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Original poster

Opinion on man who left wife when baby was six months old.

120 replies

aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 11:43

Following on from another thread , except the man in question did not have an affair.
They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love .
The man has continued to have and parent his child eow / holidays / evenings and pays maintenance over and above the recommended ... and yes I know it's a disgraceful paltry sum as a minimum.
Both parents enjoy a good i relationship now .
Would you think less of him?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 27/07/2021 19:26

Yes I would judge based on the reasons given for leaving the relationship
Lack of intimacy, stress, and tiredness normal with a baby that age
Perfectionism - what does that mean?? It comes across like the Mum expected baby to be cared for to a certain standard and Dad wouldn’t meet that.

Poverty - made worse for baby by leaving
Over spending - by who
Over working -???
Arguments - I’d want to know more about why they were arguing

Reasons given generally to me come across as someone who couldn’t handle the change a newborn brings and chose to bail
Bailing when the going gets tough is not an admirable quality

Paddling654 · 27/07/2021 19:27

I'm afraid so.

Paddling654 · 27/07/2021 19:30

He's under no obligation to stay with her 'for the children'. That is tried, tested and never works.

Huh. It works better than one woman doing everything during those physicallly demanding first months/years. I'm sure the bloke turning over in bed and enjoying unbroken nights sleep most of the time would agree with you, though.

Moonface123 · 27/07/2021 19:30

Some men are just not cut out to be fathers,
It would be interesting to hear her version and l would certainly think twice before getting pregnant with him.

Dogsandbabies · 27/07/2021 19:32

I don't know to be honest.

My exH left when my baby was 2 weeks old. And was having an affair. And he wasn't reliable for the first few years in terms of contact and maintenance. I do loathe the man.

But he has been with his now wife for the last 7 years. They seem happy, and hot married last year. Have two nice boys. As much as I dislike him I think that the problem was 'us'. And has reliably stayed with his family now.

colouringindoors · 27/07/2021 19:38

Yes I would.

OP If you're thinking of having a child with this man, are you sure he wouldn't do it again?

Original poster
aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 19:47

So to give facts as I know both very well and do t want to assume .
He workedthree jobs as they took out huge mortgage and he lost his main job which paid more than thethree together .she felt neglected .
She wanted a baby badly . He wasn't sure . She gave up work once she found out she got pregnant and decided that until child was school going age, would not go back .full stop .
He worked shifts in two jobs . This upset her . She refused to hand over baby once father got home. She was worried that something would happen baby if not with her . She is a perfectionist . He could not do anything to her standard . She wanted to bottle feed and change baby eclysiviely. He felt shut out . They decided not to upgrade car or holiday as mortgage repayments were so high . She booked a holiday with her mother and sisters and baby and bought a new car on loans from her family . He went nuts . These are the only facts I have .

OP posts:
Original poster
aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 19:50

I have no romantic connection to either man or woman .

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 27/07/2021 19:51

These are the only facts I have

Uh huh. And these “facts” have undoubtedly come straight out of the mouth of the man in question.

I’d like to hear her side of it.

Original poster
aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 19:53

Sorry I should have said that these are from both people. Just facts .

OP posts:
Crowsaregreat · 27/07/2021 19:55

Mmngh, I mean maybe she was a nightmare, who knows? That scenario could also be that he worked all hours, gave her no support, wouldn't let him waltz in and take over with a baby he spent no time with. They couldn't afford a holiday or car but she managed with help from family and he felt undermined by that. Plus to be honest, he's badmouthing the mother of his kid to you. She can't be that bad or he wouldn't have got with her. If he said 'I worked long hours, she found it stressful, we couldn't make it work' I'd still think it was giving up too easily after six months. Six months is no time at all to let everything settle down and try to resolve any problems.

NoYOUbekind · 27/07/2021 20:02

I wouldn't judge, who the hell am I to judge? I certainly wouldn't ever be hitching my wagon to his star though and I would not consider having a child with someone who could walk away from a tough situation leaving the mother of his child and his child in an even tougher one.

StormyTeacups · 27/07/2021 20:03

Uh huh. What one sided 'facts' you have.

I'd think he was a quitter tbh.

Original poster
aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 20:05

Ok thanks. I've just always battled those thoughts . How could a man leave his wife with a new child . How were things so bad . Interesting opinions . He has had a long term relationship and she has been in one since some months later . Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
aquariusladies · 27/07/2021 20:06

I would not want my daughter married to him nor would I want my son to be him. I felt conflicted .

OP posts:
equuscaballus · 27/07/2021 20:12

No I wouldn't judge. You practically described my (current) partner!

Some relationships don't work out/were never meant to be and people mature and grow with time.

I think some people are being overly harsh here.

Windmillwhirl · 27/07/2021 20:13

No, I wouldn't. As long as he provides for his child I would not have a problem.

5128gap · 27/07/2021 20:15

I'd think he was a bit of a limp lettuce to sit back passively and have all that done 'to him'. A baby, that he wasn't sure about wanting, at a time when he was financially struggling, to a mother with traits he finds hard to tolerate, did not just appear through sheer bad luck. He allowed the situation to occur, and then ran away from it when it got too much. He sounds very weak.

equuscaballus · 27/07/2021 20:15

Ps my partner also used the classic "my ex is nuts" line.

After 11 yrs together I can say that she is not nuts, she is however pathological liar and bloody hard work!

SionnachRua · 27/07/2021 20:16

Wouldn't bother me. It was a long time ago, mum seems to be in a good place with a new partner, he provides for the child. Some relationships just don't work out.

I also wouldn't be interested in knowing any of this information unless I was in a relationship with him. It's a past partner from a long time ago - what relevance would it have to me?

SpindleWhorl · 27/07/2021 20:23

Are mums who leave with the baby judged too?

Hell, yes.

Why did you do this ...
Why did you not do that ...
Why why why
Oh well I'd never let that happen to me
Oh well I'd never have got into that situation
Why did you have a baby with this man?
Could you not increase your hours?
Stop winding him up maybe
Well you can obviously afford a smart phone

Source: about a hundred current threads on MN, and oh yeah real life, passim

Dervel · 27/07/2021 20:25

I’ve done something similar, people are free to judge. There are always consequences to choices like these and other people’s judgements are one of them.

Grenlei · 27/07/2021 20:28

Yes and no.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing we all have situations that looking back we might have handled differently. People are also human and make mistakes. And walking away from a failing relationship, knowing when and where to draw the line, can be a positive.

Having said all that, I knew someone who left his Ex a few months after their baby was born. It had been an unplanned pregnancy, their relationship was early days at that point, and he said it really just wasn't working between them, she deserved better,etc. All very cogent and persuasive.

Except a year or so later, he met someone else. She was pregnant within a few months. And before that baby was a year old, he'd moved on to the next woman. (And moved 500 miles away to another UK country. Needless to say he doesn't exactly see either kid regularly now).

So based on that knowledge, I'd be more than a little sceptical.

GoldBar · 27/07/2021 20:30

The thing about mums which makes the difference is that they normally leave with the baby, not without it.

Yes, relationships don't work out but the consequences of figuring this out post-DC are borne overwhelmingly by one gender in particular.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/07/2021 20:34

@aquariusladies

So to give facts as I know both very well and do t want to assume . He workedthree jobs as they took out huge mortgage and he lost his main job which paid more than thethree together .she felt neglected . She wanted a baby badly . He wasn't sure . She gave up work once she found out she got pregnant and decided that until child was school going age, would not go back .full stop . He worked shifts in two jobs . This upset her . She refused to hand over baby once father got home. She was worried that something would happen baby if not with her . She is a perfectionist . He could not do anything to her standard . She wanted to bottle feed and change baby eclysiviely. He felt shut out . They decided not to upgrade car or holiday as mortgage repayments were so high . She booked a holiday with her mother and sisters and baby and bought a new car on loans from her family . He went nuts . These are the only facts I have .
They don't sound like 'facts', they sound like the story according to one of the two parties involved...