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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

102 replies

nurserynurse97 · 23/07/2021 14:22

Help needed.

Backstory - early twenties, five year relationship. Partner has children with ex. I take on the role of SP and have done since early on.

Working and studying full time also.

So! I'm nearing the end of a two week break in which we had my partner children for. He worked the first week and took second off. He has fished, golfed, had nights out and all that jazz. I've had a ten minute shop in primark and even that was cut short because the kids can't behave.

I've recently come to the decision I think I'd like my own children but I can't deal with how spoilt his kids are and how much they get away with.

I feel like I've missed out a part of my younger years and I'm starting to feel resentful, even though it isn't his fault. But we never do anything g outside of having the kids. We don't go on holiday, go on trips and I have to bully him into coming into Tesco park with me! There's obviously so much more to it but my question is:

Do I leave him or am I just having a 'moment' and should I shut up and be happy someone's settled with me?

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
MrsFelicianoLopez · 23/07/2021 14:26

F*ing hell. Should you be happy that someone has settled with you????? What is he, God?? No you shouldn’t be happy. He’s a selfish wanker who’s using you for free childcare. Dump him and find someone who’s worthy of you, and who’s worthy of being chosen to be the father of your children!

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/07/2021 14:28

Totally agree with what @MrsFelicianoLopez says!

whichwayisup · 23/07/2021 14:28

You sound like the nanny.

Offredismysister · 23/07/2021 14:30

So you’ve had 2 weeks off to look after his children. He’s had 1 week off & managed to do lots of leisure activities just for him? You never do anything together without the children. So no cinema, meals out, weekends away?

No you don’t settle. You’re worth more than this, you’re young. I would leave, it sounds like you are a glorified babysitter & housekeeper.

TakingTheLowRoad · 23/07/2021 14:35

FTS. isn’t he having the life of riley, with someone else to take on the responsibility of his children while he enjoys his holidays. You are not responsible in any way for his children nor are you obligated to help him in any way with HIS children. And it is his fault, he’s as responsible for their behaviour as his mother is. The only one with ZERO responsibility is you! You sound like a nanny with benefits, but only for him.

Honestly LTB. Do not settle. You’re worth so much more than this. And it will never get better. Cut your losses and move on. Start living your life.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 23/07/2021 14:35

"He has fished, golfed, had nights out and all that jazz"

While you looked after his kids?

That is utterly shocking, why do you feel you need to be his unpaid skivvy? You poor girl you have been utterly taken advantage of by this unscrupulous excuse for a partner and father. Your self esteem must have taken a battering to be putting up with this.

Please reconsider this relationship. A person who treats you like that has zero respect or love for you. And it will be even worse if you were to have your own children with this man.

Leave, focus on your studies and career and be thankful for the lesson. You know what to avoid like the plague in men now!

Eviebeans · 23/07/2021 14:41

He sounds broken-time to get a new one. Actually, don't get a new one just yet -take time to look after yourself and work out what it is that you want - I'm guessing you'll discover that it's not looking after other people's kids 😉

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/07/2021 14:47

Why are you looking after HIS kids…..?

Justcallmebebes · 23/07/2021 15:11

Jesus wept!! You are the unpaid help. Can't you see that you're being taken for a complete mug? You're young, go off and live your life and find someone who deserves you and please, please raise your bar before you turn around and suddenly find that your best days are behind you and you've wasted them on a cheeky fuckwit and his kids

Babdoc · 23/07/2021 15:14

All of the above. Bill him for nanny/housekeeper services and dump him.
Then get some counselling to work on your self esteem, confidence, and boundaries.
You deserve so much better than this selfish shit. He isn’t even pretending to be a loving partner, he’s an outright abusive shit.

litterbird · 23/07/2021 15:30

You really need to open tour eyes and realise you are just unpaid help that gives him a shag at the end of the day. His life is absolutely perfect. You doing everything and he is swanning around happy as Larry. So, just stop what you are doing, walk away, work on who you are and get your self esteem out the gutter and find someone worthy of you.

updownroundandround · 23/07/2021 15:41

@nurserynurse97

Surely you're joking ?

You work and study full time as well as parent HIS kids Confused

Exactly WTF does he do ? Hmm

He doesn't even take his own kids ! YOU do !

He spends all his holidays and free time on himself !

While you have to occupy his kids ? And cook/clean etc ?

Good grief ! He saw you coming, didn't he ? Hmm

Thankfully you're already realizing that 'playing house' with someone else's kids is no substitute for a bloody life !

You deserve better, you know you do !

Do not 'settle' for this very poor example of a 'partner'.

So what are you waiting for ? Go, and have the life you deserve !

theodoracarp · 23/07/2021 16:01

It would be better for you to leave. Love yourself first.

layladomino · 23/07/2021 16:05

I am utterly shocked that this. You've taken two weeks off to look after his children... the can only take one week off (maybe there was a good reason for this but still?) and then on that week he does exactly as he wants. You however don't get any time to yourself.

On what planet is that OK? As their parent he should be doing the lions share of the caring, with perhaps you in support as a caring Stepmum. What reason does he give for not being able to look after his children?

As a pp said, he is treating you as an unpaid nanny. So disrespectful. I couldn't respect him any more if I were you. Is he lazy, selfish, useless or all 3?

Original poster
nurserynurse97 · 23/07/2021 16:15

Hi,

I really didn't expect so many messages in such a short space of time. I did end up asking his mum to keep them last Sunday (albeit I got an absolute roasting for it!) and I did tell him how I felt and he did tell me he loved me and always tells everyone how lucky he is but he doesn't even want to marry me and as I said, unless you count a McDonald's, there's no meals, nights away or even the cinema ourselves.

I don't have a lot of confidence and often ask myself how I ended up with him but I don't know if it's just boredom (my mum said it happens) and we need to try and fix it or if it's more than broken. Maybe I'm just struggling as I've not had anytime to myself this past few weeks! Thanks to everyone who's replied 💕

OP posts:
ElleGee1 · 23/07/2021 16:28

Get out.. difficult with kids involved but this will only get worse if you decide to have children with him.. you would certainly have no free time or be spending time together then.. as it seems he may expect you to continue as you have been by taking on the childcare. Good luck

Wjevtvha · 23/07/2021 16:33

I’m a step parent and what you describe isn’t how it should be; I do look after DSD alongside DH but it’s only by myself if he’s working amd we do lots together both with DSD and prior to having our own DC we did lots as a couple and I had plenty of time to myself.
I heavily suspect that if you have children with him this will be your life 24/7. You’re very young and have plenty of time to meet someone who wants to be your partner in things and not just leave you to do it all

sunnyzweibrucken · 23/07/2021 16:54

At your age I would never have dated a man with children. Too many young men around that are childless without all the unnecessary drama. Even without the children he sounds selfish. Get out now while you are young.

Kintsugi16 · 23/07/2021 16:56

Leave, now

mbosnz · 23/07/2021 17:10

Reckon there's plenty more fish in the sea - throw that one back.

Anordinarymum · 23/07/2021 17:14

@nurserynurse97

Hi,

I really didn't expect so many messages in such a short space of time. I did end up asking his mum to keep them last Sunday (albeit I got an absolute roasting for it!) and I did tell him how I felt and he did tell me he loved me and always tells everyone how lucky he is but he doesn't even want to marry me and as I said, unless you count a McDonald's, there's no meals, nights away or even the cinema ourselves.

I don't have a lot of confidence and often ask myself how I ended up with him but I don't know if it's just boredom (my mum said it happens) and we need to try and fix it or if it's more than broken. Maybe I'm just struggling as I've not had anytime to myself this past few weeks! Thanks to everyone who's replied 💕

If you have children with this man you will regret it IMHO
Babysharkdoodoodood · 23/07/2021 17:16

He's a selfish twat, who thinks you're his nanny.

You're early 20's. How much older is he?

You need to throw this one back and find someone without kids so you can enjoy life before you start a family.

Blacktothepink · 23/07/2021 17:16

Get out right now…

Dillydollydingdong · 23/07/2021 17:22

You've plenty of time to find a new man. You're only young and should be out enjoying yourself with your friends, not acting as a stepmother for someone else's kids.

Aminuts23 · 23/07/2021 17:24

I agree with everyone else. You have your whole future in front of you and it shouldn’t be this.

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