Opinion on man who left wife when baby was six months old.

[aquariusladies]

Following on from another thread , except the man in question did not have an affair.
They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love .
The man has continued to have and parent his child eow / holidays / evenings and pays maintenance over and above the recommended ... and yes I know it's a disgraceful paltry sum as a minimum.
Both parents enjoy a good i relationship now .
Would you think less of him?

Yes I judge, I was the woman in this situation albeit my baby had just turned 1. He decided family life wasn't for him and got back with his ex gf who liked drugs and drinking. Once than fizzled out he realised what he missed out. It was bloody hard trying to work and support my baby on my own, I lost my home,career everything I hit rock bottom it was OK him having ds once a week even then he dropped him off to mil and went to the pub. Took me a good year to come out of that dark place and met dh who we been together for 11 years. Ex has a good relationship with ds now and is a good father but he was terrible the first 2 years of his life. Having had another 2 dc with dh you muddle on with life when you have dc especially more so if you have more than one that's life you don't just give up at the first hurdle.

I would need to know more before I judged him.

Was it a mutual idea to split? I personally dont assume lack of intimacy as lack of sex and so automatically him being a selfish prick. It could mean just that - a lack of intimacy in the relationship due to becoming a three instead of a two. It's not for all couples and sometimes I imagine you just know that what you had before becoming parents isnt going to be sustainable afterwards as a couple. But it sounds like they have both genuinely co-parented well.

So no on balance, I'd need to hear the ex's point of view before I judged anything.

No because it’s not my business to judge him.

Are you the man?

However ex would spin a different story on it as they all do they don't hold their hands up and admit to their mistakes do they.

Yes I would think less of him. I wouldn’t take the relationship any further because to be honest I have a total lack of respect for this type of man.

Dick move and I wouldn't trust him not to do the same with DC2.

These replies are interesting.

I ended the relationship with my husband when our youngest was 4 months old. It had been coming for a while, was not out of the blue.

Am I to be judged too? Or is it okay because the children stayed with me?

Judge is a very loaded word. I wouldn’t stop being friends with him but I also wouldn’t consider him a good relationship prospect.

In a long term relationship there are difficult times and you need and deserve to have someone to your back at those times. Having a baby is unbelievably hard and mostly you’re taking a gamble when you choose a partner. If I already knew that he had not risen to challenge, I wouldn’t assume he’d be any better with me.

It would friend if the relationship difficulties started when baby arrived. If so then man has no staying power and is a fair weather friend kind of character. If the relationship has been in trouble long before and both parties agreed it was not going to get any better then that's different, though a shame to bring a child into that.

Friend = depend

@DumplingsAndStew I’ll probably get flamed for this but I don’t think it’s equivalent. The burden of a baby falls disproportionately on the woman, because there are health issues and hormones, before you get into the socially constructed problems.

If you’ve dumped off a useless partner I’d be judging him not you.

@DumplingsAndStew

These replies are interesting.

I ended the relationship with my husband when our youngest was 4 months old. It had been coming for a while, was not out of the blue.

Am I to be judged too? Or is it okay because the children stayed with me?

I think that's part of the difference people are pointing out in individual situations - abdicating yourself from the stressful day to day care of a new baby is shitty, whereas continuing to be a fully invested parent sharing the emotional and other stresses of that stage isn't.

I personally think it's sensible to split up when the relationship isn't working, even if the little one is a baby, if you're sure. Otherwise the child is in a toxic and unhealthy environment. That shouldn't mean one parent has to do 90% of the parenting though, but unfortunately often does if one party runs off and just wants to do the fun bits - which is unfair.

[quote thelegohooverer]@DumplingsAndStew I’ll probably get flamed for this but I don’t think it’s equivalent. The burden of a baby falls disproportionately on the woman, because there are health issues and hormones, before you get into the socially constructed problems.

If you’ve dumped off a useless partner I’d be judging him not you.[/quote]
You put this much better than me!

Absolutely not.

@DumplingsAndStew I understand your viewpoint and it's what forms mine as well.

I loved my husband madly right up until the baby was put into my arms and it was like a switch turned - the love for my daughter was so strong and innate it totally devalued whatever it was I had with my husband at the time and I knew it was a slow march to the end from that point. I withdrew from him physically and mentally, not on purpose but it's just how it went. It happens both ways.

I wouldn’t judge either of them 10 years down the line if they have gone on to be great co parents and happy in their own lives.

Kids are hard work and as many pps had said, they could destroy even the most stable and loving relationships so I do think that you need to work at it after a baby, work really hard to keep things going.

That said, it could be that the relationship was failing either before or during pregnancy completely unrelated to the baby. Therefore would I expect two people to stay in an unhappy and ill matched relationship? No.

I wouldn’t judge bc on the face of it the decision was the right one and the child has a great relationship with both parents.
Much worse to grow up in a home where your parents clearly hate / dislike / ambivalent towards each other

Leaving someone with most of the burden of caring for a young baby is a bit shit, tbh. Especially if the baby was wanted by both of you.

It's not like the mother can send the child back. And single parents often have a shit time in life... very few people would choose that.

I’d assume the OP written by a man or by the child free next girlfriend who is being told this story, 100% not by any woman who has had a baby! Mainly because of the language used in the list of excuses why he left..

I’d also steer well clear of having kids with him. I’ve met/know a few men like this, basically completely self-centred - but then subsequently very happy in a child-free second marriage where they remain the centre of attention. Also happy because the sacrifice of parenting is limited to paying money and being a Disney dad eow and holidays whilst avoiding the actual hard work, sacrifice and grind of being the resident parent.

Any man that states ‘lack of intimacy’ when he left within 24 weeks of birth as if that’s a reasonable thing to say deserves judgement IMO. Some people just aren’t cut out to be parents - if they recognise the fact that they are too self-centred before becoming one then fair play, I can see the appeal of living a life centred around having fun etc.

Sadly it’s not always evident until the reality hits them & this sounds like what happened here (& thankfully it sounds like his ex found a man with a bit more substance & also had the strength and dignity to make the relationship with the father of her child work amicably- well done her!!). So yep - a bit of judgement 😂!!

How is poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion and lack of intimacy solved for both parents by breaking up?

I'd say that the part-time parent can work less, sleep more, work less and have more time for sex/wanking/dating but the parent with the baby is going to have the opposite.

It all hinges on if the break up was a mutual suggestion or not. Sometimes relationships break down when children are small and it's for the best that parents split and maybe the mum had family who could support her better than the Dad so didn't necessarily struggle. If you want to date this person do it. Plenty of men date with babies and don't think twice about what people might think

I wouldn't automatically think badly of him with the information you have provided OP

If this man was a friend, acquaintance, colleague or relative then the facts alone would not change how I thought about him

The only situation where the information may be relevant is if you were thinking about become romantically involved or considering starting a family with the man in question. In those circumstances I would want to know more detail and other people's perspectives (who knew him at the time) but in any other scenario I wouldn't think it was any of my business

the part-time parent can work less, sleep more, work less and have more time for sex/wanking/dating but the parent with the baby is going to have the opposite.

Yup. The father solves these problems by running away. The mother is left to deal with them all by herself. What a prize...

If actually the mother's life is easier by herself than with the father around, that tells you something about the level of financial, practical and emotional support he was providing to her and his child.

I've seen so many threads on where where MN posters encourage women to leave a man while they are pregnant or have a young child. It could be because the man is abusive or simply because he isn't pulling his weight or arguments are getting her down, whatever, but many of us say we would think badly of a man who leaves. Why is it different if the man leaves? Is it because the woman is the one perceived as left "holding the baby" as it were?

These men never leave offering to look after the child full time do they.

But to be fair it was much easier looking after my baby without my ex husbands input. He just made more work for me and was always moaning so it was a case of good riddance.

Throwing out a useless partner who is getting in the way of you caring for your baby isn't avoiding responsibility, it's taking responsibility.

Abandoning your wife and child because you're fed up of the reality of sleepless nights, endless feeds, dirty nappies and not coming first is a different matter altogether.

So yes it does come down to who is left 'holding the baby'.