Am I expecting too much

[Badassbreastfeeder85]

So I've been a lone parent since my 9 year old was conceived. I've been with my bf for 2.5 years and he's been staying with me since December of this year. I casually asked if he would be prepared to help with childcare so I can get a 2nd job, evenings, as I don't earn much as a TA. He said no,he would want to be restricted by childcare,so I said what about when you have a child,he said that'd be different, i said because my son isn't yours? And he said yes. I'm quite upset tbh,the lack of support, the fact after 2.5 it's still me and my son vs him, it doesn't feel like a partnership,that he likes my son,that he's invested,I dunno. He's looking to buy a house and wants us to move in but won't put me on the mortgage which I think would leave me and my son very vulnerable. Would this bother you? Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

Everything you've said would be a deal breaker for me.
When you get into a relationship with someone who already has a child you accept that child as your own, I don't see how it could work any other way.
It wouldn't be fair for you to have another child with this man if he's prepared to treat them differently.
The mortgage thing would bother me too if you are in a long term committed relationship and are/will be living together then putting both your names on the mortgage would be logical. Would you be paying towards the mortgage? If so then I wouldn't be agreeing to unless my name was also on there.
He doesn't sound to me like he's in for the long haul.

If he’s living with you that needs to be declared.

@Twickytwo

Look at the stepparent board. Most step mums on here are reluctant to take on any childcare duties. I think you need to look for someone who wants the same things long term as you

I just can't imagine being a stepparent and not helping with the parenting, glad my step dad didn't feel that way

@Datingandnoideahowto

If he’s living with you that needs to be declared.

It is thanks, not the point of the thread tho but thanks

Being on the mortgage merely makes you liable for the debt to the mortgage company. It’s the deeds that matter.

I wouldn’t do childcare for anyone else’s child. Not my problem. I’d maybe at push mind then if their parent went to the shop but there’s no way I’d be having a regular arrangement.

@Datingandnoideahowto

Being on the mortgage merely makes you liable for the debt to the mortgage company. It’s the deeds that matter.

I wouldn’t do childcare for anyone else’s child. Not my problem. I’d maybe at push mind then if their parent went to the shop but there’s no way I’d be having a regular arrangement.

Even if you were married to and lived with someone who had a child,you'd just have nothing to do with them?

@mildlymiffed

I'd look after my dp's children and vice versa (for us it's so we can pursue exercise/hobbies). It's called being a partnership.

As long as neither side feel dumped on, it's okay.

Exactly this. When I was with my exdp I looked after his kids on occasion when needed and he did the same with mine. It's called supporting your partner.

I wouldn’t marry or live with someone who had a child that still needed minded. It’s that important to me.

Hmm.

I think I would be ok with doing some childcare, but I would not want to commit to it regularly - I.e 4 evenings a week.

Also. I wouldn’t “have nothing to do with them” I’d be civil and polite but I would not have a regular arrangement that meant me looking after them on my own. Not ever.

Does your DC have additional needs that would make childcare challenging? Because if he's 9 - surely he would pretty much look after himself?

If it was a toddler I would understand his attitude more (especially not having a child of his own.) But I think he's being a lazy twat in all honesty. And I wouldn't want to stay with someone who clearly saw my child as a burden.

The difference between being on the mortgage and deeds is moot. Unless he's got a deposit of well over 50%, no mortgage company would accept a second person on the deeds without them being on the mortgage.

OP you need a frank discussion about how you plan to arrange your finances together. Are you planning to contribute to the property purchase? Will he expect you to contribute to any maintenance or improvements on the property? Will there be any joint funds? If not, is he going to expect you to pay 50:50 to bills it will it be based on percentages of each income?

Of course it’ll be different if he has a child with you. He is highly unlikely to ever feel the same way about your child as you do. It only very rarely happens.

Currently, he’s dating a parent but isn’t one. You’ve only been cohabiting a few months. You’re being very unreasonable to expect him to commit to looking after your son so you can get a second job. He’s not wrong at all to say no to that.

There's a big difference between ignoring a child and doing regular childcare.

If I moved in with someone who had children, I would expect to help out with things like cooking for them, laundry, spend time with them, engage with them but I wouldn't want to be in sole charge of them regularly while their parent worked.

I wouldn't commit to the childcare unless it was only one or two nights a week, and definitely not regularly on the weekends. But a 9 yr old should be easy, make sure they eat and leave them at it.

When I was dating when my dd was young i never expected them to be responsible for her, i always thought if was doing it on my own what would i do then?

and of course he would be different with his own children, I think most people would. He probably cares for your dc but his love for his child will be different. I do hope he's contributing financially to your household. The mortgage/deed issue does pluck raise a flag for me.

@MattyGroves similar - I can see a situation where I’d be polite, cook tea and they’d be included, chat to them - but I’d never take on any kind of arrangement where I was left in sole charge.

If you are on the deeds you have to be on the mortgage if there is one and if you are on the mortgage you have to be on the deeds. Very simple

So you want a second job so you can afford to live with him. But you need him to help with childcare to get a second job. And he has said he wont help. Does he understand that living together is not an option unless this issue is resolved, he either helps with childcare or he pays more proportionally. That is the expectation if he lives with you, that in some way you actually financially benefit from it. That's why you lose the government benefits. He lack of acknowledgement of this bodes very poorly for the future. I would reconsider any move.

Do not move in with him.

You'd be leaving your home for zero security.

Meanwhile he's nicely building up his equity and has you contributing towards bills.

How would your son feel about being looked after alone by a man he’s lived with for 6 or 7 months?

if we moved in officially I'd lose about £800 a month uc

Does that mean you've not told Dwp you're living together?

Rent v own is not the only difference.

And you can claim uc housing costs if you have a mortgage too under certain circumstances but it does sound as if you haven't told dwp. Not worth the risk imo

BUT I think what is far more concerning is it is clear he does not consider your child his family, and would obviously treat a biological child better. That's setting up both (potential) children for a lifetime of messed up psychology!

It's particularly a problem when the step child is a boy as often what happens is the lad reaches natural stroppy teen phase and men like this then tend to work to squeeze them out of the family home ASAP. Seen it time and again in real life and on here.

That would be my cue to dump to be perfectly honest.

Is he contributing fairly financially just now?

@Datingandnoideahowto

I wouldn’t marry or live with someone who had a child that still needed minded. It’s that important to me.

Well not about to rehome my 9 year old so, moot point in my situation

@AnneLovesGilbert

How would your son feel about being looked after alone by a man he’s lived with for 6 or 7 months?

We have been together 2.5 years so he's not a stranger

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Does your DC have additional needs that would make childcare challenging? Because if he's 9 - surely he would pretty much look after himself?

If it was a toddler I would understand his attitude more (especially not having a child of his own.) But I think he's being a lazy twat in all honesty. And I wouldn't want to stay with someone who clearly saw my child as a burden.

Nope my kids has no additional needs,his parents have been Foster carers his whole ife so he's not un used to kids

Encourage him to buy a place of his own asap;; just don't move into it with him.