Opinion on man who left wife when baby was six months old.

[aquariusladies]

Following on from another thread , except the man in question did not have an affair.
They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love .
The man has continued to have and parent his child eow / holidays / evenings and pays maintenance over and above the recommended ... and yes I know it's a disgraceful paltry sum as a minimum.
Both parents enjoy a good i relationship now .
Would you think less of him?

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

I've seen so many threads on where where MN posters encourage women to leave a man while they are pregnant or have a young child. It could be because the man is abusive or simply because he isn't pulling his weight or arguments are getting her down, whatever, but many of us say we would think badly of a man who leaves. Why is it different if the man leaves? Is it because the woman is the one perceived as left "holding the baby" as it were?

Yes. Almost exclusively. I've personally never known of a woman being the one to leave their joint months old baby with it's father full time.

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon yes that’s why. Leaving a woman literally with the vast majority of the childcare within weeks of giving birth is a shit move.
It is different if the woman ends the relationship, as generally she isn’t dumping all the baby care on the other partner. A partner who may still be physically and mentally healing from childbirth

They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love

It depends.

Did that all happen in the 6 months/15 months she was pregnant or had it been building for years and after the baby it just became obvious that it wasn't working? If the latter absolutely not.

Couples break up sometimes, leaving doesn't make anyone the bad guy.

Women are often heralded on here for leaving their partners, men should be granted the same courtesy. He clearly wasn't happy, presumably neither was she and it's better for a baby to have two separate, happy parents.

He's under no obligation to stay with her 'for the children'. That is tried, tested and never works. Surely better when she's younger so it's not happening when she has awareness of what's going on around her.

So they fell apart due to poverty and him leaving was the solution? How much worse off was the mum after he left? Or did he just let the benefit system support his child?

Paying above the minimum is still peanuts. My guess is his contribution didn't even cover nappies.

I'd assume he was a quitter who found out too late he wasn't cut out for the drudgery of parenting and then didn't have the moral backbone to do the right thing and stick it out. I certainly wouldn't risk a child with him.

No. It's nobody else's business. It's easy to judge if you have not been in that position yourself and it sounds like the couple concerned made the best decision they could in difficult circumstances for their child and for themselves.

[quote Ultimatecougar]@BunnytheFriendlyDragon yes that’s why. Leaving a woman literally with the vast majority of the childcare within weeks of giving birth is a shit move.
It is different if the woman ends the relationship, as generally she isn’t dumping all the baby care on the other partner. A partner who may still be physically and mentally healing from childbirth[/quote]
So what? He should stay indefinitely?

It wasn't weeks, it was six months. She wasn't 6 weeks post-partum. Most women are functioning 'normally' albeit with a baby.

When do you think he should have been allowed to leave?

I would think he was a total scum bag

Imagine having the audacity to whine about ‘lack of intimacy’ and exhaustion with a newborn

He's under no obligation to stay with her 'for the children'. That is tried, tested and never works.

True, but very few separated dads take responsibility for 50% of the financial and practical responsibilities involved in having a child. So in reality they abandon their children to a greater or lesser degree and let the mum do their job for them.

Although this is just a reflection of what happens in many relationships anyway. If men stepped up and did their share of childcare and chores, women might have more energy to invest in the relationship and for 'intimacy' - sometimes I wonder if anyone has ever explained that to the poor darlings .

I wouldn't judge, as that's not my place, and nobody knows the full circumstances of anyone else's relationship.

However, if I met a man who'd done this, I would absolutely give him a wide berth.

The reality is, however cordial they now are, the mother was left with the bulk of child care & responsibilities, at a vulnerable time. On a personal level, I wouldn't be prepared to trust the man in a relationship.

I guess that is a form of judgment 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know a guy who did this and he just had no tolerance for his perfect life to change one iota once baby came along. He was a total weasel whose number one priority in his life was his own pleasure. The fact that he created this new human and then want prepared to allow it to take any space and push any of his things aside was an irrelevance. Later he played dad wow, and on the surface of it was devoted and have his son lots of attention and experiences. In practice this was only possible because 95% of the time he could please himself and be selfish, courtesy of the child's mother of course. You won't be surprised to know he's also a sleaze. So shitty shallow people do this kind of thing. Are there ever exceptions, well of course, but the fact that selfish people often make these kinds of choices also isn't a coincidence.

My ex left me when ds was a baby,

Ds is 27 now and thinks his dad is a knob.

It wouldn’t be a great start, no.

I also would not lay accolades at his feet because he pays more than the bare minimum to support his child and I do not understand parents satisfied with EOW.

Well i see the break up happened over a decade ago op so i guess it depends who he is now, why he doesn't have a fairer level of contact etc

Absolutely I would.

Yes

If the man or woman who chooses to end the relationship has the DC for 50% (or more) of the time after the split then I would not judge them.

Otherwise, yes I would. I know relationships fail, but 6 months is so young. Most of the problems listed in the OP may be resolved within a few months.

'lack of intimacy' from birth to six months. Oh dear.

What do you want from the relationship, OP? To settle down and children?

I'd be tempted to ask him to unpick some of the statements, OP? What was the perfectionism? What is the ex wanting him to clean the house?

I'd judge him a bit to be honest. But I don't buy into the whole excuse of having a baby is difficult on relationships. That's kind of bloody obvious.

Of course it's going to be difficult. You're suddenly not just a couple, you have a child that requires most of your attention. Your partner is still in pain and probably can't have sex for weeks if not months. You're both going to be tired, as you will not get the usual amount of sleep due to the kid asking up through the night. You have less money because of the baby.

None of this is unknown to people, except the completely oblivious. He has left because it got hard and he couldn't be arsed dealing with it. That's the simple and short explanation.

I take it the OP is the runaway Dad and either is finally feeling guilty about it or has met someone who has made it clear they do think less of him.

I think if parents are going to split that it’s better to do it while the DC are young and not really aware as in the OP’s case.

I assume the pregnancy wasn’t planned due to the aforementioned poverty and it wasn’t a case of being happily together for years, consciously TTC a planned baby then the father can’t cope with the lack of attention, hard work and curtailed freedom so does a runner, that I would heavily judge!

This child is now 10 years old from the OP so if as he says, he provides well for his DC and has a big input in his life, child has a loving relationship with him and the ex doesn’t have anything bad to say, I wouldn’t feel any less of him. Probably wouldn’t risk having DC with him though!

Depends on other factors. Were they married so he walked away from his vows. Was the child planned by both. Who was overspending or not pulling their weight financially?

I think it’s to easy to say men don’t take the babies, how many mums would allow them to? Many don’t like 50/50 let alone not being the resident parent.

@aquariusladies

Following on from another thread , except the man in question did not have an affair. They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love . The man has continued to have and parent his child eow / holidays / evenings and pays maintenance over and above the recommended ... and yes I know it's a disgraceful paltry sum as a minimum. Both parents enjoy a good i relationship now . Would you think less of him?

Yes, I'd have an extremely low opinion of him. Not saying I'm right and every situation is of course different, but I wouldn't go near a man who left his wife with a newborn in the picture. Sounds like he has a terrible character as those newborn months or even the next couple of years can be like unbelievably stressful for any couple and can push even the healthiest relationship to the brink for a while. Difference is that many men push through and take the bad times with the good, not bail.

Not saying I'm right, just what I'd think.

Since we all largely live life on repeat, that form of behaviour is very likely to happen again.

For example, he gets into a new relationship, commitments are made, honeymoon period wears off, man starts thinking the relationship isn't what he wants and leaves.

People like to believe in change and self-betterment because it makes us feel in control. In my experience, most people stay relentlessly the same.

No prince

Judge him? No. Date him? No way on this earth.

If OP is the dad then surely he realised that lack of intimacy was a result of him overworking and her being even more exhausted as a result. If intimacy is to happen in the first year it's because the partner has been supportive and that means being present for starters.

The overspending - did she overspend as in get help in like a cleaner it was she buying items like clothing and make up? Was he the overspender? Was it on stuff that she benefitted from too? Was the baby planned? Unless the dad lost his job between conception and birth didn't any financial planning occur?