Waivering on my plans to leave DH

[namechangeat11pm]

I have been making plans to leave DH after realising he was controlling. I wasn't allowed to work, have friends, see family etc. No DC. No physical abuse. I have somewhere to move into on the 1st September, I have been saving some money away and I don't have much but enough to keep me going for a month or two while I find a job (I hope).

I'm getting cold feet though.

DH has been really lovely to me lately. I was angry at him for a while but he's been being so sweet to me and I feel almost like I've fallen in love with him again? He's planned a date night for us next weekend, to do something I love but he doesn't. My head's a mess and I don't know what to do now. He was never really awful to me for the most part, he just wants everything to be his way all the time. As long as I go along with that then everything's fine.

I just feel like I will have nothing if I leave him. I've always struggled to make friends even before I met him. I have anxiety and he is good at calming me down. I don't really have any family I can turn to. I almost feel like it would be better to stay with him, better the devil I know, than risk being even more miserable on my own.

I don't know what to do. It feels impossible.

You said you loved the place you looked round and listed some negatives. Have you considered that you loved it despite the negatives because of everything it represented. Because of the hope it gave you, the sense of empowerment that you are doing something quite significant and organising it entirely by yourself. When you live with someone who says you are only good at being a wife. That you were standing there proving him wrong. That the home you have arranged and secured is full of promise of all you can be.

Don't give up on that dream. And it will be terrifying. Hell, change is. If you weren't scared there'd be something wrong with you. It's totally totally normal. The only way OUT, is through. And you're part way through. Definition of insanity... doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You stay, the results will be the same.

Best of luck to you. Your life awaits.

OP,
Of course your friend is going to say that, based on the fact she hasn't a clue about what you are speaking of.

Perhaps the bath story would give her a bit of small perspective.

I am so delighted that you love your new place.

The truth is most people would be thrilled with a one room bedsit if they felt completely safe.
I certainly would.

This is a difficult time but you are sounding so much stronger.

@orgasmagorical I sent an email to the local charity Women's Aid refer to in my area last night. I've spoken to them before, I've found WA to be so helpful but have had mixed responses from the local charity but I'm going to try them again, hopefully someone will come back to me.

@slightlyjaded yes I completely get that. We have so much shared history, we've been together for going on 18 years now, and we met when I was 17. My whole adult life basically has been with him, we've done everything together. I lost a parent a few years ago and hate that anyone new would never know them, I always thought if we had kids then he would be able to tell them about my Dad too. We travelled together when we were young too, he understands all of my little weirdnesses etc. It’s hard to be letting all that stuff go.

It won't get better so the quicker you move on, the faster the new happiness starts.

I’m going to keep repeating that to myself, over and over again. Do you feel like you're much happier now?

he understands all of my little weirdnesses etc. It’s hard to be letting all that stuff go.

I understand that, I was the same - the familiarity, knowing what the other is thinking (or at least I thought I did), not having to finish sentences, but it's such a tiny percentage of your life with him. It's worth giving up for a happier life where you can relax, not wonder what the next 'thing' is going to be, not having to walk on eggshells, not having to have a bath at a particular time after he's stunk out the bathroom. It is worth that tiny sacrifice for a peaceful and happy life

I hope you get a response to your email soon.

This is hard to read, I feel so bad for you. Have been there myself and I remember feeling so alone. I know you are already reading some bits and reaching out to get some help. Theres a diary published via kindle by Luanne Holland that covers some of the same themes, might help reassure you that others are in/have been in same boat.

We travelled together when we were young too, he understands all of my little weirdnesses etc.

Personally I think you can still value those memories and the things you shared together without having to stay together. You don’t lose all of that just because you take your life forward in a different direction. If anything, the continued decline of the relationship and your ex-partner’s behaviour are undermining the happy memories more.

You’re not losing any of those, all the memories and shared experiences will still be there and you can still honour those while moving forward with your life.

I'm glad you are managing to move forwards. You do know you can take the car with you? It's a marital asset and it will get sorted out as part of the divorce financials.

Keep on keeping on

@SlightlyJaded brilliant post.

OP, you need to get out.

Ask yourself what would happen if you just ignored him. What would he do if you went out and got a job? Got in the bath whenever you fancied? Met up with friends whenever you wanted? What's stopping you from doing those things?

You know that this behaviour isn't normal. Your life is not your own. You deserve so much better.

What do I need to do in regards to solicitors etc? Do I need to contact one before I go or do I just get out and then worry about it?

Sorry for the loss of your father. What would he have wanted you to do? Would he have wanted you to leave, and if so, what words of encouragement would he have used? Can you hear his voice using those words? Can you see his face?

He'd only want you to be happy and flourish, wouldn't he?

It might help to write a letter to your dad, including all the things you'd like remembered about him. You could tell him about the little house you've seen and how you plan to decorate.

None of this is woo. If you can imagine it, you can make it happen. Tell your dad you're leaving for a brand new life, the one he'd have wanted for you. And go make it real.

Good luck OP. You deserve so much more than this 💪🏼

@namechangeat11pm wrt the legal stuff I would say that , whilst there is no harm in taking advice before leaving , the only reason it would be vital is if there are kids involved. For example , I had to get a prohibited steps order in place for the day I left to prevent my abusive h from taking the kids far away , because he'd threatened to if I ever tried to leave him. All of the financial things and the divorce were dealt with when I was safely away via a solicitor.

@Takenoprisoner I love this idea. I miss him so much, I love that you asked me all this, I love an excuse to think or talk about my Dad.

I'm not sure what he would say though. When DH and I were first dating, my Dad didn't like him at all. In fact, he sat me down and had a conversation with me about worrying that he might be controlling. It's almost funny now, with hindsight. I'd asked for DHs permission to buy something, a gym membership I think, in front of my sister who told my Dad.

He did grow to like him though, and they got on well in the end and were fairly close. I grew up with not a lot of money, and I think my Dad saw how DH provided for me and took that to mean that everything was okay. I've always been the type to really bury my emotions too, I always used to hate the thought of anyone thinking I was unhappy or would worry about me. Although that has changed a lot recently too and I feel like I'm always dropping hints or saying how unhappy I am, I think in some weird way hoping that someone will rescue me or provide me with a crystal ball reading telling me exactly what I should do and how my future will be on each path which I know won't happen.

I think a lot of the things that might look controlling from the outside though, that he might have spotted again - quitting my job, the gradual drop off seeing friends and family, etc all happened after my Dad had passed away.

I know the answer now. He would have tried his best to get me out of this situation, I know he would. He would want me to be happy and he'd have done whatever he could to have helped me to do that. I think he would have believed me, and I think he would have been the one to pick up on all these hints I'm dropping to anyone and everyone who will listen.

Sorry @takenoprisoner that last reply is a bit emotional and rambly isn't it, sorry for unleashing it all on my reply to you!

@HappyWipings thanks, I think I will leave it then until I'm out and speak to one then, it feels like one thing too many to deal with at the moment if I don't have to.

@namechangeat11pm

Please don't apologise, I loved reading about your dad and your relationship with him, he sounds fab and absolutely your number 1 champion and supporter. And yes, of course he'd have believed you, he'd have heard what you couldn't articular about your unhappiness, and moved heaven and earth to make it happen.

@Takenoprisoner thank you

Sounds like you were hugely loved by your Dad and think of what he would have have wanted for you, his very precious daughter.

He would want you to be free.
Free to live your very best life.

I bet that was what he would have wanted for you.
It really is what most parents want.

That their children live, their very best life.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous

I am a very rare poster, but your OP has really touched me. Please leave this man. There are so many of us out there to support you through this. You sound like a truly lovely person and deserve to have your life back. xx

@namechangeat11pm this sounds so hard op. I’m so sorry. I know you mentioned your mum wasn’t great to you but could you try and speak to your sister?

Hope you’re ok OP. Is it tomorrow you’re moving?

No it's not, the new place isn't ready until September.

@myhairygoat thank you for the link. I don't know a lot about narcissism, I think he does have a lot of the typical traits, and he did have some childhood neglect issues. He wants to try and resolve them but won't get any help, like speaking to a counsellor about it. Also I've always thought of myself as an empath and it seems the two are linked, or drawn to each other?

He always thinks he's right, but to the extreme. I could give you multiple examples today of how he has told various people that things they have done or thought or said are wrong and told them how to do them right, even when he's not qualified or hasn't even seen the thing he is saying is wrong.

It's such a mess because I think we would have so much potential to really bring out the best in one another and I've tied myself in knots in the past really trying so hard to be happy within the parameters he sets but I just can't do it. He's the same in all aspects of his life though, not just with me but with coworkers, his family, everyone.