Been with my partner (is he still?) for 10-ish years. We have three children together aged 5 down to 1. IF we consider that being a god dad can be separate to being a good partner, he is a good dad. Lots of fun with them, very engaged in their development, family-oriented as in he takes them to his family, constantly thinking of them, homeschooling through lockdown, cooking for them (btw he does a deep clean every so often) he just loves them.
We had a great relationship for none of those years. The last year has been awful. He runs his own business and Covid scuppered a lot of his plans and made life very difficult for him. I had a baby at the beginning of lockdown, we also moved house.
So, about a year ago we had an argument. Nothing unforgivable, really not a vicious argument at all, but I think with the business being difficult etc, he was very sensitive. We made up, but actually he didn't. His feelings festered and he kind of ex-communicated me. This is lockdown, I can't see my family, newborn, two other kids, homeschooling etc. It was such a toxic environment. No arguments, just like a Cold War, he was impenetrable. Like stone. He switched off from me completely. he doesn't do anything actively mean, but he's ceased doing anything positive, too, if you see what I mean. he's taken away all of the positives, and I feel their loss, and those positives were why I was with him. There's very little care or concern for me right now, and close to zero affection (though sex is ok, we are doing this again now after nothing for maybe 9 months).
We are not married. Before the birth of our first child I wasn't bothered about this, since then I have been. His own parents remain married, but his dad was in and out, I don't think he has a good model of marriage (my parents are still together through their ups and downs, just life stuff, a normal marriage I expect). I'm very close to my family, too. Now I wonder whether he never really loved me, or was committed, is this why we aren't married actually? Would that have made a difference/ would he have tried harder rather than to let things fester from over a year ago until he felt absolutely nothing for me?
More recently we have had a few heart to hearts and he says he feels numb about me. Doesn't feel any romantic love anymore. He can't help it. Says he doesn't know if someone has changed in him completely and that he can't feel any happiness, or love or good feeling about anything apart from the children. He planned to move out to change the routine, pattern of things, sort out his head, get therapy (individual, not couples), but he couldn't bring himself to in the end, I think. The reasons he gives are the argument we had, he can't really get over what I said, he says he has spoken to other men about it and they say it's a small thing just move on, but he can't. He says that other things have grated on him since then, too and he just feels bad about me.
I think he is depressed honestly. But he is very invested in his business, works around 16 hours a day, has done for many years now. He takes kids to school etc, then to the office, home around midnight, 1 o clock. That was eating into our relationship anyway, but at this juncture, I can see how we can fix things when he is actually proposing more distance. He says he wants to see if things can improve between us, but that he is not getting on well with opening up in therapy (they feel like strangers). He can't talk to me about everything, he needs an impartial person. I also feel like 'oh great, you get to go and get some space from family to repair yourself, IT'S BEEN HARD FOR EVERTYONE'. When I'm a single mum to three kids where is my reprieve? My respite?
I can see he is making little baby steps, but I really feel I am doing more to try to repair our relationship, and I do think 'why, when he doesn't even love me? He drove us over the cliff and didn't even tell me how he felt for a year and I just limped on thinking the business is bad, be supportive'.
I so much want to just say it's over, give myself a rest from trying, find someone who likes me (no matter love!).
On the other hand I think of the kids, they love their dad so much. And, what if he is in a very bad patch, mid life thing, depressed, shouldn't I be more understanding and supportive now.
It just feels like the woman is the one fine with everything and she always has to be strong and what about us though?!
Am I just being a pushover, kind to the point of stupidity. The man says he no longer loves me for Pete's sake. I'm not sure I can keep up romantic feeling for him when it's clearly unrequited.
Good lord, what a mess.