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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

120 replies

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 14:40

So I've been a lone parent since my 9 year old was conceived. I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and he's been staying with me since December of this year. I casually asked if he would be prepared to help with childcare so I can get a 2nd job, evenings, as I don't earn much as a TA. He said no,he would want to be restricted by childcare,so I said what about when you have a child,he said that'd be different, i said because my son isn't yours? And he said yes. I'm quite upset tbh,the lack of support, the fact after 2.5 it's still me and my son vs him, it doesn't feel like a partnership,that he likes my son,that he's invested,I dunno. He's looking to buy a house and wants us to move in but won't put me on the mortgage which I think would leave me and my son very vulnerable. Would this bother you? Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
Annoy · 28/07/2021 14:42

Yes this would bother me.... not going on the mortgage would bother me more though

ahoyshipmates · 28/07/2021 14:43

Oh dear.

It seems like he has moved in for the free housekeeping, cooking, cleaning and sex rather than thinking of you two being a couple in a fully-fledged relationship. How much does he contribute to household finances and chores?

BumBurnerBum · 28/07/2021 14:47

I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with anyone who would view my child like this.

blubberball · 28/07/2021 14:48

You come with a family. He doesn't seem to want to commit to that.

Hollywolly1 · 28/07/2021 14:55

I would be worried having a child with this man as he would always treat your child differently,he doesn't seem very nice and your own child will suffer

Sapnupuas · 28/07/2021 14:56

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 14:57

Being on the mortgage is no big deal. Being on the deeds is a different thing.

I personally wouldn’t do childcare for anyone else so I can see his point there.

Nerfelite · 28/07/2021 14:59

Time for him to move out then.

summercupcake · 28/07/2021 15:01

I think he should move out.

Twickytwo · 28/07/2021 15:03

Look at the stepparent board. Most step mums on here are reluctant to take on any childcare duties. I think you need to look for someone who wants the same things long term as you

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 15:06

I don't know, when you go on the step parenting forum, it's the parent expecting childcare who is deemed totally unreasonable.

Personally, i think it is somewhere in the middle. I understand he isn't prepared for that commitment yet, the same way you hold off having children and being in a relationship with you doesn't mean taking on some of your responsibilities.

At the same time, you've now lived together for 6 months, so things should be moving forward to a more committed arrangement. How are your finances? Are they shared? If you expect him to babysit on a regular basis but the extra money you make is yours and yours only, then yes, it's an unfair request. If it is joint money, it isn't.

tropicalwaterdiver · 28/07/2021 15:06

If you asked the same question on Step Parenting forum, the answers would be different. The view is it's the parent responsibility to look after their children.
However, honestly I cannot see a point of living together if not helping each other domestically. You can have a live in lodger student who can help you looking after your child.

Wjevtvha · 28/07/2021 15:06

This is interesting as on the step parents board then the step parent would be supported saying it’s not their child.
How many nights were you thinking OP and which nights? I’m a step parent and I’d be ok with a couple of nights in the week but in all honesty I wouldn’t agree to weekends or more than a couple of nights as I might be with someone who has a child but I didn’t decide to have that child knowing all the consequences in the same way a parent does

Weirdfan · 28/07/2021 15:07

Is he contributing financially OP? Just wondering whether you would actually need a second job if he hadn't moved in?

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 15:07

@Twickytwo, cross posts :)

KurtWilde · 28/07/2021 15:07

He needs to move out then. And do not move in with him if you're not on the mortgage. If it all went pear shaped with him you'd be starting all over again because you'd have no rights to stay in the home.

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 15:08

Going on the mortgage makes little odds. It’s being on the deeds that the op needs to ensure.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 15:09

@Datingandnoideahowto

Being on the mortgage is no big deal. Being on the deeds is a different thing.

I personally wouldn’t do childcare for anyone else so I can see his point there.

Even if you were in a committed relationship with that person?
OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 15:10

Even if I was in a committed relationship. I wouldn’t do childcare for someone else’s child or expect them to do it for mine. It’s a big reason why I didn’t have a relationship until my Kids were adult.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 15:11

@vivainsomnia

I don't know, when you go on the step parenting forum, it's the parent expecting childcare who is deemed totally unreasonable.

Personally, i think it is somewhere in the middle. I understand he isn't prepared for that commitment yet, the same way you hold off having children and being in a relationship with you doesn't mean taking on some of your responsibilities.

At the same time, you've now lived together for 6 months, so things should be moving forward to a more committed arrangement. How are your finances? Are they shared? If you expect him to babysit on a regular basis but the extra money you make is yours and yours only, then yes, it's an unfair request. If it is joint money, it isn't.

He earns about 4x as much as me,if we moved in officially I'd lose about £800 a month uc,so no if I got a second/part time job it wouldn't be with a view to give him half of that
OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 15:13

@Wjevtvha

This is interesting as on the step parents board then the step parent would be supported saying it’s not their child. How many nights were you thinking OP and which nights? I’m a step parent and I’d be ok with a couple of nights in the week but in all honesty I wouldn’t agree to weekends or more than a couple of nights as I might be with someone who has a child but I didn’t decide to have that child knowing all the consequences in the same way a parent does
So as another responsible adult in the household you wouldn't help with the child of the person you love?
OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 15:13

Hold on.

You say moved in with you officially. But your op says he has been staying since December

Are you committing benefit fraud?

mildlymiffed · 28/07/2021 15:13

I'd look after my dp's children and vice versa (for us it's so we can pursue exercise/hobbies). It's called being a partnership.

As long as neither side feel dumped on, it's okay.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 28/07/2021 15:15

Ditch him.
He's using you.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 15:19

@Datingandnoideahowto

Hold on.

You say moved in with you officially. But your op says he has been staying since December

Are you committing benefit fraud?

I'm talking about if he bought a house and I moved in with him i wouldnt be able to claim uc as you can only if you rent not if you own,its all above boarding not committing fraud,thanks for missing the point of the thread tho
OP posts: