Opinion on man who left wife when baby was six months old.

[aquariusladies]

Following on from another thread , except the man in question did not have an affair.
They as a couple completely fell apart due to poverty , over working, overspending, stress, perfectionism , arguments, exhaustion, lack of intimacy . The list goes on. They fell out of love .
The man has continued to have and parent his child eow / holidays / evenings and pays maintenance over and above the recommended ... and yes I know it's a disgraceful paltry sum as a minimum.
Both parents enjoy a good i relationship now .
Would you think less of him?

i would think less of him.
I would think even less of him if he spent time describing or demonstrating to me how much of a "great" dad he is by having the child every other weekend or whatever. That arrangement pales into insignificance compared with someone who is committed, stays through the tough times,shows up every day in the mundane as well as the exciting etc. No comparison.

You arent describing anything unusual about the early days of parenting. It's a hellhole, really. It's understandable that people have a really hard time with that, and may need help. But bailing with a 6 month old? Really? Poor show.

If it happened last week, I’d probably give him a wide berth, especially as a potential partner. Ten years? I’m a completely different person to a decade ago, so I’d judge him on who he is now.

So this seems more like one person's expectations doesn't match their reality and in the face of implacable unreason the other party had to admit defeat. Well those are the kinds of exceptions to the rule (assuming that's all true) which mean he isn't the flake that many who make that choice are. Let's hope she's matured since then

I dunno. It sounds like one of those tall tales from a certain type of website. Who really knows?

What's wrong with him, apart from being human and doing his best?

I realise that "mumsnet" is not the place to doubt that a woman and her baby are the centre of the universe.

I think it would depend on the scenario.

In the situation you describe, I don’t think the dh wasn’t necessarily the guilty party - they both contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. She was not allowing him to be a dad to his child, and was shutting him out. She resented him working but then wanted a new car. It seems they weren’t singing off the same sheet, and were pulling apart, not together.

These are the only facts I have .

'Facts' you say? 🧐

I presume these 'facts' came from the man in this scenario.

No relationship is ever this one-sided.

What is your connection to the couple? Why do you care, if no romantic involvement?

@aquariusladies

Sorry I should have said that these are from both people. Just facts .

Really? I doubt this. The woman utterly took the blame, and the man was some saint, by her account?

Bollox.

Yes I would judge, and if this man was a romantic prospect then it would completely put me off, as he's already shown that when things get tough he leaves. That first year with a first baby can be really difficult, but the mother didn't get to find it all too much and leave, did she? And complaining about a lack of intimacy and airing out their problems to third parties would be the icing on the cake!

Yes. Not sticking around in those early years shows a weakness of character in my book.
Of course it’s tough but it’s tough for everyone and if you actually cared for your partner then you would want to support them by being there are helping even if at that point in time you didn’t love them.

Love ebbs and flows. It’s put to the test by life events. I wouldn’t form a relationship with someone who had left that easily.

@Paddling654

He's under no obligation to stay with her 'for the children'. That is tried, tested and never works.

Huh. It works better than one woman doing everything during those physicallly demanding first months/years. I'm sure the bloke turning over in bed and enjoying unbroken nights sleep most of the time would agree with you, though.

It's also absolutely traumatising for the children in the house who live with parents who hate each other. Been there, done it and got the t-shirt.

When, in your opinion, would he have been allowed to leave the relationship that made him unhappy then? 5? 10? 18?

@aquariusladies

What is your relationship to both parties?

I find this thread really odd as you sound invested & involved, though you say you are not.

I wanted out of my relationship when I had a six month old and a toddler, so no, I wouldn’t think less of him as long as he still behaved like a parent, which it sounds like he did.

When, in your opinion, would he have been allowed to leave the relationship that made him unhappy then?

When the children are sleeping through the night and ready for at least 60/40 if mum wishes. They can behave themselves civilly until then.

Yes. Weak character.

"I find this thread really odd as you sound invested & involved, though you say you are not"

This.

Generally people only devote mental energy to figuring the dynamics of something outside themselves where there is or is going to be some consequence for themselves.

And the man telling the "facts" in this way is a scenario as old as the hills where the man wants something from or a certain outcome with the person listening.
If the person listening also wants that outcome then it is 100% in their interests to believe the man's statement of the "facts" (the facts being he is fanastic, his ex was totally unreasonable, he is great relationship material etc etc)

I wouldn't automatically think worse of him. it could be the relationship had been on the down for a long time and the pregnancy was either an accident or they thought it would fix the relationship.

Babies are hard on a marriage... a strong marriage will get stronger from it but a bad one will just fall apart. I don't think that's automatically his fault and he's stepped up and taken responsibility for his child. why would i think worse of him for that?

My childs father did this; left us when DC was around 12 weeks old. We'd been together around 10 years and been having problems for around a year before I became pregnant. Following the birth, I had PND and had lost more blood than they expected during the c section. I struggled physically for around a year after the birth. However he maintained that we were over and went right back into dating (or continued, more accurately) straight after DCs birth.

He did regularly see our little one and paid maintenance. Still does. He's a good father to our child. However he went on to impregnate another woman 12 months after our DC was born. I've heard that he's a great father and partner to her and their child.

Personally, I could never respect a man like that, leaving a woman right in the thick of things with a new baby.

My partner and his ex split when their daughter was 6 months old and it never crossed my mind to judge him for it. They just weren’t able to make the relationship work and it was her who continually broke up with him then would want him to come running back.
We have two children together and he’s a brilliant dad to all 3 of them.