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Original poster

Opinion on man who left wife when baby was six months old.

120 replies

aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 11:43

Following on from another thread , except the man in question did not have an affair.
They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love .
The man has continued to have and parent his child eow / holidays / evenings and pays maintenance over and above the recommended ... and yes I know it's a disgraceful paltry sum as a minimum.
Both parents enjoy a good i relationship now .
Would you think less of him?

OP posts:
SausagePourHomme · 27/07/2021 11:49

It would depend on what accountability and self reflection he took away. If most of those reasons he thinks were "her fault" because she was unreasonable or crazy that would be a red flag.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2021 11:50

Yes.

Megan2018 · 27/07/2021 11:52

The first couple of years after a child is really hard on relationships. I judge anyone who isn’t prepared to see that period through and see how things change. Those first 6 months are tough especially.
Complete disrespect for vows!

Obviously abuse doesn’t count. But otherwise people should bloody well try harder. Poor child.

YouMadeABear · 27/07/2021 11:56

I would tbh. When the going got tough he bailed very quickly. "Lack of intimacy" ffs with a 6 month baby.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2021 11:56

They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love
Which bit was his? If hes saying it's all on her then i wouldn't go there. If he accepts he wasn't perfect and he's learnt from it, then i wouldn't judge specifically around the baby's age. Women on here would be told its ok to leave of they're unhappy and on the surface it sounds fairly mutual.
The good relationship with his ex and paying above CM payments would go in his favour.

How old os baby?
What % of the week does heh ave the

Wjevtvha · 27/07/2021 11:57

No, not if he still played an active role in the child’s life and supported the mum. At times me and DH were holding on by our finger tips in that first year and if either of us made the decision to leave then it’s no ones business but our own.
Are mums who leave with the baby judged too?

Original poster
aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 11:58

They don't speak badly about one another. She moved on and met her current partner of 10 years some months later . The child is not to be pitied . He has a very
Loving mother, father and stepdad . There was guilt and suicidal thoughts on his part for some time afterwards . Therapy helped .

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/07/2021 12:00

Hmmm not impressed tbh. I think it’s a selfish move, done without trying very hard. I bet the woman in question was overjoyed to be a single parent given that she had no choice.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/07/2021 12:00

Not really. I don’t think anyone should stay in a relationship with somebody they don’t love or want to be with anymore just because they have a baby. I don’t think it makes somebody a better person because they clung to a relationship which wasn’t working and was making both them and their partner unhappy. What’s to admire or respect about that?

Ultimatecougar · 27/07/2021 12:01

Yes. If he left her and it wasn't a mutual decision. She was left on her own with a small baby and eow is nothing in comparison.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 27/07/2021 12:02

6 months is nothing, unless the parents were teenagers themselves dealing with an unplanned pregnancy?

If adults in a commited relationship deliberately ttc then I agree - "falling out of love" and giving up by the time the baby is just 6 months old isn't an indication of being someone who's much of a catch for a future partner. That is giving up incredibly easily...

The guy might be an okay person but a bit hopeless and utterly unappealing as a potential partner.

YellowClouds · 27/07/2021 12:04

Exhaustion and lack of intimacy is pretty much par for the course.

If they were already living in poverty I can't imagine being left as a single parent improved that situation much.

Pogacar · 27/07/2021 12:05

It’s pretty pathetic to leave six months after a baby is born. You’ve made a human life together but can’t hang around in the relationship until their first birthday? Honestly I’d think he was a fair weather partner.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/07/2021 12:06

It depends why he left. But yes, he made vows that he didn't stick to for very long, thats not good.

Blossomandbee · 27/07/2021 12:06

I think there's a difference between a man who left this wife, and a couple who mutually agreed to separate as it wasn't working.
6 months is a very young baby, but arguments and toxic atmosphere aren't great around a baby either.
Life isn't black and white so I wouldn't automatically judge no. It sounds like they made the right decision based on what you've said.

Buckleyourseatbelt · 27/07/2021 12:07

I guess this is someone you want to go out with? I mean, he’s going to spin it for you, but if you honestly think he does enough then fine. I’d avoid like the plague, but that’s me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/07/2021 12:08

@Blossomandbee

I think there's a difference between a man who left this wife, and a couple who mutually agreed to separate as it wasn't working. 6 months is a very young baby, but arguments and toxic atmosphere aren't great around a baby either. Life isn't black and white so I wouldn't automatically judge no. It sounds like they made the right decision based on what you've said.
This. Was it genuinely mutual and done kindly?
CagneyNYPD · 27/07/2021 12:10

Are you him @aquariusladies?

Wheretobuy · 27/07/2021 12:11

Every other week is not parenting. Does he pay enough maintenance to cover half of all the chores that come with having a six month old child? Guess not.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/07/2021 12:14

My ex did it to me, and then to his next wife.

It just shows someone who is selfish with no commitment to me.

He was enough in love to make a baby and plan for it. But couldn’t be arsed to stick around for it. You can’t just go off someone as fast as that. Poor littleman child had his nose pushed out of joint. Arguments are par for the course after a baby and he could have attempted to work through them as a mature adult. 6 months is no time.

What a catch.

Maggiesfarm · 27/07/2021 12:16

@SausagePourHomme

It would depend on what accountability and self reflection he took away. If most of those reasons he thinks were "her fault" because she was unreasonable or crazy that would be a red flag.
That is very well put.

I also wonder if he, and his ex, were very young at the time, he particularly not prepared for the realities of fatherhood.

Everybody makes mistakes. It sounds as though your man is doing everything he can for his child.

Give it a go but don't get into setting up home with him just yet.

Nerfelite · 27/07/2021 12:16

On the outside, yes I would think badly of them. I was actually talking to DH about this the other day. In short, a new neighbour has moved in and I have taken an instant dislike to him because he is an EOW who has moved in with another woman. I was telling DH that I do think badly of men who have left their children. DH said I was terrible for having that opinion. I will accept every situation isn't black and white and I have my own prejudices around this. But I do still think this.

My relationship is far from perfect. DH and I have had our fair share of problems including poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion and lack of intimacy. Especially when our children were younger. But we both accepted to work on our problems because we love our children and want to be with them everyday. The children are our priority. My DH left temporarily and what brought him back was having to tell our sons he was moving out for a while.

FlatteredFool · 27/07/2021 12:20

Yes, I'd think badly of him. He made vows and bailed when things got tough. It's amazing how many men can't cope with not being the centre of attention once a baby is born.

Crowsaregreat · 27/07/2021 12:21

Yes. Having babies is hard. It's not about having a nice time. You stick it out instead of leaving someone else to deal with it five or six days a week.

I don't mean you stick it out forever if a relationship is not working, but you get through the toughest bit of having a baby together.

I think most of the time if a man leaves early on, it's because his ego can't take not being the sole centre of attention any more.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/07/2021 12:23

@Blossomandbee

I think there's a difference between a man who left this wife, and a couple who mutually agreed to separate as it wasn't working. 6 months is a very young baby, but arguments and toxic atmosphere aren't great around a baby either. Life isn't black and white so I wouldn't automatically judge no. It sounds like they made the right decision based on what you've said.
This. I wouldn't write him off on that fact alone, it's not black and white. There would be circumstances where a baby would be better off having their parents split up but still both involved and it sounds like he's struggled and feels bad for the decision he/they made, so he didn't take it lightly.

People fuck up in life sometimes, if he's a good involved Dad who contributes significantly both financially and as a parent to his child and he doesn't blame it all on his Ex, I wouldn't rush to judgement on this. If he'd walked out on his child I would absolutely judge him, but it doesn't sound like that's what he's done.