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Original poster

I'm obviously going to dump him but...

116 replies

BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 00:45

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. It's not serious. It could have been but over the past few weeks, I've realised that he has an issue with the fact I'm not young, slim and beautiful.

We went out to the pub to meet some friends last night and he nearly clipped the kerb because he was staring at two young women, barely out of their teens, on the other side of the road. I've noticed him 'looking' at much younger women a couple of times previously. He always seems to be hoping and waiting for them to turn around and get some acknowledgement that he's not 'past it'.

It's disrespectful to me, disrespectful to them and makes him look like an idiot. I'm not jealous or heartbroken, I just feel embarrassed for him.

What is going on in his head? (Rhetorical question, I know the answer.)

He'd rather be single forever and chase the impossible dream that a women in her 20s will fall for him. She won't.

OP posts:
Shellady · 23/07/2021 08:06

@Doublestar

‘Honestly BusyLizzie - your comments remind me of a mum I used to know at my dd's school who would stand there simpering while her revolting husband flirted with everything in a skirt. I never understood why she didn't grow a backbone and tell her minging dh to do one - I guess it's because, like you, she just saw it as him "appreciating beautiful objects" and what with her being so secure that she wasn't threatened. In reality everyone was amazed what a doormat she was for staying with the creep.’

Yes I know a women like that too . Her husband was sleeping with a 25yr old who he’d taught years earlier Hmm

pinkypink24 · 23/07/2021 08:12

Op I think you are 'trying' to work him out & possibly 'trying' to fix him by staying with him. Why are you cheapening yourself by continuing to go places / go on dates with this tool when he does this?

Sounds like you are trying to read his mind by making the conclusions that you have made i.e you don't think he would do anything but ...

He's a disrespectful tosser. End of.

Dump him ASAP!

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2021 08:13

I also think that you're being very ott about it
Most people appreciate beautiful things and people. You not doing so, imo says more about you than him

Dear God, what a strange attitude.

OP this guy is a misogynistic arsehole.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 08:16

I actually encountered this with a roughly same age guy I briefly dated - the staring at other women- abd found it very uncomfortable.

And that was with us all being the aboiy same age (myself, him and the woman he stared at .. for so long and so intensely that she actually looked me in enquiry/discomfort). I had the feeling ot was not exceptional.behaviour for him. It was very uncomfortable as his "gf".

The relationship didn't go past a few dates for various reasons (I'm embarrassed to say it wasn't me who ended ot,though I dud layer turn down an offer to start seeing him again) but it makes me glad it didn't work out back then, i don't know how his wife deals with it.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 08:18

And that's without the age gap creepiness.

GreyGoose1980 · 23/07/2021 08:20

OP
You’ve mentioned a couple of times that he insinuates that you wouldn’t get this type this type of attention. Obviously none off us want to be stared at whilst out. However the way he’s confirming it could never happen to you is like he’s putting you down as in his eyes it’s a positive thing to be stared at. You mention you have been asked out a couple of times so you are clearly in demand and regardless of whether you are young or slim are considered attractive by others. Therefore why are you with this loser? He won’t change, as he’s not a decent person, he’ll just start to put you down in other ways over time.

Themadcatparade · 23/07/2021 08:30

What a dog, he sounds like a right sleeze.

Do us all a favour and call him out on it before you dump him - men like this need a reality check.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2021 08:43

I've absolutely no idea why you're going out with this man.

TheTallOakTrees · 23/07/2021 08:45

@BalmyNights

He is with you until (probably never) a young slim woman comes along to restore his ego. He sounds a right creep

You are worth so much more than him. End it and move on.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 08:49

@HollowTalk

I've absolutely no idea why you're going out with this man.
Apathy?

Haven't felt sufficiently motivated to end it so far, we get on well, company has been good, he's actually OK other than this...

All the usual crap non reasons! 🙄

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 23/07/2021 08:51

So when will you dump him? Before he eats all your self esteem,I hope. Thst should be right now!

Terhou · 23/07/2021 08:51

I've realised that he has an issue with the fact I'm not young, slim and beautiful

I'm gathering from your posts that he's not young. I'm also guessing that he's neither slim nor beautiful himself. Tell him that he's just not up to your standards.

Whaddayahear · 23/07/2021 08:53

Ugh. Yes all young women love being leered at by deluded ageing men Confused

Get rid op. I bet he's hardly Brad Pitt either.

Zilla1 · 23/07/2021 09:00

Anecdata but I did know one chap whose 'standards' had little relation to his own 'level'.. I don't see the world in these terms but think a 2 insisting on a 9 or a 10 for physical appearance. Oddly, he did temporarily settle down after 20-odd years of never having an adult relationship. It had long-lasting financial, emotional and legal consequences for him and it would be fair to say it hasn't gone well.

Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 09:08

@pinkypink24

Op I think you are 'trying' to work him out & possibly 'trying' to fix him by staying with him. Why are you cheapening yourself by continuing to go places / go on dates with this tool when he does this?

Sounds like you are trying to read his mind by making the conclusions that you have made i.e you don't think he would do anything but ...

He's a disrespectful tosser. End of.

Dump him ASAP!

Did you read the op? Or even the thread title? No but make sure you get the boot in by telling her she's cheapening herself.
Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 09:08

Oh yeah, his expectations bear no resemblance to his own status.

I think it's just disappointing that it's happened again and there seems to be little.point in even considering relationships tbh!

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 23/07/2021 09:10

OP, I've decided I don't even spend time in the company of these type of people anymore. How dare he suggest that the only reason you would have an issue is because you are bitter.

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 09:10

Did you read the op? Or even the thread title? No but make sure you get the boot in by telling her she's cheapening herself.

That's why ignored that comment. I have no desire to fix him or work him out.

I know exactly why he does it and it's just sad!

But it's also disappointing and frustrating that they all.seem to.be like this to one degree or another!

OP posts:
Amdone123 · 23/07/2021 09:17

It doesn't matter why you haven't dumped him up until now. You gave him a go and now don't like what you see.
You sound lovely op, and I'm sure you'll meet someone good enough for you.
My DH is mid 50s like me. I don't know if he looks at younger women when he's on his own, he certainly doesn't when with me. It's like a pp said about emotional security. I suppose they've either got it or they haven't. Look at all the threads on here about men who leave their wives after 30 or more years for something new and shiny.

Longdistance · 23/07/2021 09:21

I can’t stand lecherous men. There’s one thing to look, there’s another to blatantly stare with eyes on stalks.
Kick him to the kerb, like the one he nearly mounted.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 09:31

That suggests all men are like that and since I know men who've happily remarried women around their own age, sometimes even a little bit older; that's not true.

Don't let dickheads like that put you off dating abd relationships completely.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 23/07/2021 09:32

I meant about you feeling like there's no point re. relationships

Original poster
BalmyNights · 23/07/2021 09:35

@WhiskeyGalore212

That suggests all men are like that and since I know men who've happily remarried women around their own age, sometimes even a little bit older; that's not true.

Don't let dickheads like that put you off dating abd relationships completely.

Oh I know they're not all.like that but the single ones around my age tend to be. Which is probably why they're still single. Or single again.
OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 23/07/2021 09:52

Although I don't expect men I'm dating to only have eyes for me I do expect them to be discreet about it when in my company and to behave as though they do. Surely this is just respectful behaviour, and I'd take ogling other women in my presence as a sign of disrespect. Sod that. I wasn't cool with it when I was 16 and told my then BF off (he leaned across me to ogle other girls!), and I'm even less cool with it now I'm in my 50s.

Shellady · 23/07/2021 09:54

@BalmyNights

‘That suggests all men are like that and since I know men who've happily remarried women around their own age, sometimes even a little bit older; that's not true.’

Wow even a ‘little bit older ‘ shock horror
I think yes not all men q like that but a shot load are and as you point out yourself with your statement that men tend to at most go only a little older if at all , so so many of them think going wayyyyyyy younger is acceptable

Never yet seen a person Say anything along the lines of some women even marry me. A little bit older than them - see the difference