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Original poster

Am I expecting too much

120 replies

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 14:40

So I've been a lone parent since my 9 year old was conceived. I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and he's been staying with me since December of this year. I casually asked if he would be prepared to help with childcare so I can get a 2nd job, evenings, as I don't earn much as a TA. He said no,he would want to be restricted by childcare,so I said what about when you have a child,he said that'd be different, i said because my son isn't yours? And he said yes. I'm quite upset tbh,the lack of support, the fact after 2.5 it's still me and my son vs him, it doesn't feel like a partnership,that he likes my son,that he's invested,I dunno. He's looking to buy a house and wants us to move in but won't put me on the mortgage which I think would leave me and my son very vulnerable. Would this bother you? Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

OP posts:
harverina · 28/07/2021 17:52

@Datingandnoideahowto

Also. I wouldn’t “have nothing to do with them” I’d be civil and polite but I would not have a regular arrangement that meant me looking after them on my own. Not ever.
The most you could manage to a step child is “civil and polite”?! Jeez 🙄

Maybe I am mad but I would expect a lot more from a partner and would not be in a relationship with someone - or rather, I wouldn’t progress the relationship beyond dating and living separately if that was how they were going to treat my child.

Surely if you cohabit with someone who has a child you go into this with a view that you are at some point going to mean something to that child and play a part in their life? (Not replacing another parent but playing a role in some way)

OP - I would run a mile sorry. Unless you are happy to live apart and just “date” each other. I wouldn’t move in with him and give up your earnings and I certainly wouldn’t be contributing to a family home without my contribution being recognised on the mortgage / deeds whatever.

Immaculatemisconception · 28/07/2021 17:55

I can't see a future for you with this twat man.

MilduraS · 28/07/2021 17:56

Nope my kids has no additional needs,his parents have been Foster carers his whole ife so he's not un used to kids

Maybe he has a skewed view of what it's like to look after children. Nobody in foster care has had an easy start to life. I have two sets of friends who have adopted and their children can be quite difficult to look after because they've had such bad experiences with adults in the past. I still remember one day when a 5 year old accidentally dropped a plate when he was helping to clear up after dinner. He burst into tears out of fear. It took me nearly 3 hours to calm him down and reassure him it was ok and just an accident. He was inconsolable and I felt helpless.

CassandraTrotter · 28/07/2021 17:56

it doesn't feel like a partnership
Thats all you need to know. Whats the point if it isnt a partnership?

HerrenaHarridan · 28/07/2021 17:58

He is using you for the nest you have built for your child.

And he wants you to help pay off his mortgage and give up your security.

What a nice guy

Marmitemarinaded · 28/07/2021 18:00

No bloody way would I have this man sharing a home with my son.

No way. Who wants to share a home with someone who doesn’t give a hoot about you.

Marmitemarinaded · 28/07/2021 18:01

You’re commuting benefit fraud

Marmitemarinaded · 28/07/2021 18:02

Committing

If he moved in “officially”

toocold54 · 28/07/2021 18:07

I would definitely be upset about not going on the mortgage if I was paying half of it.

I would also be happy to do childcare for my step children but I would find it very odd that a mother who’s spent her life being a single parent wants a 2nd job when she already has one and I earn a decent wage too.
I’d feel that they should be spending more time with their child so I’d probably refuse on that basis.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 18:18

@Marmitemarinaded

Committing

If he moved in “officially”

I've already addressed this,you've wrongly assumed I've not declared it
OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 28/07/2021 18:19

There's a big difference between ignoring a child and doing regular childcare.

This is what you're missing OP. DH is not our eldests biological dad. 6 months into living together, I wouldn't have been asking him to stay in with DS (who would have been a similar age) so I could go to work. DH works all day. If he wants to go and see a friend, enjoy the evening with me, meet his dad/brother/whoever for a drink, then that's his down time. He'd not have been impressed with working all day, coming home, passing each other in the hallway as I left, and he sat in front of the TV alone, to ensure someone was there with my child while I did a second job.

This does not mean DS was ignored. During the first 6 months we lived together, DH arranged a trip to Duxford for him. Tried to teach him to fish. Helped him pick out some trainers. That kind of thing.

Secondly, what's the second job in aid of in the bigger picture? You're moving in to his house where you aren't on the deeds or mortgage. So he's clearly not seeing this as the family home. It's his. That you can stay in. So, he'll be paying the mortgage. You'll need to make an appropriate contribution to the living costs, but as you say, he's cutting you out of anything to do with the house, and you've got your rent paid where you are now, so make it clear, there will be no situation where you are finally worse off, in order to move in with him. You're happy to work harder and pay off your joint family home. You're not working more to pay off his mortgage when he could technically kick you out any day he chose.

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 18:20

It’s a weird way to phrase it to be fair.

I’d expect you to have said more like “if he buys a house and I move in with him”. The “moves in officially” is language used by benefits cheats so you can surely understand why it comes across that way.

isitsummertimeyet · 28/07/2021 18:32

Surely you come as a package, that includes helping with child related duties.

Get rid of him if hes not all in..

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 18:35

@TwinsandTrifle

There's a big difference between ignoring a child and doing regular childcare.

This is what you're missing OP. DH is not our eldests biological dad. 6 months into living together, I wouldn't have been asking him to stay in with DS (who would have been a similar age) so I could go to work. DH works all day. If he wants to go and see a friend, enjoy the evening with me, meet his dad/brother/whoever for a drink, then that's his down time. He'd not have been impressed with working all day, coming home, passing each other in the hallway as I left, and he sat in front of the TV alone, to ensure someone was there with my child while I did a second job.

This does not mean DS was ignored. During the first 6 months we lived together, DH arranged a trip to Duxford for him. Tried to teach him to fish. Helped him pick out some trainers. That kind of thing.

Secondly, what's the second job in aid of in the bigger picture? You're moving in to his house where you aren't on the deeds or mortgage. So he's clearly not seeing this as the family home. It's his. That you can stay in. So, he'll be paying the mortgage. You'll need to make an appropriate contribution to the living costs, but as you say, he's cutting you out of anything to do with the house, and you've got your rent paid where you are now, so make it clear, there will be no situation where you are finally worse off, in order to move in with him. You're happy to work harder and pay off your joint family home. You're not working more to pay off his mortgage when he could technically kick you out any day he chose.

So if he bought a house and I moved in I assumed I wouldn't be able to claim housing benefit so then my income would be much lower and I wouldn't be able to contribute as much
OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 18:37

@Datingandnoideahowto

It’s a weird way to phrase it to be fair.

I’d expect you to have said more like “if he buys a house and I move in with him”. The “moves in officially” is language used by benefits cheats so you can surely understand why it comes across that way.

I guess I meant more permanently vs temporary
OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 28/07/2021 18:39

@toocold54

I would definitely be upset about not going on the mortgage if I was paying half of it.

I would also be happy to do childcare for my step children but I would find it very odd that a mother who’s spent her life being a single parent wants a 2nd job when she already has one and I earn a decent wage too.
I’d feel that they should be spending more time with their child so I’d probably refuse on that basis.

Not many ppl want a second job but if my income was massively reduced i may need one,I work in a school specifically to spend the maximum amount of time with my child please don't assume I'd want q second job to get away from my child thats a huge leap and not a fair one
OP posts:
Dragon50 · 28/07/2021 18:44

You are not necessarily expecting too much, but clearly you are expecting more than DP is willing to give.

I would end the relationship, not because he is necessarily being unreasonable but because you ha e differing expectations and my DC would be too high a price to sacrifice for that.

You can almost guarantee that if you had a child together, your child would be at a further disadvantage where DP is concerned.

TwinsandTrifle · 28/07/2021 18:59

Not many ppl want a second job but if my income was massively reduced i may need one

Yes, but you don't need a second job now, do you. You can perfectly well support yourself and your housing costs.

You only need a second job because you'll lose so much UC when you move in with him. And presumably, as you're not allowed to be on the mortgage or the deeds, you don't need to be paying for a house that you are prevented from having any security from. If he wants you to move in, with a child, and no security, and losing hundreds of your existing income, then he understands that he will be paying 90% of the costs for his house. Do not move at your detriment. He's literally profiting from you and giving you zero security or commitment in return.

toocold54 · 28/07/2021 19:11

Not many ppl want a second job but if my income was massively reduced i may need one

But surely that’s the benefit of moving in with someone you’ll have two incomes instead of one?
Your income would be reduced because your UC would take into account another earning adult to help pay half the bills.
You know that you’ve had a more difficult time financially because you were a single parent and if there was 2 of you it would have been easier.

If a drop in income is something you are worrying about especially when he earns a decent amount, then you really shouldn’t be moving in together.

What did he say when you said you’re getting a second job?
I wouldn’t care if we were skint there’s no way I’d allow my partner to do a full days work and then get an evening job too! That’s their relaxing time/spending time with their children. And especially knowing that I make enough to cover what they loose from UC.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/07/2021 19:19

Don’t move in with him to a house he owns. He could turf you out at any time?
Given you are now living together, are you able to save more because he is paying towards rent etc? If not then Why not??

Datingandnoideahowto · 28/07/2021 19:20

That’s the bit I don’t understand either @Rainbowqueeen. Surely if his living with the op had been declared, she would already have lost at least some UC?

QueenBee52 · 28/07/2021 19:27

Ignoring the ridiculous debate about benefits...

OP do not make yourself vulnerable my moving in with a Man who considers himself separate from you and you Son.. You lose all your security by even considering this move.

I would NOT marry him either .. he sounds like a right Knob.. who is happy to move into this Childs home but see this Child as ... an inconvenience that might encroach on his freedoms..

Pack his BAGS

Duchess379 · 28/07/2021 19:27

He sounds horrible. Get rid. Don't move in with him & definitely don't have kids with him. He will show preference to 'your' child over your son.

KurtWilde · 28/07/2021 19:33

Everything @QueenBee52 said. Not sure why people on this thread think your uc status is any of their business, especially as you've already addressed it, and your fella is a knob who will further demote your DS the deeper you get into this relationship. You'll also be in a very vulnerable position if you move into a house you essentially have no rights in. Time to bin him off now.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 28/07/2021 19:33

Neither of you are unreasonable

He doesn't see you as a long-term relationship imo. (Both the house and childcare thing) I'm
assuming that the amount of childcare you'd be hoping for wasn't excessive and that your son sleeps through reliably.

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