not talking about chatting people up. Just talking and getting to know the people around them, of either sex. Work colleagues and customers, the people at the bus stop with you every morning, friends of friends, local shop staff, the people who jog round the park at the same time as you, neighbors. The more people you know the more people you get to meet, the more places/events/dates you get invited to and the greater chance of stumbling across someone you're romantically compatible with.

This is how I feel @AmberIsACertainty, I want to join things that I want to do, be brave enough to join in, not hang back. I want to be content, at ease, I want to be able to talk to and listen and maybe click with friends of either sex across a wide age range.

Not even looking for love. I just want to LIVE and not miss out on life because I feel i ought to hang back because I'm single!

[quote Spanglemum]@Roblox01if you're on the dreaded Facebook there is a Running over 40 group on there that has a singles page. I'm not single so I've no idea what it's like but overall the group is very friendly and supportive, not matter what level of runner you are.[/quote]
Thanks. Is that the group R40+

A private group?

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher

I’ve read a study that allegedly claims women prefer a partner who’s 8 inches taller than them, on average. For men it’s three inches shorter. It is what it is. I’m 5foot 10, which is average height for a guy, so it can rankle a bit that that someone who’s 5 foot 4 would write me off just because I’m an inch or two off an arbitrary benchmark but whatever. It only really annoys me when some women point out some men can be shallow about weight, bust size, etc and then claim having a preference for people over 6ft is completely different - it becomes “you can’t help who you’re attracted to” instead. That, and going on a date with a 5ft 2 woman who then proceeded to try and catch the eye of every 6ft plus guy who walked into the bar. And then was upset when I made excuses to leave early.

I grew up with the mantra that he had to be tall and as it happened it was always over 6ft men who chased me. But I have had an epiphany in the last few years. I now want someone who is genuinely kind all through his being, far more than I want tall. I am 5 ft 6 and 5 foot 10 would be just fine, if the rest fit.

@RayoftheTriffids

OLD is to dating what twitter is to reasoned discussion... Have to agree with *@MagentaGreen*. Lack of social consequences brings out the worst and worst in folks.

Twitter has been a pretty fantastic space for leading scientists to keep in touch over covid, and to keep the world informed, so not worst and worst across the board.

But i agree about OLD

@PollyIndia

Me! I can't do OLD. I did download hinge but it made me feel stressed as I just don't have the time to have lots of conversations with people, and I am a 100% lone parent so the thought of getting a babysitter for a rare night out to meet someone I don't know just wasn't appealing. I'm not very good at asking people out in real life though, but am working on it :)

My best mate is a machine though. She's a 43 year old single mum and meets people all the time IRL as she is completely easy about just asking people out. We went to a festival with our kids recently and she met a guy there who she went on a few dates with, then snogged 2 guys at a festival without our kids - tbf none were dating material but at least she is having fun and out there. She has also asked the brother of a mum friend out in the past, met a guy in a coffee shop and someone else on linkedin that she worked with years ago. I think the key is to just be open to things, to chat to people and if you feel anything at all, to ask. If they say no, never mind, nothing lost.

That's what i am trying to tell myself anyway!

Wow, your friend is a legend!

@Chamomileteaplease proper old fashioned dating agencies do still exist but they are really expensive. I looked into it and it was £4K - and that was a couple of years ago.