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Original poster

I'm obviously going to dump him but...

116 replies

BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 00:45

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's not serious. It could have been but over the past few weeks, I've realised that he has an issue with the fact I'm not young, slim and beautiful.

We went out to the pub to meet some friends last night and he nearly clipped the kerb because he was staring at two young women, barely out of their teens, on the other side of the road. I've noticed him 'looking' at much younger women a couple of times previously. He always seems to be hoping and waiting for them to turn around and get some acknowledgement that he's not 'past it'.

It's disrespectful to me, disrespectful to them and makes him look like an idiot. I'm not jealous or heartbroken, I just feel embarrassed for him.

What is going on in his head? (Rhetorical question, I know the answer.)

He'd rather be single forever and chase the impossible dream that a women in her 20s will fall for him. She won't.

OP posts:
Horehound · 23/07/2021 00:47

Yep. He's a fool and you're right to dump.

Shelddd · 23/07/2021 00:49

Yeah, that sucks, sorry. We all age and some people (him) really have a hard time with that concept. It's not a good situation to be with someone like that.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 00:54

Well I've encountered it a lot since I got to my late 30s but it's definitely getting worse.

I did tell him once that women don't find it flattering when men twice their age 'appreciate' them. He doesn't get it. Or care. He doesn't accept that it makes us/them uncomfortable and he doesn't accept that it's disrespectful. He thinks that if men were interested in me then I wouldn't be so 'bitter'.

The irony is rather, in the 4 months we've been dating, I've been asked out twice. Yet he's chasing these women who aren't interested in him when he could have a good relationship with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
me4real · 23/07/2021 00:57

I don't know if he'd rather be single for ever, as he is seeing you. But it is a sign you're right that you should dump him. This is because if your relationship got more serious or even marriage etc, he would always be on the look out for a young woman who might be up for it with him. He's probably untrustworthy.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 01:00

Tbh, I'm not sure he would actually do anything about it. I think he's just seeking the validation of a returned glance - a brief fliratation or whatever.

I've no doubt he doesn't really want to be single but he's willing to risk being dumped in the pursuit of this validation.

OP posts:
Sampafie · 23/07/2021 06:55

Youre better off LTB OP because it can only go downhill from here on. Look at how many threads are posted here about women worried -justifiably or not - about their Husbands/Partnets "working with beautiful 20 something year olds", you dont want to join that circus and now he knows his behaviour around women that age rubs you wrong, its only a matter of time till he begins dropping hints about working with someone that age, if only to drive you crazy or make you jealous (it might not even be true Wink ) its not worth it

AgentJohnson · 23/07/2021 07:00

Why are you with this idiot? He isn’t broken or a project, he’s just another sad man who thinks that women are disposable.

girlmom21 · 23/07/2021 07:07

He thinks that if men were interested in me then I wouldn't be so 'bitter'.

I would've dumped him for this. Arrogant prick.

Shellady · 23/07/2021 07:18

@girlmom21

He thinks that if men were interested in me then I wouldn't be so 'bitter'.

I would've dumped him for this. Arrogant prick.

Yes men like this assume that because they see younger women as the ultimate trophy and older women like us as second prize that all men feel the same and we must be ‘jealous’ because we are no longer getting that ‘ desired’ attention Little do they understand that the vast majority of us have felt that it’s totally disrespectful to both ourself and the other woman regardless of the age and regardless of what attention we are getting It’s no complement being leered at by some gross old dude twice your age . Just makes them look like idiots really
Doublestar · 23/07/2021 07:20

He isn't emotionally mature enough to realise that everyone ages/looks fade and to find someone you are attracted to but also emotionally/intellectually suited to is probably going to lead to a better relationship long term.
He maybe doesn't really like women - he sees them as objects to be used for sex / to ogle at and will probably live in hope that one day he will snare one - in the meantime dating women his own age whom he is able to get to agree to a relationship with him. I bet he'd jump at the chance if god forbid one of these young women gave him the go ahead. Poor sod doesn't realise it's unlikely to happen, or if it did it'd be because they thought he'd flash the cash a bit.
Some men (it's usually always men) are unable to cope with ageing and seek attention from younger women for validation. I'm on holiday atm and the amount of older men I see openly leering after girls in bikinis young enough to be their dd's is revolting. Since reaching 40 I've realised I don't really get "looked at" any more which I find refreshing quite frankly. I hated the looks and comments when I was younger - it's just horrifying to now see them being targeted at my dd (who is only 16).

It's so disrespectful to you for him to be openly leering at other women. I'm sure my dh must look at other women sometimes but I never notice him doing it!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 07:25

But men are interested in you, you don't been asked out twice while seeing him.

I'd take on of those opportunities or another that comes your way; dealing with a man who acts like this is demoralising and unpleasant, it seems unlikely that be a good, happy relationship.

He's probably at this lark on social media etc as well.

As to why ... there is always a portion of men who have no realistic concept of their dating/mating prospects. Even young men a like this and become "incel" because they are focused on modelly looking young women who usually go for young men with equivalent looks but the incels can't acknowledge or accept that and often won't consider girls they thinknare low on the 1-10 looks scale they've invented.

Sheer entitlement.

But older blokes doing it is even more dysfunctional.

On a cynical.note, if he were well off, he might have a chance with a materialistic young woman (?)

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 07:27

I should add that v occasionally I've noticed women who have no realistic concept of their dating prospects but those incidents were like hens teeth compared to men.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 07:30

He isn't emotionally mature enough to realise that everyone ages/looks fade and to find someone you are attracted to but also emotionally/intellectually suited to

Exactly.

There are middle aged men who will get I to relationships and marry women around their own age, their peers, with whom the hade a lot in common. There are men who are ways looking for a younger partner. It's a reflection of their maturity & character.

Iwonder08 · 23/07/2021 07:30

How awful..just get rid

Shellady · 23/07/2021 07:33

@WhiskeyGalore212

I should add that v occasionally I've noticed women who have no realistic concept of their dating prospects but those incidents were like hens teeth compared to men.
Yes I can say that seems very rare in women whilst very very common in older men . It’s a real sense of entitlement and society as a whole encourages it I always laugh when men try to claim women are so much more shallow than men
WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 07:34

Though I suppose in their eyes, a youngervwjmabs looks will be fading later and will be there for longer compared to them, but not many men without money will be able to snag one in the first place.

Occasionally you get older men who have a great deal.of confidence, blarney etc who get younger women without being wealthy, bit they're few and far between... May he thinks he's one of them, or lives on that hope.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 07:38

Op you sound like you have a great deal of self respect, I can imagine some women would sweeo thus under the carpet if they were invested and had feelings for him.

Ot would be a shirty relationship though abd you have to wonder if he'd be off if he got a chance with a younger woman. Also have to wonder if he's the type to get involved in only fans etc

BusyLizzie61 · 23/07/2021 07:40

@BalmyNights

Tbh, I'm not sure he would actually do anything about it. I think he's just seeking the validation of a returned glance - a brief fliratation or whatever.

I've no doubt he doesn't really want to be single but he's willing to risk being dumped in the pursuit of this validation.

I don't think that he's necessarily seeking validation. I also think that you're being very ott about it. Most people appreciate beautiful things and people. You not doing so, imo says more about you than him. You obviously are caught between feeling threatened /vulnerable and trying to sound nonchalant and in demand.

It's not only him that loses out if you end it, it's you too and you have no guarantee someone of his other positive qualities will cross your path.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 07:50

Over the top? He wasn't paying attention when we were driving. He turned back to the road just in time and had to swerve to miss the kerb. He nearly became a sad stereotype of a bloke driving into a tree 🤣

I don't feel threatened or vulnerable. I've no problem with someone appreciating but I've been on the receiving end of staring (and still am) and it's not nice. I don't feel flattered when a bloke looks at me if he's put with his partner. Why would I?

OP posts:
layladomino · 23/07/2021 07:52

Of course we all notice beauty around us - but in this case he seems to be on the lookout for it (eugh) and then leering obviously (euugghh).

I get exactly where you are coming from. This isn't you being bitter or threatened or jealous - there's nothing to be jealous of. He doesn't stand a chance with them after all. It is absolutely about how disrespectful he is being to you and to them.

When a man has openly leered at me - at any age - my only thoughts are of slight disgust or feeling sorry for the woman he's with. Does he honetly think these young women are thinking 'wow that man who looks like my dad appears to have noticed me. How flattering!'

You have absolutely nothing to lose from dumping him. You will be happier single (and it sounds as though you have plenty of other offers!). He however will still be a letch who other peoply pity.

Nonmaquillee · 23/07/2021 07:55

Good on you, OP. Just get rid of him. He’s a saddo.

Many moons ago I dated a man on/off who used to blatantly stare at younger women. Really stare. It was creepy and I could see how uncomfortable it made them feel. The last I heard of him, he (53) is “dating” a 20-year-old woman - younger than his own daughter. 🤮🤮🤮🤮

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 07:58

But men are interested in you, you don't been asked out twice while seeing him.

He doesn't know that though. The irony is that one of them was in his twenties.

its only a matter of time till he begins dropping hints about working with someone that age, if only to drive you crazy or make you jealous (it might not even be true) its not worth it

Oh he did that the same day. He's a week into a new job and has already told me he's offered to mentor one who is on the verge of being let go...

Like I say, it isn't serious so not a big deal but the company has been nice.

OP posts:
Doublestar · 23/07/2021 07:59

It's not only him that loses out if you end it, it's you too and you have no guarantee someone of his other positive qualities will cross your path.

Yes, OP - better to stay with someone who nearly crashes the car ogling teenagers and when you pull him up on it tells you you're obviously "bitter" coz no one fancies you anymore...

Or just dump the twat and know there are better men out there.

Honestly BusyLizzie - your comments remind me of a mum I used to know at my dd's school who would stand there simpering while her revolting husband flirted with everything in a skirt. I never understood why she didn't grow a backbone and tell her minging dh to do one - I guess it's because, like you, she just saw it as him "appreciating beautiful objects" and what with her being so secure that she wasn't threatened. In reality everyone was amazed what a doormat she was for staying with the creep.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 08:03

I haven't pulled him up on it. There's no point. We had a conversation about it in general terms once when I told him how I didn't like it amd most other women don't either.

He disagreed that other women didn't like it and decided I must be bitter. He clearly didn't believe it (still) happened to me. I asked him how many women he'd asked about their opinion on it. Obviously, it was none. A quick glance is one thing but it's hugely disrespectful to all concerned to stare.

OP posts:
Shellady · 23/07/2021 08:04

‘It's not only him that loses out if you end it, it's you too and you have no guarantee someone of his other positive qualities will cross your path.’

Grin I nearly lost my coffee laughing . Do the mysogyny scare stories continue
Yes darling better make sure you share that man , don’t have any opinions and do whatever you can to hold on to him
Omfg how low are women expected to set their standards now .
A complete lack of respect from men is now considered something we just need to overlook along with all the other shit