What do I do?

[nurserynurse97]

Help needed.

Backstory - early twenties, five year relationship. Partner has children with ex. I take on the role of SP and have done since early on.

Working and studying full time also.

So! I'm nearing the end of a two week break in which we had my partner children for. He worked the first week and took second off. He has fished, golfed, had nights out and all that jazz. I've had a ten minute shop in primark and even that was cut short because the kids can't behave.

I've recently come to the decision I think I'd like my own children but I can't deal with how spoilt his kids are and how much they get away with.

I feel like I've missed out a part of my younger years and I'm starting to feel resentful, even though it isn't his fault. But we never do anything g outside of having the kids. We don't go on holiday, go on trips and I have to bully him into coming into Tesco park with me! There's obviously so much more to it but my question is:

Do I leave him or am I just having a 'moment' and should I shut up and be happy someone's settled with me?

Any advice welcome.

. He has fished, golfed, had nights out and all that jazz. I've had a ten minute shop in primark and even that was cut short because the kids can't behave

So you didn't even get a trip to the shops without his kids.

You sound lovely. You're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Please don't spend another minute of it with this selfish twat. 🤬

You must have very low self worth to put up with this! He's an a-hole & is mugging you off. I don't care if he looks like Tom Hardy, ditch him & get your life back xx

@Offredismysister

So you’ve had 2 weeks off to look after his children. He’s had 1 week off & managed to do lots of leisure activities just for him? You never do anything together without the children. So no cinema, meals out, weekends away?

No you don’t settle. You’re worth more than this, you’re young. I would leave, it sounds like you are a glorified babysitter & housekeeper.

This sums my thought's up also.

My years before kids were amazingly good fun days and nights out with friends, holidays in UK and abroad ( all done on the cheap ), leave him and have some fun, your so young.

Did not get pregnant by him.He's already shown he's a lazy father.

You need to leave him.

Please please please consider leaving! You're worth much more than this. You clearly work hard and have aspirations - you need to enjoy your life too and be with someone who values you. As PP said, you're the nanny and housekeeper (except you're not being paid) ... and you're supposed to be grateful for .......?

Try and work on your self esteem - Shallon Lester on YouTube has some great life and relationship advice all about this. Good luck xx

Honestly, if he expects you to do all the childcare for children that aren't yours, imagine what he'd expect with children that are.

This man is using you as the unpaid help.

This is not a relationship, its all on his terms. You have no voice. This is not how it is supposed to be.

Please don't waste your life on this man. You will wake up later in life and regret it.

Do you have somewhere to go?

I'm struggling to find the power to leave. I isolated myself when we got together so I don't have any friends outside of our social circle. I love him I really really do and we have some lovely times together. I am just giving the shitty versions I suppose. How do you find the courage to say no and go? I've never lived my adult life on my own and I'm absolutely terrified

It is scary, of course it is, but really is this how you want your life to be? You have decades ahead of you. You resent how things are now, just imagine how bitter & beaten down you'll be in ten years time if you stay.

Be brave, make the jump.

Then spend a while having a good time, doing the things you've missed out on, maybe travelling, studying, shagging everything that moves, whatever.

You get one life to live, make the most of it.

His kids
He parents
Why did he split up from their mother?
Was he a lazy wanker then as well?

You must reach out to your old friends and family immediately and get support to leave this man. You need to get away as quickly as possible.

You deserve so much more than this arsehole OP. Go and be on your own for a while. Then you be free to find someone better. Who isn't abusive and looks after his own kids.

Be free my child!!!

I could not be arsed with this in my 40s, let alone 20s. Many divorced men seem to pick a woman who will look after their children for them.

Omg are you reading what everyone is saying? It is honestly quite shocking the way you are living your life in your 20s looking after his kids and accepting scraps from your partner if you can call him that.

Pack, leave, live!!

You’re much, much too young for this. Please free yourself from this relationship and enjoy your youth.

OP let me guess, he’s quite a bit older than you? He really saw you coming

He treats you like shit, expects you to have al the grunt work of parenting his kids while he swans around golfing, and yet doesn’t consider you worth marrying or even the odd dinner out.

He has zero love or respect for you, you’re just convenient for now. Sorry to be blunt but I think you need a wake up call.

Anyone with an ounce of self respect would have left this chancer a long time ago, never mind when he had the nerve to bollock you for leaving HIS kids with HIS mother. Sorry but that had my jaw on the floor. How does he get to judge you for briefly giving someone else care of kids that Aren’t even yours yet he constantly palms his own kids off on you!!!

He’s an utter twat, he got his hands on you when you were young and vulnerable and he has manipulated you and stolen your youth by placing you in the role of de facto parent to his children. He’s scum and the sooner you wake up to that the better. YOU ATE WORTH MORE THAN THIS AND THERE IS A LIFE OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU!!

I'm sorry that you feel so trapped in that situation - you can take courage and support from the many wise women on here who have been in similar positions and summoned up the strength to leave. It's brilliant that you have posted, make sure you take some time to read the responses a few times and let them sink in. If you've got low confidence and not much contact with your friends or other independent women, it's understandable that you might think this is just what relationships are like. But they're not!!!! In a loving relationship you are treated as a partner, not expected to do all the work for someone else. In a loving relationship your partner doesn't say he loves you but treat you like a doormat. You will find someone else who makes you feel good about yourself, and until you do you'll get to know yourself and what you want from life!

Keep posting and the wise women of mumsnet can hold your hand as you find your way out of this x

How old is he op?

@nurserynurse97

I'm struggling to find the power to leave. I isolated myself when we got together so I don't have any friends outside of our social circle. I love him I really really do and we have some lovely times together. I am just giving the shitty versions I suppose. How do you find the courage to say no and go? I've never lived my adult life on my own and I'm absolutely terrified

Bless you, it is scaryto make a changeif you've not done something like this before,bbut soooooo many women have done it and you can too. On the other side of the scary bit is a much happier, stronger and more ffulfilling life.

Does your mum think this is the best you can do? If so, that's her stuff, it's really not true. Maybe she settled for less than she was worth, I don't know, but you don't have to. Would she support you to leave?

Of course it’s his fault? Who else’s fault could it possibly be?

I agree with everyone else but that’s all been said and I hope you’re hearing the truth in the replies you’ve had.

Would it be helpful to go through the obstacles you feel currently lie in the way of you leaving him?

Money? Housing? Work? Social ties?

You can live by yourself. I hadn’t done it before leaving my ex husband and was terrified beforehand but I didn’t have a choice and it turned out to be a very happy time in my life.

You sound lovely, if a bit lost, and you’ll meet new people and make new friends. I expect a huge amount of your energy is being used up by the situation you’re in at the moment and you’ll have a lot more juice in your tank when you’re not chucking it into a vacuum to work out what you need and what makes you you happy.

There are literally millions of men living in this country and one of them is the man you’ll meet, fall in love with, marry, have children with, share a bright, loving, happy future with. You might also enjoy being by yourself, getting to know yourself again, in the mean time. The longer you waste feeling unsupported, used and taken for granted by this man the less opportunity you have for meeting the right person for you.

There’s so much experience and wisdom and advice available to you here. You posted for a reason and while it’s probably tempting to start rowing back and defending what you have now, you’ll be better off being completely honest and getting the help you really need.

So he is in his late 20's. I was single for years before I met him and have a bit of trauma from my Dad so I know I'm sort of settling. But I do genuinely love him, despite his flaws. Everytime I bring up the kid thing all o get is 'fine I won't ask you to help' and then his Mum gives me a hard time for not pulling my weight so I just do everything.

He's decided to take me out for a drink. I hope he hasn't heard me grumbling!

THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD

Oh fuck his mum !