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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

120 replies

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 14:40

So I've been a lone parent since my 9 year old was conceived. I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and he's been staying with me since December of this year. I casually asked if he would be prepared to help with childcare so I can get a 2nd job, evenings, as I don't earn much as a TA. He said no,he would want to be restricted by childcare,so I said what about when you have a child,he said that'd be different, i said because my son isn't yours? And he said yes. I'm quite upset tbh,the lack of support, the fact after 2.5 it's still me and my son vs him, it doesn't feel like a partnership,that he likes my son,that he's invested,I dunno. He's looking to buy a house and wants us to move in but won't put me on the mortgage which I think would leave me and my son very vulnerable. Would this bother you? Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 28/07/2021 19:40

So if he bought a house and I moved in I assumed I wouldn't be able to claim housing benefit so then my income would be much lower and I wouldn't be able to contribute as much

No, you can't claim housing benefit to pay off your boyfriend's mortgage?!

You currently claim housing benefit as a single mother, and this is not income, it covers your rent. By moving in with him, you lose that benefit, but you also lose the rent, so you should be net no worse off? He's paying his own mortgage whether you live there or not. It's not a joint property. It's one you are being kept deliberately at arms length from. And could be evicted from with zero notice.

You need to have a discussion about him as a sole person, in his sole house. And with the "reduced" income you will have when you move in with him, with no security and a child to support "xyz" is what you can contribute to the bills.

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 19:43

@KurtWilde

Everything *@QueenBee52* said. Not sure why people on this thread think your uc status is any of their business, especially as you've already addressed it, and your fella is a knob who will further demote your DS the deeper you get into this relationship. You'll also be in a very vulnerable position if you move into a house you essentially have no rights in. Time to bin him off now.

totally agree 🌸

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 19:53

@TwinsandTrifle

So if he bought a house and I moved in I assumed I wouldn't be able to claim housing benefit so then my income would be much lower and I wouldn't be able to contribute as much

No, you can't claim housing benefit to pay off your boyfriend's mortgage?!

You currently claim housing benefit as a single mother, and this is not income, it covers your rent. By moving in with him, you lose that benefit, but you also lose the rent, so you should be net no worse off? He's paying his own mortgage whether you live there or not. It's not a joint property. It's one you are being kept deliberately at arms length from. And could be evicted from with zero notice.

You need to have a discussion about him as a sole person, in his sole house. And with the "reduced" income you will have when you move in with him, with no security and a child to support "xyz" is what you can contribute to the bills.

But if I lived there it would be my housing cost too not just my bf,the rent would be replaced by the mortgage and I'd still earn the same wage as I do now which is too low to be able to afford to pay rent from
OP posts:
Dragon50 · 28/07/2021 20:00

So he would expect you to pay ‘rent’ towards his asset?

You’d be giving up security moving in with him. You’d have less rights than someone who rents.

toocold54 · 28/07/2021 20:14

If you’re paying rent then you are paying towards the mortgage so your name should be on the mortgage too.

Either don’t pay anything towards to mortgage and just spilt utility bills or get your name on the mortgage.

TerraNovaTwo · 28/07/2021 20:22

As hard as it may be, I'd leave this relationship. Not over the childcare issue though. It doesn't sound like this man is invested or really loves you. Sorry Flowers

TwinsandTrifle · 28/07/2021 21:03

But if I lived there it would be my housing cost too not just my bf,the rent would be replaced by the mortgage and I'd still earn the same wage as I do now which is too low to be able to afford to pay rent from

But you are not renting! You get your personal, single person housing benefit to cover a rental property in your name. This is not in your name, and it is a mortgage. You don't get benefits towards that because 1) it's a mortgage, 2) it's not in your name, and 3) you are a couple and they will take his (4 times your) income into account.

Try thinking of this another way. He's not buying a house with a mortgage. He's renting one in his name instead. Exactly the same applies. You don't get your housing benefit because it's 1) it's not in your name and 2) you are a couple and they take his income into account.

I'm lost here as to why you think losing the housing benefit reduces your income. It's not money in your pocket, it's your rent paid. You don't ever see that money in your pocket. By moving in with him, you no longer have that rent being paid by housing benefit because you no longer have a rental property in your name.

The reduction in your income will be losing universal credit/tax credits as you are no longer a single mother, but a couple.

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:06

I’m amazed if he’s earning 4x your income you’re still entitled to UC. You should check that with the benefits office.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 21:26

@Datingandnoideahowto

I’m amazed if he’s earning 4x your income you’re still entitled to UC. You should check that with the benefits office.
Yeah he can be when he's working,hes self employed so is sometimes out-of work weeks at a time
OP posts:
PaterPower · 28/07/2021 21:27

I (male) take my DSD to school and pick her up. I’m responsible for her when my DP works nights and/or on the odd occasion she has a weekend away without us. I earn over double what she does, if that has any relevance.

It has never once occurred to me to treat my DSD any differently to my own DC. IMO you have to be all in as a couple when living together. Or you live separately and accept that the relationship is going to stay more casual / superficial.

If he was going to fully commit then I’d expect him to have done it after 2.5 years.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 21:30

@TwinsandTrifle

But if I lived there it would be my housing cost too not just my bf,the rent would be replaced by the mortgage and I'd still earn the same wage as I do now which is too low to be able to afford to pay rent from

But you are not renting! You get your personal, single person housing benefit to cover a rental property in your name. This is not in your name, and it is a mortgage. You don't get benefits towards that because 1) it's a mortgage, 2) it's not in your name, and 3) you are a couple and they will take his (4 times your) income into account.

Try thinking of this another way. He's not buying a house with a mortgage. He's renting one in his name instead. Exactly the same applies. You don't get your housing benefit because it's 1) it's not in your name and 2) you are a couple and they take his income into account.

I'm lost here as to why you think losing the housing benefit reduces your income. It's not money in your pocket, it's your rent paid. You don't ever see that money in your pocket. By moving in with him, you no longer have that rent being paid by housing benefit because you no longer have a rental property in your name.

The reduction in your income will be losing universal credit/tax credits as you are no longer a single mother, but a couple.

I pay the rent,it comes out-of my account,I then got rent allowance included in my uc when I lived alone,if I moved in with him permanently/ long term I'd be contributing to the mortgage/bulls etc u just wouldn't be getting housing benefit so I would feel worse off cause I'd be paying towards the mortgage but getting any housing benefit to offset it,but the point of the thread wasn't about what uc I'm entitled to,but about childcare expectations when a single parent becomes part of a couple
OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 21:40

And therein lies the question, if its reasonable to not claim housing benefit as I'm part of a couple,is it then unreasonable to expect to feel like I'm in a couple and not a lone parent still,otherwise whats the benefit

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 21:44

I wouldn’t say being a couple means you have to look after the others kids though.

Obviously you do :) and you want him to be a parent of sorts to your wee one but he is entitled not to want to do that.

You have decisions to make.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 21:54

Im not saying i want him to be a parent,but after 7 years of having no other capable,responsible adult in the house,i thought once there was one there would be perks

OP posts:
Roblox01 · 28/07/2021 21:55

I think you need to look at the two points separately.

One, he is entitled to say no to the looking after of your son.

But then two, if he's asking you and son to move him with him you have to work out the finances and feel comfortable and some kind of security. That you are fully within your rights to do.

herewegoagain202106 · 28/07/2021 22:17

I would not be happy that he doesn't want any kind of caring responsibility towards your DS . 2and a half is long enough. What did he think when he moved in you? I am sorry OP but unless you want your son to feel as a nuisance because kids can tell when someone doesn't like them , you have to end the relationship or at least have a serious chat about where your relationship is going. At least you have found out how he really feels before going in even further and having a baby with him . Time to double on contraception.

Goodluck .

toocold54 · 28/07/2021 22:38

Im not saying i want him to be a parent

I’m really surprised someone would openly say it to be honest. Usually when someone wants you to live with them they’re saying how great it would be and they will do the cooking and the childcare etc even if it doesn’t actually happen lol but his entire attitude just seems off.
I wouldn’t necessarily break up with him but I definitely wouldn’t be moving in with him as I feel like you’d be worse off and if you did move in and then split up you’d be screwed. I’d give it another 12months at least.

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 23:27

I wonder if your Son is happy about this relationship that is forced upon him.. and the Guy wants zero to do with him..

sounds vile tbh 🌸

billy1966 · 28/07/2021 23:42

Be very wary OP.

He tolerates your son.

Your son deserves better.

He also sounds like a user.

Stay put and move on.

Flowers
Sakurami · 28/07/2021 23:55

If he moves in, he should treat your child as he would his own.

However, if he earns 4x as much there shouldn't be any need for you to work evenings. Especially because you'd only need to work evenings to afford to live with him. Therefore also sacrificing time with your son.

So my opinion is split up or live apart.

Blindleadingtheblind · 29/07/2021 00:17

OP, if you did move in to his mortgaged house with him, why would you be expected to half the bills? You earn considerable less. Would it not be fair to work out the finances as a ratio of 4:1 for example?

I dont understand step parents who refuse to do childcare for the kids they share a home with. You come as a package and should be treated as such. Just sounds bloody selfish to me to be 'civil' and 'polite' to a child you chose to take on (that was for PP who mentioned this). Blended families need to blend in my view.

Blindleadingtheblind · 29/07/2021 00:21

Also if you do move in on a more permanent basis, is the money not then classed a family money or would he be a tight arse about it? I would hate to love with someone who watched me scrimp by whilst they had money to burn. Sounds unfair to me and not very partner-y.

mikulkin · 29/07/2021 01:07

OP, I guess putting every evening on him for childcare is a bit steep after 6 months living together. Would he look after your child if you go out with your friends one night? If not then I would say forget about this man, but if yes, then he is not totally opposed to the idea, but he is not ready for every evening childcare, give it a time.
When it comes to moving into his house, the way I see it, if you are on deeds you contribute to mortgage but if you are not and you are losing your housing benefit then you should explain that to him and not contribute to mortgage. You can’t be financially worse off and pay money for something you don’t own.

QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 01:37

@mikulkin

OP, I guess putting every evening on him for childcare is a bit steep after 6 months living together. Would he look after your child if you go out with your friends one night? If not then I would say forget about this man, but if yes, then he is not totally opposed to the idea, but he is not ready for every evening childcare, give it a time. When it comes to moving into his house, the way I see it, if you are on deeds you contribute to mortgage but if you are not and you are losing your housing benefit then you should explain that to him and not contribute to mortgage. You can’t be financially worse off and pay money for something you don’t own.

I feel heart sorry for this Child .. his Mother has moved a guy into their home who acts like the Child does not exist..

So sad 🌸

QueenBee52 · 29/07/2021 01:39

@mikulkin

apologies milkulin

I don't know how I managed to quote you there lol .. it was not intended 🤣