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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

120 replies

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 14:40

So I've been a lone parent since my 9 year old was conceived. I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and he's been staying with me since December of this year. I casually asked if he would be prepared to help with childcare so I can get a 2nd job, evenings, as I don't earn much as a TA. He said no,he would want to be restricted by childcare,so I said what about when you have a child,he said that'd be different, i said because my son isn't yours? And he said yes. I'm quite upset tbh,the lack of support, the fact after 2.5 it's still me and my son vs him, it doesn't feel like a partnership,that he likes my son,that he's invested,I dunno. He's looking to buy a house and wants us to move in but won't put me on the mortgage which I think would leave me and my son very vulnerable. Would this bother you? Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 29/07/2021 05:35

@toocold54

Im not saying i want him to be a parent

I’m really surprised someone would openly say it to be honest. Usually when someone wants you to live with them they’re saying how great it would be and they will do the cooking and the childcare etc even if it doesn’t actually happen lol but his entire attitude just seems off.
I wouldn’t necessarily break up with him but I definitely wouldn’t be moving in with him as I feel like you’d be worse off and if you did move in and then split up you’d be screwed. I’d give it another 12months at least.

I would say it from even before moving in.

Anyone I date knows my boundaries on various things and if the person doesn’t like them we don’t date.

sunnydays78 · 29/07/2021 05:58

Hi op his attitude to my son would be a deal breaker for me. I’d ask him to move out. I think if you both ended up having a child together your son would be treated differently. Tell him to sling his hook!

Roblox01 · 29/07/2021 06:38

So to summarise, if the woman has a child then Mom and child come as a package which the new partner should embrace.

But on the Step parent board, if a Dad has a child then his new partner is under no obligation to help out with child. It's all the Dad's responsibility.

Datingandnoideahowto · 29/07/2021 06:43

I wouldn’t say that. I wouldn’t do it at all - and I’d weed out partners with young kids specifically for this reason. I wouldn’t date them to start with. Because that’s not my thing.

It has narrowed my dating pool and I didn’t date when my kids were young partly for this reason.

Sakurami · 29/07/2021 12:40

@Roblox01 no. Just in the cases dads let their new wife/gf do all the parenting/looking after. That goes both ways. Being part of the family is different.

Blindleadingtheblind · 29/07/2021 15:53

@Roblox01

So to summarise, if the woman has a child then Mom and child come as a package which the new partner should embrace.

But on the Step parent board, if a Dad has a child then his new partner is under no obligation to help out with child. It's all the Dad's responsibility.

The real life cases I've known this hasn't been the case. The step mother has treated any step kids like her own and vice versa. The step parenting threads on MN are completely at odds with what I've witnessed in real life.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/07/2021 17:02

I would say moving into a house that you down own, but he does, is a bigger issue than childcare.

However I do also think that once you move in together you are a family and should work co operatively. The big exception of course being a step parent who has just had a baby (so a step mother!) and needs to recover from the birth, care for the baby etc, being treated like a scivvy during her maternity leave.

QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 17:38

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I would say moving into a house that you down own, but he does, is a bigger issue than childcare.

However I do also think that once you move in together you are a family and should work co operatively. The big exception of course being a step parent who has just had a baby (so a step mother!) and needs to recover from the birth, care for the baby etc, being treated like a scivvy during her maternity leave.

yip.. agreed

my fear in OP's case is that this guy has 'isolated' her Child .. as only her responsibility .. despite him moving into this Childs home.. He's not being asked to adopt him.. just help the partner he lives with cover hours as she extra overtime hrs for income to support themselves..

I'd never move into his place and leave my Child by another man, isolated from the new family unit ... Hell would freeze over before I did this to a kid 🌸

MrsN100 · 29/07/2021 18:04

Op I don't get what your dilemma is? He has told you very clearly that he views your child as your child and will treat him differently to one of his own with you. You as a mother should only have one reaction to this, and it should be ending this relationship asap. How as a mother could you even question or dither about what to do?

natis · 29/07/2021 18:07

The step parent bored is full of women getting alter for doing far too much for their stepchildren. They're constantly told "not hour child, not your problem", "not your role to raise someone else's kids", "don't let him palm his kids off on you, he should be doing it himself".

Why is is different when a woman is looking for help from her partner?

QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 20:49

@MrsN100

Op I don't get what your dilemma is? He has told you very clearly that he views your child as your child and will treat him differently to one of his own with you. You as a mother should only have one reaction to this, and it should be ending this relationship asap. How as a mother could you even question or dither about what to do?
Yes.. spot on .. Flowers
QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 20:53

@natis

The step parent bored is full of women getting alter for doing far too much for their stepchildren. They're constantly told "not hour child, not your problem", "not your role to raise someone else's kids", "don't let him palm his kids off on you, he should be doing it himself".

Why is is different when a woman is looking for help from her partner?

here's a huge difference between... doing too much.. and not engaging at all.. Flowers
TheWeeDonkey · 29/07/2021 20:57

@Sapnupuas

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM
Seconded. I worked with a woman who did this. Gave up her tenancy agreement in a lovely street that was ideal for work. Put her all in with a man who wouldn't put her on rhe mortgage even though she was halves on everything and he completely fucked her over. It took a long time for her to get back on her feet again.
Fireflygal · 29/07/2021 23:01

Lets correct this,

So to summarise, if the Resident parent has a child then RP and child come as a package which the new partner should embrace.

But on the Step parent board, if a Non Resident Part time parent has a child then his new partner is under no obligation to help out with child. It's all the non resident part time parents responsibility.

The difference is that nrp tends to spend very little time with their children and expect the step parent to parent so they can do hobbies/socialise.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 30/07/2021 09:20

To address a few points, my bf does engage with my child,he plays football with him they go out with the dog for walks if I go gym for an hour,he will make him food and hang out with him and has babysat for me to go on few nights out,my son is not sat in a corner being shunned so do not call into account my parenting,I am a very good parent and do everything for my son, he's saying he doesn't want to be restricted by having to provide regular childcare, and as someone who isn't a parent that's his right I guess, he'll do childcare if he's free but wouldn't not go out with his mates on a weekend to stay home with my child for me for eg

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 30/07/2021 09:43

The main issue here - the childcare aside - is that you're considering moving in to a house that will only be owned by your partner. You'll have zero security if things go wrong and he'll be well within his rights to throw you out.

Wrt UC, the housing element will stop because as a couple they'll take your joint income into account, you may actually find you're not eligible for any UC at all with your combined wages. So you will in fact likely need a second job to top that up again. What if the hours for this second job mean you'll need to work weekend nights? Would your partner prioritise his night out with mates over you going out to earn money towards the house? Paying for childcare will cut into your income.

And consider this.. you'd be contributing to the mortgage/upkeep on a house that isn't yours.

If you're ok with all of that, then go ahead. But with a child to consider I personally think it would be a silly move.

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 12:58

@Badassbreastfeeder85

To address a few points, my bf does engage with my child,he plays football with him they go out with the dog for walks if I go gym for an hour,he will make him food and hang out with him and has babysat for me to go on few nights out,my son is not sat in a corner being shunned so do not call into account my parenting,I am a very good parent and do everything for my son, he's saying he doesn't want to be restricted by having to provide regular childcare, and as someone who isn't a parent that's his right I guess, he'll do childcare if he's free but wouldn't not go out with his mates on a weekend to stay home with my child for me for eg

You're treating the small gestures are positives .. and the Red Flags as you being perhaps unreasonable... which is why you asked on here ...

Yes it's a Red Flag that he refuses she help you with Child care.. given that you're leaving your own secure home to LIVE in this mans house, a house you will contribute toward and he won't name you on.. and could kick you out at any given moment..

THAT should be your concern...

screw the childcare issue.. 🌸

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 30/07/2021 15:01

Ive already told him I won't move in with him without being on the mortgage/deeds, I'm not actually stupid

OP posts:
Seabreeze21 · 30/07/2021 15:11

@Badassbreastfeeder85 I think regarding the childcare you are expecting too much yes. Sure he can help out now again but you are asking him to be your childcare for you to work a 2nd job. I agree with your boyfriend on this. The mortgage thing I wouldn’t be happy with and I think after 2.5 years you should looking to buy together.

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 16:20

@Badassbreastfeeder85

Ive already told him I won't move in with him without being on the mortgage/deeds, I'm not actually stupid

good on you 🌸

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