What do I do?

[nurserynurse97]

Help needed.

Backstory - early twenties, five year relationship. Partner has children with ex. I take on the role of SP and have done since early on.

Working and studying full time also.

So! I'm nearing the end of a two week break in which we had my partner children for. He worked the first week and took second off. He has fished, golfed, had nights out and all that jazz. I've had a ten minute shop in primark and even that was cut short because the kids can't behave.

I've recently come to the decision I think I'd like my own children but I can't deal with how spoilt his kids are and how much they get away with.

I feel like I've missed out a part of my younger years and I'm starting to feel resentful, even though it isn't his fault. But we never do anything g outside of having the kids. We don't go on holiday, go on trips and I have to bully him into coming into Tesco park with me! There's obviously so much more to it but my question is:

Do I leave him or am I just having a 'moment' and should I shut up and be happy someone's settled with me?

Any advice welcome.

I don't pay for much living with him now

So he gets free childcare, housekeeping and cooking, with sex thrown in and a bit of cash from you too!

He's got it sussed for a cushy life, hasn't he?

Of course it is his fault. He sounds absolutely awful and selfish.

Stop parenting his children, no exceptions, and you will see how awful he becomes fast.

Money is a big barrier. I stayed on my own from 18-20 and got myself into debt. Not major but enough to cause issues. I don't pay for much living with him now as he has a good job.

At that age, tons of people makes mistakes and are foolish with money. The point is you learn from it, not that you hide behind someone else for the rest of your life. Mistakes are an opportunity for growth.

Jesus. There’s ‘settling’ and there’s ’I have so little self worth that I will allow some chancey fucker and his gobshite mother to treat me like an indentured slave’.

OP, your post fills me with such fear for your future. If you struggle with your self esteem then do some reading, get some help and support to grow stronger. You’re better than this relationship.

Having someone pay for a roof over your head - in exchange for your endless unpaid work and total compliance - may give you an illusion of security, but in reality it’s no more secure than a rented room in a shared house (an arrangement that would give you infinitely more freedom to enjoy these years the way you should be, unencumbered by some lazy fecker’s kids).

Please leave. At the very least do not have children with this man.

You're early 20s and been playing step mum for 5 yrs? He saw you coming!

Do not have a baby with this loser, he takes fuck all notice of the kids he already has.

i do see myself growing old with him and having a baby but I do see myself being left to do a lot!

You want to grow with this loser?

despite all his faults, he actually is a nice person and I'd hate to actually break his heart. Not that I don't think he'd have someone by the weekend after. But still

Of course he's nice to you. Doesn't want to lose the childcare, housework, cooking and sex. You know if you leave you'll be replaced asap by another young woman eager to please and to be loved by showing what a great 'stepmum' she is. What the fuck you see in this relationship i don't know.

What did he say when you asked him why he spent his time off work pleasing himself instead of looking after his kids?

Are you reading what people are saying OP?

I’m a step mum. We’re married, have a child together, I’ve known my DSC well over half their lives. I do not get treated like this. I’ve never been treated like this. My husband is a great dad to his kids and that’s why I wanted to have one with him.

You’re being treated like dirt. You are worth more than this. Please please please see that and don’t waste more of your life putting up with it.

This is not what love looks or feels like.

You mention issues with your dad. Your role model for men, how they behave and how adult relationships should be is seriously bad. It’s not your fault, we’re all a product of our upbringing to a certain extent. But the way we grow as people, the way we act in our relationships, are dependent on recognising these patterns and dynamics and learning what serves us well and what hurts us. You’re young and you can do so much better.

Leave this fucker now. You are not the hired unpaid help. I beg you leave leave leave. He will soon replace you with another free nanny and no man respects a doormat.

I see from your previous posts that you had an alcoholic uninvolved father, got together with your partner when you were 19 and isolated yourself from everyone else. I appreciate it’s a really scary thought but you need to be a single adult for a few years and learn to stand on your own two feet without a man influencing your decisions. It will only be when you leave this relationship and get some distance that you’ll see how emotionally abusive he is. Go to women’s aid and ask them for advice on making a plan to leave him. Don’t tell him or his toxic family anything until you leave. He’s not nice. He’s not a good father. He’s not a good partner. You know this even though you don’t want to admit it. Being single can be tough sometimes too but it’s a million times better than settling for a man who’s using you for childcare, sex, cleaning, cooking etc. Your self esteem is on the floor and it might take a couple of years to build it up but it’ll be a couple of years well spent focusing on you and no-one else. Make a list of all the shitty things he’s done/said and read every time you doubt yourself. Find your anger for being treated like a servant. It’ll give you strength.

You've become his free nanny. LTB
He's a completely selfish arseh0le.
Go, enjoy life, you deserve to be treated so much better.

Why does he and his mother think you should look after his kids while he does lots of hobbies? Have you asked him that? It makes no sense- other than that he thinks you are worth nothing more than being unpaid childcare.
Find the strength and self worth to leave. You will build a happier life than this 💐

There’s no point m her asking him that. He’ll come up with a load of bullshit excuses designed to make her feel guilty and continue being his unpaid nanny. He’s not going to say ‘well you’re right, I’m a shit father and I want you to take over my parental responsibilities so I can go and socialise like a childless man.’

He obviously believes that child care is women's work. Of course it won't be easy to leave him - you love him and you are fairly settled there. But what you are facing now is a small glimpse of your future life and one which will get increasingly harder once you have children of your own. Try finding a little time for yourself whereby you can make new friends and start slowly cutting the ties to him. Please dont throw your life away like this because you are scared of the unknown. Take baby steps whilst slowly discovering a life that does not revolve around him and childcare. Start believing in yourself.

Okay we had a conversation this morning. Surprisingly he did not jump down my throat like usual and it remained calm and rational. He understands where I am coming from and understands that I'm young so if I want to leave, he would not hold it against me. If I want to stay (but only if I'll be happy he says) he will make a conscious effort to do more together

I have decided after reading all your amazing responses that I'm going to take some time away from him to gather my thoughts and make a plan. I don't want a messy break up and would like to remain friends - we have been through so much together. Thanks to everyone❤️

Don’t let him ‘Hoover’ you back up op! Do what’s best for you and to have the life you deserve.

How about some counselling or doing some work on your self-confidence and self-esteem while you have the time out?

I'm pleased you have been able to have a meaningful talk with your DP.

To help you think things through let's just unpack this quote from you

 -<strong>despite all his faults, he actually is a nice person and I'd hate to actually break his heart. Not that I don't think he'd have someone by the weekend after. But still.</strong>

Is he really a nice person? He doesn't take holiday to be with his children, he goes to play golf, fishes, has nights out. A nice person would have taken their children out to play crazy golf, feed the ducks, yes even taken them fishing. He would have taken his partner out for the night, having arranged a baby sitter to look after his children. That's what a nice person, a good father, heavens an average father, would do. Oh and by the way a nice, decent person doesn't jump down the throat of their partner stopping them voicing their worries and concerns. This man is a user, plain and simple

Inside, subconsciously you have realised he's not really in love with you, you're not the love of his life - any one who recognises their current partner would have a replacement by the following weekend, knows deep down that they are not loved or cared for by the current partner.

Your comment " Not that I don't think he'd have someone by the weekend after. But still." is so incredibly sad. You won't be breaking his heart, you'll just be causing a small irritation as he'll have to ask his Mum to look after the children.

You haven't mentioned your timescales for giving yourself space but I ask you this - if you're still at his house this weekend, who is looking after the children? Who is cooking cleaning, shopping etc? If it's you, oh ab1907 he doesn't care at all.

Say this to him, "I've decided we are abit stuck in a rut so I'm moving out into a house share next week, I still want to see you so let's meet for a date twice a week" if he looks horrified at the thought of losing his nanny you will know where you are.

He understands where I am coming from and understands that I'm young so if I want to leave, he would not hold it against me.
So, he thinks the reason you dont want to be his skivvy is because you are young and have time and choices? And not because he is an irresponsible parent and unreasonable partner?. Dont look back, op. Run fast. Run far. And, for the love of god, have fun!

@Bananalanacake

Say this to him, "I've decided we are abit stuck in a rut so I'm moving out into a house share next week, I still want to see you so let's meet for a date twice a week" if he looks horrified at the thought of losing his nanny you will know where you are.

Good suggestion. Just see how much interest he has in working on your relationship from a distance where you’re not on hand to raise his children and keep his house. I’d wager a significant sum he wouldn’t be arsed with that when he could spend his time and effort briefly woo-ing the next naive young girl he sees as a good candidate for his (unpaid) job vacancy.

Well done for taking to him and I sincerely hope you manage to find the strength to follow through and leave him. You only get one life. Don’t let him steal the best years of yours.

After our conversation, I've also realised that I really do hold myself in a shitty regard. I'm going to not only distance myself but find me again and go on a wee journey to find out what makes me happy. There's not really anywhere where I live to go to therapy or counselling g although I would love to so I'll do a little DIY first and see what comes of that. I honestly cannot thank you enough for everyone's support. I keep reading them back and feeling like I'm reading a group chat from all my friends. It's been a comforting presence in the past few days.

There's not really anywhere where I live to go to therapy or counselling although I would love to

I bet, due to covid, there will be places offering counselling remotely. Ask for recommendations.

After our conversation, I've also realised that I really do hold myself in a shitty regard. I'm going to not only distance myself but find me again and go on a wee journey to find out what makes me happy

Well done OP!

He understands where I am coming from and understands that I'm young so if I want to leave, he would not hold it against me.

He wouldn't hold it against you? That's big of him.

Anyway, what would it matter, since you wouldn't be seeing him again?