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Original poster

Updated profile pic has got on my nerves

152 replies

Sandra15 · 30/07/2021 09:21

Last summer I was chatting (initially in a work context) with a guy who then began telling me he had feelings for me and couldn't stop thinking about me, arranged to meet and he stood me up and ghosted me. After reading through the messages he had sent, they were filthy and showed what he was really like.

He posted a photograph just around the time of the ghosting on Facebook, showing him looking rather tubby and I concluded he was a pillock and I had had a lucky escape.

Today he has posted a new profile picture on Facebook (I haven't blocked him but have never engaged with him since the ghosting. I did call him out, but that was in December and he read the message in May!) I don't want anything to do with him.

The profile picture today that has been the first change in over a year shows that he has been to the most exclusive, tough and exacting boot camp in history. Bear Grylls couldn't hack this. He's lost stones, grown more hair and miraculously it is darker, too, set off by a very deep tan.

It has really pissed me off though! I don't know why. I don't want him, he is a fool. Why it has got to me I do not know!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 31/07/2021 10:51

Righty ho then

Again, it's the 'last word' thing. This is like 'well, I don't even care what you say, so I'll just agree sarcastically like a 14 year old.

It's all a bit 'I'M NOT EVEN SHOUTING!!!!' Smile

But clearly you have no intention of actually looking into why this photo has bothered you because you're too busy defending yourself about how not bothered you are by it. It's circular and pointless. I don't know why you're wasting your time.

Cookiebox · 31/07/2021 10:51

@Sandra15 it's depressing isn't it. You came on to vent and get some advice/opinions but it's turned into a bitch fest.
What the hell is the point of commenting on your post if all you want to do is drag you down and be a b**Ch?
Just kick someone down even more.

So the guy I was 'seeing' started to send me underwear pics....and I realised when we met started dating it was all about sex.
In hindsight i shouldn't have bothered with him but hindsight is a great thing and I was a bit naive.....yep I would've got a bashing on MN but let's face it who doesn't make poor judgment choices.

Anyway it ended and he still, even now asks me round to his to sit in his hot tub in my bikini. It's really seedy!!!! I cringe at giving him the time of day.
But learn from this and acknowledge the red flags. Don't bother giving your time to these chums again.

MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 10:58

This thread is a perfect example of “tell us you’re hung up on a guy without telling us you’re hung up on a guy”

😂

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:03

[quote Cookiebox]@Sandra15 it's depressing isn't it. You came on to vent and get some advice/opinions but it's turned into a bitch fest.
What the hell is the point of commenting on your post if all you want to do is drag you down and be a b**Ch?
Just kick someone down even more.

So the guy I was 'seeing' started to send me underwear pics....and I realised when we met started dating it was all about sex.
In hindsight i shouldn't have bothered with him but hindsight is a great thing and I was a bit naive.....yep I would've got a bashing on MN but let's face it who doesn't make poor judgment choices.

Anyway it ended and he still, even now asks me round to his to sit in his hot tub in my bikini. It's really seedy!!!! I cringe at giving him the time of day.
But learn from this and acknowledge the red flags. Don't bother giving your time to these chums again.[/quote]
Oh I have learned @Cookiebox! This encounter with this bloke was not in any way about dating or romance. It was about work, then he started turning it into a romantic chat, telling me he had feelings after we had talked about work, and saying it was a shame that the work bit had come to an end. So we carried on chatting, and it was interesting, about lots of different things, not all 'romance'. I thought he was an interesting bloke. I think he was faking.

When the mucky messaging started I steered it away from that without overtly saying anything. I didn't respond to the sex talk, only responded to normal messages. I thought he'd got the message that I wasn't interested in that sort of thing, so I don't understand why he went ahead with arranging to meet and then carrying out such an elaborate charade. It smacks of someone who's simply bizarre.

I think when we were early on chatting, I'd thought what he might have been like and the old/new pic sort of backed that (false image) up, so it gave me a start. Of course I know what he's like, I don't think I've missed out on anything. If I hadn't made a post about it, I wouldn't be thinking about him now!

It's odd that posters would make such a big thing of this, trying to psychoanalyse me and tell me that I'm more or less lying to myself about having underlying issues. I find that as crazy as his behaviour, personally.

I've never, and won't ever, get involved in an online dating merry go round. I'm just not sufficiently bothered about having a partner right at the moment. I ended a relationship that lasted over 15 years, so I am not clued up on dating either. I've learned all of it from Mumsnet (and it puts me off). That relationship started before social media, and it was never a big thing in our relationship either, other than texts to say we were running late or something. So I'd no idea that I was in this sort of minefield with this guy.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 11:08

I saw several things he had posted on other women's profiles - one is an ex, the others are old schoolfriends. Lots of these were calling them 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful', accompanied by lips emojis and kisses. He went to all the school reunions and was the only guy there. I think he's the sort of guy who needs validation of his own attractiveness and 'collects' women to boost it. A few women had commented on his 'new' profile pic saying positive things.

See it’s all these comments that makes folk think you’re stalking him on line, we all accept you’re not, before you dive off the deep end again, and you just have a wealth of knowledge about the ins and outs of his social media actitives, and aren’t “bovvered” remotely. We get it. Honestly. You don’t come across at all like you’re hung up on him. Not one bit.

MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:11

This encounter with this bloke was not in any way about dating or romance. It was about work, then he started turning it into a romantic chat, telling me he had feelings after we had talked about work, and saying it was a shame that the work bit had come to an end. So we carried on chatting, and it was interesting, about lots of different things, not all 'romance'. I thought he was an interesting bloke. I think he was faking.

OP you have repeated this telling of your “encounter” so many times on MN, not just on this thread, but on others too, it actually seems like someone who can’t help reliving a traumatic event. You are stuck at this point in your life for some reason and I mean this genuinely, and kindly, in order for you to help yourself- I think you should speak with a counsellor to help you work through these feelings and let them go. Honestly, you will feel so much better having closed the door on that room. This has affected you so much more than you are able to acknowledge and it’s not healthy for you.

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:12

@Bluntness100

I saw several things he had posted on other women's profiles - one is an ex, the others are old schoolfriends. Lots of these were calling them 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful', accompanied by lips emojis and kisses. He went to all the school reunions and was the only guy there. I think he's the sort of guy who needs validation of his own attractiveness and 'collects' women to boost it. A few women had commented on his 'new' profile pic saying positive things.

See it’s all these comments that makes folk think you’re stalking him on line, we all accept you’re not, before you dive off the deep end again, and you just have a wealth of knowledge about the ins and outs of his social media actitives, and aren’t “bovvered” remotely. We get it. Honestly. You don’t come across at all like you’re hung up on him. Not one bit.

Those were seen months ago, around the time he did this ridiculous charade. If I'd 'stalked' him as you put it whilst I was talking to him, I'd have known this, but I didn't. Then all the pieces fell into place. Maybe if I had researched stalked him earlier, I'd not have arranged to meet him!
OP posts:
Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:13

@MotionActivatedDog

This encounter with this bloke was not in any way about dating or romance. It was about work, then he started turning it into a romantic chat, telling me he had feelings after we had talked about work, and saying it was a shame that the work bit had come to an end. So we carried on chatting, and it was interesting, about lots of different things, not all 'romance'. I thought he was an interesting bloke. I think he was faking.

OP you have repeated this telling of your “encounter” so many times on MN, not just on this thread, but on others too, it actually seems like someone who can’t help reliving a traumatic event. You are stuck at this point in your life for some reason and I mean this genuinely, and kindly, in order for you to help yourself- I think you should speak with a counsellor to help you work through these feelings and let them go. Honestly, you will feel so much better having closed the door on that room. This has affected you so much more than you are able to acknowledge and it’s not healthy for you.

That comment was to an individual poster, actually. Thanks for the concern, though.
OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:15

That comment was to an individual poster, actually.

I know. Just like all the other times you’ve repeated it. You seek out opportunities to repeat it. You have a need to talk about this. So do it with a counsellor and get the closure you need. Otherwise you will remain stuck here.

MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:17

I mean you’ve even said you’re going to speak to your RL friends about it too, which of course is fine, that’s what friends are for. But I know if a friend of mine was still talking about a man she talked to online and never even met, a year later, I’d be saying “honey, what’s the actual issue here? Because this isn’t normal.”

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:22

@MotionActivatedDog

I mean you’ve even said you’re going to speak to your RL friends about it too, which of course is fine, that’s what friends are for. But I know if a friend of mine was still talking about a man she talked to online and never even met, a year later, I’d be saying “honey, what’s the actual issue here? Because this isn’t normal.”
No. Not 'still' talking about a man. If he hadn't popped up, I wouldn't have been talking about or thinking about him. 'Still' implies constantly talking about this from December to now. That's not happened at all. Mumsnet is not the same as talking to friends. I've talked about this incident here several times when it has been relevant to a discussion, usually about blokes who are a waste of space that others have started. I actually think this is the only thread I've actually started about it.

I thought it would be interesting to see what RL friends thought and compare with the comments here. I doubt any of them would think I need counselling, my behaviour isn't normal or that I have deep seated issues.

Anyway, enough is enough now.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:24

I doubt any of them would think I need counselling, my behaviour isn't normal or that I have deep seated issues.

What if they do?

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:26

@MotionActivatedDog

I doubt any of them would think I need counselling, my behaviour isn't normal or that I have deep seated issues.

What if they do?

Then I'll let you know and you can advise me on the next steps!
OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:31

Then I'll let you know and you can advise me on the next steps!

You mean you wouldn’t just take their comments on board and accept that yes, there clearly is an issue?

You shock me.

Wink
Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:35

@MotionActivatedDog

Then I'll let you know and you can advise me on the next steps!

You mean you wouldn’t just take their comments on board and accept that yes, there clearly is an issue?

You shock me.

Wink

Aren't you making massive assumptions that you're actually right?!
OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:37

No I was asking what you would do if your friends told you there was an issue entirely independently of what I or anyone else has said on MN.

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:41

@MotionActivatedDog

No I was asking what you would do if your friends told you there was an issue entirely independently of what I or anyone else has said on MN.
Well let's wait and see what they say.
OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 11:48

Well, you can. The rest of us I’m sure won’t be invested enough in this to hang around and find out.

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 11:54

@MotionActivatedDog

Well, you can. The rest of us I’m sure won’t be invested enough in this to hang around and find out.
Why did you bother commenting at all, then? Seems odd.
OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 31/07/2021 12:12

Yes, my post is what is odd here….

TheFoundations · 31/07/2021 12:36

Why did you bother commenting at all, then? Seems odd

Do you mean 'Why post if you're not invested?', OP? Because I was asking you that earlier about your own posts, and it didn't seem odd to you when you were doing it yourself.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 13:09

Honestly I know you don’t want to hear it, but the posters are right, you do post repeatedly about this man, there’s so many different threads on here on so many subjects but you always find the one where you get to post the same stories about again, and now starting a thread about him, wanting to talk about him in real life, recounting in vivid detail his texts to you, his comments on social media, who commented on his social media, what he’s done socially.

As said, we all understand it’s just light hearted for you and you’re not in any way obsessed with him, and it’s just you so happened to be on threads where it was appropriate to keep posting about him, ans that you just have a great memory so remember everything about him a year later, so please don’t worry

It is ok though to have an unreciprocated crush on someone that you can’t get over, horrible for you, but, not uncommon, particularly if people are lonely and want a partner.

Original poster
Sandra15 · 31/07/2021 13:43

@Bluntness100

Honestly I know you don’t want to hear it, but the posters are right, you do post repeatedly about this man, there’s so many different threads on here on so many subjects but you always find the one where you get to post the same stories about again, and now starting a thread about him, wanting to talk about him in real life, recounting in vivid detail his texts to you, his comments on social media, who commented on his social media, what he’s done socially.

As said, we all understand it’s just light hearted for you and you’re not in any way obsessed with him, and it’s just you so happened to be on threads where it was appropriate to keep posting about him, ans that you just have a great memory so remember everything about him a year later, so please don’t worry

It is ok though to have an unreciprocated crush on someone that you can’t get over, horrible for you, but, not uncommon, particularly if people are lonely and want a partner.

Nice one! I think there's a spare comedy spot at the Edinburgh Fringe going if you're quick!
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 14:18
Hmm
SparklingLime · 31/07/2021 23:12

The bit that is most hard to understand, @Sandra15, is why after he ghosted you, you didn’t unfriend or block him? You then re-read through your messages, realised he was sleazy. Saw comments he’d made on other women’s posts - more sleaze. But you remained FB friends with him. Do you understand why?

It suggests a lack of boundaries to me. Most people would block anyone who ghosted them.

If you had unfriended or blocked him back then, his photo wouldn’t have popped up on your FB. But you chose to maintain a SM link with him until today.